


Do Not Go Quietly

by notnowcommander



Series: Do Not Go Quietly [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, F/F, M/M, Multi, Past Shrios, Twin Shepard AU, fShiranda, mShenko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-04
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2018-08-29 01:17:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 43
Words: 139,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8470123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notnowcommander/pseuds/notnowcommander
Summary: Ten years ago, a relentless zombie virus hit the town of Mindoir and was the beginning of the end of the world. Twins Jane and John Shepard have been on the run ever since, trying to survive and protect one another. Now teamed up with the Alliance, a powerful resistance group, they scavenge the wasteland for supplies, strongholds, and for answers. When by sheer accident, Jane ends up in the care of Miranda, an ex-Cerberus agent, she realizes that Miranda might have the key to saving humanity and stopping the end of the world.





	1. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO happy to finally share this fic with you guys, as I've been working on it since this summer behind the scenes. It's my first time writing a lot of these ships, but I'm hoping I do real justice to them.
> 
> I'm really really eager to hear everyone's thoughts and get this ball rolling because it's going to be a very fun ride! Huge thanks to renlyslittlerose, elenafishersgf, and bisexualholden on tumblr for all being such huge sounding boards and help through this process!
> 
> Enjoy!

 Jane opens her eyes just as the bus pulls up to the beaten down bus stop closest to the Shepard household. Close, however, still means a mile and a half walk back to the house in the dead heat of the summer. The little town of Mindoir is just as dry and quiet as it was two months ago when Jane and John left, however, there’s something in the air that hints to Jane that something isn’t right. That maybe the home they’re returning to is less a home than before. Maybe the town had changed, but with two months away from home, maybe they were just as different.

Jane nudges John, who yanks his earbuds out of his ears and mashes the bases of his palms to his eyes to wake himself up. He grunts as she elbows him. He slept the entire time, and Jane had to hit him several times to get him to stop snoring. They’re the last two on the bus, and she can tell the driver isn’t ready to wait long for them.

“Get up,” she hisses.

John groans and pulls himself from the seat, and slips his backpack over his shoulders. She shoves him forward down the aisle, and thanks the bus driver for the both of them. John reclaims their suitcases from the luggage compartment and passes hers along. He looks around, blue eyes studying the sleepy little farm town. Normally, there’s something, some kind of noise, some bustle or movement. But today, there’s nothing. No tractors humming in the distance, no shop keepers sweeping outside their stores, no kids riding their bikes down the street.

“It’s quiet,” he says.

“Too quiet,” she replies.

He glares. “I was hoping that you’d say ‘yeah’, that way _I_ could say that.”

“Sucks to suck,” she laughs and starts to walk in the direction of their house. 

When their parents suggested they spend the summer halfway across the country with one of their aunts, at first, Jane had been skeptical. She loved summers at home. She’d miss the green grass and waking up early to go tend to the animals on the farm, and getting dirty, and knowing she didn’t have to clean up for anything in particular. There was a freedom to it that she’d miss were she somewhere else. But her parents were right. A summer away would be good for the both of them. She was just glad they hadn’t tried to split her and her brother up.

“Let’s go. I need a good shower after that hell of a bus ride,” she says.

John grunts again. “Yep, smelling like ripe tourist here.”

“Speaking of, it kind of smells. And it’s not you.”

John nods. “Yeah, it does. I don’t know, could just be the farms in heat?”

Jane scoffs. “It smells like something died.”

“It does.”

“Maybe,” she begins, “we’ve just been away from here too long. Holed up in the woods you get used to smelling trees and fresh water. I can imagine coming back to manure isn’t always the most welcome scent.”

He cracks a smile and nods. It takes another twenty minutes for them to make it to their street. Still, no action. No cars. John stops and looks around again, and this time, Jane stops too. She examines his expression. They don’t look much alike, and she always joked that being different genders took half the fun out of being twins. There was no way to convince people they were each other or swapping out when difficult tests came up. He was tall and broad, with a neatly cropped buzz cut, while she was short and freckly, with the brightest red hair. He also haS the uncanny ability to age in seconds with just an expression. Meanwhile, she _always_ looks twelve. 

“What is it?”

He shakes his head. “There’s nothing. It’s like a goddamn ghost town here. I… I think something’s going on.”

He begins to walk faster toward their house, but not before she can reach out and grab his arm. “John, stop. What the hell do you think could happen?”

He swallows. “Mom and dad haven’t contacted us in days. Even Aunt Mary said it was weird that they hadn’t said anything. And shouldn’t we have seen _something_? I don’t hear or see any movement in this town. Doesn’t that seem weird to you?”

Jane adjusts her backpack. “I mean, yeah, but I have no clue what you’re suggesting. For an entire town to just leave? That’s like… horror movie shit. Not real life.”

He pauses for a long while, and takes in a deep breath. “You’re right. Come on. It is nearing dinner time. Maybe everyone’s just busy eating.”

“Yeah,” she says, glad he’s dropped it.

The pair moves closer, when suddenly, John stops again. He listens for a moment, and it only takes Jane one of her own to realize that she hears it too.

A tractor.

John gives a relieved laugh and jogs toward the source of the noise. It’s proof that someone somewhere is doing _something_. It’s not much, but it’s enough. She follows as the sound of the tractor leads them to the Baker farm, just beside theirs. Though, in a little town like Mindoir, beside doesn’t mean much. It’s still another five minute walk to get between houses, at least. 

“Well, at least the Bakers are home,” John says. “Mowing the lawn like good citizens.”

Jane smirks. “Yeah, _just_ like Dad is going to make you do bright and early tomorrow morning.”

He groans. “Don’t remind me. You’d think maybe he’d be nice since I haven’t been home in a while, a nice full pancakes and eggs breakfast, fresh coffee?”

“Yep, keep dreaming,” she says.

John steps forward and looks over the gate to their farm. His brows furrow and looks harder. She notices the same thing he does. The tractor isn’t moving. The grass isn’t even cut. 

“That smell again,” she says.

He nods. “Like something died.”

Something hisses in the distance, low and feral. They both know its probably a stray animal, or one of the Baker’s dogs ferociously annihilating the squeaker from a stuffed toy. But when the noise rings out again, a chill runs of Jane’s back and she doubts this is just any animal.

The pair steps forward, and John holds up an arm to keep her back. She follows anyway. He’d always been protective of her, and she thought that he took his marginally older brother role just a little too far sometimes. Three minutes seemed to make too big a difference for him. She clutches the back of his shirt, and follows him into the yard. 

“John, be careful.”

“I am. Stay back.”

“Hell no. I won’t let you get eaten,” she whispers.

John nods. “Thanks, I feel loved.”

He swallows and steps forward, and through the break in the corn stalks. The tractor becomes visible, and it takes a moment to register what they were seeing. John turns around and quickly cups a hand over Jane’s mouth, panic appearing on his face. 

“Don’t make a sound.”

She nods, in a way that tells him to do the same. They look on as Mr. Baker leans over a body underneath the tractor. Its mangled and bloody, and makes Jane look down at her shoes. Right where they stand, the ground is soaked in blood. She becomes so conscious of every squish and step below her feet, and her heart races so loud she’s convinced everyone in town can hear it. Mr. Baker’s hands and mouth are covered in blood, and it drips from his mouth.

“Fuck, that’s his son,” John gasps.

“Don’t say anything,” she snaps.

They watch on as Mr. Baker bends down again, and sinks his teeth into Jimmy’s neck, and only resurfaces when a large chunk of flesh is halfway down his throat. John reaches behind him and holds onto Jane as she gasps. She covers her mouth by pressing herself into his shoulder, still watching. Jimmy Baker’s cold dead eyes seem to look back at them now that they know its him. There’s no helping him. Only helping themselves.

John takes a step back, and his foot catches in a puddle of mud and blood, and he slips, taking Jane down with him. Mr. Baker’s head snaps up and he lets out a low gurgle.

“Shit, shit, shit,” John mutters, pulling himself to his feet. He looks down in horror, now noticing the blood and grabs for Jane’s arm. “Go!”

She pushes her way through the corn stalks and back to the street. She hears John cursing profusely behind her, but her only focus is on getting out alive. She turns her head for a split second and sees Mr. Baker barreling through the corn as well.

“What the hell is he?” she shouts.

“I don’t know, but I’d feel a lot better if he ran slower!” John replies, stumbling behind her. He falls and cries out her name. She turns for a moment and sees him struggling to regain balance. Her fingers curl around his wrist and yanks him to his feet. Mr. Baker clutches to the bottom of John’s jeans. He lands several strong kicks at the neighbor’s rotting face and keeps running. They bolt toward their house, hopping the wire gate that surrounds their property, and rushing up the gravel driveway. They push through the front door and slam it behind them the second they’re both through. John pulls a chair and jams it underneath the door knob, and stands out of reach from all the windows.

“You okay?” she asks.

He bends at the waist and puts his hands on his knees, out of breath. “Yeah, you?” 

She nods. “Yep.”

“Shit,” he says. 

They hardly have a moment to breathe when a bloody arm swings at the window. John pulls Jane closer to him, and they watch as Mr. Baker claws at the windows. He turns her into his chest, to shield her eyes, but she looks anyway.

“Is he…?”

“I don’t know,” he says, “we’ve got to find mom and dad. They might know what’s going on. Stay away from the windows.”

She nods and begins to move to the kitchen. She’s been imagining coming home for weeks now, eager to be back in the house she loves, to smell the summer air and watch the sun go down over the grassy hills. She didn’t imagine coming home like this. Her heart still races and she steps through the empty house. The kitchen is untouched, and for once, doesn’t smell like her mom’s cooking. She leans herself against the kitchen counter, and makes her way through the kitchen.

“We should call-,” she begins.

“911,” John says behind her. “Yeah.”

She picks up the phone, and dials for help, but that’s when she notices that there’s no signal. Jane places it back on the receiver, and checks to make sure its plugged in before beginning again. Just as she turns around, she sees that John is flicking the power switches, only for nothing to turn on.

“What the hell is going on here?” he said. “Mr. Baker just took a big ass bite out of his kid, the power is cut, and mom and dad aren’t even here.”

Jane nods. “I know. Maybe we check upstairs?”

He sighs. “Yeah. I’m sure they’re fine.”

They move back to the stairs at the center of the house, and hear Mr. Baker mewling outside again, arms still thumping against the panelling of their house. Each one feels like a gunshot, like he’s one step closer to killing them too. She just hopes he doesn’t have it in him to break a window or the door. She follows John’s weary steps until they reach the top of the stairs, and split up to search the rest of the house. She parts to her room, which is basically untouched. There’s piles of fresh laundry sitting on her bed, and windows have let in too much light and heat. 

The room’s been painted a soft yellow ever since she was just a girl. Pictures line the walls, of her and her brother, her and the spare group of friends she has here, sports trophies and certificates. It’s not much, but its home. She sits down on the bed, but leaves her backpack on. There’s part of her that’s ready to run, and one that suspects its coming. Since she watched the neighbor dig into his own son, the shock hasn’t worn off, and it hasn’t given her time to think if this is at all logical. 

“Jane!” her brother calls. It doesn’t sound like anything is wrong, thankfully.

“Yeah?”

“Anything?”

She looks around. “No.”

She leans back on the bed, when suddenly, another low growl comes from inside the house this time. She pulls herself from the bed and backs away slowly. She bumps into the dresser on the other side of the room and scans the perimeter. Nothing.

She lets out a relieved sigh and steps out of her room to find her brother. It’s just as she steps into the hallway that she hears it again. John steps out of his bedroom at the other end of the hall and looks behind her. His eyes widen, and he holds a hand out for her.

“Jane… Jane, _come here_.”

“What?” she says. “What is it?”

He doesn’t respond, just beckons for her to come closer. She takes slow and steady steps, until his hand grips hers and he pulls her into his arms.

“Don’t turn around,” he says.

And she does. What she sees is her mother, skin sunken in and rotting, blood at her lips, milky eyes looking at them not as her children, but as dinner. Her lungs tighten and her heart stops. A gasp slips out of her mouth, and John’s hand comes over her lips before she can make a sound. Their mother charges, fingers like claws coming at them. John tugs her into the master bedroom and shuts the door behind them. He throws his body against the door.

“Get the dresser. Move it here so that she can’t get past.”

“That’s Mom!” she cries, eyes welling with tears.

“Yeah,” he says, “well, Mom, wants to tear our guts out, so the dresser is going there.”

A jolt throws him forward, but he presses harder against the door. “Jane, now!”

She pushes the dresser forward and John slowly wiggles away from the door. He takes a deep breath and backs away. His eyes skim the room, and he settles below the bed, where he pulls out a small black box with a combination lock.

“What’s that?” Jane asks.

He fumbles with the numbers, twisting them as best as he can to unlock it. “Shit, what would Mom and Dad make the combo?”

“What is it?” she shouts louder.

“It’s Dad’s gun. I think we’re going to need it.”

“Four Eleven,” she says.

He thinks it over for a second and nods. He spins the numbers, and the lock pops open. He sighs and lifts the top. Inside, there’s a pistol, and clips of ammunition. John stuffs the remaining two clips in his back pocket and checks to make sure the gun is loaded.

“You’re not going to…?”

“Jane, if the same thing that happened to Mr. Baker happened to Mom and Dad, we’re going to need it.”

“This is insane!” she shouts. “Look, we just have to get to the police station, or find help. We can’t just go around shooting people!”

Her eyes water, and she sits down on the bed. John bends to his knees and rests his hands on her arms. “Hey, hey. It’s going to be alright. We’re going to be fine. We just have to protect each other, alright?”

She nods. “Okay.”

She stands up and leans on him for just a moment, before something grabs her ankles and she shrieks. He yanks her away from the bed, and pushes her toward the window. John rams the butt of the gun into the window and it shatters. His blood soaked hands push away pieces of the window pane. They watch in horror as their father’s decomposing body emerges from below the bed and begins to charge across the bedroom.

“Jane, go! Onto the roof!” he shouts.

She follows her brother’s orders, and climbs as carefully as she can. Her feet land on the roof she and her brother had climbed on plenty of times, but it was always to explore, to adventure, to pretend their life was somehow more dangerous and daring than it really was. And now that it’s real, now that there’s no choice to take off their imaginations and return to being real children, it’s hardly fun. She looks behind her as John climbs too, and slices his palms on the shards of glass left around the frame. He lets out a quick, fearful cry as his father pulls him back into the bedroom. She shouts his name, and slides back into the window frame.

“John!”

She watches fear spread across his face, and regret. She wishes he’d do something, kick their father off of him, run for his life. But he freezes up, just for a moment. The monster they once called Dad unhinges his rotting jaw, and plunges forward to take a bite out of her brother. She watches John’s shaky hand raise just in time, and he fires a single bullet into its head. Jane isn’t sure if she cries out or shrieks, but the look on John’s face says it all. He pulls himself away, but his eyes focus on their father’s blood, sprayed across his shirt and face. 

“Hey, come on,” she says, knowing its her turn to comfort him. “Come on out here.”

His entire body shakes, and she loops an arm around his back and helps him onto the roof. He mumbles something under his breath and she quickly sits him down. They’re safe out here for now.

“I… I killed him. I killed him.”

He covers his face with his hands, and wipes away the blood, panicking when he sees it on his hands. She grabs him and keeps him steady. His eyes water and he struggles to breathe.

“John, breathe. It’s okay. We’re going to be okay.”

“I did that. I killed our father.”

She nods. “Because he tried to kill you.”

They don’t have another moment to let it sink in before the door inside flies open and their mother comes rushing toward the window. Jane yanks John to his feet and pulls him closer to the edge of the roof, where it dips down enough for them to jump. John goes first, and opens his arms for Jane to hop into. Just as she reaches the ground, their mother hurls herself to the ground as well. John pushes her forward. 

“Run!”

He fires bullet after bullet, running after her, and she doesn’t know if any of them have hit. Finally, she hears a gurgle of pain and turns around. Their mother has collapsed, but still crawling toward them. For a moment, Jane can almost see her. Her dark wavy hair, freckled skin. She remembers walking through muddy fields with her, and learning to read in her lap. John paces toward their mother and raises the gun.

“She’s hit,” Jane says.

“I know. Just the leg. Can’t follow us, but… it’s… it’s not right to let her suffer,” he says, and she knows he’s in tears.

“Do what feels right.”

He pauses and swallows. “Nothing does.”

He raises the gun, hands shaking. He shuts his eyes for just a moment and sucks in a deep breath. He whispers “I’m sorry”, and pulls the trigger. Jane looks away. 

The shot’s attracted the attention of Mr. Baker, who comes barreling toward them. There’s no moment to mourn. And slowly, more and more bodies begin to rise and appear in the distance. Jane braces herself to go, prepared to leave everything behind. Before he can say a word, she hears John’s voice in her head.

_Run._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *dun dun dun*
> 
> Thoughts so far?


	2. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has had a really cool and exciting response so far, and I'm so glad people are liking it! I hope you guys enjoy this one just as much! Your comments and feedback are SO appreciated. As always, a huge thanks to elenafishersgf for being a wonderful beta.

**Ten Years Later**

_Run._

So she does. John’s words echo in her head, and though he sounds so far from the scrappy teenager he was ten years ago, she can’t separate the word from the memory. Run for your life, run as far away as you can, and whatever you do: don’t stop.

Her legs burn, and her heart beats out of her chest as she pushes herself forward, far away from the store. She makes note to give John a verbal ass kicking, and maybe a not so verbal one, once they’re able to save their skins. 

_General store,_ she thinks to herself, _what a fucking idiot. Of course it’s going to be filled with zombies._

She keeps her eyes forward for the moment, and sets her sights on their temporary hideout, another house at a defensible position they’ve set up for themselves. There’s only one way in, and several ways out that only they can use. But it’s still far too long of a run, and she can hear and feel the enemies gaining on them.

One of the creatures hisses and snarls, and she knows its getting closer and closer. She picks up speed, ignoring the pain and exhaustion seeping all over her body.

Gunfire echoes behind her, and she tilts her head to look back. John sprints, carrying a backpack full of supplies, overflowing, a few cans of food dropping, but he stops to pick them up. She looks up, where undead stalk behind him, their speed picking up and gaining on him. 

“Leave it!” she shouts.

But he doesn’t, and Jane pulls her gun from the holster at the side of her leg and squints one eye, trying to target the enemies and avoid shooting her brother in the face. Though, at the moment, it might feel just a bit therapeutic.

She takes in a deep breath.

_Remember,_ a voice whispers in her mind, _it’s only you and the target. Breathe, and you can’t miss._

The world slows, and she pulls the trigger. She watches, almost in slow motion, as the corpse’s head jerks back and it collapses to the ground. John exhales and collects the dropped cans of food and medical supplies. Jane stays on point, watching all around for any other enemies that might come their way. 

John scrambles to his feet and looks around as well, picking up into a jog to reach her. She yanks him behind an abandoned car, not pale green anymore with “Welcome to Hell” spray painted on the side. Jane finds it a little more than amusing that someone took the time to spray paint a car in the middle of the apocalypse. Now, maybe she’d give anything to have the time to be that trivial. 

John slides to the ground, chest heaving and sweat beading at his forehead.

“Shit,” he mutters.

“Yeah, shit is right, you idiot. Was all that even worth the risk?”

John swallows hard and unzips his backpack. Inside, she sees cans upon cans of non-perishable food. It’s enough to at least get them through their trek back to the Safe House. He reaches into the bottom, grunting as he shoves cans of peanut butter and soup out of the way. He pulls out a single bottle of Jack Daniels, and smirks.

“I think it’s worth it. At least, you can drink away your annoyance.”

Jane fakes a smile and rolls her eyes. “Ha, for this, you should have gotten me a full body sized ice pack.”

“Rain check.”

“Alright, we’ve gotta get moving,” Jane urges. 

“We have to find-.”

She cuts him off and pulls him to his feet. “He knows the plan. Get back to the house. He’ll be there-.”

She hardly gets the chance to finish when clammy hands grasp the back of her flannel and pull her over the car. John cries out her name, and fumbles with his own gun. She opens her eyes and looks at her attacker: a zombie, probably been turned for a while, and probably somewhat older at the time. Its skin sags off and its teeth contain bits of human flesh. That much she can smell.

It’s moments like these where she debates not fighting back. She thinks that maybe it would be easier if the creature bit her, turned her, and let her brother decide what to do with her. She knew one way or another, it was the only way she’d see Thane again. The closer she was to death, the memories grew more vivid.

She could remember his gentle touch, the way that someone with a body count probably into the thousands could touch her and love her in the simplest way. She could hear his voice, calm, always steady, so sure of himself even when he clearly wasn’t. There was a comfort that only came from sleeping beside the person you loved most, and she felt it strongest when she didn’t know if she’d survive. 

_Sleep_ , he’d said. _Dying feels like sleeping. It seems slow and like it will never come, but hits you all at once, and things are dark._

Sleep, she thought, would be nice right about now.

But it doesn’t come, and instead, a gunshot cracks through the air. And then another. The monster on top of her collapses, and she shoves the weight off. She turns to John, and sees him struggling to shove off a monster as well. He grunts, and looks up, and smiles.

“Jesus, I can’t take you two _anywhere_ ,” Kaidan teases. He slides his pistol into the holster on his leg, and extends hands out to both of them. Jane climbs to her feet and brushes herself off, and watches as Kaidan scans John for injuries. His eyes fixate on a spot of blood on John’s shirt, but John shakes his head and assures him it's not his own.

“Where the hell did you go?” Jane asks.

“I had to make an exit around the back when things went to shit, because a certain trigger happy someone wanted to make a scene.”

John runs his fingers through his hair. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Kaidan says. “Gave me a chance to grab more food for us, and more water. We ready to head home?”

John nods, and exchanges a glance at Jane. Maybe he can tell by the spooked, distant look on her face that she thought that was it, and that maybe she was disappointed to have survived. He swallows and doesn’t quite follow Kaidan just yet. She looks up at him, and nods. It’s… enough. He takes it for now and jogs ahead to reach Kaidan.

She hates walking, and any kind of traveling. It’s mostly quiet time to preserve energy, and the quiet time is the worst. Her mind wanders, and she can’t help but feel herself falling toward darkness. Thoughts swallow her whole, and with nothing going on, there’s so little to pull her out. Sometimes, she panics, thinking they’re leaving without someone. Sometimes, one of them has to carry her themselves to get her to move.

Their home is large, but so desperately barren that she wishes it were smaller, something compact. There’s rooms no one uses, and double beds she sleeps in alone. It’s grown colder, and Jane is simultaneously happy and sad about it. The heat was insufferable, but it makes already icy cold beds feel colder. It never felt this way when she had someone to hold her at night.

When they enter, John and Kaidan both ditch their backpacks. They toss them on the floor and sit beside them, stacking and taking inventory on what they’ve dug up. Jane pulls a chair to their group and watches on.

“Alright, lots of soup,” Kaidan begins, “peanut butter, rice, pasta… not bad.”

“See? I told you a general store was a good idea.”

“It was overrun with zombies.”

“But we made it, and we got whiskey, _so_ …”

Kaidan smiled. “Okay, sounds fair.”

John glances up, and catches her eyes, despite zoning out. “Jane?”

She nods. “Yeah?”

“You okay?”

She pauses and swallows. “Yeah. I just… I think I might go rest for a bit, though.”

Kaidan looks to John, and answers before he can. “Go ahead. We’ll hold down the fort.”

She gives a weak smile. “Thanks.”

Slowly, she pulls herself from the chair and up the steps. The boys’ silence courses through her. There’s so many words they want to say, and she knows the moment she’s out of earshot, there’s going to be another discussion.

_What do we do with her?_

_Is she ever going to be herself again?_

_Just give her time, it will all heal._

She shuts the door behind her, and immediately hears their whispers. She can’t make out what they’re saying, but she knows them well enough. It’s never an accusation, and its never malicious. She knows what it is they want to say. But never to her face.

Jane’s room is one of the smaller ones, with a big window. It reminds her a bit of her room in Mindoir. It’s poorly decorated, but the mattress is soft and she’s able to salvage as much bedding as possible. When she sleeps, it’s comfortable. But that doesn't happen often, but right now, drifting off and letting herself give into the exhaustion seems like the only thing that makes sense.

She reaches for the dark jacket that rests on the post of her bed, and pulls it around her body. She takes in a deep breath, and her eyes water. Each day, it smells less and less like him. One day, it’s just going to be fabric, a visual reminder, nothing else. Jane wraps her arms around herself and kicks off her shoes. She curls up under the blankets and closes her eyes. For just a moment, she can feel him here, and the memory is strong as ever.

“I miss you,” she whispers, and lets a dark sleep take her over.

 

***

Kaidan brings two glasses of whiskey on the rocks out to the porch. They said they’d sit on duty for the night while Jane rested, and to be honest, John never minds. It’s quiet time with Kaidan, and most of the time, nothing happens. There’s nothing to run from, not even a need for guns.

Kaidan bends down and begins to kindle a fire before them. He uses leftover logs and twigs to get it going, and pulls out the small stove they keep outside to make dinner.

“So,” he says, “what’ll it be, handsome?”

John laughs softly. “Lobster. With a baked potato on the side, fries, if you don’t have that.”

Kaidan laughs too, and John takes a moment to appreciate how beautiful he is. Despite the end of the world, he’s just what John wants, from his wild dark curls, to the thick scruff along his cheeks and jaw, and his steely brown eyes that observed everything with an optimism and ease he wished he could find himself. 

“And in that case, I’ll have steak.”

Kaidan sets the stove above the fire and lets it heat up. He takes a seat beside John on the beat up couch on their porch and rests his head against John’s shoulder. John slides his arm around Kaidan’s waist and presses a kiss to the side of his head. His hair smells like smoke, but John doesn’t mind.

“You’re worried about her,” he says, and John can feel it rumble against his chest.

“Of course.”

“John,” Kaidan breathes, “You know she’s going to be fine. It’s just… too soon to expect her to be back to normal.”

He swallows. It’s been four months since Thane’s death, or so he thought. Days were hard to keep track of, though Kaidan makes notes in his journal. They know that right now, it’s early October. They can guess by the crisp weather that keeps them holding one another closer, but a date is hard to recall. He knows it’s been four months since Thane died, five years since he met Kaidan, and ten since the outbreak began. But it still seems like Jane should be getting better. He hopes every morning when he wakes up to see her back to her old self. So far, not so good.

When John doesn’t respond, Kaidan speaks again. “What would you do if _I_ died?”

The thought wakes him up, and sends his heart spinning. He doesn’t think about it as often as maybe he should. He doesn’t think about how Jane could feel so lost, as lost as he’d feel if something happened to Kaidan. He slides closer to Kaidan and takes his hand. All it could take is one stray bullet, one reflex just not quick enough, and he could be gone. Or worse, he thinks, he could have to watch the person he loves most die a slow painful death, or make the choice… like Jane did.

“Please, don’t make me think about that.”

“I have to,” he says, “because you have got to understand what she’s going through.”

John takes a long pause, and Kaidan turns into him, resting against his chest. He reaches for one of John’s hands and pulls it to his body. He tightens his grip on him and nestles his nose in Kaidan’s hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head at the same time Kaidan kisses his knuckles.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. 

“It’s okay.”

The fire crackles, and Kaidan reaches out a hand to feel the temperature. Hot enough, he climbs off the couch and pulls out their dinner: two cans of soup and small to-go bags of nuts. He sets aside a third for Jane, and John knows he’ll cook it when she decides to come down for food. 

It doesn’t take long before they hear her moving down the steps and emerging from the house. Her eyes are swollen, but she looks okay to say the least. She’s pulled her hair back into a messy bun and still wears Thane’s jacket over her shoulders.

“What’s on the menu?”

Kaidan shrugs. “Soup.”

“Mmm, we haven’t had this one this week yet.”

Kaidan gives an easy smile and sets her can of soup on the stove to cook for her. John looks over her, and notes that she looks better than before; perhaps the rest helped her. Jane sits down on one of the chairs across from them. John wishes he knew what she was thinking, what was going through her head. He wishes he knew how to make it better. But Kaidan’s right. He doesn’t know how she feels. He thinks for just a second of losing Kaidan and knows that it would break everything about him. Jane’s doing better than he ever would in this situation. If there’s one thing he knows about his sister, it’s that she knows how to survive.

Kaidan hands Jane her soup, and pours her a glass of whiskey, which she happily takes and throws back. She’s quiet for a moment, and looks at the two of them before cracking a hesitant smile.

“Come on, boys. Don’t make me out-drink you.”

It’s something that at least they can all smile about.


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fridays are quickly becoming my favorite days because I get to share another chapter of this with you guys!! 
> 
> Thanks for all who have been commenting and reading. I can't wait to see what you guys think of this one. And as always, thank you to elenafishersgf for being such a great and helpful beta!

 

_“We’re not alone,” the girl says, barely louder than a whisper._

_“I know.”_

_“Grab whatever we need and lets get the hell out of here. Last thing we need is someone unloading half a magazine into us.”_

_Kaidan watches from behind a crate, reaching for the pistol tucked in the waistband of his pants. He prays he doesn’t make a sound and set them off. He watched them come in and knows they’re armed. A boy and a girl, maybe a couple. They’re both strikingly attractive, in the way that people still surviving hell are. The boy is tall and broad, with messy auburn hair, and his skin bears freckles from the sun that sort of look like they shouldn’t be there. The girl on the other hand is covered in them, and it looks natural, perfect for her and her bright red hair, pulled into a messy ponytail. Something tells Kaidan he should be more afraid of her._

_He sees them open the first of the crates and sift through the supplies. He knows what the crew back at the Safe House would say. Everything they take is one thing less for us. Everything they take is another life we’re not able to sustain. Kaidan looks at them again and knows they’re just like him, trying to survive, to keep from going hungry or getting their brain eaten by one of those_ things _._

_The boy laughs, and he hears a sharp_ smack _echo through the warehouse._

_“Dipshit,” she whispers._

_“Sorry, but this is a lot of alcohol. We could-.”_

_“Use it to clean injuries,” she finishes._

_“Well, you’re no fun.”_

_The two turn around and look at another box. Kaidan takes in a deep breath, and with their backs turned, he steps out from cover and pulls his gun. He cocks it and moves closer to them._

_“Both of you, stay exactly as you are.”_

_The girl looks over her shoulder, and stands up as well._

_“I said…_ don’t move _.”_

_She crosses her arms. “Two against one, pal. Odds don’t look so hot for you. You take a shot, you have to deal with the other one.”_

_“What are you doing in this warehouse?”_

_“Supplies. This place is full of them,” she says._

_“They don’t belong to you.”_

_She laughs and her eyes light up, genuinely amused. “And who_ do _they belong to? You?”_

_Kaidan’s grip on his gun tightens. He knows he won’t shoot them, but they don’t need to know that. He finds it impossible to see this ending with either of them on the ground, bleeding out from a hole in their head. He won’t be the one to do it. He’s seen that, and been on the other side of the gun one time too many. He grits his teeth and hopes that they’ve got some mercy. It_ is _two against one and if one of them decides to shoot, he’s dead. He doesn’t know what getting shot would feel like, and he doesn’t want to find out._

_“They belong to a group called the Alliance, and if you’re going to steal, you have to answer to them.”_

_The girl laughs again. “Right. Like I said… Two against one. My brother and I have no problem shooting you and taking what we want. We’ve got no time for self-righteous resistance groups. Right, John?_ John?”

_She looks down to her brother - John - he presumes, and immediately looks annoyed. John is staring… at Kaidan. He’s still squatting beside one of the crates, and his big blue eyes stare intently at Kaidan. It makes him feel just mildly uncomfortable. He can’t imagine what there is to really admire. He hasn’t showered in several days, and the heat doesn’t help much. His jeans are stifling, and he’d shed his flannel for a dirty, ratty undershirt, and he doesn’t want to_ think _about what his hair looks like. All he wants by now is a long, hot shower and to shave the beard that’s coming in faster than he can keep up with._

_“John?”_

_John shakes his head and grumbles. “Yeah, two against one, buddy…”_

_The girl rolls her eyes. “Jesus.”_

_“Look,” Kaidan starts, “You got me…”_

_He desperately wishes Ashley were here to help him out. It would be a fair fight that way, and he knows Ash always carries at least three guns on her person. Sometimes not even loaded, but nobody needs to know that but her. She’s gotten them out of more shit storms with unloaded guns than he can count._

_“Fuck yeah,” the girl says. “Now, you let us take what we want, and piss off.”_

_“How about I make you an offer?” he suggests, lowering his gun. He tosses it on the floor, and the girl lowers her weapon._

_The girl looks to John. “What’s that?”_

_“Everything in this warehouse? It belongs to the Alliance. All of it. It’s one of many warehouses and supply caches we have set up around here, and they all belong to us.”_

_“So what?” she says. “You’re just another resistance group. We’ve seen plenty of those, and they’re no better than thugs. Why should we give a shit about yours?”_

_“Because we need people,” Kaidan said. “We took a big hit and need to get our numbers up. You two seem like you’ve been on your own for a while, which means you know what you’re doing. I can bring you back to the Safe House, our HQ and have you meet with our leaders. We’re staked out in an old boarding school and there’s plenty of room. You can have this stuff, the way we do. Hot showers, power, food. If you come and cooperate, it’s yours.”_

_“Why do you want us?” John says._

_“Because it might be the only thing keeping you two from shooting me. I think I would like to not get shot today.”_

_“Jane,” John says, “can I talk to you?”_

_Jane looks back to him and nods. She grabs him from the floor and drags him just out of earshot. Kaidan can hear some of it, but not enough to gather what they’re saying. It sounds like John wants to come with, though it could also be because of his fixation on Kaidan’s assets._

_“John, I’m not letting you simply follow your dick around the fucking zombie apocalypse.”_

_“He has a point,” John argues. “Look, aren’t you tired of running? We could have a place where at the end of the day, at least we know we’re safe. Food, water, a fucking hot shower? Is that too much to ask?”_

_Jane gives a huffy sigh. “I’ll give it a try, but if they’re some weird cult that treats us the way the rest of them do, I’m shooting him and everyone there in the head.”_

_“That’s fair.”_

_The two come back from around the corner. Jane still grips her gun tightly. “Okay. We’ll come with you.”_

 

Kaidan rolls over in bed and rubs his eyes. John’s arms are wrapped around him, and he can feel his lips press to the bare skin on Kaidan’s back. John breaths deeply against him, and is completely asleep and calm. Kaidan reaches down to John’s hand and pulls it up to his lips, pressing kisses along his knuckles before turning over to hold him back. He never knows how many more mornings he’s going to get with him, mornings like this where they’re undisturbed and it’s just the two of them. He takes the quiet moment to look over his partner, and it reassures him that everything’s going to be okay, that there is _always_ something to fight for.

Lately, John doesn’t spend much time joking or being lighthearted the way he used to. Not since Thane died. He bears the weight of his sister’s loss, even though he doesn’t have to. Even though even Jane doesn’t want him to. It’s added lines to his boyish face, making him look older than twenty-six. But he doesn’t see that as much when he’s asleep. He looks free, just like Kaidan’s free to enjoy it. 

He brushes his fingers through John’s scrappy auburn hair and down the strong lines of his face, from his cheekbones to his well-set jaw. The freckles from summer have started to fade and his skin is even and smooth. His thumb traces John’s lips, so full and always tempting to kiss. 

“You’re interrupting my beauty sleep,” John grumbles.

Kaidan smiles. “Psh, you don’t need anymore. You’re already gorgeous.”

John gives a lopsided smile back, and Kaidan pulls him in for a kiss. Their lips come together in a sleepy haze. John grips at Kaidan’s curls and pulls him on top of him and between his legs. He quickly turns Kaidan over, tangling them in their sheets, and Kaidan lets him take control. John nibbles along the scar across Kaidan’s lips and spends extra time kissing slowly down his jaw and throat. 

“I love you,” John gasps between kisses. “I love you so much.”

Kaidan leans his head back into the pillows and listens to the sounds of his lover pressing generous, messy kisses all over his upper body, and pants against his skin. Even if the world outside wants them dead, he wouldn’t trade it if it meant he’d never met John. Not in a million years. John nips at the base of Kaidan’s throat, harsh and demanding. He gasps and lets a low moan slip from his mouth.

As he does, there’s a knock at the door.

“I made breakfast,” Jane says from the other side.

John groans and climbs off of Kaidan. “Okay. Be right down.”

“Yeah, sure,” she says.

John rolls his eyes. “Rude.”

Kaidan laughs and cups John’s face. They stay a moment, just looking at each other, before breaking into a smile. Kaidan wonders what their life could be like in another universe, where they were just two people living life. He thinks maybe he’d have gone on to be an engineer or something, or maybe gone into the military. John says that’s probably what he’d have done, if he didn’t take over the family farm. He wonders how he would have met him, or if he would have at all. 

“I love you,” Kaidan whispers.

“I love you too,” John nods, pulling him in for another kiss. Then, they finally climb out of bed. They’ve been here long enough to have made it home, and in some ways, it looks like home. The beds are made, and clothes sit in drawers and closets. The kitchen was stocked with utensils and if they have a match, they can get the stove going too. Some days, they can pretend it isn’t the end of the world.

Kaidan steps into the bathroom first and brushes his teeth. He always reminds himself to be thankful for the little things, the things he didn’t think would cross his mind as the world collectively shit itself. Little things like people de-prioritizing toothbrushes and toothpaste, or even shower gel. It’s stupid on their part, but it helps him pretend that maybe one day they can have a normal life.

John steps in behind him and undresses, and steps into the shower. They never shower for long, maybe five minutes max, to avoid whatever contamination might be in the water, but it keeps morale high to at least smell better than the zombies. Kaidan looks up as steam floods the mirrors and he sighs.

“Hot?”

John steps into the shower, and nods. “Hot for the next five minutes.”

Kaidan quickly pulls his shirt over his head and drops his pants before stepping into the shower as well. The first time John had used the “save water, shower together” line on him, he’d thought it was some ploy to get him naked, but it quickly became a routine, and kept them from freezing their asses off. They help one another wash and get clean, sparing a few moments under the hot water to kiss and hold one another close. Kaidan rests his head on John’s shoulder as the hot water scalds their backs, and breathes in the smell of his clean skin, knowing that today could be their last. Any day could.

He presses a kiss to the side of John’s neck and finishes rinsing the soap from his body before stepping out and wrapping a towel around his waist. He changes into a somewhat clean pair of jeans and pulls a t-shirt from his backpack, and shrugs a jacket onto his shoulders before going downstairs. As he steps into the living room and kitchen, he sees that Jane has been busy.

She sits at the kitchen table and sips coffee, and he can smell cooked meat and oatmeal. She has maps spread in front of her and a marker in her hand, making notes on the general store John had them tackle the day before. He pours himself a cup and throws it back in a few gulps, and then pours another, before scooping a small bowl of oatmeal and tossing a few bites of Spam on the side. 

“Sorry if it’s not crispy enough for you,” she mumbles, deep in concentration.

“Mm, yeah, we gotta work on that,” he says back before sitting across from her at the table. “So, what’s next?”

She shook her head and sighed. “We’ve picked this area mostly dry. I think it will just be a few days more before we load up the truck and get on our way back.”

“Do we have enough gas?”

“We’ll have to.”

John slumps down the stairs and joins them at the table, no coffee, and instead picks at Kaidan’s food. John studies her and swallows. Kaidan watches him and wonders what he’s thinking. 

“What’s bothering you?” he asks.

Jane shakes her head and looks at the map and shakes her head. “It’s a long way back to the Safe House, and the next closest town to this one we haven’t picked through is just on the city border. If not… in the city.”

They both paused and waited for her to continue.

“I have a feeling the next place they’re going to send us is going to be _into_ the city, and… I…”

John nods. “High population, lots of zombies, yeah… I get you. Doesn’t sound like my cup of tea either.”

Kaidan grunts in agreement, but then offers his own source of comfort. “Okay… but we don’t _know_ that yet. We still have to load up the truck and get on our way and figure out when we get there what they want from us. Maybe with our luck, they’ll send us another direction.”

Jane gives a weak smile. “Well, save up your optimism, Kaidan, and maybe you’ll just save our asses.”

“I do try.”

“Alright,” she says, standing up from the table. “I’m going to scout the area for a bit, check to see if there’s anything we’re missing, maybe someone else has come through this way.”

Jane shrugs on Thane’s jacket and wraps a thick scarf around her neck, tucking it into her shirt. 

“Be safe,” John says.

“Of course,” she replies, checking both her pistols for bullets, and sliding her knife into the slot she carved in her boot. “Any requests?”

“I asked for lobster last night and Kaidan said no, so…” John says, hardly looking up from the maps he’s examining.

Jane gives a fake laugh. “I mention that I hate you yet today?”

“No,” John smirks, “but the day is young.”

She smiles back. “Okay. See you guys later.”

Jane slides her backpack over her shoulders, and heads for the door. Once she’s gone, Kaidan looks up. 

“She seems better.”

John nods. “Yeah, thank god. But it’s just another day. Could all change tomorrow.”

Kaidan swallows and nods too. He’s right. It could all change tomorrow. Not just her… them… all of it. He notes the peaceful look on John’s expression, and instead of reminding him of something he already knows, he reaches for his hand below the table.

 

***

 

Jane always liked fall. Before, it was for the excitement of owning a farm, getting her own personal pumpkin patches and apples to pick, and the crisp smell of the air and leaves changing. She liked putting on jeans and boots, and warm jackets, spending time outside when the weather wasn’t too extreme. 

And she still likes it, but for different reasons. The weather is mild, and it makes dressing and traveling easier. It’s easier to find shelter, because you’re less worried about freezing to death. She feels like they need to find less water because they’re not sweating profusely. And more clothing means it’s harder for zombies to take a big bite out of her. 

She trudges her way through the dry landscape in front of her, looking for any signs of life. Usually, there’s nothing. Usually, it’s a lot of time walking, a lot of time alone with her thoughts. Sometimes it’s nice. Others, it’s not. When she senses it will be one of those days, she usually asks Kaidan to come along. He’s better at keeping her distracted than John. The problem is John loves her too much, and she can’t blame him. Kaidan loves her just enough to take care of her, but know when to back off. 

Up ahead, she spots smoke, and hopes it’s a campfire, not something worse. She moves forward and keeps her sights on the spot ahead. It takes another twenty minutes - she thinks - to reach the flames, and examines the site around her. 

The first thing that hits her is the smell. There are some places where everything smells like blood, the hint of dead flesh seeping into her hair, clothes, skin… but it’s been a little while. Of course they’ve encountered zombies since being here, but this is… fresh. 

She sees three bodies, in different states of decay and dismemberment. One is missing most of its leg, flesh gnawed off and pooling blood around the body. She can make out bits of bone beneath the torn up muscles and skin, and flies have started setting in on the dead flesh. She swallows, and tries not to linger too long on it. This couldn’t have happened long ago, and she’s amazed that they didn’t hear screaming or a struggle from their hideout.

One of the bodies is hardly identifiable, so she pulls the sleeve of her sweater down over her hand and shoves it over. Another wave of rotting flesh takes her over and she covers her mouth with her hand. This one isn’t one of them. It was their attacker. She looks at the decaying skin sagging off its face, and notes a bullet to the back of the head. At least they were able to take down one before becoming the meal…

She begins to survey the supplies left behind, some food, a few bullets, but not for any of the guns they have. She notes a small first aid kit popping out of a backpack and begins to rifle through it. She grabs gauze bandages, and medicine. It’s not much, but she never knows when they’re going to need it. 

She doesn’t notice movement until she feels a clammy hand grip at her wrist and pull her to the blood soaked ground. Instincts take over and she reaches for the knife in her boot, and turns to her attacker. It’s the third body, this one with its intestines and organs half falling out of its stomach. It can’t move very far, but it can still pull her and bite, which is all it needs to do. She brings the knife down into the monster’s throat and holds it there, using her boot to push its mouth away. It gurgles and hisses for a few more seconds, before it stops and she’s surrounded by silence again.

She breathes and wipes the blood off her face. Jane climbs to her feet and heads over to the remaining body, digging her knife through its throat as well, just to be safe. Her legs wobble from adrenaline, and she examines the rest of the camp. And then, she hears it…

There’s banging, and it takes her back to the day of the outbreak, their longtime neighbor bashing their windows and doors to try and get in. Her eyes lock on a building in the distance, and it takes her a few seconds to determine that it’s the jail. The front door is coming loose, and she can see the windows breaking as more and more creatures try to escape from any and all exits.

They’ve surveyed this area so many times that they know exactly what was inside the prison. They were positive it was full of the undead, and always left it be. There was no use going in and mowing them down, no use risking their own lives if they were sure it was secured. It had been, until now.

Someone was letting them out. 

She watches in horror as the door finally bursts, and a small hoard begins to climb out. She grips her gun tightly, and turns on her heel, knowing she doesn’t have much time to get back to safety. She runs, and they do too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again...
> 
> dun dun dun...


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but the holiday weekend was a bit chaotic, so this week there's just going to be two updates!
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this one and let me know what you think!!

The door flies open, startling both John and Kaidan from making food, and Jane shouts something at them that pulls them into the foyer of the house. She pushes her body against the front door and bends over at the knees. She looks unharmed, but sweat glistens on her skin, and she is evidently out of breath.

“Block the windows,” she gasps. “Close up every fucking entrance to this house. Nothing’s getting in.”

Kaidan begins to go for the bookshelves and furniture in the living room to shove up against the windows, but looks more confused than anything.

“What happened out there?” he asks.

“Someone,” she starts, clutching her chest to breathe. “Someone opened up the prison, and everything is coming out.”

“Wait,” John cuts her off, “someone _opened it?_ But why?”

“Who the fuck would do that?” Kaidan asks. “That place stayed locked up for ten years for a reason. Why now?”

Jane looks up at both of them and narrows her eyes in annoyance. “I don’t know! And I don’t care who the hell did it. There’s a hoard of them coming right to us and we _need_ this place secure. Board up the windows if you can, and get upstairs.”

John steps forward and glances out the window. Something dark looms in the distance, and keeps moving closer. He doesn’t know how long they have, but it can’t be good. It can’t be enough time to really secure the house and set up a refuge. Kaidan’s already shoving bookshelves against the front door, and jammed a chair underneath the knob. He’s glad that lumber happened to be in full supply around here, and that their tool kit isn’t running too low this time around.

He begins to put planks against the windows, hammering nails into the wall and boarding them up enough for nothing to get in. He leaves a little room in each window for someone to stick a gun barrel out and take enemies down. Jane returns from the kitchen, clutching a water bottle, downing half of it before getting to work. They can hear the rumbles and moans growing closer, and know there isn’t much time. Kaidan bolts to the back of the house to hammer down those windows and the back door. John watches him go, and prays that there isn’t some kind of ambush waiting for him near the back of the house. 

Jane looks at the front door, and the windows in the living room and kitchen, before agreeing to take point while John helps Kaidan take care of the rest of the house. He brings more planks of lumber to the back room and places them over the garage entrance. He glances over his shoulder at Kaidan, and they catch each other’s eyes.

“Everything’s going to be fine,” Kaidan says.

“Okay.”

“We’re going to hold up here, until they get too hungry to stay in a place where there’s nothing to eat, and we’re going to get the hell out of here and go back to safety, okay?”

John hangs onto each of his words, and he knows if Kaidan’s saying them, they must be true. He’s never really broken a promise before. And so far, everything _has_ turned out okay. They’re still alive. Kaidan backs away from the window he’s boarding up, and cups John’s face for a brief moment. He pulls him in for a kiss, and lets his lips rest close enough to kiss again.

“We’re going to make it.”

John nods, and lets him get back to work, and by the time Jane yells for them to return up front, they’ve boarded up the whole bottom level. They all know that the zombies _can_ climb, but it’s not always a definite. It takes longer, and allows for more target practice, so the worst is already taken care of. 

“What’s going on?” John says.

“They’re here,” she replies, “as quietly as you can, take what we need upstairs, and wait there, okay?”

“And leave you down here?”

She glares. “You two can carry the most. Get enough for a few days maybe upstairs for safety and I’ll hold down the fort down here. It’s going to take a while for them to get through.”

Kaidan takes his hand and guides him toward their stock piles, and starts to carry boxes upstairs. John keeps an eye on Jane from the stairs, gun always ready to drop everything and fire if it means protecting her or Kaidan. It takes a few minutes, but once they have enough upstairs, Jane migrates with them. 

She settles on the ground at the top of the stairs and wipes away the rest of the blood on her face. Something about her seems haunted now, but he can’t tell if it’s just exhaustion.

“What happened?” he asks.

“Found a campsite up along the perimeters we didn’t scout yet. They’d been torn apart, and there was one of them there too. Dead, though. And then I saw the doors to the prison bursting open, windows shot and some of them started jumping from the windows. They did _anything_ to get out.”

Kaidan crosses his arms. “So you’re saying that someone lets these starved zombies out of a prison, and there was something _alive_ in there? Look, I’m no expert but I don’t think that anything can live that long without being fed.”

“Are you trying to say that someone was feeding them?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but it doesn’t feel right to me.”

“Maybe we’re not the only ones out here,” Jane says, her voice cold.

“Maybe,” Kaidan agrees. “And I don’t know if that makes me feel better or worse.”

Jane scrubs over her face with her hands and sighs. “Okay… well, we’re boarded up and secure in here. If we need it, we board up these windows too. Keep to one or two rooms and the bathroom. If you don’t _have_ to go, then don’t. We don’t need them knowing anyone is here. Just _stay quiet_ and hope to god they forget about us.”

Kaidan sits down beside her, and places his pistol at his feet. His eyes flicker up to John’s and he invites him to sit next to him. John does so, and rests his head against the wall. He feels Kaidan’s rough fingers wrap around his hand and squeeze tightly. He remembers what he said, that they'd make it through this. They’ve been ambushed before, shot at, on the run. This is just like that. It just feels bigger this time.

“You guys can rest,” Kaidan says, “I’ll take first watch.”

Jane nods, and gives him a silent thank you, before slipping into her room and curling up on the bed. She keeps her knife and gun on the nightstand, easy to reach, and passes out instantly. John, instead, rests his head on Kaidan’s lap and reaches again for one of his hands. Kaidan gently brushes his fingers through his hair and tries to make him as comfortable as he can. John knows it shouldn’t bother him, it shouldn’t be something that even _shocks_ him, but he thinks of the way their day started so similarly, curled up with Kaidan, affectionate and loving. It was another day, nothing unusual or out of the ordinary about it. But now, they’re holed up, hoping they can survive the night.

His eyes water, and he tries to sniffle them away, and instead curls against Kaidan tighter. Kaidan senses his fear and anguish, and gives his hand a squeeze. It’s warm, gentle… protective. John opens his eyes again and ponders for a moment what Kaidan must have been like ten years ago. He imagines gentle, loving, just the way he is now. But he knows that he couldn’t have always been this way, not a chance. He falls asleep wondering how someone can simultaneously hold their lover’s hand like a prized possession, and still be moments away from pulling a trigger with the other.

 

***

Jane opens her eyes when she hears John stir outside in the hallway. She remembers all the times they tended to one another following their parent’s deaths. Nights of tossing and turning, and reaching out for someone, hoping something could pull them back to the life they once had.

It’s nearly sunrise, and John and Kaidan are where she last left them, curled up beside one another. Kaidan must have drifted off at some point, despite agreeing to keep watch. They’re all alive, and fairly confident that their home is secure, so she doesn’t feel a need to chide him for it. John sleeps on Kaidan’s shoulder, arms wrapped around him. One hand reaches out and digs nails into Kaidan’s forearm, waking him. He mutters something in his sleep, and squeezes tighter. Jane notes Kaidan’s wince of pain, but instead of a groan or shoving him away, Kaidan replaces his arm with his own hand and gives John’s a squeeze. 

Jane sees his breathing pick up, and he fidgets as if trying desperately to escape.

“Shh…” Kaidan whispers, smoothing his free hand through John’s hair.

John’s face scrunches and he leans into his partner more. Kaidan glances down at him with nothing but love evident in his heavy, tired eyes. He gently draws a hand to the side of John’s face, and down to his chin, tilting his head up with ease. He presses a long, sleepy kiss to his mouth and John’s entire body relaxes.

He pulls away for a moment, only to kiss him again. “I’m still here. Always will be.”

John shuts his eyes and curls into Kaidan more, asleep again in moments. Jane knows that for each moment where John acts like an unafraid piece of shit, there’s got to be at least three more where he needs to be weak, to be terrified. And she’s learned by now that those are the moments best reserved for Kaidan. 

There’s still thumping outside and she knows that they’re still trying to invade the house. She pulls herself from the mattress and glances out the window. She sees the dark, decaying figures whacking their decomposing limbs against the walls of the house, and so far, nothing, until Kaidan shoots up in the hallway.

He slowly wakes John, and slides his hand over his boyfriend’s mouth, pulling him to his feet. John shakes from his sleep and examines the scene. Kaidan lets go of him and pulls his gun again.

“One of the windows is breaking,” he whispers.

“Fuck,” John mutters. “Should one of us go down? Maybe we stand a chance if we can mow them down as they come in?”

Jane shakes her head. “There’s too many. And the more we shoot, the more will hear and come running.”

Kaidan nods and swallows. “She’s right. We need to stay up here, and pray that one of them doesn’t-.”

Before he finishes, glass shatters downstairs. John grabs both of them and shoves them into the room with the most food and supplies. Jane can hear footsteps searching and roaming the lower level, but she remembers something in her room. She darts out of her brother’s grip, and he mutters something angry under his breath. She reaches her bed and her fingers curl around the fabric of Thane’s jacket and her backpack, and pulls them out of the room with her. Before she passes, she stops at the top of the stairs, out of view, and her breath catches in her throat.

Several of them sit at the bottom, sniffing and waiting for someone to slip up and give away their location. She hears the low clicking and snarling sounds they make and knows if she moves, she might get them all killed. She shuts her eyes for a moment, and looks across at John and Kaidan. She breathes in and attempts to step forward, but her foot presses too hard and catches their attention. She doesn’t move again, and she can see Kaidan piecing together a plan in his head. Before he can do anything, she catches John reaching for a can of food, and looking over the stairwell.

“Don’t,” she mouths, but naturally, he doesn’t listen.

John lobs the can of food down the stairs, and it lands behind the group of monsters, and they begin to scurry. Kaidan darts across the hallway and yanks her into the room they’re in and locks the door. She hopes it was enough sound to distract them and keep them from seeing her. John and Kaidan sit at the foot of the door, their bodies shoved against it. 

“Sorry,” she mutters.

Kaidan shakes his head. “I fell asleep. It’s okay.”

John hisses them to shut up, and they do. But Jane can’t help but feel like any of them breathing is way too loud. She can makeup slow, splotchy footsteps coming up the stairs, and she watches Kaidan reach up and lock the door. 

Jane reaches into her backpack quietly and pulls out a pad of paper. She scribbles down her thoughts and holds it up to the boys. 

 

_Window?_

 

Kaidan reaches for the pad and writes his reply.

 

_We’d have to leave everything here behind._

 

Jane nods. No response is necessary. He knows what she’s going to say. It’s better to leave it all behind than die. The Alliance won’t get their supplies anyway. It’s just a matter of whether or not they can get to the truck before any of the zombies happen to notice. She prays in a strange way that enough have made it into the house by now that the outside is somewhat safe. She stands slowly, and wedges the window open. It squeaks just a bit, so she stops, and once she senses the monsters haven’t caught on, she continues to wiggle it up. She hesitates with each squeak, and finally, the whole window comes loose and open. Kaidan bites down on his lip and they don’t move or do anything for a moment. No response. John’s clenching Kaidan’s hand so tightly both of their knuckles are white, and when Kaidan opens his eyes again, she sees tears. She knows him well enough to know he won’t cry, but it still scares her to see him scared. It’s not what he does. He doesn’t show it.

Suddenly, the door jolts, and Jane doesn’t think the lock will hold. John pulls a hand over Kaidan’s mouth and shoves his body against the door harder. Another jolt, and Jane slips her leg out the window, ready for one of them to follow. The banging on the door doesn’t let up, and she reaches for John’s hand. As she grabs it, she hears gunshots, and yelling.

She checks all of their bodies to see if they’ve been hit, but the gunshots keep coming. The zombies hiss from all inside the house, and Jane glances back through the window and sees them dropping. Blood splatters on the other windows and the monsters claw to get out this time. She can’t make out who is there to save them, but this momentary distraction allows them the chance to get out and run for their lives.

She tugs John out the window and Kaidan follows. He grips the keys in his hand tightly, as they veer toward the edge of the roof. She knows they’ve packed up enough stuff in their truck to bring home, and with their car, its more than enough to help them survive the trip back. She slips her legs over the edge of the roof, and jumps. She hits the ground and her knees ache, but it’s better than having her throat torn out by zombies. 

She ducks and races to the car, hiding herself behind one of the wheels, before popping the Jeep’s door open and sliding in. John and Kaidan follow, though neither of them are as inconspicuous when jumping. Gunfire still rings out from inside the house, and as far as she can see, none of the monsters are outside. If they are, they’re dead. 

She takes shotgun, and John slips into the passenger seat. Kaidan doesn’t get in the car. John looks out the window as he hears another gunshot ring out. Panic registers on his face, and he doesn’t have time to get out of the car and look before knives come up to both of their throats from the backseat.

“I wouldn’t make any fast moves if I were you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe one of these days I won't end in a cliffhanger, but that day is not today. Oops.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, another chapter this week! Hope you guys enjoy it after the cliffhanger in the last chapter! Your feedback and comments are always super appreciated! Enjoy!

John and Jane make their way out of the car, slowly, with their captors holding blades to their neck. John feels the blade pressing into his skin, and though he hasn’t seen his enemy face to face, he can tell that this person wants to drag it straight across his throat and let him bleed out into the dirt with Kaidan watching. 

Another scavenger has Kaidan at gunpoint, and his weapons are tossed on the ground. He glances at John and shakes his head. 

_Don’t do anything stupid._

The person holding John shoves him forward and he falls. His palms and knees take the worst of it, and he bites on his lip to numb the sting.

“You fucking touch him again, and I’ll-,” Kaidan starts, but John looks up just as a massive figure approaches him and throws a hard punch at his jaw. He hits the ground and the leader of the scavengers looms over him, and unloads a kick into Kaidan’s stomach. He groans and wraps his arms around his body, shutting his eyes as he works through the pain. He rolls over slowly and spits blood onto the ground. His cheek is gashed open and he wipes at his bloodstained lips. If there wasn’t a gun at the back of his head, John would go to him.

“Alliance, huh?” the leader grunts. 

None of them say anything. The leader of the gang is broad, and his hair is cropped close to his head. He has scars and burn marks all up and down his face and neck, and a machine gun and a shotgun strapped to his back. John knows there’s no way they could take this guy on and live to tell the tale. And he isn’t ready to barter his sister’s or his boyfriend’s life to find out. 

“Well, you don’t need to answer that. We already know,” he says, “and we also know that you’re in our way.”

“Was it you?” Jane asks.

“What’s that, princess?”

She grimaces at the nickname. “Call me princess again, and you’ll be picking your teeth up off the floor.”

The leader smiles and comes closer to her. He cups Jane’s face and tilts her chin up. John knows her. He knows that deep down, she’d want to do something stupid like spit in his face or kick him in the balls, but if she knows what’s good for any of them, she’ll stay calm. 

“I’d like to see you try. The name’s Garm, and we’re the Blood Pack… and yes, we broke the prison out.”

“Why?”

He holds her face tighter, and she winces in pain, shaking him off. “Because it will do more than any gun will. Feed them a little, appease them, and you have a full arsenal ready at your command. So when we saw you stockpiling all those supplies, we knew we had a worthy enemy.”

“Hey, pal,” Kaidan says, now allowed to stand up again. He wobbles on his feet and wipes at his lips with the back of his sleeve, “you want us dead, just shoot us now. Flattered, really, that you’d go to such a ridiculous length to kill us. But you could make it real easy.”

Garm turns his head to Kaidan and smirks. “How are your ribs feeling? Face?”

“Could be worse.”

“Because we don’t necessarily want you dead,” he says. “We just want you out of our way. Look, there’s a few ways we can do this. Either you show how grateful you are for us saving you from those things, and hand over everything you have, or you give us trouble, and we start shooting you in the knee caps, unless one of my guys decides to start having some fun with you. Her… her we might consider keeping alive.”

Jane’s face goes cold, and the anger is evident.

“You won’t lay a hand on her,” John snarls. It’s all too easy to figure out what they want from her, what they’d do to her, and the thought leaves him feeling like he’s going to puke.

“Is that so? You’re out gunned and outnumbered. I’d like to see you try to stop me.”

Jane looks over at him and shakes her head, telling him to let the gang do whatever they want for now. The pain settles low in his stomach and he hopes they can keep their hands to themselves long enough for them to figure out a way out of here.

“You want our supplies, fine. We’ll just get in the car and go,” Kaidan says.

Garm chuckles and it sends chills down John’s back. “The car? You think that we’re going to let you get away with a loaded car? One that will actually work? You must be some kind of fucking idiot, kid.”

Jane bites down on her lip, and then speaks up. “Take the car.”

John looks at her, and his eyes snap open wide. She shakes her head, telling him there’s no way they can escape with their truck. They’re going back on foot, and there’s nothing he can do about it. He doesn’t know how long it’s now going to take to head back, probably days, and he doesn’t know how much of their supplies they’d be able to carry. 

Garm rips the backpack off Jane’s back, knocking her to the ground. She grunts and rolls over, watching him rifle through her things. He tosses aside a few personal items, things that have no value to him. When John looks back to Kaidan, he notices they’re doing the same exact thing to him. He watches as they pull out bandages and medicine, tossing them into the trunk.

“Hey, hey, hey,” John says, “you can’t just take all of our shit. Not all of it.”

John feels a cold gun barrel hit the back of his head. It cocks and a bullet slides into place. He shuts his eyes and holds his hands up.

“I think we can take whatever we want,” Garm chuckles.

Kaidan’s dark eyes look up at him and he shakes his head.

_Don’t fight it_.

But there’s part of John that can’t resist it. He knows what it means if they lose _everything_. He knows it means their trek back is going to be barely survivable. They’re going to need to find shelter and food, and god forbid anything happens to them trying to get out of here. They’re so far beyond shit out of luck John doesn’t know if there’s a decent phrase for it.

A few of the scavengers examine the guns they’ve thrown on the ground and chuckle.

“Fully loaded,” one says.

Another picks up John’s gun and points it in a circle at each of them. “Tell me when to stop, and I’ll shoot. Like Spin the Bottle. Or Duck, Duck, Goose.”

John swallows and closes his eyes. He hears Jane zipping her backpack, empty now, aside from things that they don’t have a value for. He doesn’t know what Kaidan’s doing, but John prays the gun doesn’t land on him or Jane. He can’t bear to watch either of them die. It’s simply not in his wiring.

The scavenger whirls around a few times, wobbling as she gets dizzier, and then finally the other says “stop”. John opens his eyes to the barrel of a gun pointed at his head. He hardly has time to breathe in before Kaidan says something, and a gunshot goes off. 

“Go!” he shouts.

It all moves so fast, and he watches Jane scramble to her feet, pulling Kaidan up with her. John doesn’t register anything but the growing stain on the side of Kaidan’s sleeve, so much so that he hardly notices them grabbing him too. And then they run.

Behind them, Garm screams and fires off bullet after bullet. John follows as Jane and Kaidan weave and zig zag, bullets kicking up dirt and dust too close to their feet. His legs ache and burn, and his throat feels like fire too. He’d never been a good runner, not one bit, and kids would make fun of him in school for it. How did someone like him, built well, strong, tough, manage to fuck up running? 

“Go,” Jane gasps, and keeps running, “don’t stop!”

John looks up and sees a storm drain, blown open and big enough for them to all slide into.

“There!” he says. “Nobody’s going to follow us down there.”

Jane shoots a glance back. “Because it’s full of shit, that’s why!”

“No,” he gasps, “just rain water. Go!”

Jane slides in first, dropping in with a small splash. Kaidan goes next, easing himself into the drain, and John follows. Figures loom over the entrance, and fire bullet after bullet. They carefully ease their way away from the entrance and deeper into the tunnels. Finally, there’s silence.

“Shit,” Kaidan mutters, bending over with his hands on his knees. “Let’s not do that again.”

“Where to?” John says.

Jane reaches into her backpack and pulls out a map from a hidden compartment. Kaidan smirks and shakes his head.

“Thank god.”

“I always suspected that sort of thing would happen. May be totally down for the count on food and medical supplies, but can’t lose our recon.”

John and Kaidan take a seat on an oversized pipe, and John pulls out a flashlight. He shines a light on Kaidan’s arm, brushing the wound with his fingers. His boyfriend flinches, but keeps his cool, per usual.

“You doing okay?”

He nods. “Just a scratch. I’ll be fine.”

“It’s bleeding a lot, you sure?”

Kaidan nods. “Yeah. We gotta get out of here first. I’ll get some bandages eventually.”

“Well, if we head this way,” Jane says, pointing directly in front of them, “we’re going to hit another opening, right near a hospital.”

“Hospitals aren’t creepy at all,” Kaidan groans. “But beds… maybe food, a chance to restock just a little bit? Might be worth checking out.”

John nods. “Okay.”

“Lead the way,” Kaidan says, motioning for Jane to take them that direction.

She rolls her eyes. “You two would be so dead without me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see what the creepy hospital has in store. Possibly cute mshenko-ness, and some flashbacks of Jane and Thane! (also art to go with it!)


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday! This one comes as a celebration of the end of my semester, and the start of winter break. There's also a really wonderful sketch to go with this chapter courtesy of hopskipandarump on tumblr!! They did an awesome job with it and I'm so happy! Thanks as always to elenafishersgf for beta-ing. 
> 
> Your comments and feedback are always so appreciated! Enjoy :)

John can’t help but stare just a _little_ bit. He watches intently as Kaidan slowly strips off his flannel and tosses it on one of the examining tables. He takes a seat and looks down at his arm. He’s right, it’s just a scratch, but it has been bleeding badly, and still is. It’s dripped onto his white tank top undershirt and down his arm, and sweat glistens on his skin, hair drooping in front of his face. It’s been a few days since he last shaved, and the bruises on his face are beginning to show. Kaidan does rugged and dirty all too well. He realizes quickly that maybe this isn’t the time, but it’s also the only thing making him feel better. 

“You should get shot more often,” John mutters.

Kaidan looks up. “Excuse me?”

“Nothing…”

“My arm hurts!” he shouts.

“I’m just saying. Despite the blood, and dirt, and sweat… you look handsome.”

Kaidan glares. “ _My arm hurts_.”

“Right,” John says, standing up, and heading over to the cabinets in the hospital room. He opens one of them and searches for bandages. He finds a roll of gauze, some cotton balls and hydrogen peroxide in a cabinet, and pulls it over to the table. He pours the peroxide on the cotton balls, and Kaidan stiffens. 

John brushes the cotton balls across his skin, wiping away the dried blood. Kaidan gasps and grips the table beneath him. He swallows hard as he moves closer to the wound itself. John swaps out the cotton for thicker gauze to stop the bleeding. He presses down hard, feeling Kaidan’s blood pumping beneath his fingertips. He pulls away and cleans the wound for him, pressing gauze to it, and slowly wrapping the bandages around his bicep.

“Better?”

“I might forgive you for checking me out when wounded now.”

Kaidan pulls him in closer and wraps his arms around his neck. Shepard presses his forehead to Kaidan’s and breathes him in. 

“We made it out okay,” Kaidan reminds him.

“Yeah.”

“Just like we always do.”

John tilts Kaidan’s head up, cupping his jaw. He feels along the thick scruff that prickles beneath his fingertips, and before John can start overthinking it, Kaidan’s lips collide against his. His hands move down John’s body and fingers weave around the belt loops on his hips. He tugs him between his legs and kisses harder, hungrier. It says enough. It says ‘we almost didn’t make it out’, or ‘we never know when out last chance will be’.

John can make out the faint taste of blood from the cut on Kaidan’s lip, and feels the swelling against his own, but it doesn’t stop Kaidan from kissing him harder. They break apart for a moment to gasp for air, and wind up tangled in each other again. John thinks of how much he misses their shared room at the Safe House, where they called home, where there were enough people to not wonder where they went if they wanted a few moments alone, where they knew they were safe. 

Kaidan pulls away slowly, but keeps John within his grasp. He gives a gentle smile and presses several soft kisses to his cheek.

“We’re going to get back to the Safe House soon enough,” he says, as if he can read John’s mind. Sometimes he really wonders if he can. “And I’m going to demand some time off. For just the two of us.”

John breathes him in and nods. “Good.”

“Just you and me, in _our_ bed, sleeping in… hot showers, food…”

“We fucking deserve it.”

Kaidan smiles back, stroking John’s cheek with his thumb. “God, we do.”

There’s a long pause, and they stay there, eyes closed, happy to have a moment of their own, quiet, peaceful… He hopes for many more. 

“I can’t believe you said I should get shot more often,” Kaidan said, laughing.

“I was joking… mostly,” John replies.

“That’s so rude. It hurt.”

He smooths his fingers over the bandages on Kaidan’s arm, and leans over to kiss his bicep. Kaidan blushes and tugs him closer again.

“I think you just _really_ need to get laid.”

John glances up and laughs. “Shit, you can say that again.”

 

***

_“This is creepy,” Jane says. The interior of the hospital looks like a war zone. The walls are half collapsed, and blood is smeared on the ground. She makes not to step over any rubble or bodies she so happens to come across. Though, there aren’t many bodies. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make her feel any better. The less dead bodies she finds, the more zombies there are to fight._

_Thane laughs under his breath. She has yet to hear him_ actually _laugh, but she thinks that it sounds nice nonetheless. He’s a subtle person in all the things he does, and she finds it comforting. When the rest of them have no idea what the answer is, Thane seems to know something they don’t. He’s always got something to say, and she finds that it’s always the right thing._

_“Creepy, sure, but useful, nonetheless,” he says back. “Look.”_

_He steps into one of the labs, where rows upon rows of cabinets are perched on the walls. Some of them hang open, shattered medicine bottles and vaccines on the floor. They enter together, and Jane skims the contents of the room. She notes bandages, disinfectant, medication. Thane pulls his backpack from his shoulders and sets it on the table, and quickly starts sifting through the supplies._

_She watches him carefully. She wonders if this is how John felt the first time he saw Kaidan, though her admiration and desire has come with time, rather than in an instant. Did he feel like part of him was on fire? She doesn’t remember if she’d ever felt this sense of anxiety, the sense of knowing that no matter how long they had, it would still never be enough time. She watched John’s adoration for Kaidan grow with time, she watched him long for him, and wish that Kaidan would notice the way he looked at him. She wants Thane to know those same things. She wants him to know how much she wants him, the way he makes her feel so at home, and equal parts calm and excited._

_“I think you forget that I was a father. I still have eyes in the back of my head.”_

_She blushes and looks away. She doesn’t know if it’s because she’s been caught, or the rare instance that Thane is willing to speak about his family. She knows bits and pieces, and she doesn’t press. Thane speaking about his family feels like a privilege in a way. It happens so infrequently that she has to wonder if it means something about how they’ve grown together._

_“You caught me…”_

_“Of course,” he says, mulling the thoughts over. “Kolyat always hated it when I’d say that. He thought it was stupid, and knew it wasn’t true. Until I caught him trying to sneak things when I wasn’t looking. Extra dessert, getting out of the house to play with friends when homework wasn’t done.”_

_She smiled. “Can’t say I didn’t try it a few times myself.”_

_“We all did. He was good, but I’m better.”_

_He stops shoving things into his bag and instead leans against the table. His fists clench a bit, and his jaw tightens. There’s always been something so handsome about him, something that feels so unknowable. She studies the look on his face, hoping maybe she can understand him. Maybe there’s something in their pain that matches up, that she can relate to._

_But how could she? Of course she’s lost people. She’s lost her parents, friends, anyone she’s ever really loved — except John. But losing parents is something most kids know is coming. She’d think about it a lot as a kid, after watching a Disney movie with the inevitable dead parent, or someone at school bringing it up. She wondered what it would feel like. But now, she doesn’t quite remember. There’s too much running to dwell on it much. She supposes the one good thing about the apocalypse is how little time it leaves to mourn. Mourning has to take second place to surviving. It seems like an advantage._

_Thane didn’t lose a parent, though. Not the way she did. He’d buried his wife and child, and somehow found it in himself to keep going, to keep fighting. It still makes her wonder if there was anything truly different about him before it all happened._

_“You miss them,” she says, finally._

_“Just like you miss your parents.”_

_“Not just like that.”_

_He shrugs. “I suppose you’re right. I hope you never have to feel the kind of loss I do. No one should.”_

_She swallows. She steps closer to him, and rests a hand on top of his. He looks up, flashing dark eyes at her. There’s no anger, and not really even sadness. She feels comfort. She glances down at their hands, where her freckled, pale skin meets his soft, brown skin. There’s so much that separates them, but somehow, they keep coming back together._

_“I apologize for the… digression.”_

_She smiles. “It’s okay.”_

_“What I was really trying to say was that I knew you were looking at me.”_

_“You don’t say,” she teases._

_He pauses, and the faintest smile appears on his lips. “I hope it doesn’t take having children yourself to get you to notice when I do the same.”_

_She laughs under her breath and shakes her head, about to come up with something equally as clever to say back, but instead, he pulls her into a hungry kiss and slides his arms around her. She draws her hands up to his sharp face and kisses him back. She’s forgotten how good it feels to have another body pressed against hers. His lips are soft, despite being somewhat chapped and dry, and he doesn’t exactly taste the way she’d imagined, but somehow better. She feels his hands grip at the fabric of her jacket, and tug her tighter to him, at the same time she grabs his locks of dark hair and bites down on his lower lip._

_Thane pulls away after a moment, but she reels him back in, not ready to let him slip away just yet. He sighs her name against her lips, and reaches for the table to steady them. She can sense the kiss coming to an end, and she makes note to remember the feeling of his thick hair in her hands, of the way he breathes between kisses, and how the leather of his jacket feels under her grip._

_She eases back, and brushes her thumb against the side of his face. He remains smiling, and she hopes it means he wants to do it again._

_“You have a way with romance,” she says._

_He bites down on his bottom lip. “If it works on you, at least I’ve succeeded where it matters.”_

 

This hospital is nicer. There’s less blood on the walls, generally more supplies, and it feels like they could stay here the night, not take what they needed and run. But it’s close enough that she can almost taste Thane on her lips, and when she touches the fabric of her jacket, she can almost pretend it’s him underneath her fingers, even if it’s been almost three years. 

She skims the medication on the walls, looking for something useful. She notices a few names quickly. Antibiotics, painkillers… she stops at a cabinet containing Pulmozyme, among other things, and feels her stomach tighten. She looks at the names over and over again, several different types of drugs. Words she’d heard Thane say all the time, things that she knew would have saved him, bought him more time. She knew there was no chance of saving him, but the naive part of her brain tells her she should have tried harder. She should have done something else to keep him alive.

Her eyes well with tears, and rage bubbles in her chest. And before she can stop herself, every last item on the shelf is on the floor, shattered, leaking around her. She feels glass dig into her palm, but the pain feels good. It’s a distraction from how she feels inside, and she’s grateful for it. Jane looks down and digs the shard out of her hand and finds it doesn’t feel good anymore. Tears drip down her face, and she lets out a soft cry of pain.

She hardly notices that she’s not alone until she feels Kaidan’s hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t turn, but he reaches for her injured hand and clears a space for them on the floor with his boot. He eases her onto the ground, and sits in front of her, holding her bleeding hand. At some point, he’d grabbed bandages, disinfectant, and a pair of tweezers to pull the glass out.

She shuts her eyes, and bites down on her bottom lip as he eases the shard from her skin. She swallows, and hears the glass clink on the floor, and Kaidan presses a wad of bandages to her skin. When the bleeding slows, he pours the disinfectant over the wound, and then slowly begins to wrap.

“Thanks,” she mutters.

He nods. Kaidan’s been sleeping, probably just in the next room over, bundled with John on a small hospital bed. She tries her hardest to not get angry at them, because she knows that it’s not their fault. John deserves Kaidan, and Kaidan deserves him. And at the end of the day, she still has both of them too.

His eyes are still half shut, and his hair is a mess, and she can see he’s still slightly bleeding through the bandages on his arm.

“How are you doing?”

“It’s fine,” he says, “sore, but it’ll heal.”

She nods. “Good.”

Kaidan looks down at the shattered glass and medicine around them, and figures out what it’s all about. He shuts his eyes, and eases himself against the cabinets behind them. When she first met Kaidan, she barely trusted him. John was quick to take Kaidan’s side, and it partially had to do with the desire to get in Kaidan’s pants. But after a few weeks of traveling together, he’d won her over. It was a skill of his, seemingly. 

She was far from oblivious to why her brother loved him so much, and she loved him too, but in such a different way. They’d spent one night together, before John and Kaidan began a relationship, and hardly did more than kiss, but it had felt right then. Plenty of beers, and a lack of physical contact made it all too tempting. Though, they’d agreed to never tell John.

“You know that even if we had been able to track down a consistent amount of drugs, it wouldn’t have changed anything.”

Her eyes swell with tears again. “I know. But maybe he would have been here longer… maybe he’d still be here now. Maybe it’s stupid.”

“I know, but you know he was in pain. It would have just been more suffering, more delaying the inevitable. But I… I think I get it. I sometimes try to think of what I’d do if it were me… if it were John? God, I’d never want to see him suffer, but the thought of losing him…”

“I know,” she says, and tears leak down her face. “I wouldn’t want it for myself either. I just… I don’t know how to make it stop hurting. I try so hard to be brave around John, but it’s tiring. He expects me to keep getting better, and I’m trying. But he doesn’t understand what I feel. And I hope he never has to.”

“I worry about that every day.”

She sniffles and wipes her eyes with the back of her sleeve. “Dying?”

He shakes his head. “No, but what will happen to him if I do. I think it was almost a very real possibility today.”

She shuts her eyes and nods. “I know.”

“Can you promise me something?”

She meets his glance. He’s serious about whatever it is, and part of her wonders if she can follow through with what he wants. But the only way to know is to ask.

She swallows. “It depends.”

“If something happens to me, ever, something you know I won’t make it out of, you make him leave.”

She knows exactly what he means, and nods her head. If she knows anything about her brother, or his love for Kaidan, it’s that he would _never_ make the logical choice. He’d rather have the worst things happen to himself than leave him behind. And the worst part is that she knows he would do the same for her.

“Likewise.”

Kaidan nods and rests his hand on her leg. “Deal.”

There’s a long moment of silence, and she feels Kaidan swallow.

“And _never,”_ he starts, “tell him about this.”

“Of course not.”

She leans back and shuts her eyes. He stands up, and helps her off the ground. Quickly, in a single scoop, he carries her over to the hospital bed. She can feel that he’s in pain, but she’s grateful nonetheless. She’s not positive she could have gotten herself off the floor. Kaidan hovers over her for a moment and presses a kiss to the top of her head.

“Get some sleep,” he says. “We’ll get moving again in the morning.”


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday! Hope you guys enjoy meeting the Alliance gang, and seeing their home, and a little bit of smut :) Thanks as always to elenafishersgf on tumblr for the beta. 
> 
> As always, your comments are MUCH appreciated!

Jane had never been so happy to see the Safe House. Nestled among the trees, hidden up in the hills, it is one of the most defensible positions in the area. They’ve come under attack enough times, but never by a force big enough to take it. When they first joined up with the Alliance, she wasn’t sure what to make of a small army making a home out of an abandoned boarding school.

But it was the only place that really felt like home since Mindoir. Sure, it had turrets on the top of the building, usually manned when scouts reported back that there were enemies in the area, and maybe she was living in a dorm room and using a communal shower, but it was home. It was one place she could always rest her head that she would _know_ nothing could hurt her.

She looks behind her at John and Kaidan, both of them slowly making their way up the hill. Their trek shows on their faces and in all their body movements, but as they get closer to the school, they’ve picked up speed. 

Kaidan still wears the bloody shirt he’d been shot in, and he’s gone days without shaving, beard coming in thick and scruffy on his cheeks. His eyes are sunken in, and he looks borderline starving. Jane knows it’s because he is. It has always been like Kaidan to be self-sacrificial, and she’d caught him cutting his rations short to let them both eat more. If she brought it up, it would have just caused more issues. She can sense the length of time out in the field getting to his head. John looks like he hasn’t slept in days, and his exhaustion shows in the way he walks, trying his best not to lean on Kaidan, but needing the help anyway. 

“Scouts incoming!” James shouts from the lookout. 

Jane makes out his burly figure hopping down and scaling down the lookout to get to the front door. Ashley appears in the doorway and surveys them. None of them are terribly injured, and don’t need emergency medical care to get them to the infirmary. And they are empty handed. They don’t need any help collecting supplies.

The group reaches the front door, and Ashley approaches them. She examines each of them, confused, but relieved to see them come back at all. She pulls Jane into a tight hug, and it hits her how _good_ Ashley smelled, and how she probably smells half like the undead herself.

“Glad you came back,” she says. Jane nods, and lets her go.

She hits John on the shoulder, and the two exchange a smirk, and she jokes that he looks like shit. She stops at Kaidan, and immediately looks to his arm, where the heaviest blood stain is. He shakes his head, to let her know he is perfectly fine. She reaches up to his face and cups his cheeks. He presses a soft kiss to her forehead and she shuts her eyes.

“Where’s the car?” she asks.

Kaidan sighs. “We were ambushed. They took the car, all of our supplies, and we had to make it back here without them.”

“That it?” she says. 

Jane reaches into her backpack, and pulls out her map. “No. We have documentation on all the locations in the area, and crucial strongholds we could clear the way to take. There’s a few warehouses that we could send scouts to get to where there should still be resources. They took our stuff, but they didn’t take the intel.”

Ash gives a smile. “Well, it’s better than nothing. I’m sure Liara will be happy to hear that.”

Jane sees Anderson approaching from the War Room, eager to see what they’ve brought back. Something warms inside her seeing him, and it reminds her that she’s home. She and John were more than adults when they first met Anderson, but there’d always been something about him that they both found so familial. To her, Anderson always seemed like one of those people who was meant to be a parent, but never ended up becoming one. Maybe it explains why he’s so good at taking care of such a rag-tag bunch of survivors. 

He approaches and pulls Jane into a tight hug, and she holds on back.

“Good to have you back, sweet heart,” he says. 

She nods. “I’m glad to be home.”

He lets go of her and moves to John next. He pulls him into a hug, and mutters. “Missed you too, son.” He shakes Kaidan’s hand when he’s done, and his eyes dart to Kaidan’s bloodied up sleeve. 

“Just a scratch,” he assures him.

“Ayy, Lola!” James shouts from the other side of the entry way. He approaches the group and yanks her into a hug first. 

“Who put you on sniper duty?” she teases.

“Garrus took night watch last night and needed a nap…”

“Shit,” she says, messing with his haphazard mohawk, “it’s a wonder you didn’t shoot us when you saw us coming.”

Ash stops them both and sighs. “Well, _The Shining_ twins and Kaidan lost a car.”

“Lost it, as in…?” Anderson asks.

“We were ambushed.”

“Shit,” James says. “Well, I’m sure Joker and Cortez are going to be thrilled to hear that.”

Kaidan rubs the back of his neck. “Look, we’ll give a full debriefing later on with Hackett and Anderson, but we gotta eat. And sleep. Shower.”

Anderson nods, accepting it for now. Jane reaches into her bag and passes him the intel map for him to study before the debriefing. He examines it a moment, and gives an appreciative smile. He heads back to the War Room, probably to analyze with Hackett. It’s better than nothing.

John rests his hand on Kaidan’s arm. “You’re going to the infirmary first.”

Jane turns on her heel and looks at the boys. “Well, _I’m_ going to go eat a full day’s worth of meals. Have fun.”

James chuckles under his breath and he and Ash join her toward the dining hall. They walk through the school, and Jane feels at home all over again. She can’t wait to curl up in her bed, take a long, hot shower, and sleep until tomorrow. This scouting trek had been the worst yet, and it was one she wasn’t positive they’d make it out of alive. 

Mess Sergeant Gardener was in the middle of preparing lunch for everyone, and Jane had never smelled something so desirable. Sure, it’s just chicken with vegetables and rice, but she can also make out the scent of fresh baked bread and mashed potatoes. She’s just about ready to eat whatever they put in front of her.

She gets a plate and Ash directs Gardener to lay it all on her, and he doesn’t question it. She imagines the hunger and exhaustion shows on her face. They take a seat at a long table, and she digs in immediately. Warm food that was cooked with time and care has never felt so good. The pain in her stomach vanishes almost instantly, and she has to remind herself to not eat too fast, or she’ll regret it later.

She feels someone rest hands on her shoulders, and cross over to the other side of the table. Joker sits down in front of them, and tips his hat at her. Cortez slides himself into the table as well, and gives a curt smile. Coming back always reminds her of what she misses while she’s gone. She doesn’t realize how much she misses Joker’s terrible jokes, or Steve’s gentle reassurances. She misses Ash and James, and how good it feels to have a best friend she’d die for, and who would die for her. She misses movie nights with Tali, and how somehow, she’s always able to track down nail polish or fancy soaps, stuff to pamper themselves with. But when she’s here, she can forget about the things that hurt, just for a little while.

“So, rumor has it you lost us a ride.”

“I didn’t lose you anything,” she snarks back at Joker. “Except… well… food, medical supplies, the car…”

“Hey,” Steve mediates, “we’re glad you’re all back safely. Each step into new territory gets bloodier and bloodier. You never know when we could lose someone.”

Jane nods. “Yeah, and these other scavenger gangs are getting more and more ruthless. You should have seen what they were capable of.”

“Hmm?” James asks.

Jane reaches into her backpack and pulls out the map. She spreads it before them, and points to the circle marked at the prison. She then draws a line with her finger to their base.

“This prison was loaded with ‘em, and it had been locked down and sturdy for what… ten years? But this Blood Pack? They took it over, and were feeding the goddamn things to appease them, and then when they wanted them to attack, when we got too close for comfort, they let them out-.”

“Shit,” Ashley mutters. 

“It was all a trap. But people are getting smarter and smarter, and more dangerous for us out there,” she finishes. “We’re going to have to take some extremes in order to keep surviving the way we have been.”

“As long as they don’t try to send anyone into Boston,” Joker says.

“It’d be suicide,” Steve finishes. “Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

Ashley swallows, and keeps her mouth shut. Jane looks up at her, hoping to get some answers. Ash knows something the rest of them don’t, and it doesn’t make Jane feel good about what comes next. However, for now, she has a full meal in front of her, a warm shower and soft bed to succumb to later, and all the people she loves most are safe. It’s enough to keep her happy for now. Even the smallest reliefs mean something now.

 

*** 

Kaidan loses track of how long he stays underneath the shower head. The scalding water pours down from above and it feels like the best thing in the world. He finds a certain joy in watching dirt and blood swirl around at the base of the shower, and leave his skin. It’s just proof that they’ve made it through another day. He shuts his eyes, knowing that there’s nothing else to wash, and he’s just wasting water now, but it feels okay right now to be indulgent.

His arm burns and tingles as more hot water runs over the waterproof bandage Doctor Chakwas put over his fresh stitches, but it doesn’t stop him from enjoying every moment of this. He also doesn’t mind the fact that it’ll scar. He remembers scabby knees as a kid, and how his mom told him time and time again not to pick at them, but he could never resist. And after a hockey accident left him with scarring around his lip, she’d also gone to such efforts to figure out if they could fix it, but nothing quite worked. His body is full of them by now, some from before, others from after. A thick, gnarly one along his side, marks still left from homemade stitches, marks from every wrong turn, fight for survival. In some ways, he’s grown to really like them.

He shuts off the water and reaches for the clean towel on the rack, and dries his body off. He shakes off his hair in front of the sink and smooths through it with his fingers. It’s good enough for now.

When he enters their bedroom, John lays sprawled out on their bed, and it’s never felt more like home. It’s a place that’s all theirs, bigger than most other people’s since it housed two instead of one. Their haphazard dorm beds were bound together to form a large double bed. The sheets hold it all together, letting them sleep curled up against one another, only coming loose or thrown off when their nights together got wilder than usual. Pictures and decorations they’ve kept and acquired over the years line the walls, and their drawers are stocked with their own clothes. It’s the place they’re happiest to rest their heads.

John’s eyes flutter up to him, and he gives a happy smile. He nods his head in the direction of the empty spot next to him on the bed. Kaidan takes a seat on his side of the bed, and immediately feels John slide an arm around his waist. He turns as John sits up and scoots closer to Kaidan. He cups the sides of Kaidan’s face, rough thumbs brushing his freshly shaved cheeks, and gives a smile. He presses a soft kiss against his skin, and hums in appreciation. John reaches over and clutches his hand, and quickly turns into him, and presses a soft kiss against his neck. Kaidan smiles and pulls him closer.

“You smell so good,” he mutters into Kaidan’s neck, between kisses, nipping at his neck and letting his hands wander down his body.

“Mm, yeah, must be a nice change.”

John inches him backward onto the bed and lays him flat. His hands come to Kaidan’s chest, and he straddles him. He moves up, tangling his hands into Kaidan’s still dripping wet curls. Kaidan scolds him, knowing too much fussing with them is going to make it completely unmanageable in the morning. So instead, John leans down and presses a hard and hungry kiss against his mouth.

He cups John’s face, keeping him close and kissing him. He moves his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, and grips the belt loops on John’s jeans - clean ones, too. After a moment, he slips his hands into the back pockets, and presses his body firm against his own. John lets out a soft moan and bites down on Kaidan’s bottom lip. John’s hips grind against his harder, and Kaidan feels the towel around his waist coming loose. He reaches down to readjust, but John stops him. Kaidan’s eyes flicker up to his and he smirks. 

“It’s not like we have to run from anything,” John reminds him, and kisses him again. Kaidan pulls away for a moment, and smirks.

“Right. No need to run from anything. So we can take our time?”

John nods. “Yeah, sure.”

He tries to return to kissing Kaidan, but he rests a finger on his boyfriend’s lips. “Good, because I’ve been dying to drive you wild.”

He reaches down, and unbuckles John’s belt, and slowly unzips his pants. He cups him through his boxers and feels his boyfriend’s desire growing beneath his touch. John lets out a soft moan, and arches his back, pushing him into Kaidan even more. 

“Y-yeah?”

Kaidan rolls his hips against John’s, and notes the ways his body reacts. John slips his hands below Kaidan’s towel and with another movement of Kaidan’s body, he digs his nails into his bare skin. Seeing John tremble, his eyes flutter closed as he bites down on his lip, reminds Kaidan that it’s the hottest damn thing in the world.

“Yeah, and if we’re in no rush, I think I’d like to spend a generous amount of time between your legs.”

John nods, breathless already, still working Kaidan’s hips against his own. “Fuck, okay.”

“C’mon,” Kaidan groans, “let’s catch you up to speed.”

Kaidan eases John’s shirt over his head, exposing his pale, semi-freckled skin, and John wiggles his way out of his jeans, making sure to rub and press himself against Kaidan’s body wherever he can. Kaidan smirks as they reach equal levels of undress, and drinks his partner in. John doesn’t think much of himself, and maybe he doesn’t have time to. He’s only ever been with Kaidan, and seems to be okay with that. As long as Kaidan loves his thin muscles, scarred skin, and exposed body, not much else matters.

Kaidan begins to press hot kisses to the side of his neck, nibbling at all his favorite places, the ones that make John moan. He kisses the spaces where John’s muscles tighten and takes his time at the hollow of his throat. His hands slip below the waistband of his partner’s boxers and he runs his thumb along his length, stroking him as he grows hard at his touch. He swears he hears John gasp his name, but his own hunger for more is distracting. 

His lips ease down his body, the taste of salty, soft skin at his mouth. John shivers and curses under his breath as Kaidan’s lips find the creases of his hips. He kisses delicately along them, leading into his boxers. John helps him slide them down, exposing himself and wanting whatever his boyfriend has in store next. Kaidan takes his time, nipping and teasing his skin lower and lower, pressing hot kisses to the inside of his thighs and listening to John moan as he holds himself back from giving him what he really wants.

“K, this is fucking rude,” he gasps.

He’s right, and Kaidan knows it. He takes in a deep breath and pulls John into his mouth, making him cry out and grab Kaidan’s curls. He guides his mouth, keeping the movements slow at first. They both know this won’t last long. Running from zombies doesn’t offer much time for sex, and it’s mostly reserved for nights where Jane isn’t around or when they’re at the Safe House, alone.

John tilts his head back against his pillows, and Kaidan looks up for a moment to watch the muscles in his neck tighten, and his jaw drop open. Kaidan bobs against him, as he promised, being very generous with his time. He listens to each moan and gasp John has to offer, and uses it to guide himself. As he grows louder and more desperate, Kaidan can tell he’s close. John’s nails dig into his scalp, and he urges him to go faster. Kaidan’s hands slip to his boyfriend’s ass, holding him as he squirms underneath his grip. 

“Fuck,” he gasps. “Fuck.”

His voice cracks and he feels John wrap one of his legs around his body and hold him in place. His toes curl and a sweat arrives at his skin as he tips over the edge. Kaidan takes him in his mouth completely as he finishes with a nearly pained cry. He pulls away, watching him ride out his high. His eyes stay closed and his breathing takes an extra few seconds to even out. John deliriously reaches for Kaidan, and pulls him back up to his level. He kisses him hard a few times, and pulls away the towel that has miraculously remained around Kaidan’s waist.

“Your turn,” he gasps, and pushes Kaidan flat on his back. John tosses the towel aside and begins kissing down his body. There isn’t much to work up to, as listening to his boyfriend orgasm nearly puts him halfway there. But there’s no denying how goddamn good it feels when he finally feels John take him in. His mouth is warm, and it sends a chill all over Kaidan’s body. He leans back, and shuts his eyes. He imagines the visual of John bobbing against him, and working him to a climax the way he knows how to best and his entire body tenses up as he continues. He listens so intently to the noises John makes as he does, and feels himself growing lighter and lighter, as if he’d sink through the bed. 

The sensation starts deep in his stomach, and makes him whimper his partner’s name. John simply grips harder at Kaidan’s skin and continues what he’s doing. The fire inside him grows, and his toes curl. He reaches for John’s hair and swallows hard as he comes. John takes him in with ease, and pulls away, wiping the bottom of his lip. He presses his body against Kaidan’s and presses soft kisses to his lips. 

The two, still shaking and euphoric, hold onto one another, as if for dear life. 

“I… I needed that,” John gasps.

Kaidan smirks and nods. “Me too.”

“Round two?” John teases.

“No chance of that tonight.”

“I’m fucking wiped.”

“Same. Come on, let’s get some rest.”

It hardly takes five minutes before John is fast asleep on Kaidan’s chest. He’s draped an arm over his body and Kaidan knows it won’t be long before there’s drool on him. He sleeps so soundly with the covers pulled around him, snoring lightly. His expression is at peace, rested, and it makes him smile. He looks so young, and so handsome. He reaches a hand out to cup his cheek, and gently strokes along his strong cheekbones before pressing a kiss to his forehead. John doesn’t even budge, just keeps sleeping.

His entire body screams for sleep, to curl up next to John and completely recharge. He readjusts himself so he’s more comfortable and holding his boyfriend, and John grumbles for a moment, and then stops when Kaidan presses his lips to the back of his neck and grabs his hand. He tucks him close to his body, and kisses John’s shoulders softly, enjoying the feel of bare, clean skin against his lips. 

He thinks of other people he’s loved romantically, and he can count them all on one hand. In fact, he thinks that maybe he’s only ever truly been in love with two people. But John feels different. It feels like something more than love, and he wonders if it’s because of his partner, or because of the world they live in. He wants to protect every part of him, keep him safe from harm, because he knows there’s such an innocence to him that Kaidan can’t bear to see him lose.

He turns John over just a little bit so he can see his face, and presses a kiss to his lips. John’s eyes flutter open, and then close again, happy to accept the kiss. He weaves a hand through Kaidan’s hair and kisses back, sleepy and weak, but tender enough to satisfy both of them. 

He pulls away and looks down at John’s tired face, and lets him go back to sleeping.

“I love you,” he whispers.

John grunts out a response, and he doesn’t hear it word for word, but he’s positive that he’s returning the sentiment. Kaidan pulls him close again and shuts his eyes, breathes him in. He kisses the center of John’s back one more time, before shutting his eyes and falling fast asleep himself.


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update for you guys! This one's pretty full of logistics and plot important things, but I'm thrilled for what will come in the upcoming chapters.
> 
> Also, a very happy holidays to all of you!! Hope its a good one :)

Doctor Chakwas examines Jane’s body thoroughly. She sits on the examining table with her shirt off as the doctor skims over her for injuries. She’s used to this now, and the checkups have become less frequent. A few months ago, it was nearly daily. And she’d been taken off active scouting for that time. She wasn’t positive that it helped, but Anderson and Hackett sure seemed to think it did. 

“Nothing more than some bruises and scratches,” Chakwas says.

Jane nods. “I got lucky.”

“Go ahead and put your shirt back on.”

Jane pulls her sweater back over her head and ties her hair into a ponytail. The doctor stands in front of her for another moment and puts away her files. Jane has to assume her file is pretty big by now. Of course, she’s never had anything life-threatening happen to her. Several years ago, she’d gashed her leg open pretty badly on a broken window, and the stitches had been the worst she’d ever had. She’d had black eyes so bad that it made Chakwas and the Admirals put someone on duty to watch her sleep. But nothing that bad.

There were some things she knew were just not survivable out in the field. They’d had plenty of people die outside of the Safe House over the years. Stuff they _could_ have fixed if they’d gotten here in time. People getting shot, stabbed, bitten. Well, bitten, there was nothing anyone could do about that. 

“Everything normal? Nothing else that you should be telling me?” Chakwas asks.

Jane nods and swallows. This time, she’s not lying. The past few visits with Chakwas hadn’t been so truthful. She doesn’t know why. Maybe talking about her loss was the way to get over it, but sometimes, it feels better to say nothing. 

“Yeah. Besides, if I were lying, Kaidan would tell you the truth anyway.”

Chakwas smiles. “I always liked him. We need at least one goody-two-shoes around here. And it sure as hell isn’t going to be you or your brother.”

Jane gives a meek smile. “No, it’s not.”

“Take care, sweet heart.”

_Care,_ she thinks. She glances down at her freshly painted nails, and visualizes her toes, which are painted the same peachy pink underneath her damp boots. She thinks of Tali and Ashley, sitting up with her the past few nights, catching up on everything she’s missed since she’s been in the field. She thinks of James, keeping her occupied with everything from sorting nuts and bolts with Adams to sparring with him to keep her fit and capable. And Kaidan and John, who she knows would do nearly anything for her. There’s plenty of people here to care about her, and sometimes she can’t see it. But it feels pretty clear right now. She plans to hold onto it when they’re sent on their next assignment.

“Thanks, Doc.”

Jane pulls Thane’s jacket over her shoulders and heads out of the infirmary, toward the dining hall. On her way, she passes John and Kaidan, clearly thinking they’re being discreet. The two sit at the bottom of a set of stairs, nibbling breakfast and drinking coffee. Their legs are weaved together and they touch whenever they can. They both look the sort of euphoric that comes with returning to the Safe House.

“Just so you know, your sex bender shows on your faces,” she says, stealing a strip of bacon off John’s plate.

John’s cheeks flush red, and he fumbles for words. It just makes Kaidan smile. Honestly, she can’t even be annoyed.

“We’re not…”

“No, of course not,” she adds, “you’re eating breakfast.”

“Look, it’s the apocalypse. We have more important things at hand than having sex, okay?”

Kaidan doesn’t say anything, but stuffing more food in his mouth seems like a defense mechanism.

“Oh come on,” she says, “like I actually care.”

Kaidan reaches out and rubs the side of John’s leg and gives him a reassuring smile. Jane watches, and can’t help but smile too. She remembers family dinners and holidays where nudging aunts and uncles would ask the two of them about their love lives. They’d ask John when he was going to bring a nice girlfriend home, and they’d advise Jane not to date, to hang onto her purity and make good choices. She’d shrugged it off, not caring, but John had. He’d give curt smiles and try to brush off all the times family members told him he’d grow into a real ladykiller one day, but she’d always watch as he tried to hide all the ways his head was spinning. Denial, grief… there were so many moments where she watched him wish he could be someone else.

But since he met Kaidan, she hadn’t ever seen it again, and she was glad.

“Hey, the one nice thing is that in the zombie apocalypse, nobody cares who you fuck,” she says.

There’s a pause, and John smiles too. “Yeah.”

“Anderson and Hackett want to talk to us in the War Room,” Kaidan says, shifting the subject.

Jane groans. “Okay.”

“I think they have a new assignment for us. Well… he wants to see _all_ of us. I think the assignments are up for grabs.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Can’t we request more time off?”

“It’s been a few days, and we didn’t come back with _anything,_ ” Kaidan reminds her. 

“Yeah, but I think the trauma of almost getting shot and robbed at gunpoint after holing up inside a house from a shit load of monsters warrants at least another day of napping.”

Kaidan shrugs. “I don’t make the rules.”

“Yeah,” she teases, “you just follow every single one.”

John smirks, and looks away.

“Haha,” Kaidan says back, “you guys think you’re real funny, don’t you?”

John stands up and holds a hand out for Kaidan. He takes it and pulls himself up to his feet. John and Kaidan leave their breakfast plates on one of the dining hall tables on their way, and head for the War Room. They’re not the first ones here, but the nervous chatter among them seems to give the impression that whatever is about to happen isn’t that great.

They find James and Ashley, chatting amongst themselves as they wait for the meeting to commence. Anderson and Hackett sit at the head of their desk, with Sam Traynor and Liara on either side of them. Jane crosses her arms and waits for the meeting to begin. She glances behind Hackett and Anderson, and swallows.

It’s a map of the area, including the coordinates she’d marked on the map from their recent scouting. But this one’s bigger. It’s sometimes hard to conclude where exactly they are. So much of it relies on digging up old maps, wherever they can find them. She knows they’re somewhere in upstate New York, or what _was_ upstate New York. Even without the zombie apocalypse, it seems as if there wasn’t much here, except the school. Before finding the school, they were nomads, regrouping with all their things and trucks whenever they could, whenever they had to.

But this map covers a good part of New England, and has markers going further east than they’ve gone before. Closer to major cities than they’ve had to go before.

Hackett clears his throat. When they first joined the Alliance, John was absolutely terrified of him. He had decent reason, though. Hackett is a commanding man, with a harsh face, steely eyes, and a giant scar that tears through his lower face. He’s serious, but Jane knows it’s only because he carries the weight of everyone’s lives on his shoulders. For that, she doesn’t worry about being afraid of him. She just does her best. 

“Everyone, listen up,” Hackett says. 

Everyone straightens around the room and directs their attention completely to him. Jane was surprised when she first joined at how civil and organized the Alliance was. Everyone seemed to know their place, and took their roles seriously. At the top, there was Anderson and Hackett, two military officers who were both nearing retirement when the outbreak took over. They’d brought Doctor Chakwas with them, knowing they’d need a medic and nurse, and slowly began to build their numbers from there.

Jane scans the room, evaluating who is here, and what it means for the rest of the meeting. Sam and Liara spend most of their time at the Safe House, and hardly ever leave. They analyze intel and communications, and Sam particularly attempts to make contact with other groups and potential allies. Steve and Joker handle transportation. Both of them have earned their stripes as getaway drivers on raids and missions, and she knows how lucky they are to have any form of working cars, nonetheless multiple… even if they lost their last ride.

Then there’s the scouts, like them, like Ashley and James, and sometimes Garrus. They rotate out their shifts, and take turns going into the field. Though lately, the demand for more missions and more time out in the field has grown, and there are times where there’s no scouts left at the Safe House at all. It’s those times that they all pray nothing terrible comes their way.

“The Admiral and I have talked extensively over the past few days to come up with what our next game plan is, and we think we’ve got it. We’re safe here, and the Safe House is a defensible position, but unfortunately, the longer we stay here, the fewer the resources. We’ve picked nearly everything in the immediate area clean, and with the winter coming, we need to stock up on as much as we can. We don’t want to end up in a position where we send you all out suicide missions in the middle of the winter.”

Anderson nods. “Considering the loss we took when the Blood Pack went after our scouts, we’ve lost some footing in our usual areas. We need to move east.”

“How far east?” Ashley asks.

“To Boston.”

The demeanor of the room shifts, and Jane exchanges a glance with John and Kaidan. She expects the two of them to touch, hold hands, do something that comforts the other, but they don’t. And she sees Kaidan’s knuckles go white, which doesn’t reassure her of anything.

“To a city,” he speaks up. 

“Yes,” Anderson answers. “And I know we’ve never done this before, but it could be crucial in not only building our numbers but setting up supply lines and establishing connections with other resistance groups. What we’re going to need is a group that’s willing to go into the city, and do some preliminary scouting. Evaluate if it’s worth investigating further.”

“It’s less so hunting for supplies, and more recon. Marking locations on maps, charting the territory. We need to know what’s out there,” Hackett finishes.

Jane looks at John, who is biting down on his bottom lip. She wishes that twin telepathy was a real thing, because she can’t read him right now. She doesn’t know if he’s about to sign their death certificates, or if he’s terrified.

“You’ll be given a car, and basic supplies to head out there, and all of our intel on the area. The rest is up to you to document and report back. This is the closest thing to uncharted territory we’ve seen in a long time. Now, any volunteers?”

At first, nobody says anything. There’s a silence so deafening that it almost sounds like screaming. Jane knows everyone’s strengths and weaknesses by now. She knows that Ashley is smart and good with guns, and James is a tank, who is always willing to throw himself in to the fire to get them out alive. Kaidan is fast, and unfairly logical. She and John both make hard and fast calls that the rest of them don’t want to make. She knows deep down that if anyone is likely to go and come back, it would be the three of them.

“I’ll do it,” John says.

Kaidan looks at him, and swallows. Jane keeps her expression steeled and calm.

“You will?” Anderson says.

“I feel partially responsible for losing our last supply stock. We might not be in this situation if we hadn’t lost it. I don’t want someone else risking their lives because I - we - couldn’t bring back enough.”

Kaidan lets out a heavy sigh, as if he’s going to speak, but Jane beats him to it.

“Then I’ll go too,” she says. “I can’t let him do this alone. I’m just as responsible too.”

Hackett nods.

“And me too. The three of us will go into the city.”

A silence overcomes the room, and Jane examines those around them. Liara and Sam look away, almost as if they don’t want to imagine what will happen to them if they go. They know that it would be for the greater good, and Jane knows the way Liara thinks enough to know she doesn’t disagree with them. Her eyes settle on James and Ashley, and the look on Ash’s face doesn’t make her feel better. She knows it mostly has to do with Kaidan, because the same look overcomes her whenever he leaves. But this is something new. 

Hackett and Anderson confer for a moment or two, and look back to them. 

“Mission granted. Two days’ preparation, and then you ship out.”


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys all had a wonderful holiday, and a happy new year!
> 
> Enjoy the gang heading into the city, and seeing what Boston has in store for them! :)
> 
> Just a PSA, there will be no update next week, as I'll be moving into a new apartment and won't be around that day to update. Though, I'll be back for your regularly scheduled Friday update the following week.

“So, we’re coming up on the city walls,” John says, eyes focused on the road. “What intel did they give us?”

The Mass Pike looks like a littered up war zone, with cars scattered about, abandoned with vines and plants growing out of the windows. Bodies lay in the middle of the road, and John does his best to swerve out of the way as they come. But sometimes, they hit, and the entire car struggles to ignore the jolts.

“City was blocked off, wall built around it eight years ago when they couldn’t contain the spread of the virus. It was evacuated during the outbreak, but a good portion of the city stayed. And ultimately died or was turned,” Jane reads from their mission briefs. Kaidan shifts.

“So we have to scale the wall.”

Jane nods. “Hopefully we can find a way to get the car through. Otherwise we’re going to be making runs back and forth to get everything back.”

“No mercenary gangs or scavengers _reported_ in the area, though,” Kaidan adds. “Which is good. Zombies, I think we can fight. Humans… not so easy.”

John notices the icy cold demeanor Kaidan’s had the entire drive. He doubts it has to do with the mission itself, but there’s something else. Every time they bring up the status of the city, or talk about what it must be like inside the walls, it’s clear that he tenses up. John looks over at him, trying to read him. Sometimes he still doesn’t know what to make of what goes on inside Kaidan’s head. He knows every part of him, and so many details of his life, but sometimes when he looks at him, he has no way of knowing what he’s thinking.

As they drive forward, they notice something strange. Jane speaks up first. She slides herself between the two front seats and points ahead. 

“Check that out. It’s a hole,” she says. “Someone’s been here and blasted through the wall. Drive up there.”

John does as she asks, and they quickly run into a problem. The rubble covers the entrance, and there’s no gap big enough to drive the car through. The truck is tough, but it’s not built to drive over rubble this size. John puts the car in park and they think. Kaidan scans the area, pulls his gun from the glove compartment, and steps out of the car.

He evaluates the rubble and presses his boot to the rocks. Some of them come loose and fall into the street. He gives another kick to the side, and more rocks come loose. However, it stops there. The rest of the crumbled wall isn’t going to move with just a kick. John steps out of the car, and he signals for Jane to take point and guard them. 

“Lemme help,” John says.

Kaidan nods, and studies the largest piece of rubble. “You take that side, and watch the steel beams. They’re sharp.”

The two bend down, and Kaidan counts to three. Kaidan’s able to lift his side just a bit, but John struggles to maintain a solid grip, and he feels the stress building in his arms. He groans, and a pain shoots through his arm. He steps away with a cry of pain and grabs his arm.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s too heavy,” he says, “there’s no way I can move that. We can’t do it.”

“Push it?” Jane suggests, eyes peeled for enemies. 

John and Kaidan move to the same side of the rubble and press their backs to it. Kaidan counts off again, but the rock doesn’t move.

“Dammit,” he mutters. 

Kaidan looks at the hole, and groans. “Would have just driven us into a dead end anyway. Fuck.”

Jane examines the area and her eyes lock on a small control booth, not terribly far from where the car is parked. She clears her throat.

“Kaidan, you think you can get into that system?”

He looks up. “What? You want me to hack into a ten-year-old security system?”

She shrugs. “Or you could throw your back out pushing rocks around. Your choice.”

He sighs, and paces over to the door. John slides back into the car, and drives it over to the booth, right where the gate to let them in is. Kaidan surveys the booth, and jiggles the door handle. Locked. He brings the butt of his gun up to the window and smashes it against the glass. It shatters, and makes a noise a little louder than they’d like. He looks up, watching their surroundings too, and reaches inside. He flips the lock, and pushes the door open. He steps inside the booth, and looks at their computer systems. As he presses the on button, something snarls. 

John looks up as not far from where they’re standing, a small tribe of zombies munches on a still decomposing human body. And now, they’ve noticed them. One of them looks up, trying to identify the source of the sound. John examines the one looking for them. Its eyes are seared out of its face and there are gaping dark holes staring back at them.

“Don’t make a sound,” John says to Jane.

Kaidan notices through the window and his breath catches in his throat. He taps away at the computer systems, and examines what’s in front of him. John knows he was going to school to be an engineer, and could build computers like it was nobody’s business, but he needs to take this one apart, and fast. The group of zombies has risen and have started to circle in on them. He knows these things can probably smell him pretty easily, all of them, for that matter.

Jane raises her gun to the zombie, hands shaking. John looks over at her and shakes his head. They don’t know this area, they don’t know how many more they’re going to run into if they open fire. She evaluates the situation, and carefully slides the gun back into her leg holster, and instead grabs her knife from her boot. She ducks low, and steps around the car, careful to not alert the zombies approaching them.

John stands completely still, and tries to breathe as little as he can. Jane’s vanished, and he can’t even hear her now, but he knows she has some kind of plan. The blind one approaches him, and reaches a bloody hand out to him. John sucks in his breath and doesn’t let it out. Decomposing fingers touch the fabric of his shirt and one finds his skin. He shuts his eyes, and his hand settles over his gun. Last case scenario is shoot, but it looks more and more likely by the second. He opens his eyes just as Jane swoops from behind the truck and buries her knife in the throat of one of the other monsters. It gurgles, and sends the one in front of him around. It spins fully, giving John the perfect opportunity.

He plants a firm kick to its back, and it crumbles to the ground. He smashes his boot into the back of its skull, and sees blood and brains leaking onto the floor below him. Kaidan toys with the computer faster, and suddenly an alarm blares across the city. The other zombies near them take notice and search for the nearest meal.

The gate behind them begins to open.

“Get in the car, and go!” Kaidan yells.

John turns back. “Not without you!”

“I’m going to climb the wall. I’ll open it enough for the car to go through, and then scale over myself. You know it’s our best option to get us past this wall.”

John swallows and knows that deep down he trusts Kaidan. Kaidan is self-sacrificial, but that’s no different from he and Jane. But if anything, Kaidan is not suicidal. He wouldn’t make a call like that unless he knew it was the smart thing to do.

“Okay,” he agrees, slipping into the car. 

Jane yanks her knife from the other zombie and jumps in as well. Kaidan remains, and pulls out his gun, guarding the door to the booth. The gate begins to open, and John waits anxiously at the gas pedal for it to be high enough to drive under. Once it is, he presses down hard, and goes under. The second the back bumper clears, the gate begins to drop, all too quickly. Kaidan couldn’t possibly slide under in time, and his only choice is to climb. The gate comes down all the way and John pulls himself from the car.

All he can hear from the other side is the gurgling zombies, but no Kaidan. He hopes to hear some kind of grunting, something to let him know he’s getting there. It takes a moment too long, and Jane reaches for his hand, and then steps forward, as if to volunteer to go back over.

Finally, John sees movement at the top of the wall, and Kaidan hauls his legs over the side. He reaches a drain pipe on the side of the wall, and shimmies his way down to the ground. John goes to him, and examines him for wounds, but there are none. He sighs in relief.

“Don’t do something like that again.”

Kaidan brushes his thumb against the back of John’s palm, and shrugs. “No promises. Alright. Come on. We’ve got some ground to cover.”

 

***

Kaidan remembers dorm life. He remembers his first year of college, before the virus broke out. He’d been eager to be on his own, but not too far from home. He ate too much Ramen and awkwardly tried to make friends, and threw himself into his studies. Computer engineering, to be exact. He remembers how much he _hated_ communal showers, and how his roommate snored like a bear, and Kaidan would sometimes have to wake up to him fucking a sorority girl while he tried to sleep. 

When he thinks back to the short time he spent in college, he thinks mostly of Rahna. He thinks of her soft brown skin, and the way she’d always pull her dark hair back as she worked and studied with him. He’d been so nervous to ask her out the first time, and honestly couldn’t believe she’d said yes. She was beautiful, and smart, and _so_ gentle. He expected her to laugh in his face, and give a chance to somebody way more in her league. He was certain he’d fallen in love with her all too fast.

If the outbreak had never happened, he’s sure he’d have a nice job now. Maybe settled down and married Rahna. Could have had a kid or two by this point. He thinks of how simple his life would be, when he’d have to worry about things like paying bills, making his numbers at work, getting great performance evaluations. It’s sickening how easy it all sounds. But he imagines anything does compared to running for your life, trying not to die every second of every day.

He feels hands on his waist as he examines the dorm room in front of him. It’s bigger than others, and there’s four beds packed into one open room. Everything still in place. Mattresses, and vibrant colored comforters, pillows. There’s even hygiene products here.

John’s touch is a nice distraction. He hasn’t felt right since they left for the mission. He knew this would happen the first time they sent him back into a city. And in some ways, Boston reminds him a bit of Vancouver. But he can’t linger on it very long. For all he’s lost, he’s gained so much. The family he has now is chosen, and he thinks he chose well.

“Hey,” John whispers, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck.

“Hey.”

“Jane found food for us,” he says.

As Kaidan turns around, Jane walks back in with three bowls, all steaming hot. He gives a quaint smile. 

“There were almost a quarter of a million college kids in Boston when the outbreak hit,” she says, “and they left us all their Ramen. And hell, even a few microwaves worked.”

She passes each of them a bowl, and she takes a seat in the middle of the floor, legs crossed. She’s even found herself a pair of chopsticks, and is going hard at her noodles. John shrugs, and takes a seat against one of the standard issue beds in the dorm room. Kaidan joins him.

“There had to have been at least four thousand kids living in this dorm alone,” Jane comments, slurping her noodles. “I mean, the sheer size of this campus is wild. I think it’s bigger than the entire town of Mindoir.”

“Oh, definitely,” John agrees, dropping a wad of Ramen into his lap. He picks it up off his pants and eats it anyway. “Maybe two thousand homophobes and racists.”

Jane swallows, and then nods. “Yeah.”

Kaidan pauses a moment too. He thinks of John hiding who he is, lying to people to keep up appearances. He imagines that in a small, closed minded town, a handsome young man like him was expected to do great, but traditional things. Stay home and run the family farm, have a nice wife, have a few kids. But there’s a part of Kaidan that’s a little sad he never had the chance to come out to his own parents. He doubted they would have had any issue with it, but they’d died before he ever had the chance. Or… he thought they died.

“If I got to go to college,” John starts, “I would have gone far away. Obviously come home to Mom and Dad for holidays, but gone somewhere where I could be myself. And drink _a lot._ ”

Jane chuckles. “Please, you’re a lightweight.”

“I am not.”

“Come on, you so are. I can drink circles around you and I’m half your size.”

Kaidan leans over and kisses the side of John’s head. “Aw, you’re not a lightweight. The world just gets fuzzy really fast.”

John smiles and nods. “Yeah.”

Kaidan pauses a moment, and then speaks up. “You know, as someone who _did_ go to college for a year, I can say that Ramen gets old real fast. As does Easy Mac.”

“Well,” Jane begins, “it seems pretty damn great right about now.”

“Clearly, the zombie apocalypse has left you with such a trained palate.”

Once they finish their noodles, Jane offers to take both of their bowls and wash them. While Jane is in the bathroom, Kaidan appreciates the quiet moment he has with John. He knows his role. He knows who they all are and what they’re best at. Jane is smart and quick, and isn’t afraid to fuck someone up if need be. John is sensitive, though he never wants to show it. His choices come from the heart, and there’s such a naivety that Kaidan never wants him to lose. And him… he’s the caretaker. He patches them up, he pats them on the back, and tells them everything will be okay. Knowing their roles is what keeps them all alive. Breaking them could get them killed.

But right now, all he can think about is how he wants John’s arms around him, and he wants someone to hold him, and someone to keep him safe. Something about being here makes him feel like a scared, weak kid again, and no matter how much he fights it, the feeling is still there.

Kaidan shifts John’s arm around his shoulders, and presses himself to his chest. He breathes him in, and waits a moment for his boyfriend to embrace him back. John rests his head on top of Kaidan’s and gives a soft kiss. He swallows and shuts his eyes.

“I love you,” John whispers.

“I love you too.”

“You okay?” he asks.

Kaidan hesitates and nods. “Yeah. Just… wanting you.”

John tilts his face up, and examines his tired expression. He doesn’t know if he’s tired from all the walking, or if the anxiety and stress is weighing him down. All he knows is what will make it better.

“Here, we’ll share one of these tonight,” he said, motioning to the bed behind them. Kaidan wonders how two grown men, who both happen to be pretty big, are supposed to fit on a bed that requires Twin XL size sheets. He remembers nights sharing his bed with Rahna and how she’d elbow him and nearly roll off the bed, and knows this is just going to be worse. But with the heating broken, they’re going to need to snuggle close. Maybe it won’t be so bad.

John pulls back the covers, and brushes them off. He undoes his jeans and folds them neatly near the bed, and Kaidan does the same. John slips himself under, and waits for Kaidan to join. He rests his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder and slips an arm around him as the find a comfortable way to share a bed.

John brings his hand up to the back of Kaidan’s head, and gently toys with the curls. He knows he doesn’t have to say anything or open up. It’s not what John demands of him, and he isn’t entirely sure he knows how to handle it. He’s never made him carry his baggage before, and he’s especially never seen him cry. But maybe baby steps…

Jane walks back in and sees them snuggled together on the small bed. She gives a smile, and Kaidan knows it looks ridiculous. He can tell John is happy to see her smiling again, and her morale for this mission seems higher than the last. Maybe it is progress.

“Night, you two,” she says, slipping off her own jeans and climbing into a bed across the room.

John kisses the top of his head again, and breathes him in. “Get some rest.”

Kaidan shuts his eyes and lets John guide his breathing. In, and out. His breathing grows deeper and he settles into a slumber. He fights the urge to protect him, to stay up later than he has to just to watch over him. John’s safe. Jane is safe. They all are. Maybe a solid night’s sleep isn’t such a bad thing to want.


	10. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back! My apologies for skipping last week, but hopefully this new chapter makes up for it. I absolutely love the chapters to come, and I hope you guys enjoy as much.
> 
> As always, your thoughts and comments are much appreciated!

Jane has to imagine that this part of town was some party back before the virus hit. Bars and nightclubs line the roads, and small convenience stores and restaurants where students and young people would come get their late-night munchies. Everything from wings to Thai, to Chinese. 

She had hardly thought about college herself when the virus broke out, and she knew why. She came from a town where not everyone went to college, and her family never had much money. She wasn’t bright enough to get a full ride or enough money to really go. Nor was John. But she could have managed it if she tried. Their dad always wanted him to stay home, work the farm, take it over when they passed away. Working a farm didn’t require a college degree. And John was far from studious. 

There was part of her that couldn’t comprehend a time where she wasn't always with her brother. And she dreaded the day when that came. College had scared the ever-loving shit out of her, because she couldn’t fathom not having John there all the time. It hurt her to think about. The one thing that consistently made the end of the world okay was the fact that she knew she always had him.

“Want any wings?” he says, walking beside her.

She smirks. “I dare you to go through that place and eat a nice rotten chicken. Let’s see how well that goes.”

“Probably just bones now,” he adds. “What’s this area of the city?”

Jane examines her map again. “Allston. I think Anderson labeled it ‘Rat City’.”

John looks around, raising an eyebrow. “Before, or after the breakout?”

“Let’s go with both,” Kaidan says from behind them. He’d been trailing slightly behind, keeping to himself and his thoughts. He’d been this way since they reached the city. A wariness had taken him over that Jane hadn’t really seen in him before. But there was part of her that trusted John to fix whatever was wrong.

As they approach a townhouse further up the road, Kaidan grows quiet again. But Jane’s happy to note that it’s a different kind of quiet. He’s watching. He must have seen something or noticed when they were talking that something was off. 

John goes to speak again, but Kaidan holds up a hand to him and moves closer to the house. She’s constantly amazed at how quiet someone of Kaidan’s size can be. He’s clear over six feet tall, and broad shouldered with years of muscle built onto his frame, but he somehow manages to be the most silent of all of them. Though, it doesn’t take much standing next to John, an actual walking disaster who could trip over air.

Kaidan pulls his pistol from his waist and steps closer to the house. The door is partially open, but clearly blocked by something, but an open window might do. He looks into the house and nods to John, letting him know he’ll give him a boost into the window. Before John can step up, Jane steps in and glares at John. He’s too big and clumsy to get in anywhere without alerting an entire neighborhood. Jane steps onto Kaidan’s hands, and he hoists her up to the first-floor window, and she climbs in with ease. The splintered edges of the frame dig into her skin, and she plucks small slivers of wood out when she steps into the house and goes for her gun. 

She swallows, realizing how pristine everything is. She finds it hard to believe no one’s come through here to pick through it. It probably has food, supplies, clothes. But she’s struck by how much it still looks like a home. Picture frames hang on the walls, and the table runner is still left on the coffee table. Even empty mugs. It looks lived in and frozen in time. She goes to the front door and jimmies the lock a bit, until it pops open. Kaidan and John enter the house with her, and begin to examine, but stay silent. John goes for the kitchen first, to determine if there’s any food here.

“Downstairs is empty,” Kaidan whispers. “I’ll go check upstairs.”

Jane nods. “I’ll come with you.”

John agrees to let them go as he begins to take inventory of the kitchen. Jane moves first, up the stairs and looks into one of the bedrooms. She sees the bed unmade, and steps inside. She pushes the door back with a creak and Kaidan jumps at the sound. As she opens it, a rat scurries by.

“Wonder if that was the noise you heard,” she says.

“If it was, I’m getting rusty.”

The room is empty, and clearly belonged to a little girl. Dance pictures sit on her shelves, and the room is painted a pale pink with frilly bed sheets. Jane was never that kind of little girl, but plenty of her friends were. She was never graceful and never wanted to be a movie star or dancer like some other kids did. She liked her fair share of dolls, but cared less so about dressing them up, and more about taking care of them. Part of her had always liked the idea of being a mom, and it had crossed her mind while Thane was still alive, but now, she’d just have to chastise herself for even thinking of bringing any kid into this kind of world.

She hesitates, but leans over and makes the bed, smoothing the comforter as if to make _any_ attempts to make the world a nicer place. She fixes the remaining dolls on the bed, and shuts the door. Maybe it can be a home again someday.

She moves back into the hallway, and spots Kaidan kneeling in the master bedroom. He doesn’t speak, and he’s fixated on something. She comes in, and sees immediately. A family of three, nothing more than bones at this point. Their clothes hang off the skeletons, dried and stained. It no longer smells, which Jane is grateful for. But she can just about make out their ages and who they are. 

There are two children, not too old. One is a small girl, probably the one whose room Jane was just in, and she wears ballet shoes and poorly matched clothes, but in the charming way little kids dress. She clutches a small leather book, and a doll. Next to her, there’s another, smaller body. Nearby, a small toy truck rests on the ground. Kaidan hesitates a moment, and then moves it closer to the little boy.

The last body is clearly their mother, holding both of them so tightly, after all these years. Jane crouches next to Kaidan, and doesn’t say anything at first. After a moment, she reaches over and rests her hand on his thigh. He swallows hard.

“How you doing?” she asks.

He sighs. “Well… it’s not the worst I’ve felt since the virus hit.”

She nods. “I know.”

Kaidan reaches out slowly, and pulls the journal from the little girl’s hands. Meanwhile, Jane takes the doll, and sticks it in her backpack. She’ll take care of it now.

“What’s that?” she asks.

Kaidan thumbs through the pages. “Reading material.” 

 

***

 

_August 29th_

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Something weird happened today. We don't know yet and I keep asking Mommy and Daddy but they won’t tell me or Joey anything. We keep hearing noises outside, and it’s been real scary. Mommy and Daddy only watch the news in their room because I think there are things happening they don't want us to see. I’m not allowed to go see my friends anymore, and Mommy says only Daddy can leave the house so he can get us food from now on. Joey’s been crying a lot. I don't blame him. I want to go to school and dance class and see my friends, but something scary is happening outside. I hope it will be over soon._

 

_Goodnight,_

_Annie_

 

_September 2nd_

 

_Dear Diary,_

_Sorry it’s been a while. I don’t know what’s going on, and even Mommy and Daddy seem scared. I saw on the news today that we weren’t allowed to leave our houses anymore. Yesterday, Daddy bought a lot and brought it all back home, because he said it had to last a while. There’s lots of sirens outside and loud banging. It sounds like gunshots in the movies, but there’s no way it could be happening for real. It’s safe here. Mommy says its safe here, but I don’t know if I believe her much anymore._

 

_Annie_

 

_September 10th_

 

_We ran out of the food Daddy got for us, and I can tell Joey is hungry. Daddy went out this morning to go find more, but he isn’t back yet and its starting to get dark. I’m getting scared that maybe he isn’t coming back. The store couldn’t be that far away. I hope he comes home. I miss him, and I didn’t even really get to say goodbye._

 

_September 13th_

 

_I watched the news when Mommy was taking care of Joey today. There’s some kind of disease out there, a bad one, not like a stomach bug or the flu. Something that’s making people die, and fast. The news lady said that thousands of people have already died from it, just in Boston alone. I want to go to the hospital just to have them look at me, but Mommy says it’s too dangerous to go outside. Daddy still isn’t home. I don’t think he’s coming back, but she keeps saying he might have had to go really far, and without a car, it could take a while. The news also said that there was a blockade around the city, and walls would go up soon to keep the disease from spreading. I like my home, but I don’t want to stay here if it’s dangerous. I want to go somewhere where we won’t get sick. I hope a miracle happens._

 

_September 20th_

 

_Dear Diary,_

 

_Mommy’s telling me what to write, because she says she wants people to know what’s happening here. After the diseases hit the city, they blocked it off, and quarantined anyone coming down with symptoms, and went door to door to look for anybody who was sick. Sometimes they were gentle and kind, but lots of people died when they didn’t have to because everyone was scared. Sometimes people got shot for just leaving their houses. People started stealing from stores, and hurting others because they wanted to get food and water. People died so fast that they didn’t have a place to put them. Daddy definitely isn’t coming home. She says she’s worried Joey could be getting sick. He has a fever, and she knows if anyone comes to our house, they’re going to hurt us. Mommy gave me something to drink just now, and it tasted bad, but she did it too. So did Joey. She said it was going to keep us safe from people trying to hurt us. But she told me to keep my journal in my hands that way someone else can read it. I hope when someone comes to rescue us, they can read this and know how bad things were here._

 

_Goodnight,_

_Annie_

 

***

 

John enters and stands in the doorway. He watches a few moments, but Kaidan doesn’t look up. He wishes he knew how to be strong in these moments, but he senses years of facades wearing on him so strong right now. He feels like maybe he’s done this to himself, trying to be the brave one for so long. He spends so long reminding the rest of them not to feel such strong guilt, or to hang onto hope that he doesn’t know if he’s left anything for himself.

He waits for the phone to turn on completely, and the screen flashes to tell him there’s no service. While it loads, he finishes the glass of whiskey sitting between his legs. He’s stopped caring how many it’s been. It’s cleaner to drink than water right now, and he was all too happy when John waved the bottle of Jack Daniels when they came back downstairs. He looks at the image on the screen, and it sends a pain cutting through him. He shuts his eyes and opens his call list. He looks at the dates, and how every single one is ten years ago, the last being from his mom. He hesitates a moment before opening his voicemails.

“Watch out,” John says, “your roaming charges might be ridiculous out here.”

Kaidan doesn’t smile, and instead bites down on his lip. He opens his last voicemail, and plays it, holding it up to his ear. He has the words memorized by now, and in some ways they offer him comfort. He knows he’s never going to hear his mom speak any other way, but now, something just hurts.

“Kaidan, sweetie?” she begins, voice heavy with tears. “Sweet heart, we know it’s so hard for you to hear this, and for you not to come home, but we know it’s for the best. Things in the city aren’t good, and the last thing your dad and I want is something happening to you. We miss you, and we hope you’re staying safe. By now you know what’s happening, and I don’t know how many more chances I’ll have to call you and say this, but I just wanted you to know that we love you. Your dad and I both. We’re so lucky to have such a kind, smart, and loving young man as our son, and you’ve given us so much happiness. No matter what happens, be good. Be good, and kind, and never, ever lose that part of you. Be safe, sweet heart. We love you.”

John hovers over him, and crosses his arms. Kaidan wipes his eyes with the back of his sleeve and swallows the rest of his tears. He wants to shed so many more, and he wants John to be the one to make it all better. But he also doesn’t know how to ask that of him. He knows it wouldn't be hard, but maybe it’s his pride that gets in the way of it. He’s too suited for his role of being the protector to take a break for even five minutes.

“Been with us five years now, and I never knew you had a working phone,” John mutters.

“Doesn’t work,” he says, trying his best to sound composed. “But everything is still on it.”

“It’s from before the outbreak?” John asks.

“Yeah,” he says, his eyes drifting back to the journal sitting on the coffee table.

“This about the family upstairs?”

Kaidan shrugs, and pours himself another glass. John leans against the fireplace and examines him. He doesn’t know what there is to hide. He’s been drinking heavily all night, and his eyes are red and swollen. John can see he’s not okay.

“My family lived in a city.”

John nods. “Yeah?”

“At the time, I was a student, just outside of the city. My mom called me, and told me that no matter what I did or what I heard, I wouldn’t come back into Vancouver. She made me promise that I wouldn’t come home.”

“It’s probably for the better,” John says. “She knew things were going to get bad and wanted you to be safe.”

Kaidan’s eyes water again and he looks away. “Here, they… they closed off the city. Didn’t let anyone in or out. And went door to door, looking for people who might have been sick. Some of them were shot on the spot. You weren’t even safe in your own house. Anybody still inside this city was doomed. There was _no_ chance they could have survived. They were left to starve, or wait to be killed.”

“Kaid… we really don’t have to dwell on it. We just have to stay alive.”

Kaidan stands up, wobbly and unsteady. “My parents were in a city. They were in a place just like this when the virus hit and they told me not to come home. They told me to run. And I fucking did. I _left_ them to die just like the family upstairs did. I didn’t even try to help them. And hell, I’m never going to know if they were turned, if they’re still out there, or if someone else shot them in the face. Or if they killed themselves before anything else had the chance to kill them. I am _never_ going to know what happened to them. All I’m going to know forever is the fact that I didn’t go back for them. I ran off with my fucking girlfriend, thinking maybe we stood a better chance. I chose my life over theirs, and they probably died horrible deaths because I didn’t help.”

“You can’t blame yourself. What good would it have done them or anyone if you went back and got yourself killed? It’s not what they wanted. It would have just been suicide.”

Kaidan feels his head grow heavy and his eyes flood with tears again, and he reaches for his jacket on the edge of the couch, and goes for the door. John stumbles after him, grabbing his wrist, but he pulls away with a fierce yank.

“I just… I need some fresh air,” he breathes, trying his best not to cry.

“Let me come with you, just to make sure there’s nothing nasty out there.”

_Of course there is_ , Kaidan thinks. And pauses a moment before finishing, _and maybe I deserve whatever that is._

“No,” he says. “I just want to be alone. Just… give me some space.”

He flings the door open and steps into the darkness, walking as far away from their shelter as he can. He knows John is probably watching from the door, and debating whether or not to come after him. He hopes he’s walking fast enough so that it feels futile and useless. Then he hears him say something. 

“Shit,” John gasps. “Kaidan!”

He hears Jane as well, and makes out that John is racing out the door after him. It’s not until John draws his gun that he realizes he hasn’t brought his own. His head feels fuzzy and heavy, and he can’t think straight, but knows at the very least, he’d have to go back inside and get it.

“Kaidan, watch-!”

John doesn’t get to finish before something strikes the side of his head so hard he doesn’t even have memory of hitting the ground. His entire body freezes up as he tries to process the blow. He feels his head filling with blood, and knows he can’t see straight. But another kick comes to his stomach, and he wonders if the crack he hears is one of his ribs. He gasps and lets out a cry of pain. He tries to fight back, but his attacker presses his boot to his face, the concrete leaving deep and raw scrapes on his opposite cheek. Just as he goes to stomp down and crush his skull, Kaidan hears gunshots.

He looks up in time to see the man gasp and clutch two bullet wounds in his chest, and then collapse. Moments later, John’s at his side, and Jane isn’t far behind him. John turns him over and slides a hand behind his head. He wants to apologize for running off, for letting his fear get the better of him and making a stupid decision. If John hadn’t been so stubborn, Kaidan knows he would have died.

“Shh, don’t try to talk. You’re hurt pretty bad,” he says, and his voice sounds like music.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and tastes blood in his mouth.

“It’s okay. I promise it’s okay. Jane?” he orders.

“Just a sec,” she says, and hovers over the attacker. She hears him gurgle on blood and moan in pain, and fires off a last round into his skull. Jane crouches next to them and passes John a piece of cloth to hold against the gushing cut on Kaidan’s head. Kaidan feels warmth dripping down his face as John presses the fabric to his skin, and he winces in pain. Jane takes his hand, and he gives it a tight squeeze.

“It’s alright,” John assures him. “Just stay with me, okay?”

Kaidan nods, but feels his vision fading. His head stops hurting and the world keeps getting darker than usual. Several guns cock around them, and he struggles to keep his eyes open as much as he possibly can. 

“Hands where I can see them!” a woman yells.

Jane holds her hands up, but John doesn’t move. 

“We’re just trying to help one of our people,” he says, “Just let us take him inside. We don’t mean any trouble.”

“This is our territory, and you’ve killed one of my men. Who is to say we shouldn’t shoot you all now?”

“Please,” Jane says, “your guy was sloppy and attacked one of ours first. He had what was coming for him.”

The leader of the gang raises her gun. “So maybe we just shoot your injured party member and call it even?”

John tightens his grip on Kaidan.

Jane smirks. “You lay another fucking hand on him and I’d be happy to put a bullet between your eyes.”

“With what weapon, peach?” she says.

“Wait!” another woman shouts. “Don’t touch them.”

The gang leader looks for the voice, and finds the source. Kaidan’s not sure if it’s his injury or if his head really is playing tricks on him. The other gang member steps forward, and examines them. She’s out of breath, and shocked, just as he is. His vision begins to fade again.

“Take them back to camp for now. We’ll figure out what to do with them later. Treat their wounded party member too,” the young woman says.

“What? You know them or something?”

She swallows, and her eyes lock on Kaidan before he passes out completely. “I know that one.”


	11. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is one of my favorite chapters, and has been one of my favorite flashbacks to write. I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do :)
> 
> Of course, let me know your thoughts!

_Kaidan stands in front of the mirror and looks at himself. His lip bleeds and the bruising underneath his eye is beginning to turn a grotesque purple. There is nothing he can do to hide it, and Rahna isn’t going to believe that it was something that happened out in the field. He’d come back with scrapes, with bruises and marks where the undead had tried to grab him, but this looks intentional._

_There’s a knock on the bathroom door and he shuts his eyes._

_“Just a minute.”_

_He leans over the sink and spits out the blood building up along his teeth, and rinses it away. Rahna opens the door anyway and steps inside._

_“You’re back.”_

_He nods, and tries to shield his bruised face from her. She rests her hands on his waist and places her head at the center of his back. He remembers when things were much easier, when their biggest concern was getting the classes they wanted and the papers they had due near the middle of the semester. Then, a failed test grade or overloaded weeks felt like the end of the world. It was just a reminder of how little they were prepared for when the world actually ended._

_He misses the early nights of their relationship, where they’d have to debate whose dorm room was a better option, if either of their roommates would be gone for the night. He misses holding her close in a bed that’s too small, but knowing they were safe nonetheless. He misses protecting her because he can, not because he has to._

_“Didn’t hear you come in. Get the supplies?”_

_Kaidan nods, and reaches behind him for her. She adjusts her head, and hits another bruise on his shoulder blade. He winces and she looks up. He swallows the pain and tries to hide it as best as he can. She doesn’t need to know any of it._

_“You okay?” she asks, quietly._

_He nods. “Fine.”_

_“Come to bed,” she whispers, kissing the space between his shoulders._

_He hesitates a moment, and hits the lights. He hopes that she won’t notice his injuries, but it’s hard to walk, hard to move without giving it all away. She rests on their cot, hardly big enough for the both of them and pulls the covers back so he can climb under with her. She tries to tilt his face toward her for a kiss, but he pulls away._

_“Kaidan?”_

_“I’m fine.”_

_She reaches over to the crate they use for a night stand, and flips on the light. She gasps when she sees his face, and quickly sits herself in front of him. He watches her eyes well with tears, and she strokes the side of his face. She’s seen him hurt before, but not like this._

_“What happened to you?” she says, keeping her voice low. He can still tell that her accent is coming out stronger, as it usually does when nervous. It was one of the first things that made him interested in her. Her beautiful voice, the lure of something exotic and different, only to have her put him in his place for it._

_“It’s nothing. Look, when we go out there and look for supplies, it can get messy.”_

_“So this was one of them?”_

_He nods, but she sees through it. “Yeah.”_

_“No it wasn’t. Vyrnnus?”_

_Kaidan swallows, and looks away. “Rahna, look, it’s going to be fine.”_

_“Is he hurting you?”_

_Suddenly, footsteps echo upstairs, and a cold sweat rises to his skin. He wonders if Vyrnnus has been drinking again, if he’s looking for something. He remembers the first time Vyrnnus laid a hand on him, and how he swore it was a one-time thing. He was angry, and lonely, and Kaidan hadn’t let him have what he wanted. But it continued, leaving Kaidan with the fear that keeps him up at night. Every creak or noise in the house sent his blood running cold, wondering if Vyrnnus was coming for Rahna, which meant he was coming for him._

_At first, it seemed too good to be true. Sure, Vyrnnus had never been their favorite professor, but when he offered them a safe place to stay and hide out after the outbreak, they’d have been stupid to not take it. He had food, and guns, and a basement with a cot they could sleep on. They weren’t going to bite the hand that fed them. Not back then._

_The steps move toward the stairs to the basement, and Kaidan turns off the light and pulls the covers over him and Rahna. She reaches for his hand, and holds on, but its shaking too hard. She kisses the back of his hand and holds him close._

I can’t do this anymore _, he thinks. He can’t keep taking hit after hit trying to protect her. He can’t do it just to have a roof over his head. He’d rather take his chances out there than be imprisoned here for another day. He’s tired of being in pain, of worrying every time someone touches him that they’re going to hurt him. He misses sleep, a lack of anxiety in a place that’s supposed to be home._

_The door to the basement opens and he holds onto Rahna closer. He doesn’t need to tell her what Vyrnnus did to him today. She can already tell. She holds him back and presses a kiss to the side of his neck. Heavy footsteps come down the stairs, and the light flips on. He looks up from under the covers, and sees Vyrnnus standing on the dilapidated wooden steps, half empty bottle of scotch in his hand. His eyes are red, and he looks as if he hasn’t slept either._

_“I think it’s about time you let me have a few minutes with your girl,” he grumbles._

_Rahna reaches for Kaidan and curls her fingers around his. It’s the first time Vyrnnus has said it in front of Rahna. He asked about it months ago. He asked if they could “share” or if he could have a turn, as if his girlfriend were some sort of toy they could pass back and forth. He doesn’t find it fair that Kaidan has someone to hold at night, someone alive and breathing, and he doesn’t._

_“No,” Kaidan says. Rahna’s grip on his hand tightens._

_“What’d you say to me?”_

_“No,” he repeats. “You’re not going to touch her.”_

_Vyrnnus steps closer to them, and Kaidan pushes Rahna behind his back. Each step closer makes his blood run cold, and his heart race faster. He swallows and shuts his eyes thinking of a plan._

_“You ungrateful piece of shit. I give you a roof over your head. I teach you to survive. I give you food. And you think you can get away with giving me nothing in return?”_

_He hears Rahna gasp behind him, and knows she’s crying. Rahna’s gentle, and he wonders if there’s part of her that would let Vyrnnus do whatever he wanted, just so the two of them could be safe and stay together. They’re both self-sacrificing, and they both know it._

_Vyrnnus puts down the bottle on their nightstand and hovers in front of Kaidan. The pause that comes is so thick and tense that Kaidan feels like his own breathing and heartbeat is too loud._

_“Get up,” Vyrnnus orders._

_“No.”_

_“Get,” he begins, and before he finishes, he grabs Kaidan by the collar of his shirt and hurls him to the ground, “up!”_

_Rahna calls out his name, and goes to move from the bed, but Vyrnnus catches her wrist and holds her back. Kaidan regains his senses and pulls himself to his feet. His fingers curl around the neck of Vyrnnus’ bottle and swings it. It collides and shatters against Vyrnnus’s head. A quick spray of blood dashes their bedsheets, and he wonders if it’s his own or not._

_He collapses, and grunts, but is slow to get back up._

_“Get your things,” he says to Rahna. “Get everything we need, and pack it up. We’re leaving.”_

_“No, you aren’t,” Vyrnnus sneers, pulling himself from the ground._

_“Rahna, pack,” he orders again._

_She’s shaking, but she does as he asks, and begins to pull their things into both of their backpacks. There’s stuff they’re going to need to leave behind, and he knows she’ll struggle with it. While he’s not looking, Vyrnnus approaches and throws a punch, colliding with Kaidan’s jaw. His lip splits open again and more blood gushes to his mouth. He wonders if it’s all coming from his lip, or if it’s his nose bleeding now too._

_He stands, and Vyrnnus hits him again. He begins to see stars, and wonders if he’s actually going to die this time. He wonders if he somehow survived the outbreak, only to die at the hands of a drunken psychopath months later. His vision returns and he goes to stand, when his eyes spot something silver and flashy in Vyrnnus’ hand. He takes a swing, and Kaidan doesn’t register the pain until he looks down at his shirt, filling with blood. He hits the ground again, and grips his side tightly._

_He looks down at his hands, filled with blood. He lets out a quiet moan of pain, and shuts his eyes. It courses through him and he tries to breathe, but struggles. Vyrnnus presses his foot to the center of Kaidan’s back and pushes him to the ground._

_“Please,” Rahna begs. “Just let him go.”_

_Kaidan pulls himself up enough and looks at Rahna. He has to do something. He has to end this, and keep them safe. It’s what he’s always done. This can’t be any different. He harnesses all the power he has and shoves Vyrnnus onto his back. The older man hits the ground with a groan, balancing on all fours. Kaidan makes his way to standing and hurls a strong kick at him. Vyrnnus falls to his back, and blood bubbles at his lips._

_“Kaidan, come on, we can go,” Rahna says._

_He takes in a deep breath and looks back down at Vyrnnus, struggling to fight back._

_“No.”_

_They can run. They can, and they’ll make it away from him. He knows it. But just to be sure…_

_“Kaidan, we don’t have to do anything else!”_

_He unloads another kick to the back of Vyrnnus’ head, and this time, he hears a snap. It sends a wave of nausea over him, and he leans against the wall. He looks down at the body, and sees the misshapen neck, swelling, and lifeless eyes looking back up at him. Rahna sobs behind him._

_“Is he…?”_

_“Dead,” Kaidan finishes, and nods._

_He looks back at her, and sees something he hasn’t seen before. The threat is gone. Vyrnnus is dead, and they can run. They can find a new place to call home, one that isn’t going to hurt either of them. They’re safer now. But it’s then that he realizes she’s no longer scared of Vyrnnus. She’s scared of him._

 

***

 

When Kaidan wakes up, he feels a thick bandage over his head, and an ice pack resting over his rib cage. He swallows, and still tastes copper in his mouth, but at least he’s sure he’s awake. He feels hands that aren’t John’s on his body, not unfamiliar, but wrong nonetheless. He slowly opens his eyes, and they burn with exhaustion and his chest throbs as if he’s about to cry.

“Rahna,” he croaks.

She looks up. She’s still beautiful, and she still looks mostly the same. Her dark skin bears more scars, and her hair is much shorter than it used to be. He also notices that she has a gun on her, even in the safety of their own camp. 

“How do you feel?” she asks.

“Terrible.”

There are so many words that hang on his tongue, and he doesn’t know how to say them. He remembers the last time he saw her all too well. He’d just recovered from the fight with Vyrnnus and was still getting back on his feet. She’d bluntly told him that she couldn’t be with someone who found it so easy to kill another human being, and that she’d seen a side of him she hoped she would never have to. He begged her to stay, not knowing what the road alone meant for him, or her. But she was already gone, and left alone to think of all the ways he’d turned into a monster.

“Where am I?” he asks.

“You’re back at our camp,” she says. “I had them bring you back here to be looked at, and give your companions a place to stay where we could keep a watch on them.”

“They’re safe?” 

“They are.”

“And you are?”

“Scavengers, raiders… whatever you want to call it.”

Kaidan’s eyes water. “They were going to kill us.”

Rahna nods. “Yes.”

“You… you run with a bunch of killers. Cold blooded scavengers who will kill anyone who crosses into your territory,” he adds.

Rahna is silent for a moment, and Kaidan debates if he should say anything. She’s probably already thinking it.

“And you’re okay with that?” he finishes.

She swallows. “We’re trying to survive.”

He sits up on the cot she has him on just slightly. He groans as he does, and reaches for his side. His head doesn’t quite feel right, but he’d give anything to feel less vulnerable right now.

“How many people have they killed?”

“Kaidan-,” she starts.

“I’m serious. How many people have they killed in the time you’ve been with them? How many people have _you_ killed?”

She pauses, and doesn’t answer him. He thinks of the first few nights he was alone, before Ashley found him, and gave him a place to stay, before she recruited him to the Alliance. He’d been cold, and terrified, and he’d never felt so alone. He was convinced that if he managed to survive that, he could survive anything. And there were moments where he didn’t even want to. 

“You left me… for killing a single person,” he says, his voice icy, “and now you run with people who do it so easily. And hell, for all I know, maybe you have too. You called me a monster for trying to keep you safe.”

“Things were different back then. And yes, I’ve killed people too, but I did it so I wouldn’t end up dead, Kaidan. If we don’t assert ourselves, we get played. We lose supplies, we lose ground, we lose people. You’ve made it the past nine years. You know what it’s like. You have to do terrible things just to stay alive, sometimes. And sometimes that means killing people.”

His eyes fill with tears again. He swallows. “Not for me. I haven’t killed a single person since Vyrnnus. I fought so hard to not be the person you said I would be. I’ve nearly gotten myself killed so many times because of it. I just don’t understand. Just… all this time, I regretted killing someone who absolutely deserved to be dead, because of you… and I didn’t have to.”

There’s a heavy silence, and he leans back down on the bed. It hurts his ribs, but he’s pretty sure at the very least they aren’t broken. He looks to her, and shuts his eyes. 

“You couldn’t bear to be with someone who had blood on their hands, so you’d rather risk dying yourself, or letting me die to clear your conscience. Only to end up here.”

He swallows as best as he can and continues. “I loved you a lot, you know? Everything I did? It was to keep you safe. I wish you saw it that way.”

She’s completely silent, and doesn’t even look at him. Part of him doesn’t feel bad for the guilt he’s caused her. She’d left him, still wounded and recovering, and with few survival skills of his own. He’d curled up in abandoned cars for his nights alone, hoping nothing would come for him, and sleeping with a half-loaded pistol beside him. That was until Ashley found him malnourished and dehydrated, and rescued him from near certain death. No matter what happened in his life, he was always certain of the fact that if it weren’t for Ashley, he’d be dead. 

“I loved you too, even for many years after. But I would have rather left on my terms, than watch you become something I know you aren’t.”

He opens his eyes a little. “And me turning out normal wasn’t a possibility to you?”

“Maybe I was more cynical than you gave me credit for back then.”

There’s a long pause.

“I want to see John,” he orders.

Rahna slowly stands up, and pushes the flap of the tent open. He catches a glimpse of John and Jane seated at a small fire, both tense, but in an irritated kind of way. Both of their faces ease up when they catch sight of him, and John is more than happy to be invited in. Rahna steps closer to Jane, and he notes the icy gaze she gives his ex-girlfriend as she sharpens her knife on a rock before the fire. 

John steps into the tent and kneels before the cot Kaidan’s laying on. He cups the uninjured side of his face and clutches his other hand. Kaidan shuts his eyes as they begin to water.

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan mutters.

“It’s okay. What matters is that you’re okay,” he replies, gripping Kaidan’s hand tighter. “How do you feel?”

Kaidan nods. “I’ll live. What was the damage?”

“Couple banged up ribs, a nasty gash to the side of your head, and a lot of bruising. You… uh… don’t want to see how your face looks right now.”

Kaidan can feel it. The left side of his face is stiff and aches when he tries to blink or move his mouth. He swallows, and finds that that hurts too.

“Still handsome?” he asks.

John leans over and kisses the other side of his head with a smile. “Oh yeah. You pull off rugged too well.”

He pauses a long moment, stroking the back of Kaidan’s palm with his thumb. Finally, he says, “You scared the hell out of me back there. You think we could play it safe for a little while?”

Kaidan nods. “I think that would be nice.”

John kisses him again. “Good.”

“She kills people, you know,” he says, bluntly.

“Figured as much,” John says. “They’re a ruthless bunch, but they’ve been keeping us fed and warm for now.”

“No… she left me because I killed Vyrnnus, and now she has no problem taking lives.”

John ponders the idea a moment, and looks back to him. “So, are you out for blood now?”

“No… it just… hurts. I thought I was a monster-.”

“You’re not. You never were. You’re just human, trying to make it out here. I think you always knew that, but it doesn’t take away the sting of seeing her become something she’d scolded you for.”

Kaidan nods. “Yeah.”

“For what it’s worth, you’re a good person. There aren’t many of them left. And we need someone like you around.”

Kaidan holds onto his hand back, and brings the back of John’s palm to his lips. 

“You ready to get back on your feet?” John asks.

Kaidan nods, just wanting to go home and be far away from this place. He wants to curl up in bed with John and sleep the bruises and pain away. He sits himself up as much as he can, and winces in pain. John slides an arm around his back and eases him up from the cot. Kaidan swallows the aches and wave of nausea that comes when he finally stands, and leans heavily on John as he helps him pull his jacket back over his shoulders. 

“You good?” he asks.

Kaidan nods. “Yeah, let’s go.”

John leads him out of the tent and over to the camp fire. Jane stands up and slips her knife back into her holster, and carefully wraps her arms around him. It hurts a bit at first, and his ribs ache, but being cared for feels damn good.

“Your ex-girlfriend is nice enough,” she whispers into his chest, “even though I wanted to shank her a little bit for hurting you.”

Kaidan smiles and pats her on the back. “It’s okay.”

It leaves the question still, of what should happen to them next. Rahna had been kind enough to help them and give them a place to stay, and had stopped the gang leader from killing them right then and there, but it didn’t mean they’d be able to just walk out of here like it was nothing. 

Jane steps away. Rahna and the leader of the gang approach them, and Kaidan notices that their guns are drawn. He tries to think logically, that it would be stupid and unwise to use their resources to heal him, to feed John and Jane, only to kill them now.

“So,” the leader says, “we spared you before and let you stay at our camp… what do we do with you now?”

“Are we really that big of a threat that you’d want to kill us after giving us your food and medicine?” John says. 

“From what I’ve gathered, you’re only three people. How much could three people really fuck up?” she asks.

Rahna nudges her. “No… they’re with the Alliance.”

The leader looks to her and crosses her arms. “So you’re saying they could fuck up a lot of what we’ve worked to accomplish here?”

Rahna shakes her head. “No. I’m suggesting something else.”

“An alliance,” Kaidan says.

John chuckles under his breath. Kaidan knows he’s probably saying “haha an alliance with the Alliance” in his head, and elbows him in the side.

“Yes,” Rahna agrees. “The Alliance is a powerful force, and if they’re coming this far east, it means they _can_ come this far. And it means if we want to ever go west, we could have some leverage and support. We could work out supply lines with them too.”

The leader looks at Rahna with a fierce glance and sighs. “An alliance… what brings this on?”

Rahna pauses a moment and looks up to Kaidan. “We need it. They might gain something from it too. But I also owe Kaidan my life. I don’t think the things I’ve done to him have been fair.”

Kaidan swallows. “I think that an alliance would be good. We’re here scouting the city, and looking to chart the area. But we’ll note your camp as a friendly site, and be sure to set up a supply line between our main hub and this camp.”

Rahna nods, and looks to the leader, who nods as well. “We accept.”

Jane steps forward and extends a hand to the leader, and the two shake on it.

“The other scavengers brought your truck here, and we were going to keep it, but now that we’re allies… it’s yours,” the leader says.

“Thank you,” John says. “If you don’t mind, I think we really ought to get out of here, and regroup a little.”

The group agrees, and as John goes to guide Kaidan to the car, he feels Rahna grab his hand again. This time, he doesn’t pull away. He steps away from John and assures him that he’s okay to stand on his own. It hurts, and he can tell he might have a slight limp for the next day or so, but he can keep himself up without help.

“Thanks for that,” he says. 

She swallows and nods. “Of course. I…”

“You don’t have to say anything,” he finishes. “Look, nothing’s going to take us back ten years ago and we can’t change what happened. We were different people then, and… well, I’m happy with how things turned out. I haven’t always been, but I’m okay now. Happy, even.”

She gives a weak smile, and he knows she’s genuinely pleased to hear it. “Good.”

“Are you?”

“You take it all one day at a time. That’s the best you can do.”

“Yeah.”

She squeezes his hand, and sighs. “Be careful out there. And… and keep being good because I sure as hell was wrong about you.”

“Stay safe, Rahna.”

She leans forward and presses a soft kiss to his cheek. There’s nothing romantic about it, not really, and he’s okay with that. They’re far different people than the ones who were lovestruck teenagers, clinging to one another because they wondered if maybe their love was strong enough to save them. There are so many things they’ll never get to do together, and so many unresolved hopes and dreams, and chances of their lives ever being normal. He loved her once, and part of him always will, but he just has to look back at John, waiting patiently for him, to know that he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be.

And while zombies and vicious raider gangs tear the world apart, he can at least be thankful that tonight he has someone he loves so dearly to rest his head on. He reaches for John’s hand, and steps away. Jane loads into the car with them, and John lets Kaidan rest in the back with him. He snuggles into John’s shoulder and shuts his eyes as Jane pulls away from the camp.

“In case anyone needs the reminder,” she says, “we take care of each other. All of us. No one person takes this all on their shoulders, and we have each other’s backs. We clear?”

John squeezes Kaidan tighter. “Yeah, we’re clear.”

Kaidan nods as well, and swears that sometimes, Jane understands them all better than he could ever put into words.


	12. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hoping you guys enjoy the little flashback and look at Jane and Thane's relationship, and enjoy the cute moments while they last... because its about to get intense and angsty. BUT nonetheless exciting. :)

_Jane wakes up to the sound of Thane, struggling to breathe behind her. His fingers curl around the fabric of her t-shirt and tug her closer, not out of affection, but desperation. She waits a moment to see if it’s a momentary coughing fit or something that he’s going to need help with._

_She wishes she could do more, more than discreetly ordering Kaidan and John to stop at libraries, so she can research his disease and learn all she can about it. She can help him through coughing fits, and try to keep him healthy as much as she can. She’d gone out of her way to find medicine and a nebulizer in their most recent hospital raid. When she’d returned with it, he was more than shocked, and showed his appreciation in the quiet ways Thane always does._

_When the coughing grows stronger, and she senses he’s in pain, she turns over. She rests her hands on the side of his face and strokes his cheek to wake him, gently as she can. She kisses his forehead and helps him sit up in bed. It takes a few moments before there’s a break in the coughing, and he becomes more aware of what’s going on. She sits him so his airways will be as clear as possible, and reaches beside the bed for his medicine. She loads it into the nebulizer carefully, and passes it to him, helping him find the mouthpiece. She rests a hand on his back and runs her hand up and down his bare skin as he begins to breathe in._

_She can see the exhaustion in his eyes, and in the way his shoulders sag. She sometimes thinks that running for their lives, trying to keep herself and everyone around her is tiring, but she doesn’t know the half of it. She couldn’t imagine carrying all that on her shoulders, all while her own body tries to sabotage her. Thane definitely wasn’t this sick before the outbreak, and was able to at least manage his disease. But now, it’s catching up to him and she can tell, even only knowing him a short time._

_Jane rests her head against his shoulder as he inhales the medicine. His breathing begins to even out, and his muscles relax with each breath. Her lips brush against his slightly salty skin, and shuts her eyes. She wishes that loving him could make this go away, that maybe she could heal what’s wrong with him by sheer effort and affection. But no matter how many times she tells him she loves him, or holds him close at night, his condition never improves._

_After several minutes, he puts the nebulizer down and passes it back to her side of their bed. He takes a few moments to breathe deeply while he can, and clutches her hand._

_“It’s okay,” she whispers, trying to be mindful that John and Kaidan are sleeping in the next room over._

_Thane doesn’t respond, because he knows it;s not okay. Before she can think too much about it, she holds onto him instead. She swallows hard and tries to hide her tears._

_“Thank you,” he whispers._

_“Of course.”_

_“No,” he says, bluntly, “for all of it.”_

_She shrugs. “I know.”_

_Thane tilts her head to look at him, and she can hardly believe that their time together is fading away. She thinks he’s the kind of beautiful that’s supposed to last forever. Dark skin and eyes, with curly black hair that’s always falling in his face. Despite his sickness, he manages to keep thin and wiry muscles and remain as fit as he can on a rationed diet. Her eyes move to his full lips, and he leans forward to kiss her._

_After a moment, she slowly pulls away and invites him to lie down again. She slides on top of him, and he gladly takes her in his arms. Just hours ago, they were tangled up in the sheets together, trying not to make any noise and tip off John and Kaidan, giggling as they bumped into one another while trying to strip clothes off. It feels as if everything they do is somehow punctuated by his sickness._

_“Is it too much to ask for just one… normal day together?” he says._

_She shuts her eyes and holds him closer. “I know. We’re going to get through it, though.”_

_His fingers weave in her hair. “No. You just had to go and love someone you could never save.”_

_She cups his face and presses her forehead to his. “Watch me try.”_

_He looks up at her, glossy eyed, but she can tell how in love he is. Thane’s a man of very few words, but he speaks enough in the things he does or the way he looks at her._

_“I love you,” he whispers._

_She nods, and lets a tear drip down her cheek. “I love you too, and I’m not giving up this easily. We have now. And as long as you’re still breathing, I’ll love you.”_

_“And when I’m not anymore?”_

_She kisses him again. “Still love you then too.”_

 

_***_

 

Jane rolls over in bed, and pulls the blankets around her body tighter. But when she shuts her eyes, it’s him she sees. She imagines the mornings where she’d roll over into his arms, curl up closer and take comfort in the fact that they were both safe. Sometimes, she could forget that the world outside was falling apart if she had Thane holding her close. 

Sometimes the dreams feel so real that she can’t shake them the next morning, and this was the first one in a while that left her with such a sense of longing. She swears she could almost taste his lips on hers, and feel the gentle yet rough touch of his fingers on her skin. She wishes so badly he could be here right now, to whisper for her to go back to bed and stay resting just a few more minutes with him before starting their day.

When she opens her eyes, and sees that its empty, she swears it hurts as much as the first time she had to wake up alone. She swallows her tears and sits up in bed, reaching for another sweatshirt, and slides out of bed to fasten the window shut. Now that winter is around the corner, they can’t scout the way they normally would, and it takes extra effort to keep everyone warm and from getting sick. They’ve moved from the first house they were in, to another that’s a little less well-kept, but home enough for them. Kaidan’s been able to find gas around the city enough to run the generator a few hours a day.

Down the hall, she hears someone in the bathroom, humming and running the sink. She heads in that direction, seeking some kind of interaction or distraction. Kaidan stands in front of the mirror, and squirts a dab of hair conditioner into the palm of his hand, rubbing it against the thick scruff on his cheeks. Over the years, they’ve learned to adapt. They’ve learned what expires, what doesn’t, and what can be an alternative. Things from making soap, to cooking from scratch… really from scratch. 

She hovers in the doorway as Kaidan drags the razor down the side of his face. The bruising on the side of his head is nearly gone, and he’d tended to the stitches over the course of two weeks, and seems mostly healed. Mostly emotionally okay as well. She has to imagine that John has something to do with it.

“Morning,” he says.

“Yeah,” she replies.

He looks up as he taps the razor into the sink. “You okay?”

“Just going to be one of those days, I think.”

He nods. “I get it.”

“And you?” she asks.

He pauses and takes another glide of the razor to his face. “No bloodlust. Yet.”

She smiles and puts the toilet seat down to sit and join him. It makes Kaidan smile.

“Thane, again?” he says.

She nods. “Yeah, as always.”

Kaidan’s quiet a moment and sighs. “I miss him too. When he was around, I always felt safe going to bed at night. Especially if he was on watch. No matter how sick or out of it he was, he always managed to keep us safe.”

“He was good at that.”

“But so are you.”

She knows he’s talking about the night of the attack, how she’d shot one of Rahna’s raiders point blank and didn’t even stop to think about it or question herself. She still hadn’t. What was done was done.

“Oh,” she says.

“I mean, I just wonder,” he begins, “what crosses your mind when you kill people.”

He asks so innocently, and also nonchalantly, as he shaves the next patch of skin. She smirks. “You say it like I’m some kind of cold blooded killer. And like you haven’t done it too. What went through your head when you killed Vyrnnus?”

He thinks a second. “I had to protect someone I loved.”

“That scavenger that night… he fucked with you, so I fucked him up. Same deal.”

As they finish, John steps into the doorway and rubs his eyes. 

“Am I interrupting a moment?” he says.

Kaidan looks up at John and gives a content smile. “No.”

John steps into the room and slides an arm around Kaidan’s back, kissing the side of his head. Kaidan whispers good morning to him, and John kisses the fresh shaved part of his cheek. Jane feels a bit warmer, more at home having them all in one place. She wishes that there was someone to kiss her good morning that way, to be what Kaidan is to John, and the ache doesn’t go away. She wants Thane more than anything, but part of her wonders if another person could ever take that place. She’s asked John before, what he’d do if he lost Kaidan, and he never gives a helpful answer. He just replies with “Of course I wouldn’t love anyone else”, and drops the conversation. 

She stands up and slides her arms around both of them, nestling herself in the middle. Both of them hold on back, and she shifts into them more. She knows she doesn’t tell them how grateful she is for them as often as she should, and she knows she doesn’t tell John she loves him as frequently as she should. But at least there’s this, and it’s enough for now.

After she steps away, John breaks the silence with some unpleasant news. “It’s going to rain later today, I think, so we should get whatever scouting we can done by then. So…”

Kaidan grunts. “Ugh.”

“We should get out there soon.”

“You really know how to ruin a nice moment, John,” Jane says, hitting him in the shoulder. “What are we looking for today?”

 

****

“We’re being followed,” Jane says, bluntly.

Neither of the boys look back at her, but she can tell they’re scouting. It’s not as if she’s seen anything, but she feels it. They’ve made significant progress in moving into the city, and are approaching the outskirts of a very swanky part of town. Of course, it isn’t swanky now, and the once lavish brownstones are now grown over with vines and falling into ruin. She imagines fancy city folk shopping at high end stores and sending their kids to pretentious private schools, but now it just looks decrepit and a shadow of what it once was.

She pauses, feeling like each sound she makes is putting them in danger. She looks around, and notes that John and Kaidan have stopped walking too. There’s an eerie quiet that makes her all too uncomfortable, and desperate to get inside somewhere. Anything to not be out in the open.

Her eyes catch a garbage can on the side of the street and she steps forward to look at something carved into the side of it. It looks like a logo, but one she doesn’t recognize. With each new location, she learns the logos and sigils for the raider gangs and coalitions that roam the area, but so far, this is new. She’s never seen one like this before. It doesn’t look rough and tumble the way others do. It’s not trying to assert a grittiness, but something sleeker and more corporate. It’s an oblong hexagon, with a border on the sides of it, just at the bottom. 

“Jane,” John hisses.

She turns back. “What?”

“What is that?”

She shrugs. “I dunno. It’s something I don’t recognize.”

“Where is this place?” Kaidan says, “If someone is onto us, we’re sitting ducks here out in the open.”

Both John and Jane nod, and he pushes forward toward a large structure. Jane looks up and examines it. It’s a hotel, massive and tall, and clearly in somewhat decent shape. She knows that at the very least there would be beds, showers, and more likely than not, some kind of food. It’s not a half bad place to stay for the night. And when she sees another suspicious logo etched into a wall nearby, she’s more than ready to get some place safe for now.

“Guys, I think we should just head inside. See what we can find. Rest up until the weather clears. If it’s promising, we can load up the car and move this direction.”

“What if it’s a trap?” Kaidan says.

“Every place we go is potentially a trap. So…”

The boys nod, and follow Jane as she heads into the parking deck entrance. It takes them underground, but offers a way into the building, she hopes without breaking glass or alerting any hostiles in the area. As she looks around, she sees car after car left abandoned and vandalized. She knows if Joker and Steve were here, they absolutely could work their magic on it and have a whole army of cars to drive back to the Alliance.

They head for the stairs, and Jane can’t help but feel like their every move is being watched. She turns around and examines the parking lot. She swears she sees a shadow move and locks her gaze on the area, but doesn’t spot anything else. Her heart races, and she has to wonder if it’s just her paranoia getting the better of her. She was thrown off from the get go this morning, after dreaming about Thane. It wouldn’t be the first time thinking about him drastically altered her day.

She ushers them quicker to the stairs, and into the building. She doesn’t expect it, but it opens into a large mall area. High end shops line the open area, and she can tell it was once a swanky shopping area. However, it’s not just clothing stores and shops now, but it looks like at one point, it had been a war zone. It seems as if soldiers had holed up in here too, but a long enough time ago that their bodies are nothing more than withered skeletons. Heavy weapons lay scattered nearby and she knows she’ll at the very least be walking out of here with an assault rifle. She’s thankful, as well, that all the grenades scattered around still have the pins in them.

She’s seen zombie movies before, and she remembers ones where people sought out massive stores and malls for refuge. These sad people must have thought the same. She notes that a few of the bodies have bullet holes in the head, and she assumes it means suicide or someone had been bitten.

It’s quiet, and for a moment, it feels safe.

An hour later, the three of them regroup at the atrium of the mall. Jane took herself to several stores, and found herself actually sighing in relief at finding a Victoria’s Secret. She quickly changed out her sports bra and underwear, and made her way to find clean jeans and warmer sweaters. John and Kaidan have swapped out their old clothes for something new, something a little more high end. Both of them wear completely fresh jeans and new shirts and jackets, and Kaidan’s layered on a thick quarter zip, that kind of makes him look like a dad ready to subject his kids to a weekend in the woods. She notices also that John smells like an entire perfume store exploded on him, and she rolls her eyes.

“I tried to talk him out of it,” Kaidan says.

“Come on, you gotta smell good to fight the zombies.”

“Your interpretation of ‘good’ is a little befuddling, though,” Jane says. 

“It’s the closest I’ll ever get to actually owning Armani cologne, so…”

Kaidan shrugs. “Let him live a little.”

“Uh huh…”

“Alright,” John says, “to the hotel?”

Jane hears something banging on the door they entered through, and her heart stops. There’s no way. They’d searched the area, and they didn’t see any signs of zombies. There’s no way there could be any trying to break in. And they’d been quiet. Jane suddenly feels like even her breathing is too loud, and then something somehow worse happens. She hears cracking, and looks up.

The elegant glass ceiling begins to crack, and bit by bit, bodies black out the light coming through the windows. She loses count of how many join, and then, the power goes out. The lights on the storefronts and ceilings turn off, leaving them in almost complete darkness, save the small sliver of light coming from the other end of the mall.

“Fuck,” John mutters under his breath.

Kaidan’s expression goes blank, and she realizes she’ll never know what to make of the moments when he’s truly terrified. He opens his mouth to speak, and she hopes its some kind of plan. But it’s not.

“No one fucking move.”


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... uh... sorry? That's really all I can say about this one.

Jane looks at the ceiling, and then back down at the floor. She notes the party of zombies approaching them from the parking garage, and can’t count those either. There’s more than they can take on by themselves. She swallows, and slowly steps forward. She doesn’t look back, but she knows Kaidan’s having some kind of aneurysm because she won’t listen, but she might have the only idea that can save them.

She slowly moves forward and grips one of the assault rifles in front of them, and she tosses one at Kaidan and John. She’s not sure exactly how to fire one, but she learned to work other guns just fine. She checks to make sure its loaded and stands her ground. And then, she clutches the belt of hand grenades.

“Jane,” Kaidan hisses. “Get back here.”

She slowly steps back, and ducks behind one of the planters near John and Kaidan. “There’s a light up ahead. If we keep to the shadows and don’t make any noise, we might be able to get out of here. Map says there’s a bridge. If we can get across it, we can outrun them. Bonus points if they don’t detect us in the first place.”

“Okay,” John says. “I’m with you.”

Kaidan swallows, and nods. Jane takes in a deep breath and takes the first steps. She stays crouching, and looks in front of her for each step she takes. More cracks come from the glass ceiling, and she tries to make as much progress as she can before it gives way and they have no chance of a quiet exit. She swallows hard and keeps moving, and hardly hears John and Kaidan behind her. There’s little cover, and the best they can do is try to use the darker spots of the mall as help.

She takes another step, and hears the first of the ceiling give out. A large piece of glass hits the ground with a deafening blast, and sends shards scattering all over the area. She turns her head just slightly, and sees a few fleshy arms reaching in. Then, the crack from the main hole extends in a radial pattern. 

“Go!” John shouts, as the rest of the windows give in, and more and more zombies begin to fall from the ceiling. She stands there frozen for a moment, and watches as several impale themselves on the broken glass as they fall, but the ones near the back of the building notice their movement.

They begin to run, and do their best to swerve, weaving in and out, and hoping to God nothing can catch up to them. Kaidan fires off his assault rifle behind him and takes down a few zombies chasing them, but it feels like for every one that dies, another appears, and dooms them just a little more.

Her brain is working as fast as her legs are, and she remembers the belt of grenades around her shoulder. She looks ahead, and sees the light coming from the glass bridge connecting the two structures, and knows there’s only one way to buy them enough time to get the hell out of here, and just hope the other side isn’t as infested.

“Hey,” she says, out of breath. “You two keep moving. I have an idea.”

John looks to her, and gasps. “You’re not going to…”

“No choice.”

He sighs and nods, holding out his hand to accept a grenade. Kaidan takes one too, and they quickly line them up, five grenades, all in a row at what seems to be the structurally weakest point in the bridge. Jane looks to the both of them as the zombies begin to approach, and nods. She yanks the pins from her two, and Kaidan yanks the pin from his, and they bolt. John, however, struggles to pull the last one in his hand, and looks up in horror as the hoard approaches. Kaidan secures his grip on John’s arm and pulls him back, ditching the last grenade.

The three of them are still running when the blast goes off, and the glass on the other side shatters, and the cement flooring crumbles beneath the hoard. Most of them succumb in the explosion, but a few cling onto the still burning ends of the bridge. From where she’s landed after the blast, Jane mows down as many as she can, and turns to Kaidan and John.

Kaidan uncovers his head, shaking the glass from his jacket. Jane can make out scratches on his body, but nothing large. He coughs and lets out a low whimper of pain, and quickly looks to John. Jane watches fear spread across his face, and he scrambles over to him. He turns John over, and Jane isn’t sure if he’s conscious. Kaidan’s hands come to the sides of John’s face and he strokes his thumb against his cheek.

“John… come on… talk to me.”

John coughs, and Kaidan sighs in relief, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. John moans in pain and reaches out for Kaidan. Jane notes that the carpet on the bridge has started to catch fire, and is spreading quickly.

“Kaidan, we gotta get him inside. We can’t stay here.”

Kaidan nods, and pulls John to his feet, and John immediately collapses.

“Fuck,” she says, “his leg’s bleeding badly.”

Kaidan slings one of his partner’s arms around his shoulder, and helps him walk as best as he can. 

“Alright, Jane, you stay on point, and I’ll get him inside.”

She agrees, and stays turned toward the other half of the mall as Kaidan moves John into the new building, and he whimpers with each step of the way. There are a few stragglers in the other side of the building, but they’re mostly confused as to what happened and why their side of the building is on fire as well. She drops her weapon and goes to help Kaidan carry John across the way. She pushes open the door for them, and they reach the other side of the mall. She quickly locks down the doors and goes back to John and Kaidan. 

“Okay,” Kaidan says, calm and steady, “I’m going to set you down right here.”

John doesn’t respond, but allows Kaidan to place him on the ground. He gently leans him back and his eyes slide closed. Kaidan’s eyes move down John’s body, and his eyes fixate on the inside of John’s left leg. There’s a growing red stain near his knee, and Jane notices a large shard of glass lodged in his skin. She knows this is her fault. It was her idea to blow the bridge, and now he’s hurt because of it. She leans over him, and takes his hand. Before she can apologize, he clears his throat.

“We had to do it. It was the only way to buy us enough time to get out of here.”

She nods. “Okay. Kaidan, can you help him?”

“Take it out,” John says, voice full of pain.

“I can’t do that,” Kaidan says, clearly alarmed at the way his hands are filling with John’s blood. “He’ll lose a lot of blood if I do.”

“It fucking hurts,” John groans.

“I know. I know it does. When we have more time, and are some place safe, I’ll patch you up, okay? But for now, we gotta leave it in or you’ll bleed out.”

Jane looks back, as she sees the fire reach the other side of the door. She hopes it’s enough to hold, but of course not, it catches quickly on the carpet, and begins to spread along the inside of the mall.

“No time to stabilize him now. We need to move,” she says. “You got him?”

Kaidan nods, and quickly pulls John to his feet. John pulls his gun out and tries to defend them as best as he can, but she doubts he’d be able to hit anything in this state. Kaidan begins to move, taking slow steps with John’s weight dragging him down. Jane moves in front of them and is more than ready to shoot whatever sad son of a bitch happens to get in their way.

“There’s a subway station at the other end of this mall. We can get there and then travel through the tunnels.”

Kaidan silently agrees, and continues to move. They aren’t moving fast enough and the fire is definitely catching up to them, and she hears hissing and clicking in the distance behind them, and knows that some of the zombies have found a way in. She sees a couple emerging from the smoke, and turns to start firing. She takes down a few, and Kaidan turns to shoot as well.

“No, you guys go!” she shouts.

“Not without you,” John grumbles.

“You can’t move fast enough to outrun them, so I’m going to buy you some time. Go! Move as fast as you can, and get down to those tunnels, and get the hell out of here. I’m going to catch up.”

Kaidan looks to her, and she narrows her eyes. They talked about this. She needs John out of here alive, and she has no way in hell of carrying him the way Kaidan can. If anyone can outrun a hoard of zombies, it’s her. She prays Kaidan trusts her that much.

“John, come on. She’s right.”

John grips Kaidan’s shoulder tighter. “No.”

She steps forward and cups the side of his face. “I’m going to be right behind you guys.”

John glances up at her with the same sad, big blue eyes that got him out of shit tons of trouble as kids, and slowly nods. “Okay.”

She leans over and kisses his forehead before shoving them off, and standing her ground as more and more enemies approach. One by one, she mows them down, and lets them succumb to the burning building all around them. She can manage for a while, and notices that Kaidan and John have disappeared from sight. She’s just about ready to put her gun down when she hears gunfire from behind her, taking down the last two remaining zombies. 

A sharp chill sweeps over her, and she swallows. She knows it’s not John or Kaidan behind her, and she doesn’t want to turn around. But she does anyway, and finds herself face to face with someone bearing the same sigil she’s been seeing all over the city. The man in front of her is close to her age, but his face is shielded by a pair of thick glasses that hide his eyes, and his long black hair flows around his face. He wears thick body armor over some sort of bodysuit, and she’s never seen a raider or scavenger like this before.

She swallows. “So, you like vandalism or something?”

He smirks. “Cerberus admires your hard work, but we’ve had enough.”

“Cerberus?”

“You’ve come too far. You and your gang of scouts are in the wrong territory.”

“Heard that one before,” she says. “But what are you going to do? This entire place is coming down and you’re in my way.”

The man doesn’t move, so she fires a bullet at his chest. It bounces off his armor, and he smirks again. She mutters a curse under her breath, and he charges for her. She ducks his punch, and he stumbles into the flames. She kicks him while he’s down, and his skin sears on the burning hot metal around them. She raises her gun to the back of his head, and before she can fire, he turns over and swats it away. He clutches the gun and yanks her forward, and tosses a punch her way. She’s shocked at how strong it is when it hits, as if she’s been bashed in the face with a steel block.

Blood drips down her nose, and she can feel a cut opening up in her lip. As she goes to stand up, his boot collides with her stomach. She gasps for air and rolls over onto her side, only to find that it’s too close to the flames and begins to scald her skin. She lets out a pained gasp and moves away from the fire. The attacker moves closer to her, and she can make out his boots in the corner of her eye. She fidgets, trying to reach her own shoes, and while he lets out another sinister chuckle, she grips her knife and jams it deep through his foot. He lets out a yelp, and she turns over, getting to her feet. She pulls the pistol from her side, and fires off a few rounds, hoping one will wedge itself between his armor.

When no bullets hit, she goes in for a closer attack. She yanks the knife from his foot, and swings a strong kick his direction. It takes him by surprise and he stumbles backward. She fires her gun again, and he groans in pain as one bullet pierces his shoulder. With his guard down, she approaches and kicks him hard in the stomach, knocking him back. He chokes a few times, and seems to admit defeat. Jane stands over him, and sighs, wiping the blood from her mouth. Her attacker looks up at her, and whimpers again. She smiles.

“I told you. You were in my way.”

As she goes to fire a bullet into his skull, he twists his leg between hers, knocking her over, and quickly climbing on top of her. She shrieks, hoping something will hear her and make him leave her alone. She’s hopeful that maybe the sight of zombies in the distance will send this crazy son of a bitch running, but no such luck. His fingers weave in her hair and he yanks her to her feet, slamming her against a wall. She fights against him, and coughs as the smoke begins to take her over. 

The man finally releases her from the wall, and she wobbles a few times, until he steadies her. She has no time to think of a plan of attack before he pulls out a knife of his own and plunges it into her body. At first, she doesn’t even feel the pain, but knows it’s about to come. He holds her in place, and it slowly drains everything from her. Her whole life since the outbreak has been full of moments that there was no coming back from. Losing her parents, Thane’s death, and so many other choices and moments that didn't have an option to redo. She knew her own death would be one of those too, but somehow, this is different. He looks up as something hisses in the distance, and smiles.

“Well, _this_ is the part where I get out of your way,” he taunts, pulling the blade from her stomach and tossing her aside.

Then, the pain sets in. She reaches to clutch the wound, which burns and hurts every inch of her body. She’s shocked at how fast her fingers fill with blood, and her eyes water. She’s killed a lot of people, and seen a lot of shit, but she isn’t sure she’s ever seen this much blood before. There’s nothing she can do to stop this, and even if she does catch up to Kaidan and John, she has no chance of surviving. She curls into herself, and lets out a desperate cry of pain. 

Behind her, the hissing gets closer, and she knows she doesn’t have much time to get away. She knows that her chances of even making it a few steps without bleeding out aren’t good, but she’d rather die that way than let a single one of those fucking things take a bite out of her. She grabs the wound again and pulls herself to her feet. She wobbles and collides with a kiosk in the mall, and chokes on the plumes of smoke as she begins to walk. She doesn’t get more than a few steps before she realizes she _can’t_ walk. The pain is too bad that her legs just won’t work.

She turns onto her back, and reaches for her gun with her free hand. Her vision is blurred and keeps fading in and out, and she feels seconds away from passing out. She doesn’t want to go like this, and knows that John will never forgive her for staying back, and hell, he might never forgive Kaidan for agreeing with her. But she hopes he can take comfort in the fact that she’ll be with Thane again, at the very least. Wherever that is.

But if she’s going to go, she swears she isn’t going to go quietly.

She unloads bullet after bullet into the beasts, and watches them drop one by one. She narrows out enough of the hoard and manages to even change out her ammo once. As she exchanges the clip, she notices one monster has gotten too close. She lets out a quick scream as it barrels toward her, and grabs at her. She fires a bullet into its stomach, and it collapses. She shoves the zombie off her, and sighs in relief for a moment, before going back to shooting.

She keeps praying her wounds will claim her before one of them gets to, but then she feels something dig into her shoulder. She panics and shoves it away, but the creature goes in for another bite, this one to her throat. She screams as she feels teeth sink into her skin, as she struggles to fire her gun. She succeeds finally, blasting the head off the zombie, but it’s too late. 

Her fingers graze against the fresh bite wound in her skin, and she lets a tear drip down her cheek.

_Not like this._ Never _like this._

She swallows, and raises her gun, nearly reaching her head. She can hardly pick it up by now, and even so, she doubts that she’d be able to pull the trigger on herself. But she tries her damned hardest.

Her hand shakes, and she can’t seem to keep a solid finger on the trigger as its grown slippery with blood, and then, she hears gunshots. She imagines John or Kaidan - though, probably Kaidan at this point, coming to find her, and seeing the fresh bite mark, and doing the honors himself. She knows that one way or another, she's about to die. And it doesn’t matter who is shooting, or how many of the monsters they can take out. She’s fought her best, and she thinks that now, what she most deserves is to close her eyes, and wait for the end to come.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy, I'm sure John is going to react super well to all of this.


	14. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John is a v sad boy. So much sad.

John wakes up with a searing pain in his leg, and a throat so dry it feels like sandpaper. He doesn’t remember getting to the tunnels, or escaping the mall. It’s all a blurry mess to him, and he vaguely remembers Kaidan fumbling down an out-of-service escalator and into the dark subway tunnels, and trying to look back, but not seeing Jane follow. 

He opens his eyes just slightly and looks around. They’re in a train car, and the lights are flickering and mostly out. He glances down at himself, and sees that he’s been stripped down to his boxers, and his leg is wrapped tightly, but blood still seeps through the bandages Kaidan’s applied for him. He brushes his fingers against the bandages and whimpers in pain.

Kaidan sits on the other side of the car, resting, and bottle of whiskey in hand. His hands are caked with dried blood, and it shows on his pants and sleeves as well. His face is exhausted and emotionless, but if anything, it looks like he’s in pain. He swallows hard, and takes another swig from the bottle. He’d probably used it to help stitch up John’s wounds, and if he knows Kaidan at all, he handles seeing people he loves in pain horribly.

He skims the train car for Jane, but doesn’t see her. With John down for the count at the moment, and Kaidan probably refusing to leave him, he assumes she’s out scouting or getting them food. John shuts his eyes and leans back for a moment, and finally Kaidan’s delayed perception catches up.

“You feel okay?”

John shrugs. “Hurts like hell.”

“Did the best I could with the stitches. We’ll keep an eye on it,” he says, so quietly.

John nods. “Yeah.”

He struggles to sit up, and move his leg. Kaidan doesn’t help him, and it’s then that John notices how hurt he looks. His eyes are red and strained, and he’s clearly been messing with his hair, as it’s now falling in front of his face. He looks like he’s aged five years.

“Where’s Jane?” he asks, grunting as he shifts his leg.

Kaidan doesn’t answer, but continues to drink. John swallows, and hopes he’s upset about something else. John reaches for his jeans, which are folded nicely on the floor near him. He does his best to slide them up his legs, and bites his lip when the pain in his leg is too much to take.

“Kaidan, where is she?”

“John, she never came back.”

John doesn’t understand what he’s saying. Since they were born, it had always been the two of them. As kids, they shared a bedroom for a while, and once they were sure their parents were asleep, most nights she’d come curl up in his bed because his was right underneath the skylight and look at the stars together. When they got older, they were just as close. He remembers nearly breaking down into tears when he first asked her if she thought it was okay for boys to love other boys, and even at fourteen, she’d been able to shrug and say “if anyone says it’s not, fuck ‘em”. He knew that in some way or another, they’d always be together. He never saw a future where he wasn’t in some kind of reasonable proximity to her. 

Even when the outbreak hit, he never imagined facing a single day without her. He knew it was possible, just like any of them dying, but he never thought it could really happen. Especially not Jane. Never her. She was strong enough to face off with the fiercest enemies and always made it out alive, and was smart enough to get herself out of nearly anything. When he left her back in the mall, it was only because he trusted whole-heartedly that she’d come back. There wasn’t anything there that she couldn’t take on and win.

“No,” he said. Not full of doubt or denial. He truly refused that it was the truth. It couldn’t have been.

Kaidan swallowed again. “John… It’s been almost a full day. I don’t think she’s coming back.”

“No, no, no. That’s not possible. She was right behind us the entire time. She said she’d catch up. We couldn’t have gone that far. She’s just out scouting or something.”

Kaidan purses his lips together and shakes his head.

“No, she might have just circled around elsewhere, had to lose the enemies, and she’ll come back. She might have tried to draw them away.”

Kaidan looks up, and John sees that his eyes are watering. “I went up there, and the entire place is scorched.”

“So we go up and we look for her. She might be trapped under rubble, and needs help,” he says, full of urgency.

“I did.”

“But you’re not me!” he shouts, his voice cracking. “You aren’t me. If anyone can find her, it’s me. I know her better than anyone. I can go up there and I can figure out what happened. There’s no way she’s dead, Kaidan. There’s no way.”

John stands up, and ignores the pain in his leg. It shoots through him, but he’s determined to get as far as he can and find her. He knows she has to be up there somewhere, and alive, nonetheless. He never believed the twin telepathy bullshit, but he feels like he’d _know_ if something happened to her. And nothing feels different. No part of him that feels completely missing, just an ache and terror building inside of him.

“John, don’t!” Kaidan scolds.

John takes a step, limping to avoid making the pain worse. “No, I’m going up there and I’m going to find her.”

“John, stop!”

He takes a wrong step, and the pain tears through him, and he collapses. He feels warm blood gushing from the wound, and it masks the blow of hitting the ground. It’s then that he lets himself cry. It hurts almost as bad as his leg does, and he can’t stop the tears. Kaidan comes over to him and slides an arm around his back.

“Hey, come on,” Kaidan whispers.

“No!” he snaps, and pulls himself away. “We left her. We _left her_. And now she might be dead. We let her stay back and it could have gotten her killed. We left, and you _agreed_ with her.”

Kaidan pulls back just slightly like he’s been hit, and his eyes water too. “I know.”

“I listened to you, because I trusted that you’d never let anything ever happen to any of us. That’s what you do. You keep us safe. So what the fuck is this?”

Kaidan doesn’t respond with more anger, instead, he pulls him into a hug, and nestles John’s head in his shoulder. He smells like blood and smoke, and John knows he doesn’t mean any of the things he’s said. His pain is never permission to hurt other people. He lets out an agonizing sob into Kaidan’s chest, and he feels like a kid again, begging someone to fix it and go back to when things were easy. Growing up, it was always his sister he counted on to make the pain go away. Kaidan grips him tighter and tries to calm him, but it hardly works.

“I know,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

“This isn’t happening,” he gasps. “Tell me this didn’t happen.”

But Kaidan can’t because it did. They both agreed to let her stay behind, they both ran, and tried to find safety, and they both were dumb enough to believe she was invincible.

Kaidan holds him tighter and presses a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m so sorry.”

John reaches for his hand, and pulls it against his chest. Kaidan lets him do whatever he wants, whatever will make it better. Nothing really will, but at least he’s not alone. He holds Kaidan’s hand so tightly, as if to beg him not to go either. Losing Jane is like losing half of himself, and if Kaidan’s gone too, he knows there’s nothing left.

He sobs even harder, and doesn’t stop for some time. His entire body aches, and he’s bled through his pants again. His head feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. He’s in so much pain that he thinks it might be nice to stop existing for a while. He doubts even sleep can make any of it feel better.

Kaidan runs his fingers through John’s hair and holds him in place. Slowly, he stops sobbing, and just resorts to shaking. He feels so weak and empty that all of his movements are jittery and purposeless. He swallows, and it burns terribly. He’s not calming down because he feels better, but because he has nothing left to fight with.

“Hey, c’mon, let me patch you up again,” Kaidan whispers, slowly leaning him back onto the floor. John lets him, and even helps as Kaidan shifts his backpack under his head as a pillow. Kaidan sighs and cups John’s cheek.

“I love you,” he says.

“I love you too,” John replies, weakly.

Kaidan backs away to grab the bottle of whiskey again, and the medical pack he has in his bag, and the lack of contact sends John spinning. He frantically reaches out for Kaidan again, and pulls him back. Kaidan strokes the side of his face.

“I’m right here.”

“Don’t go,” John begs. “Please, never leave me.”

Kaidan slides his hand down to John’s and gives it a squeeze. “You know I wouldn’t. I never will.”

“Good. Don’t let them take you away from me.”

Kaidan slides something out of his backpack, and hesitates a moment, before pushing John’s sleeve up enough to inject him with a sedative. The pinch feels good at first, and the quick spread of warmth all over his body makes it even better. He feels his body going light and his eyes flutter closed.

Kaidan rests a hand on his cheek and leans forward. He presses a soft kiss to his forehead and clutches his hand gently. John just hopes that when he wakes up, things will be different somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo guess who we get to meet next???


	15. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO stoked about this chapter and I hope you guys are too! Can't wait to see what you think of Miranda, and this new plot point that's going to take us through the rest of the fic!

She’d been expecting to see Thane. When she closed her eyes and accepted her death, she thought he would be on the other side waiting for her. She thought maybe dying wouldn’t be the worst thing, if she got to see him again. And even if it was terrible, he’d be there to greet her and tell her it would be okay. Maybe part of her even wanted it.

But she didn’t find him. There was just darkness and more pain. She always believed that once you died, you didn’t have to feel pain anymore. She thought that it would all end once her time came and went. She imagines death to be light and easy, and to open her eyes to see some bright light and know that she was at peace. But this isn’t like that at all.

Her entire body throbs and it’s worst around the stab wound. She finds it hard to believe anyone could survive an injury like that. She’d definitely lost too much blood to still be alive. She feels bandages tightly wrapped around her body, and a dull burning in her neck. If she isn’t dead, she’s positive she’s become one of them. 

A few years ago, a random straggler came by the Alliance HQ, looking for shelter and food. Anderson had granted him what he was seeking, only for it to turn out he’d been bitten just a day ago. He grew erratic, violent, and Hackett had no choice but to shoot him on site. The entire dining hall didn’t move for a full minute after, just watching in horror as the blood poured out of the fresh hole in his head. Jane learned then that the transformation process was painful, and probably unlike any other kind of agony. They said it took the virus almost two days to make the full transition, but some see the symptoms start and grow violent immediately. 

She feels around for her gun, hoping maybe this time she’d have the strength to pull the trigger, or get the gun to her head. If she’s one of them, she’s got to end it fast, before any part of her can talk her out of it. But there’s no weapon to be found. She opens her eyes, which are glossy and fresh with tears. Breathing sends agonizing pain all over her body, but she doesn’t make any sound. She’s not even sure she _can._ She swallows, and finds her throat completely dry and raw from screaming. 

The ceiling above her isn’t the same as the one in the mall. That was windowed and let the light in. This just looks like concrete. She remembers the flames all around her and the sound of the glass panels collapsing. She wasn’t counting on waking up, so she didn’t think of what the place would look like when she did, after the damage was done.

She reaches for her wounded side, and takes in a deep breath before forcing herself up. Pain shoots through her, and she thinks she might be sick. She curls into herself and lets out a low whimper. There’s no way in hell she can get very far in this state. 

“I wouldn’t try to move if I were you.”

The voice isn’t familiar to her. It’s not John, or Kaidan, or even Chakwas. All three of them had yelled at her more times than she can count over the years, chiding her for trying to get up on her feet when she was still wounded. This is new. It’s calm, and _Australian?_ The pain takes her over and she lays back down, clutching her side and praying the pain will subside.

She tilts her head in the direction of the voice, and looks around. She sure as hell isn’t in the mall anymore. If anything, it looks like she’s in some kind of bunker. The walls are steel and concrete, and it almost… looks lived in? There’s nearly a full kitchen, a full bed, and based off the looks of it, a full infirmary. It seems like it could rival that of the one at the Safe House. She’s able to figure out that she’s on a small cot, close to the ground, but all she can do for now is look around, and only tilt her head a little bit.

She finds the source of the voice sitting across the bunker from her. It’s a woman, and she’s elegantly beautiful. She looks like the last place she belongs is the apocalypse, but she fits into this place all too well. She has dark black hair swept into a loose ponytail, and bright blue eyes that she can make out from across the room. Jane suddenly feels terribly inadequate. She’s sure she’s dirty, and covered in blood, and hell… she’d been bitten, so maybe her skin is falling off too. It’s possibly the only time since the virus broke out she’s been really concerned about her appearance, and it feels dumb, considering she has a gaping stab wound in her side. 

She swallows, and tries to sit up again, but fails. The woman stands up and paces across the room to her, and kneels before her. Up close, she’s even more stunning. And she looks like a real angel when she pulls out a syringe and rolls up Jane’s sleeve to shoot her up with more painkillers. 

The drugs quickly take her over, and she can finally breathe without wanting to scream again. She’s thankful for that much.

“Where am I?”

“Not far from the mall, some place that no one’s going to find.”

She pauses a moment and shuts her eyes again. “Do you have a gun?”

“I do,” she replies.

“Can I have it?”

There’s a pause. Jane’s eyes pop open and she raises her voice. “Can I have it?”

“Why?”

She struggles to sit up, and this time, succeeds. Her entire body feels sloshy, like it’s all being recalibrated after being down so long.

“Because back in that mall, one of them bit me. And like hell if I’m going to let myself turn into them.”

The woman pulls over a stool and sits across from her. “Uh huh. Where’d you get bitten?”

“My neck. Right…” Jane says, pulling back the fabric of her t-shirt, and brushing her fingers over the wound. It feels smooth, not at all like she’d expect. She can’t really see it because of its location, but something doesn’t seem right. It’s then that she realizes the woman already knows she’s been bitten.

Her next question is: what kind of suicidal maniac brings an infected person into their doomsday bunker?

“Here,” she finishes.

“How long do you think it’s been?”

Jane shakes her head. “I dunno. Few hours?”

“You’ve been here for three days.”

She furrows her brows. Three days was a long time, and it was long enough that she had no idea where John and Kaidan were, and she had to get back to them as soon as possible. “Three days? If I’ve been here for three days, I would have turned already. Does this mean… wait… am I _immune_ to them?”

The thought has never really occurred to her before. It all seems like science fiction bullshit. One special person who was immune, being used to synthesize a cure and save humanity. It wasn’t plausible. It especially wasn’t plausible for it to be her, since she was so ordinary. But then again, ten years ago she would have said the world she’s been living in was science fiction bullshit too.

“No,” the woman replies. “You aren’t. As far as we know, nobody is immune.”

“Oh…” Jane says, trying to hide her minor disappointment. “I mean, it would be cool if I was.”

The woman gives a gentle, hesitant smile. “Yeah, it would be. Take a look at this.”

She reaches for a small mirror and holds it up where Jane can see the wound in her neck. It’s healing over, and looks almost like a bad burn, and not a bite. There’s some scabbing over the parts that really broke skin, but it looks like something she could come back from. And that’s the part she understands the least.

“It’s healing.”

“Yes.”

“How?”

The woman pauses.

“How the hell did you keep me from turning?” Jane asks again. “And how did I get here?”

That part, it seems like the woman can answer. She stands up. 

“I’d been tracking you and your companions since you entered the city. I’d also been tracking the one that attacked you in the mall. I was the one who took care of the rest of the zombies and got you out of there. And I brought you here to patch you up and help you recover. Actually, when we first arrived here, your heart had stopped. But… clearly you’re doing alright now.”

“I was _dead?_ ” she asks.

“For a few moments.”

“Shit. Well, thank you, but look… you still didn’t answer my question. I need answers, and then I need to get the hell out of here and find my brother.”

The woman shakes her head. “You aren’t going anywhere.”

“You can’t _keep_ me here.”

“You’re being pretty ungrateful to the person who brought you back from the dead. And if I let you go out there, you’re not going to last an hour.”

“Why do you care if I live or die?”

“What if I told you that I had a cure for the virus?”

Jane pauses for a long while, and she isn’t even thinking at the moment. She doesn’t know how to make sense of what she’s heard. Of course, it all sounds like complete garbage to her. She’s been living this way for so long she doesn’t know what a better world would even look like. Sometimes it’s too overwhelming to think about.

“A real cure? One that works?”

The woman nods in the direction of her neck. “Worked on you, didn’t it?”

“Seems so.”

“Let me be blunt here. You work for the Alliance, and I have a cure. I think that you and I can help each other out.”

Jane looks up at her, not sure what it is, but she takes every word she says as gospel, and actually believes the crazy shit she’s spewing. She holds her hand out.

“My name’s Jane. Jane Shepard.”

The woman takes her hand with an accomplished smile. “Miranda Lawson.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? I kept my promise when I said Miranda was coming :)


	16. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday! Some smol Shep feelings, and general badassery from Kaidan! Enjoy :)

_John and Jane sit at their lunch table, and John can tell she’s onto him. He’s usually never this quiet, unless he has a test or homework to get done. But even then, he’ll talk a bit. He’s been silent the entire period._

_“So you gonna tell me what’s wrong?”_

_John shakes his head. “No.”_

_“So I gotta guess?”_

_He looks up from his lunch tray and sighs. “I don’t want to talk about it.”_

_They already have. He’s sat in her room late at night telling her how just about everyone has a date to the homecoming dance, and anyone who is anyone is asking people to go with them. Except him. Jane doesn’t have one either, but she’s been pretty clear the whole time that she doesn’t want to go in the first place. She doesn’t really want to put on a dress and eat bad food if she doesn’t have to. But it’s when all the other boys in class begin to talk about hoping to get some action with their dates at the end of the night that it begins to make his skin crawl, like he wants to slide out of himself and just be somebody different for the time being. And he knows people notice. That part scares him the most._

_She’s quiet for a moment, and the longer she waits for him, the less he can hold it in. He tries to cover up the fact that his eyes are watering, and he just wants to go home._

_“It’s just… the usual.”_

_“John, homecoming is stupid and you know that. If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to. You don’t have to have a date either. That’s totally normal.”_

_But in a small town where everyone knows everyone, it’s hard for things not to spread, or for misconceptions and rumors to start._

_“But it’s different for me. It’s not a matter of thinking that it’s dumb or not. It’s the fact that I feel like I’m not doing something I’m absolutely supposed to be doing. Everyone else is finding dates, is looking for girlfriends, or some shit like that, and I’m not. I_ can’t.”

_She sighs. “I know.”_

_“I didn’t even say anything, and I’m somehow the bad guy. Somehow that makes it okay to call me horrible names, or to look at me like I’m some kind of freak.”_

_His eyes water again, and he tries to swallow them away._

_“Who was it?”_

_“It’s everyone, Jane.”_

_“No, who was it. Who was calling you names?”_

_He doesn’t answer, but he does cross his arms, and she nods._

_“Archer, wasn’t it?”_

_“Jane, I never said-.”_

_“What’d he call you?”_

_“It doesn’t matter.”_

_“Yeah, it does. It matters to me.”_

_“Jane!”_

_She’s silent for a moment, and then pushes her chair back and stands up. “You know… you’re right. It doesn’t matter what he called you.”_

_Before he can stop her, she’s halfway across the cafeteria. She storms to Gavin Archer’s table, spots him, and in a second, yanks him off the bench and onto the ground. She’s always been tough, and that person in gym class who takes dodgeball just a little too seriously. But this is new. They’d gotten into squabbles as kids on the playground sometimes, but just kicking or throwing dirt. Nothing violent._

_“Hey, fuckwad, I hear you’re messing with my brother.”_

_“Jane!” John says, trying to stop her._

_“What the shit, Shepard? Your sister has to handle your problems for you?” Gavin begins to shout from the floor. “Maybe it’s because you’re such a f-.”_

_Jane cuts him off by kicking him straight in the balls. Even just watching it makes John want to cross his legs._

_“What’s that you’re trying to say?”_

_Gavin can’t respond, instead just grabs himself and whimpers in pain._

_“Look,” she begins, “if I ever hear you talking shit about my brother again, I can do worse. I’ll be happy to remind you how bad this feels.”_

_John swallows as the principal walks over to Jane and grabs her shoulder. The principal then looks over at him, and beckons for him._

_“Both of you, in my office. Now.”_

_Jane shakes her head. “No, sir. John had nothing to do with this. Gavin was calling him names, and_ I _chose to do something about it. You can take me down to the office, but I’ll have you know that Gavin Archer has been bullying my brother for years, and if you gotta write me up, you better write him up too. Maybe once he can stand up. Give him some time to get his center of gravity back.”_

_John tries to hide his smile. The principal sighs. “Fine. But first… I think we should talk about your suspension.”_

_“Yeah,” she says, “that sounds about right.”_

_Sometimes, John has no choice but to admit his sister is pretty awesome._

 

_***_

 

“You eat something yet?” Kaidan asks.

John almost doesn’t hear him. He hasn’t eaten, and he still isn’t sure he can keep anything down. Between the pain still aching in his leg, and the feeling of empty loss in his chest, he doubts eating will fix anything.

He shakes his head.

“Can you?”

He doesn’t respond, and instead feels his eyes water. They’ve been in this goddamn train for days now, and while his leg feels better, he’s hardly in much condition to move at their normal pace. But Kaidan seems hopeful that they can move out now. He wants to leave, wants to go see for himself what’s happened. He knows Kaidan would never lie to him, but there’s a part of him that’s still in disbelief.

Kaidan moves over and sits in front of him. They haven’t had time to bathe or clean up in a few days. Kaidan’s beard is coming in pretty thick, and his clothes are still caked with soot and blood, but looking at him and being with him has been the only thing that’s kept John going at all. Kaidan cups his face, and pulls him closer.

“Hey, look… I know what you’re dealing with is harder than anything, but I need you to take care of yourself. I need you to eat, to get rest, keep drinking water. Please. Jane kept pushing on and surviving even when she’d lost everything.”

John wants to correct him, but words hurt too much today.

_No,_ he thinks, _she still had me._

But Kaidan’s right, like always. Even in the days after Thane’s death, Jane was quiet, and grieved intensely, but she didn’t stop. She’d still follow them on missions, still ate, and she didn’t quit, even though some days he knew she wanted to. She had a choice, and so did he. It just felt so hollow without her here.

“I can try to eat something,” John says.

Kaidan gives a tired smile and nods. “Good.”

He reaches into his bag and pulls out something simple. Crackers. They’ll stay down and are a good jumping off point for someone who hasn’t eaten in days. He forgets how good it feels to have food in his stomach, and he’s grateful for Kaidan’s nudging. He usually is.

Once he’s fed, Kaidan gives him the rest of their clean water, asserting he doesn’t need any himself. John’s mouth is dry and his head is pounding, so he doesn’t object to that either.

“I don’t think she’s dead,” John says, quietly.

Kaidan shuts his eyes. “I know.”

“Do you?”

“I don’t know,” he says. “I hope not, but I don’t know what other options there are.”

“Can we keep looking?”

Kaidan’s silent for a moment, and then reaches over to grab his hand. “Yeah.”

“Okay.”

“But,” he begins, “nothing suicidal. Nothing that we know is going to get someone hurt, okay? We keep looking, we keep hoping. But we don’t get stupid.”

John nods. “Yeah.”

Kaidan weaves his fingers between John’s and stays there a moment. There’s a silence that he’s appreciative of, and appreciative that Kaidan isn’t trying to shut him down, or trying to make him give up hope. Maybe he’ll let John come to these conclusions on his own. It’s been a long time since he’s had to mourn something, and he’s still hopeful that he won’t have to. If Jane’s still out there, he’s going to find her. He knows he is.

John hardly has any time to reflect on _how_ he’ll find her, or what he’s going to do next, when they both hear a horrific croaking coming from the other end of the subway tunnel. Kaidan swallows, and reaches for his pistol. John knows he’s hardly in any condition to run, but they don’t know how many there are, and if holding their own in this position is suicide or not. He’s no good to finding Jane if he’s dead.

Kaidan quietly packs up their things and eases himself down to help John up. The pain in his leg shoots through him, but he can ignore it enough to begin to move. Kaidan clutches his arm, and slings it over his shoulder, the other around his back.

“Come on, take it easy. We’re getting out of here.”

“I can shoot,” John says, reaching for his own gun. Kaidan nods, and the two begin to head to the doors. Kaidan takes each step so carefully, trying to be as silent as he possibly can, and eases them out of the car.

John looks behind him and sees three zombies making their way in their direction. So far, they have the jump. He tries to keep his groans as quiet as he can, and uses his leg as much as he can without ripping his stitches out a second time. Kaidan’s sure he’s finally healing. Each step sends a new wave of anxiety through him, knowing that they could just take one wrong step and the small hoard would be on them. He hopes two against three helps them stand a decent chance. 

Kaidan readjusts his arms, trying to not wear himself out, but John can tell it’s a lot to carry him. To make it easier, he puts more pressure down on his leg, and though it hurts, he can at the very least get a small distance before needing some help again. Kaidan sighs, a brief thanks, and starts to go forward. John can still hear the zombies behind him, and each time one hisses, he fights the urge to look back. He keeps his eyes on Kaidan, and on the ground, making sure he doesn’t step on anything that might alert them to their presence. 

Up ahead, John sees a light, and he thinks it’s another platform, and probably a way out. They don’t know what they’ll find once they make it up the broken escalators and back outside, but it’s got to be better than spending another day in a stuffy subway tunnel. And he knows they aren’t going to find Jane down here.

Kaidan looks behind them, and his expression drops. “John… come on, we gotta go faster.”

John nods and picks up his speed a bit, and tries to muffle his cries of pain as he goes. They reach the platform ahead and Kaidan pulls John along, and helps him up onto the ledge. John’s wound brushes against the edge of the concrete and he lets out a low whimper. Kaidan comes closer and grips his hand.

“I know it hurts. Just stay quiet, okay?”

John nods and holds his arm out to pull Kaidan up, and he struggles to haul himself onto the platform. As he finds a foothold, it quickly gives way, sending chunks of concrete onto the tracks.

“Shit,” John mutters.

They hear the footsteps down the tunnel pick up and know they’ve been spotted. At this point, running is going to get them killed, and their best bet is to stay and fight. Kaidan curls his fingers around his pistol and waits as the group comes closer. The first one appears, and Kaidan fires. He misses, and it makes all the monsters move faster and more frantic. One leaps onto the platform, and gets close enough that Kaidan can hit it square in the chest. When it doesn’t go down, he fires again and again.

John, despite his blurred vision and the pain coursing through his leg, fires off a bullet at the monster in front of Kaidan. Kaidan turns for a moment, and nods, thanking him for covering his back. 

“Kaidan!” John shouts, as another leaps up onto the platform. Kaidan swings the butt of his gun as the monster approaches him. The creature goes down, and Kaidan stomps its skull into nothing but chunks and blood. The final one never makes it up to the platform, and Kaidan walks over to the edge, and fires a bullet into its head. It goes down with a gurgle, and both of them sigh.

Kaidan bends over his knees and takes in a deep breath, wiping away the blood that’s sprayed onto his face. He turns back to John and rushes to his side to help him up.

John can’t help but smile for a moment. “You know… you being a badass is just such a turn on.”

Kaidan rolls his eyes and smiles back. “Someone’s got to keep your helpless ass alive.”

John’s smile doesn’t fade right away, and Kaidan takes that in. His dark eyes study him, and pulls him into a long kiss. It’s a complete mess, with Kaidan’s scruff making it itchier and rougher than he wants, and the fact that they’re both dirty as all hell and covered in blood still. But he’s missed this, these little moments that remind him why he has to keep fighting.

“I missed your smile,” Kaidan whispers against his lips.

John swallows and nods. He doesn’t know what to say, but somehow, Kaidan’s words encourage him to _want_ to keep going. John grips at Kaidan’s shirt and holds him close. Kaidan wraps his arms around him and tilts John’s head into his shoulder.

“I love you,” Kaidan says.

John snuggles closer. “I love you so much.”

Kaidan nods. He believes him. He always does.

“You ready to get out of here? Here, I can help again.”

Kaidan slips an arm around John’s back and kisses the side of his head, as they head up the escalators.


	17. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update today!
> 
> Enjoy some angst and super important plot details!

“Okay, just a few more steps, and then you can have your ice pack,” Miranda says.

Jane groans, leaning heavily on Miranda’s arm, as she goes to finish her eighth lap around the bunker for the day. When Miranda said she needed “rehab,” she didn’t really know what that meant. Sure, her legs were mostly unharmed, and the worst damage was the stab wound in her side, but it wasn’t until she started trying to stand up that she realized what it meant. Between blood loss and being unconscious for days at a time, she found herself completely weak, and seriously needing to build up her strength again.

“This is cruel,” she says.

“I could have let you just go run out when you first woke up, and let you get bitten or ripped apart by raiders.”

Miranda has a very blunt way of saying things — Jane’s learned — and she thinks that she likes it. It reminds her of herself in a way, and she thinks that maybe they really _can_ work together. Of course, she still doesn’t know what Miranda wants from her. The first time they spoke, she’d passed out shortly after that. The pain meds had caught up to her, and she desperately needed the rest. Conversations had been somewhat spotty, and Miranda told her that serious talks should wait until she was in solid enough condition to handle it. Jane still doesn’t know what that means.

She finishes the stretch around the bunker, and Miranda helps her sit down on one of the stools in the kitchen area. She passes her a fully frozen ice pack, and Jane rests it on her side, over the bandages. The ache is still there for a few minutes, but then it turns to the burning cold feeling that somehow is better. At this point, Miranda also wants the swelling around her stitches to go down.

Jane made the mistake yesterday of looking down at her wound while Miranda changed the bandages. She’d never seen so much puss and blood before, at least… not her own. The wound was a vicious gouge, stitched together and held in place by tape, but it didn’t make her feel any better. She’d promptly thrown up and passed out. At least, she didn’t have to watch the rest of the bandages changing.

She swallows and leans against the counter, waiting for the pain to leave her body, and looks up at Miranda.

“Thanks.”

“Sure.”

She wonders if John’s wounds in his leg are healing as nicely. She wonders if he’s even still alive. Whatever had happened to him couldn’t have been bad enough to kill him. Not him, not John. Definitely not Kaidan.

“See? Soon enough I’ll be ready to go back out there and kick ass.”

Miranda gives a hesitant smile. “I suppose so.”

There’s a long silence between the two of them. Jane likes Miranda, and it’s not only because she’s stunningly gorgeous. She finds that despite Miranda’s short answers and blunt way of speaking, she’s easy to talk to. Maybe Jane is also just so desperate to speak to another girl that she’s letting it get to her.

“And then we can get to whatever it is that you want to do,” she adds.

Miranda looks up. “Yes. I… I need you to answer some things for me.”

“I can try my best.”

“Do you trust me?”

Jane laughs. “Well, I’d be dead if it weren’t for you and you have a cure for the virus. And you haven’t particularly given me any reason not to.”

Miranda swallows. “Okay. How long have you been with the Alliance?”

She shrugs. “Five years, maybe?”

“And they trust you? Like you’re in good with them?”

Jane nods. “Yes. It’s why I’m here now. The Alliance hasn’t traveled this far yet, and nobody else wanted to take the mission.”

“So you did.”

“Yeah, me, my brother, and Kaidan.”

“Tell me about them.”

Jane narrows her eyes, and she hopes this won’t hurt. She misses them terribly, and finds herself thinking about them when her body hurts too badly to go to sleep. She misses John, and not being close to him hurts her like nothing else. She misses Kaidan and how safe she always feels around him. She misses watching the two of them together, and even on her worst days, where missing Thane feels like something she’ll never recover from, she looks to them to remind her that there’s so much to live for. They remind her that she might have an opportunity to find that kind of happiness again.

“Well… uh… It was just my brother and I for some time. We were from Mindoir. This little farm town in-.”

“I know of it.”

“Really?”

Miranda nods. “Yes. Continue, please.”

“Our parents were infected, and so we had to run. For some time, we tried to hunt down other family, aunts, uncles… but one by one, they all got sick too, and then we decided we just had to look out for one another. So we did. It was tough, but mostly fine for a few years. We hid out in places around the midwest, old houses, raided warehouses and stole weapons off dead soldiers. We did whatever we had to do to survive. And then we met Kaidan. We were raiding the same warehouse, and he offered us a spot in the Alliance. John wanted to get in his pants, and I didn’t hate the idea of a roof over our heads… eventually. And we’ve been with them ever since.”

Miranda nods. “And Kaidan is the dark haired one?”

“Yeah. He goes with us everywhere. The Alliance trained him to be one of their field medics, and I mean… he doesn’t have all this, but he’s good. And good at keeping us alive. And you know, it helps John to have him around.”

“What about you? Did you always just third wheel your brother and his boyfriend?”

Jane swallows, and shakes her head. “No.”

“I see.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Fine. So you have a home base?”

“Yes,” Jane continues, but doesn’t want to give away too much, “the Safe House. It’s an old school, a couple hours away, by car. It’s where our base of operations is and where the rest of our scouts and survivors live. It’s run by two nearly retired army veterans, and we’ve got weapons, turrets, power…”

“So you’re saying that you would have a means of helping cure the virus. You have a force big enough to get this out.”

Jane swallows. “I mean, yeah… I guess so. Is that what you want to do?”

Miranda doesn’t need to say anything. Of course it’s what she wants. It’s what just about everyone wants. But it’s been ten years since the virus broke out, and countless lives have been lost. How long has she had this cure? How long has she been waiting?

“I have a cure, and the world needs a cure.”

“You know how to cure the _entire_ world?” Jane asks.

Miranda looks away, and then nods. “I do.”

“How? And look, how the hell do you even have a cure? Where has this been for the past ten years while most of the global population died?”

It takes a second, and Miranda sits down on one of the stools across from her. Jane senses the answer is going to be bad, but she doesn’t know how bad. She would understand if Miranda did dark and terrible things to find a cure. Jane’s done terrible things too. She thinks about how many people she’s murdered—some in cold blood—to get what she wants. She knows she’s ruthless, and she knows she can be unforgiving. She just wonders if she’s dealing with something so bad that even she can’t fathom it.

“You know of Cerberus?”

_Cerberus_ , she thinks. 

“Yeah, the guy who attacked me. He said their name. The logo was tagged all over the city too.”

“Yes. The disease was created about eleven years ago by Cerberus. Back then, they were an underground corporation, mostly biotech stuff. They’d covered it all up with schemes and cover businesses and practices. What they did behind closed doors was unethical, disgusting.” Jane swallows. “What were they trying to do?”

“They were trying to elongate the human lifespan. They were trying to stunt aging, revitalize the body so that humans could live better and for longer. They wanted a test subject, a human test subject. One of the investors and researchers offered up his daughter. He said he’d be willing to sacrifice one of his own children to prove that they’d created something great. But he hadn’t. This drug turned people mad. No one wanted to say ‘zombie’ because it sounded so stupid. But that’s what it was.”

Jane looks away, and doesn’t know what to make of it. She imagines for a moment if at any point in the past ten years, if John had been bitten. She thinks of him realizing he’s been bitten, in tears, begging her to kill him. Or worse, him not even knowing, and slowly descending into madness, becoming a monster. It upsets her too much to think about, so she stops.

“Instead of backing away scared, Cerberus decided this was a brilliant opportunity.”

Jane narrows her eyes. “To do _what_?”

“Cerberus was never about all humans. They were never advocating for every human to survive. They wanted _the best_. So when they saw something that would weed out the weak from the strong, they took it. They made it contagious, they chose a small town to go after first, sample it, and then move forward. All while they hid in their damn bunkers.”

Jane bites down on her bottom lip. She hesitates to ask her next question.

“Where did they test it?”

Miranda is silent.

“Miranda…”

“Jane, what does it matter?”

“Where did they test the virus?”

There’s a long moment, and Jane’s heard her say the name many times in her head by the time she finally speaks. Her eyes have already watered up.

“We tested it on Mindoir.”

She feels tears slip down her cheeks, and thinks of how different her life might have been if she and John hadn’t been away that summer. What if they’d stayed home and worked on the farm, got their knees scraped up and dirty the same place they always had? They’d both be dead, and at least their family would be together. She wouldn’t have had to have lived through this kind of pain and fear for ten years. She wouldn’t have had to see the world become this way.

What pushes her over the edge is the thoughts of her parents, of everyone they grew up with, of her brother for months after, not sleeping, or waking up in tears from nightmares, because he didn’t know how to live with himself for killing their parents. 

“How do you know all of this?” she gasps through her tears.

“Look, you should get some rest.”

“Miranda, how the fuck do you know all of this? How do you know this much about the virus?”

Miranda’s quiet for a moment. “Because I helped to create it.”

Before Miranda can say another word, Jane pushes herself away from the counter, and leaves. She doesn’t know where she plans on going, but she doesn’t want to be faced with someone who’d taken so much from her. From everyone.

“Jane!”

“No,” she says, “I just want to be alone.”

_I want to go home_ , she thinks.

She takes another step, but it hurts too much, and she leans against a piece of furniture as the sobs erupt from her body. Tears drip down her cheeks and she wants to hide it, but she can’t. She misses her family. She wants to go back to them, to feel something familiar again. Slowly, she eases herself to the ground and sits against the back of the couch. She buries her face in her arms and lets out another sob. At this point, she doesn’t even care if Miranda’s watching.

“Jane…”

Finally, she looks up. “What?”

“I’m sorry.”

“I want to be alone right now.”

Miranda doesn’t object.


	18. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late post, but here you go! Fluff, plot, cries. Enjoy :)

 

Kaidan could stay like this forever. He could stay exactly where he is, with his very warm and very naked boyfriend curled up in his arms, lips pressed against the side of his neck as his breathing begins to slow and catch up to him. Right now, it’s hard to think about the horrible things happening outside their doors. It’s how it always feels when it’s just the two of them, often tangled up in bed, euphoric and at peace. 

After making their way out of the tunnels, they sought their next means of shelter. They searched a house that seemed livable and comfortable and boarded up whatever they deemed necessary. The winter winds kept sweeping through, and Kaidan had explained to John that the age of these houses probably made it not much different before the virus hit. The only thing that made the cold better was to light a fire, and that was where they’d decided to sleep. They’d dragged a mattress and sheets over to directly in front of the fire, and curled up under the covers together.

And it’d quickly turned into something else. Kaidan was surprised that John made the first move, reaching for him, and grabbing at his clothing and quickly slipping it off with a hunger and urgency. Kaidan was hesitant, at first, not wanting John to rush into anything just to alleviate pain for a few minutes. But John was insistent. All it took was a few husky whispers as hips grinded against each other, and John pleading that he needed his touch and affection to win Kaidan over.

It has only been a few weeks since they left the Safe House, and they’ve absolutely gone longer without sex. But Kaidan couldn’t lie to himself and say he wasn’t longing for the same things. He missed the press of John’s bare skin against his, hearing the soft noises that came from the back of his throat when he kissed his neck or teased below the waistband of his boxers. It’d been desperate and clumsy, but anything just to have one another so intimately.

“Anyone ever tell you you’re incredible in bed?” John asks, breathy and naive. His fingers brush against the hair on Kaidan’s chest, and he presses a soft kiss to his collar bone. Sometimes he thinks he likes this more than sex, what comes after. He lives for gentle, vulnerable touches that make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Kaidan laughs. “Well… you’ve only ever been with me, so for all you know, I could be _terrible_.”

John smiles back, and pulls himself on top of Kaidan. He wraps his arms around his neck and presses his forehead to his. Kaidan slides his arms under the covers and rests them below John’s waist, finding the curves of his body. John lets out a low hum of appreciation as Kaidan’s hands rest below his waist and press him closer to his body.

“What’d Rahna say?”

Kaidan rolls his eyes. “I’m sure she loved my blow jobs too.”

John snorts, and buries his face in Kaidan’s neck, and Kaidan can’t help but feel so immensely in love with him. He’d always found John to be stunningly handsome, with his messy auburn hair, to his blue puppy-dog eyes, and the freckles that spanned his skin in certain lights. He fell in love with John’s dorky smiles, and boyish dimples, and the quiet strength he carried around on his shoulders. He loved the way he was with his sister, never ashamed of how much he cared, and also not ashamed to admit that he wasn’t always right. He knew that John looked at him and thought he was completely good and genuine, but Kaidan wasn’t sure how to articulate to him that he’s only remained this way with John at his side.

Kaidan swallows. “Remember the first time I kissed you?”

John smiles again and nods. “Of course.”

Their first kiss had come out of a matter of frustration. John had slipped up and confessed that he had a crush on him, and then proceeded to dance around Kaidan for days. He didn’t make eye contact, and rushed away from conversations all too quickly. Finally, one day, Kaidan grabbed him, pushed him up against a wall, and kissed him. Hard. It was possibly the only suave thing Kaidan had ever done in his life.

“I was shaking for like three days,” John says. “I remember, I went to Jane immediately after and she looked at me like I’d been bitten or something, like she had to shoot me because I wasn’t acting normal. And when I told her why I was such a mess, she laughed her ass off. I probably deserved it.”

Kaidan nods. “Yeah, I think you did. It probably wasn’t even that good of a kiss.”

“No… it’s nice when it’s like… your first one ever.”

“And look at you now,” he teases.

“And not when I’d been thinking about it for weeks. I just wanted to know what you tasted like.”

“And?”

John kisses him softly, something careful and loving. It makes him feel like he can melt through the mattress and through the floor. There’s a messiness to it, lips teasing one another, not entirely done when the next kiss comes. Kaidan reaches for John’s hair and pulls him in more. 

“I keep coming back for more, don’t I?” he mutters against Kaidan’s lips, and then shows he’s not quite done yet. 

A freezing wind sweeps through the boards on the windows, and both of them shiver. Lack of clothing isn’t helping much, but Kaidan wants to enjoy it for just a few moments longer. John slides off him, and curls under the blankets with Kaidan, wrapping his arms around his waist. Kaidan likes this too. As long as he can see his face.

“I loved you a lot then. Already,” Kaidan whispers.

John softens, and reaches for one of his hands. “Really?”

“Mhm,” Kaidan says. “There was something about you that I couldn’t shake. Now I guess I know what that is.”

“Well,” John begins, “I knew I was in love with you when I told you I’d never had sex before, and instead of thinking I was a sad loser-.”

“Aw, no, who would ever think you were a sad loser?”

John smirks, and rolls his eyes. “Shut up. But instead of making me feel bad or crushing my innocent little soul, you didn’t care, and you _helped_ me. We figured it out together.”

“It’s what we do, right?” Kaidan says, brushing John’s hair with his fingers. “We always figure it out.”

John nods. “Yeah, we do.”

Kaidan cups his face. It’s nice to see him smiling again. He knows that he’s still hurting, that maybe there’s a part of him that always will. Kaidan tries to hide the fact that he doubts Jane survived the mall attack, and he wants to let John figure this out on his own. He’s agreed that tomorrow they can go search the wreckage to try and find her, and track her down wherever she might be. But he doubts they’re going to find much of anything.

“I love you,” he says.

John gives an easy smile. “I love you too. But could we… uh… put clothes back on? It’s freezing in here.”

Kaidan laughs and kisses him again. “Sure. I’ll even stick another log on the fire.”

“What would I do without you?” he teases, reaching for his shirt. 

Kaidan pauses a moment, just watching him. “You’ll never find out.”

 

****

 

It’s later when Miranda joins Jane in front of the fire. Jane’s figured out a thing or two about this place. She knows they’re underground, and that this place wasn’t always Miranda’s. Jane doesn’t know if Miranda had stumbled upon this place, or if she killed the old owners. There’s a fireplace near the center that keeps it warm with a chimney leading up to the surface, and a generator somewhere too, hooked up to the natural gas lines. She also knows Miranda has been here for _years_. It’s longer than Jane and John have stayed in one place for, that’s for sure.

Miranda’s been good enough to her, offering her blankets and tea as she sits by the fire. She’s been keeping her fed the entire time, and her cot is comfortable. It kind of reminds her of house arrest, except the house is way nicer than the outside world. But they can’t stay here. _She_ can’t stay here. She has a family out there that needs her, and she needs them. 

And she can’t stay with the person who has been the reason for so much death and destruction. But right now, she’s too tired to even be angry.

“Comfortable?” Miranda asks.

Jane looks up, and nods. “Yeah.”

Miranda isn’t the best at talking with people, and Jane can tell. She wonders if maybe she’s never had to be in the presence of another woman before, or if she’s spent so long alone she’s forgotten how to have a solid conversation. Everything they’ve had so far has been purely analytical. They’ve talked about their alliances and the world outside, and curing the virus, but they haven’t talked personally. But she can tell right now that Miranda _wants_ to talk and Jane doesn’t have the power in her body to get up and walk away. It seems as though this is a necessary evil.

“I… I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

“You already did,” Jane replies.

“Really, though.”

Jane’s eyes water again. “For what? I don’t know how sorry covers the fact that the world fucking ended. I don’t know how many people have died, but shit sure isn’t normal. Governments collapsed, people went insane. The fucking walking dead are all over the place, and you’re _sorry_? And even the people that survived the initial outbreak… it keeps spreading, and the world keeps falling apart. Even the people who made it struggle every fucking day to survive. People can’t find food, can’t keep from getting sick, can’t find medicine, get shot or worse by other survivors. Miranda, I’ve lost so much. Some people have lost more, but I’ve lost a lot. Sorry is really easy to say after its already too late to make a difference.”

Miranda slowly stands up and heads into a closet and Jane watches as she pulls out Thane’s jacket. She was wearing it when she was wounded, and woke up without it. But so much had been going on lately, that she didn’t think about where it was until now. Miranda drapes it on the side of the couch for Jane, and she reaches for it. She curls her fingers around the worn leather and rests it over her legs like a blanket.

“It had some blood on it, but I was able to clean it off. Figured you’d want it back.”

Jane swallows, and brushes her fingers over the fabric. “Thanks.”

“Of course. Little big for you…”

Her eyes water and she nods. “Not originally mine.”

“I see.”

It’s been so long since she’s talked about Thane, and told everything to someone. John and Kaidan were there for it, and she’d spent many nights talking with the both of them after his death, but she thinks maybe if she puts all the words out there, they’ll weigh her down less. Maybe she can begin to really let go.

She sighs. “Yeah. I was with someone. For a couple years.”

“Oh.”

“He was part of the Alliance too, after he met us. He was an ex-military sniper, and really damn good at it. I swear he could hit anything. He was easy to convince to join us, and we always felt safer when he was around. He… uh… he had a wife and a son before the virus broke out, and they both died along the way. I’m still not positive what really happened, but I think they were both killed. He didn’t talk a lot about it.”

“Understandable.”

“Thane was strange, you know… He didn’t talk a lot, and was pretty stoic, but you always knew where he stood. You always knew if he agreed or didn’t. But you always trusted that he had your back, and that he cared.”

Miranda toyed with her hair. Jane finds that she’s far less angry, far less sad. There’s a sense of calm that comes with fondly remembering Thane instead of mourning him. “So, how do people end up ‘together’ out in the middle of the apocalypse?”

Jane smiles for the first time all night. “Depends. Well, John danced around Kaidan for weeks until Kaidan kissed him and showed him he felt the same way. They’ve been together ever since. Thane and I, though… I don’t know. We just kind of happened to fall together. It can be really lonely out there, and I guess when the world stops feeling so lonely, you know you’ve found someone good. That’s how he made me feel.”

Miranda pauses, and Jane knows she’s thinking about the inevitable question.

“He didn’t get bitten.”

“Raiders? Other survivors?”

Jane shakes her head, and she looks away. Her eyes fill with tears again, and she grips the jacket tighter. 

“No… he’d been sick. Always was. But when you’re running for your life and don’t have easy access to medicine, things happen faster. He had Cystic Fibrosis. His lungs would fill up with mucus, and he couldn’t breathe. It’s chronic, but with medication, people were living for about forty years. So he wouldn’t have lived forever, but he wouldn’t have died that fast. If this virus hadn’t hit, he’d still be alive. Granted, I wouldn’t have known him, but he’d still be alive, and so would his family.”

She wipes her eyes and swallows. The next part she’s never said aloud. She never had to. John and Kaidan were there, and when the news had to come back to the Alliance, one of them — she doesn’t know who — had relayed it, saving her the pain of reliving it.

“It’d gotten so bad to the point where we knew he wasn’t going to live much longer. He was so weak, and so sick. And I knew he was in pain all the time. He kept saying that he was holding us back, that taking care of him would get someone killed… He asked me to end it, quick and easy, and so I did.”

Miranda sucks in a breath, and shuts her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

Jane wipes her face, and feels the ache in her chest open right back up. She thinks of the final moments she spent with him. They’d been staying in a dingy house in the middle of nowhere, making runs and raids to hospitals, trying to find _something_ to keep him alive for longer and hoping he could make it all the way back to the Safe House. But time wasn’t on their side. She remembered curling up with him for the last time, silently. There were no words, no promises that she’d find another way. They’d run out of ways. She remembers kissing him one last time and telling him how much she loved him, and then holding his pistol to his head and pulling the trigger.

 

“Now I’ve got nothing but the pain left. So Miranda, I’m sure you’re sorry. I am. But I’ve lost so much, and I can’t take losing anymore.”

Miranda pauses for a long moment, and finally speaks up. What’s she supposed to say after that? Jane doesn’t expect her response to be perfect, because nobody’s could be. 

“I had a sister. A twin, actually.”

Jane swallows. “Yeah, John and I are twins. He’s three minutes older.”

She gives a quaint smile. “I’m sure he reminds you of that all the time.”

“Not as often as he used to, but yeah. But… _had?_ ”

Miranda nods. “Remember how I told you about Cerberus, and the scientist who offered up his own daughter? That was my father, and the patient was my sister. Both of us were raised to be perfect. Everything he could do to make us beautiful and smart, and the best at everything we tried to do… But when it came time to test the virus, he wanted to prove his dedication to The Illusive Man.”

“ _That’s_ the head of Cerberus’ name?”

“It sounds ominous, but it’s a strangely accurate title.”

“It sounds pretentious as fuck.”

Miranda laughs under her breath. “Yeah, it does. But look, I watched my sister turn into one of them. I watched them have to kill her, just for science, and I didn’t do enough to stop it. I could have saved her… somehow.”

“I’m sorry.”

There’s something sad in Miranda’s eyes, something genuine. She no longer looks icy cold and serious, but sympathetic. Her shoulders sag, and she doesn’t look perfect, not at all. It’s like the entire weight of the end of the world weighs on her shoulders. 

“You’ve still got a brother. And it’s not too late to help him. If we cure this virus, and help the world get on the mend… you could save them. It won’t bring Oriana back, but it’s _something_.”

Jane wipes her eyes again. “You care about that?”

“Of course.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Jane swallows and nods. “Then let’s get to work.”


	19. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this'll be the last chapter for a few weeks. Maybe two or three. With Andromeda out, people will be distracted, and so will I. Also NEXT FRIDAY I'll have my lovely beta hanging out with me in Boston, so clearly no update.
> 
> But it's all good... this chapter doesn't end with a cliffhanger or anything. So you should be good.

Jane’s always been attracted to girls. She’s known it since she was young, when she’d develop crushes on them the same way she would on boys. It was always the same fuzzy feeling and excited rush, but when she was young, she wrote it off as friendly infatuation, or wanting so desperately to be friends with someone. She didn’t know it meant something else until later. 

As she got older, and started acting on her feelings more, she realized that even if she did like girls, she couldn’t date them. Not in Mindoir. The same way that John couldn’t date boys. She doubted either of them would even be able to find same sex partners in their little town. It just wasn’t a thing people did.

She’d dated boys throughout middle school and high school, and fumbled her way through relationships, especially when she noticed people stopped pointing fingers at John if she kept the focus on herself. Kids and other local moms stopped gossiping about him, and his lack of interest in girls if she pushed the envelope a little bit.

When she was almost 16, she found herself an older boyfriend, and it sent the PTA into a bit of a tizzy, the thought that she’d be promiscuous enough to have sex with him. Jane was still trying to figure out why a bunch of soccer moms cared about every child’s sex life. But she didn’t mind. She thought “That Shepard girl is a harlot” sounded a little better than “That Shepard boy might be one of those homosexuals”. But after the outbreak, nobody took much time to care who you fucked. And after ten years of the world being a zombie ridden hell scape, people cared even less who was getting in your pants. 

She’d felt things for people in the Alliance in the past, like Ashley and Sam, but never acted on her feelings toward them, and by then, Thane had come along.

But she remembers all of this as Miranda pushes up the bottom of her shirt and examines the stitches in her stomach. She can at least look down at the wound now. It’s mostly healed, and she knows she’ll have a gnarly scar for the rest of her life. But now, she thinks it looks kind of cool.

“How do you know how to do all of this?” Jane asks.

Miranda cracks a wary smile. They’re still not on great terms, but it’s better. Jane reminds herself every day that she’s doing this to save John. She’s doing all of this so that he and Kaidan can have a normal life. 

“Remember what I said about my father teaching my sister and I to be pretty much perfect?”

“So he taught you how to be a surgeon?”

“Not quite. Field medic skills, enough to bring somebody back from the edge… with the right supplies and resources.”

Jane raises an eyebrow. “So you’re saying if someone got really badly hurt, like shot or something, you could bring them here and save them?”

She shrugs. “More or less. Lie down for me?”

Jane leans back on the examining table, and tries to ignore the heat she feels spreading all over her body. Miranda’s fingers are soft, and somehow still look nice, despite probably not having a manicure in ten years. She swallows and shuts her eyes. 

“I can take the stitches out now. You’re pretty much healed up by now.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Miranda says, “but you just can’t do anything wild. We’ll keep it tame and build your strength back up.”

Jane nods. “Okay, then go ahead.”

Miranda reaches onto one of the tables and grips a pair of scissors, and she wiggles it underneath the first stitch. It tugs a little and makes Jane’s eyes water, but she holds it back. Miranda snips the thread and begins to wiggle it out. It stings, and Jane wants to hold onto something. The next one burns just a little more, and she lets out a low whimper of pain. Miranda notices and eases up just a bit. The next one hurts less, and she can sense Miranda’s purposeful gentleness, but when the next one comes, and Miranda struggles to get below the thread, Jane cries out in pain.

Her hand shoots out to grab something with all her might, and instead, she finds Miranda’s hand. Her skin is so smooth, and despite being a slim and not particularly buff woman, her grip is firm, and Jane doesn’t feel like she’s breaking her hand. She swallows the tears pricking her eyes, especially when Miranda speaks again.

“This one’s tight. The wound was really bad here, so it’s going to hurt a bit more to get the stitches out. Hang onto my hand, okay?”

Jane nods and grips Miranda’s hand as she swoops the scissor under the thread again and cuts it. She hardly feels it.

“Perfect,” Miranda says. “Should be all smooth sailing from here.”

She feels Miranda pulling and snipping at the threads, and eventually, the pain becomes numb, and she hardly feels it at all. She shuts her eyes and waits for it to be over. Miranda places a few surgical strips over the wound, and another fresh bandage, just in case. She helps Jane sit up, and Jane tries to ignore the heat that comes with her touch on the small of her back.

“Thanks,” she says, groaning.

“Sure. You’re healing better than I thought.”

“Maybe you’re just a good doctor.”

Miranda smiles. “I know.”

Jane laughs. “Sure of yourself there.”

“Well, of course. Why should you play down the things you’re good at?”

“I just hope you’re good at figuring out how to cure this virus.”

Miranda nods. “Me too.”

“So, what’s next?” she asks.

Miranda paces over to her workstation and looks over her notes. Jane makes her way over as well. She leans against the desk and hovers.

“I know it works on you. You were bitten and I dosed you with the cure about a half hour after. You did start to turn, but all that’s left is that scar. It’s been over a week and a half, and you’re not showing any signs of being a zombie. As far as we know, it’s not a dormant disease. It either manifests early, or not at all.”

Jane shrugs. “Well, good.”

“So you’re safe. What I don’t know is if we can dose up a zombie and have the same impact.”

Jane crosses her arms. Even if they _could_ transform people back to being human, she’s not so sure they _should._ She thinks of the things she’s done to survive in the past, and she’s not proud of all of them. Everyone still alive isn’t proud of something in their history. She thinks that’s a safe bet. But they’re not zombies. They haven’t ripped out people’s throats, turned people into monsters, maybe even turned people they loved.

“But should we?”

Miranda looks up, confused. “What do you mean?”

“Well, think about it. If you were a monster and did terrible things, killed people, or worse. How would you live with the knowledge that you did all of that? How could you go back to your life as a soccer mom knowing you slaughtered your child or husband? I think it’s debatable if we even _should_ do that.”

Miranda sighs, and is very quiet for a moment. Jane wonders if she’s thinking that it’s a risk they can take, or worth taking. Maybe Miranda isn’t concerned with the moral repercussions of it. Jane wonders if she’s just spent long enough around Kaidan to worry about these things. She’s not sure she would have even cared years ago, not if it meant a chance at happiness and life going back to normal.

“You think it could be a dilemma?”

Jane nods. “Yeah, but then again, we don’t even know if they’re going to remember what they did as a zombie. I’m just saying, if we try it and they remember all they’ve done, then maybe we set our sights on getting the cure to people who have been bitten but haven’t turned, and the rest of this is just wiping out the rest of those things, and then starting over.”

“That could take years.”

“I know, but we’ve made it this long.”

Miranda thinks on it for a moment and nods. “Okay. Well, there’s only one way to find out…”

Jane raises an eyebrow. “And that is?”

“We’ve got to catch a zombie.”

 

***

Kaidan was right. The mall is a mess, and there’s not much left. Nothing at all. It’s a heap of half burnt beams and carpet. The glass is shattered and all the merchandise scorched. There’s not even much to look for. 

“We went this way. This was where we parted ways,” John says.

Kaidan follows behind and approaches the spot. John knew that when she suggested staying back, it wasn’t going to end well. He knew that was always what they said in movies when somebody was about to die in some heroic way. He just hoped that Jane hasn’t met the same fate. He keeps playing back the moment in his head. Maybe he could have helped her or kept her safe if he hadn’t gotten hurt. Maybe if she was the one injured, they would have been able to get away and survive since she’s small enough to carry. Maybe he should have fought harder and sucked it up.

But there was something about the way she’d looked at Kaidan during those moments, something that they understood without having to say a word. Maybe they were trying to protect him.

“Yeah,” Kaidan says.

“I don’t know what I was expecting to find. There’s just a whole lot of nothing here.”

Kaidan sighs. “I know.”

John keeps his eyes on the floor, trying to follow where she might have gone. They start tracking toward the subway tunnels, assuming she’d have tried to follow them that way, when they stumble upon a pile of zombie corpses. John nods for Kaidan to come with, and the two crouch next to them. There’s several, and they’re all in the same state of decomposition. The skin is beginning to fall off their bones, sagging to the floor with a foul odor.

“Probably Jane’s work,” John concludes.

“Yeah, I think so too.”

Kaidan’s eyes scan the sight, and he moves a little closer to the tunnels. That’s when he locks on something. Footprints. John stands and follows him forward. The footprints are small, possibly Jane’s. He doesn’t exactly remember the kinds of shoes she was wearing, but her feet aren’t that big.

“Blood,” Kaidan says, swiping the ground with his fingers. It comes up dry.

“Yeah. But is it hers?”

“Don’t know. Don’t have a way to find out. But we can follow the tracks.”

John nods, and they begin to. They follow them several feet, when they stop at a charred section of the mall, and a very, very large bloodstain on the ground. John’s breath catches in his throat. If this was where she’d gone, if she had been bleeding this much, there’s no way in hell that she survived. He kneels, and tries to think of a way that maybe she’d have made it out of here. He comes up with nothing.

“This is…”

“You don’t need to say it,” John finishes.

“John… I’m… I’m sorry. There might still be a chance that-.”

“Look,” he says, turning around, “you were nice enough to let me keep hoping she was okay, and figure it out on my own terms. I don’t need you to keep up the act.”

Kaidan doesn’t move or say anything. “I know, but I don’t want you to give up.”

“I’m still here, aren’t I?”

“She could still be out there,” he says. “I’m not sure I believe it either, but I don’t want either of us ruling it out. If this was where she was last, then there would be something here. Something isn’t adding up to me.”

John isn’t expecting Kaidan to start believing she’s alive. He’d been the one to try and convince him she was dead. He’s not expecting him to change direction now, but it seems like he is.

“What are you talking about?”

He swallows. “Look, I don’t want to think about it as much as you don’t, but when have you ever seen these things get rid of _every_ part of a body?”

John thinks a moment. “Never.”

“Right. They want brains and they want flesh. They got no use for bones. Whenever we’ve found people attacked by them in the past, there was always _something_ left behind. Half the time it was some mess of flesh and bones, but you knew it was a body. There is _nothing_ here.”

“She could have gotten turned. And gotten up and walked away.”

Kaidan shrugs. “That many zombies? Not likely. I think they would have just eaten her, honestly.”

The thought makes John feel sick, and he sits completely. His head’s gone woozy and he begins to wobble. But Kaidan is right. There isn’t anything here to find. Either Jane somehow became a zombie, or she moved elsewhere. Where she could have gone in this state, he has no idea. He finds it hard to imagine someone bleeding that badly getting _anywhere._ So maybe someone took her.

John stands again, and he examines the floor around them closer. He looks at where Jane’s footprints end, just before the pool of blood. This was _her_ last move. But the blood covered footprints continue, heading out of the mall. And the shoes are not the same.

“K, look at this.”

He bends on the ground, getting as close as he can to examine the footprint. It’s completely different, and definitely bigger than Jane’s feet. It’s still a combat boot, but not the same one. The brand is even visible.

Kaidan gets close too and nods. “Someone else was here.”

“And they left… with her.”

John notes the blood droplets continuing in the same direction as the footprints. A trail. It’s something they can follow. Even if they end up only finding a body, at least he’ll know one way or another. It’s not knowing that keeps him awake at night. Kaidan draws his gun as they follow the steps. They’re not sure what they’re going to find, or who might have had anything to do with a badly injured woman, so caution makes some sense. He keeps following the foot prints and blood stains, until it leads them out of the mall. Then, it gets harder to track. On the street, it doesn’t show up the same, and there could have been rain over the past few days to wash it away. 

But there’s still something to follow. John lets himself focus completely on following the tracks, trusting that Kaidan’s directly behind him, armed. He doesn’t notice that they’re in danger, until he hears a gun cock somewhere way too close to them.

“John,” Kaidan whispers.

He stands, and turns around. They’re surrounded by a bunch of big ass men with big ass beards, and even bigger guns. John swallows and he notices that Kaidan’s already dropped his gun and held his hands up. They can’t stop here. If they stop now, they might lose the trail and never find Jane.

“You guys look like you’re looking for something.”

“We’re looking for a member of our team, and we don’t want any harm,” Kaidan spits out.

The leader of the group laughs, and paces toward John. He’s tall and built, with a strange tattoo on the side of his neck. It’s an oval, with another inside of it. In fact, all the others have the same one. A gang, John presumes. 

“Your friend here surrendered real fast. What about you?”

“John,” Kaidan hisses. “Don’t mess around. It’s not worth it.”

He doesn’t move, but the leader reaches behind him and pulls the gun out from the back of his pants. He senses Kaidan watching him, hoping that he won’t do anything stupid to get them both killed. John knows not to, and he knows if he acts out, the worst thing they could do isn’t kill him. If they want to hurt him, they’d have to hurt Kaidan.

“Just let us go… please,” Kaidan pleads, “and we’ll stay out of your hair.”

“Your missing party member? Is it a girl?”

John nods, excitedly. “Yeah. It is. Have you seen her?”

Before he can react, he’s kicked in the leg, right where his wound is still healing and collapses. The leader must have noticed him favoring one leg. The pain shoots through him like nothing else, and he can hear Kaidan calling his name. His eyes burn with tears, and he knows the shock is going to keep him down for some time. He can hardly even fight back.

He looks up, just in time to see them pull a bag over Kaidan’s head, and then the same thing happens to him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well okay, I lied... but w/e.


	20. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a Friday, BUT WE'RE BACK IN BUSINESS!
> 
> I hope everyone who is playing Andromeda has been having as good a time as I am, but it's time to get back to some zombie killing. This is one of my favorite chapters, and I hope you guys enjoy!!

Kaidan wakes up, and immediately knows his hands are bound. He doesn’t even remember being knocked out. Just being thrown into the back of a truck, or something, and not having any clue what was going on. He slowly opens his eyes, and tastes blood in his mouth. He spits it onto the floor, or wherever, and looks around. 

He’s in a basement - or something - and he’s behind some sort of bars. It takes him a moment to figure out that this isn’t the only set of bars either. He sees… cages? There’s several, though all of them are empty. What use do these people have for cages? It’s almost like they want to _keep_ people, not kill them. Or, not kill them right away. When he doesn't see John, he knows he has to act fast and find him.

Kaidan figures out that his hands are bound with zip-ties behind his back, and he can feel the plastic cutting into his wrists. He wiggles his hands as much as he can to try and slip out, but it doesn’t work, and instead he feels the skin rub even more raw. He sits up and pulls his body through his arms, getting his hands to the front of his body. He maneuvers the zip tie latch to the center of his hands, takes a deep breath, and pulls his arms back to his body - hard. The zip-tie snaps and his wrists are only bleeding a little bit. 

He looks at the bars on the cages and tries to figure if he can slide his body out, but they’re too thin, and his best bet is to try to find a way to break the lock. He hears footsteps upstairs, and the floorboards creak. His blood runs cold as he thinks of the nights he lived in Vyrnnus’ basement, wondering if each creak meant he was coming down for something, to put them in danger. He goes to the lock on the door, and examines it as best as he can. 

Kaidan reaches for the shiv he hides safely in one of his boots, and notes that whoever’s taken them hasn’t searched him everywhere. His gun and his backpack are gone, but there’s a chance he might get himself out of here, and he has no doubts he’ll be able to find a gun. It’s just a matter of if he’ll die trying to get it. He slides the blade out, but pauses when he hears more steps. Once they fade, he begins to wiggle the shiv in the lock. It begins to bend, and he doesn’t know if it’s going to be enough to get it open, until he hears a pop. He sighs and unlatches the cage, climbing out. 

It’s now that he has a chance to really survey the basement of wherever they are. There’s at least four cages, and a single set of stairs leading to the upper level. And then he notices a door near the back of the basement. He slowly moves toward it, praying it’s some kind of weapons closet, or that he could get something to arm himself at the very least.

He pulls open the door and is immediately hit with the smell of blood and rotting flesh. It would hardly be the first time he’s smelled it, but there’s something about this that makes his stomach churn, and he swears he’s going to puke. 

Not a weapons closet, but a meat locker. And John isn’t here. 

_Stop being so naive,_ he thinks, _he could be dead somewhere else, already._

“Don’t move,” someone says behind him, and presses a cold gun to the side of his head. Kaidan doesn’t panic, just responds. He jerks an elbow back hard, knocking the gang member off balance, and is able to grab the gun and pull it from his hands. Kaidan quickly pulls the man into a headlock, and holds him in place until he feels his breathing grow heavy and his body go weak. He sets the man down, and checks his pulse. Still alive. Kaidan searches the body for anything he can find. There’s an extra clip of bullets, and keys, but he doesn’t know what to.

He leaves the meat locker, and pulls the door shut, and quickly jams a chair under it. It’ll at least buy him a few minutes. He slowly moves up the stairs, trying not to make any noise, and to find John. It’s night time now, and most of the lights are off. His vision isn’t the best, but at least he can keep to the shadows and protect himself. He peers around the corner and finds that he’s in a dingy shack, poorly furnished and full of weapons and smells like sweat and death. He looks up, and sees the shambling corpse of a zombie hanging proudly on display in the corner. The black holes where its eyes used to be seem to look directly at him, and he swallows, ignoring it. 

He crouches and ducks behind a recliner, and that’s when he hears someone snoring on the other side. He moves into the kitchen, the counter full of knives and cans of food, and spots his backpack sitting on top. He stands carefully and reaches for it. He sifts through it to see what they’ve taken from him. His map of the area is still inside, and his original gun is there too. The food and some of the medical supplies are gone, but there’s more back at the house that he can rely on.

“You’re one of those Alliance types,” someone growls outside. 

Kaidan knows they’re talking to John, and knows that he’s in danger. He opens a few more cabinets, and finds a solution. There’s a bottle of what looks like chloroform, and a dishrag. He glances back at the sleeping man, and knows he stands a chance of knocking him out for a _while_ with this. And if that’s the case, a distraction might help him get rid of the rest. He moves back over to the living room, keeping the rag away from his own nose and mouth, and in a quick movement, smothers it over the man’s mouth. He fights back, gagging and flailing, but eventually going limp.

Kaidan fights back the urge to say he’s sorry. He quickly checks the pulse and finds that there’s still one, and sighs in relief. He looks back outside, crouching below the window pane, and knows there’s three people outside, standing around someone on the ground. He hears one of them throw a harsh kick, and another person groan. He just hopes its not John, but he knows that’s unlikely.

He thinks of a strategic location he could take if and when the other men come back inside, and decides to crouch behind the island in the kitchen. He reaches for an empty beer bottle. He hurls it at the nearest wall, and hears the men outside perk up.

“What the fuck was that?”

“Check inside. If it’s the other one, put a bullet in his head. Maybe that’ll get this one talking.”

“Fuck you.”

Kaidan shuts his eyes, because now he knows it’s John out there. He’s afraid to find out how badly hurt he might be. The door flies open and the two men stumble into the house.

“I’ll go this way,” one of them says, and heads for the basement.

“Remember, Tarak said shoot him,” says the other.

The first walks past Kaidan, not noticing, giving him the perfect opportunity to take out the other. He slowly moves behind him and gags him, and before he can hit the ground with a thud, Kaidan lays him down, and waits near the stairs. He hesitates a moment, before creeping behind the other, and wrapping an arm around his throat. It takes a few seconds, and the guy nearly hurls them both down the stairs, but he passes out, and rolls down the remaining steps with a thud.

He sighs for a moment, hoping nobody else comes after him. What’s important now is getting to John and getting him out alive. Kaidan looks out the window, and sees the gang leader standing over John.

“You going to talk yet?” Tarak says.

John shakes his head. “I said: fuck. you-.”

He’s cut off by a swift kick in the ribs, and he cries out in pain. John rolls over and tries to block the hit that’s about to come. He covers his head, but the leader kicks him again in the stomach, and John curls into himself and spits blood on the ground.

“You wanna tell us where your base is? Where we can find the rest of your people and supplies?”

John doesn't answer, and Tarak raises his boot again, pressing John’s face into the dirt. Kaidan can’t spend any more time debating the best way to do this. He has to do something. He prepares his gun, and slides out the door with a deep breath. Tarak looks up, and removes his boot from John’s head. Instead he holds his gun on Kaidan. John sputters out more blood and Kaidan can tell his hands are shaking.

“I’m impressed,” Tarak says. “Got yourself out of lockup, and all the way here?”

Kaidan nods. “I’m here for him.”

John looks up, and Kaidan sees that his face is bruised, and his mouth and nose are bleeding badly. He hopes nothing’s broken. John can only look for another second, before he rests his head back down in the dirt, and clutches his stomach again.

“I think we can work this out,” Kaidan says, as confidently as he can. He hopes Tarak can’t see his hands shaking.

“What? Are you going to give me your supply cache locations? Tell me where I can find the rest of your people?”

Kaidan pauses. “I might be able to arrange an alliance.”

Tarak shakes his head. “No. The Blue Suns don’t play nice. We’re here for your stuff, and nothing else.”

“You sure that you wouldn’t want to work _with_ us? I can guarantee you we have more people and I don’t think they’d be too kind if you killed two of their men.”

Tarak pulls back on his gun, and goes to fire. Just as he does, John kicks him in the shins, and the bullet misses Kaidan. Kaidan begins to sense that this might not go as smoothly as he’d liked, and he might end up having to make a choice he prayed he’d never have to.

“You son of a-,” Tarak says, and bends down, wrapping his hands around John’s throat. Panic sets in immediately and John fights back, though feebly and Kaidan can see he doesn’t have much fight left in him. He lets out a terrified gasp, and begins to struggle more when air doesn’t come.

“Stop!”

Tarak doesn’t. 

Instead, he tightens his grip more on John’s throat. 

He sees Tarak’s dirty fingernails break skin on John’s neck.

John begins to go limp.

Kaidan’s hands shake, but he pulls the trigger, firing a warning shot in their direction. Tarak jumps back and let’s go of John, who chokes and gasps for air. His eyes begin to leak tears, and he tries to stifle his cries of pain.

“Don’t touch him again. What can I do to get both of us out of here alive?”

“Give me the location of your base. It’s only fair.”

“How?”

“One of yours — the woman — has been making our life hell for weeks, and we deserve our share for what she’s put us through.”

John chokes up more blood and shakes his head. “Kaidan, it’s not her. It’s someone else. It’s not worth it.”

Kaidan hesitates. He can’t watch Tarak keep beating John senselessly, because the next blow could kill him. But he also swore he wouldn’t kill. He’s gone ten years without ever having to do it, and he knows half the time it would have been easier. He just wonders if it’s less him doing what he had to do, and more that he’s not as smart or capable as he thinks he is.

“I’m supposed to spare you two, while you slaughtered all of my fucking men trying to get here?”

“They aren’t dead,” Kaidan says. “None of ‘em. One’s in the meat locker, another’s downstairs… at the bottom of the steps, and the other two will wake up in a few hours with a headache and sore throat. They’ll be fine.”

Tarak smiles. “So you’re one of _those._ You won’t kill because you’re some kind of self-righteous fuck. How’s that treating you?”

“I’ve made it this far.”

“I wonder what it’ll take to get you to pull that trigger.”

“You want to find out?” Kaidan says, and hopes he won’t call his bluff.

“You won’t do it.”

Kaidan swallows. Maybe Tarak is right.

Tarak laughs, and re-holsters his gun. Instead, he grabs a steel pipe from near the camp fire, and paces back over to John. Kaidan’s heart begins to race. He’s not so sure John can take much more, and he already knows he’s let it go too far. But there’s something in him that won’t pull the trigger.

Tarak rests the end of the pipe against the back of John’s neck, and he lets out a squeak of pain and terror. 

“No, no, no,” John whispers, “please don’t do this.”

“Don’t hurt him,” Kaidan begs. “Please.”

He looks at John’s beaten face and the fresh tears and blood smeared on his cheeks and tightens his grip on the gun.

Tarak raises the pipe again.

“I’m asking you. One last time,” Kaidan says through gritted teeth. “ _Don’t_ make me do this.”

“Your friend’s brains will be fertilizing the soil by the time you do.”

He brings down the pipe with astonishing force, and a gun goes off. For a moment, Kaidan isn’t even sure that it’s his. He hears the pole clank to the ground, and a heavy body drop. He looks up and sees Tarak on the ground, with a fresh hole in his head, eyes staring back at him. John looks back and forth between Kaidan and Tarak, and finally lands on Kaidan.

He can’t move, and he’s terrified to look back at John. He can see it now, him being terrified of what he’s become, seeing him as a monster, watching another person he loves leave him and it’s all his fault. He swallows the knot growing in his throat when John whimpers in pain again.

Kaidan moves over to him and gently touches the side of his face. “Hey… come on, we can get out of here. Baby, come on. I’ve got you.”

John nods, and sniffles back tears, as Kaidan helps him to his feet. He can hardly stand and each step is met with an agonizing whimper. John leans his weight on Kaidan, and holds onto him tighter. Kaidan hopes it’s a sign that nothing’s changed.


	21. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't mean to skip last week, but things got kind of crazy and hectic all around!
> 
> Enjoy :)

Jane thinks that Miranda might be the luckiest woman on the planet, to live in a place that seems to constantly have running water. It’s such a wild concept, and while she doesn’t want to abuse the privilege, she knows how good it feels to have hot water running over her skin. Her recovery made it tough to shower, so she’s been doing the bare minimum. But now, she can scrub off the dirt and grime and get all the grease out of her hair. She feels like a new person.

She looks down at the healing wound on her stomach, and it stings a little when the hot water hits it, but she sort of likes it. She knows that when she finally gets to see John again, he wont believe that she managed to survive something like that. She wonders what he and Kaidan will think about the bite mark shaped scar on her neck as well.

She watches as the water washes away the dirt on her body, and she’s not sure she’s ever been so happy to see soap in her life. Hell, there’s even a _razor_ here. Maybe this is the kind of luxury that Miranda has staying in one place for so long. She takes the soap and begins to shave her legs, and forgets what actually smooth skin feels like. She’d been self conscious about her appearance before, in Miranda’s presence, but damn if she doesn’t feel like a super model now. And she knows how sad that is, because she still lives in the middle of an apocalyptic wasteland.

She finishes showering and brushes her teeth, and can’t believe how good it all feels. She knows she has to get back to John and Kaidan, but maybe they could come here. She wants this kind of luxury all the time.

But maybe if she works with Miranda, she’ll have that chance. Maybe being clean and comfortable will be a normal thing again.

She wraps herself in a towel and dries off, slipping on a pair of Miranda’s sleep shorts and a t-shirt. The clothes don’t fit her as well as she’d like, as Miranda’s a bit bigger than she is. She’s taller and curvier, and maybe it’s a product of actually being able to feed herself on a regular basis. But to be in clean clothes, and be clean herself, it’s a good feeling.

She steps into the main bunker, where Miranda’s sitting and reading. Miranda glances up, and smiles at the relaxed expression on Jane’s face.

“You seem happy.”

“I smell like lavender,” she sighs. “Sure as hell beats smelling like whatever’s out there.”

Miranda nods back. “See? Maybe getting stabbed wasn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.”

Jane pauses, because she’s right. But instead of lamenting, she smiles back. “Yeah, you’re right. Whatcha reading?”

Miranda turns her book around, and flashes it to Jane. It’s something science-y that Jane’s tenth grade education doesn’t quite comprehend. Something about diseases and contagions. She raises her eyebrows.

“Cheery stuff,” Miranda teases.

“Sure seems like it. Does it tell us how to cure a zombie virus or how to fix the world?”

Miranda smiles and shakes her head. “No. I’ve read it before. Part of research, and trying to figure out how to go about all this. It calms me down in a way.”

“Huh, so I’m staying with a chick who reads about pandemics to feel calm. That’s… well, I hate to break it to you but I might stand a better chance out there,” she says, pointing above them. Jane takes a seat beside Miranda’s book case and begins to eye the titles.

“Uh… don’t,” Miranda says.

Jane looks up. “What?”

“You don’t really want to look at my book collection, do you?”

She raises an eyebrow. “I mean, yeah, now I do.”

She begins to skim, and most of the books _are_ more textbook like, and intelligent science books. It’s all stuff Jane doesn’t get. However, she pulls out one about the cosmos and eyes it over. She thinks of how she and John used to want to be astronauts. They’d go out in their backyard at night, when the stars were out in all their glory, and pretend that they were on some alien planet, picking up rocks and collecting them for “further research”. They’d wanted adventure so badly as kids that they took any chance to make up their own, but now, she was sure they both wanted it to stop.

“Mind if I take this one with me?” she says.

Miranda shakes her head. “Wasn’t actually mine, so go ahead.”

“Cool.”

Then, Jane spots what Miranda probably doesn’t want her to find.

“Oh… you like raunchy romance novels,” Jane teases.

“No!” Miranda objects. “I don’t _really_ like them.”

“Oh, come on, Miranda. It’s okay to admit that you like,” she begins, grabbing one off the shelf, “ _Red Hot Roughrider_?”

Miranda tries to hide her laughter but doesn’t do a great job of it. “It’s bad, I know.”

“I’d read the back, but this is pretty bad. Look, I grew up on a farm, and it really wasn’t this sexy. Not at all.”

“Look,” Miranda says, “I have been down here a _long_ time, and a lot of that time is alone. You gotta amuse yourself somehow.”

“Right,” Jane teases.

“I’m serious!”

Jane pauses a moment and sighs. “That must be really lonely.”

Miranda looks up and nods. “Yeah, it is.”

Jane’s quiet for a moment. She thinks she’s known loneliness before, but maybe she was wrong. Whenever she’s felt low, or at her worst, she’s never been truly alone. She’s always had John, and most of the time she’s had Kaidan too. And when she’s at the Safe House, she has even more. She’s never known what it was like to be _truly_ alone.

“How long have you been alone here?” she asks.

“Couple years.”

“Years, and you don’t… before me, when was the last time you spoke to another person?”

Miranda shrugs. “It might have been weeks. You meet a lot of people when you go outside. Not all of them kind, but you speak to them. That one gang group you allied with, I’ve known them some time. We sometimes trade. They’re nice enough.”

Jane swallows. “That’s it?”

“Well, I had a companion at one point. For a couple of years. He’d been with me at Cerberus, just for a little while, and when I left, he came with. Jacob and I worked well together. He was more muscle, I was more brains. But I guess that was the problem. It’s just who he was. He wanted to feel like he was actively making a difference, wanted to fight. Waiting around for me to figure out what to do made him restless.”

“So he left?”

Miranda shrugged. “We parted ways. It’s not fair to hold him back. Everyone handles surviving in a different way. Jacob left to join a resistance group somewhere, and I knew he would be good at it.”

“But it left you alone.”

“You know just as well as anyone that sometimes you have to do hard things for the sake of other people’s happiness and well being.”

Jane swallows. “Yeah, I do. I’m… I’m sorry you’ve been alone so long. It’s gotta be tough.”

Miranda’s quiet for a moment, and then nods. “It is, but when you have one thing you want more than anything, you stay so focused on that, and you can endure. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t nice to have another person here, though. Especially another woman.”

Jane laughs. “I travel with two guys. I’m with you.”

Miranda joins her. “Right, I almost forgot about that part.”

“It’s nice of you to say, though… because I haven’t even been that nice to you.”

Miranda shrugs. “I think it’s deserved.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” she says, and then there’s a long pause, before, “If I had to go back and measure every single bad thing I’ve done since the virus broke out, I can’t say that I’ve done many things to redeem myself. I’m not saying I’m a bad person. But I guess I think of it as like… have I saved as many people as I’ve killed? Probably nowhere close to it. But you? Maybe you were partially responsible for a lot of bad things, but the fact that you know it, and that you’re the only one out here trying to fix it? I don’t know that hating you is deserved. I don’t really see where it gets me. I don’t see where it gets any of us.”

Miranda doesn’t make eye contact, but Jane can tell she’s appreciative. There’s a hint of happiness in her eyes that Jane doesn’t see often.

“And if you’ve been honest with me,” she continues, “it seems like Cerberus would have done this with or without your involvement. They would have found a way.”

“They would have,” Miranda confirms.

Jane nods. “So… we’re all part of things we’re not proud of at some point. But I think what you do after matters more.”

“What if we don’t succeed?” Miranda asks.

“We tried,” she replies. “Sometimes trying is all you can do.”

“You believe that?”

“I have to.”

“Okay,” Miranda says, and then goes quiet. Jane has a sudden realization that she does not like seeing Miranda sad. She’s not huge on seeing people sad in general, but there’s something particularly painful about seeing the people she cares about hurting. She knows what her brother looks like in pain, and what Kaidan looks like in pain. And each of those breaks her heart, and she feels the urge to do something about it every time. She feels the same thing with Miranda right now. She wonders if this is the beginning of something she swore she’d never feel again.

Jane picks up _Red Hot Roughrider_ and comes over to the couch with Miranda. She looks up at Jane and laughs, breaking the tension in the room. 

“What? I’m curious.”

“You’ll have to go for _My Backwoods Beau_ next,” she teases.

“Good,” Jane replies, “thanks for the recommendation.”

 

***

 

It’s later when John finally begins to come to again. Kaidan had been able to get him back to the house, and build a fire to keep them warm, and tend to his injuries. The blood made it look worse than it was, but his face is badly bruised and he has several deep cuts all over. Kaidan doesn't suspect his ribs are broken, but he’s going to have a bad time moving until the bruising heals. After John was all cleaned up, he curled up by the fire and went to sleep, as looking at any light was making his head hurt worse.

He so badly wishes John had been awake the whole time, because he wanted nothing more than to have someone reassure him he did the right thing. He’s played the moments over in his head so many times he doesn’t remember what’s real and what’s not. He wonders if he should have done something sooner, or if there was a way out of this that didn’t involve killing anyone.

Kaidan’s several glasses of old whiskey in when John moves again, and he’s been staring at the fireplace so long, his vision is a tear coated and burning mess. He takes a long sip of his drink as John finally opens his eyes next to him. He sits up, and leans against the base of the couch with Kaidan, grunting in pain.

“Whatcha drinkin’?” he asks, groggy and delirious.

Instead of answering, Kaidan just pours him a glass. He doesn’t really know what to say, not now that John’s somewhat coherent again. He’s clearly working off sleep, but seems to be okay. John takes his glass and sips it. He dabs at his nose, where Kaidan’s taped up the gash across it, and winces. 

“Fuck,” he mutters.

“How’s your head?”

John shrugs. “Been better. Thanks for patching me up.”

Kaidan nods, and doesn’t say anything. John reaches for his hand and holds onto it tightly. Kaidan doesn’t know if he has the strength to hold on back.

“How are _you_ doing?”

The only response that feels right is hysterical sobbing, begging for forgiveness from someone who he already knows wouldn’t give a shit. He knows what John’s going to say - or he hopes - but he doesn’t know if it makes it better or worse. Would he be better off if John chastised him for not thinking fast enough and making a rash call? Maybe at least it would validate the pain he’s in. Instead, he just swallows and shakes his head.

“Been better.”

“I could have guessed that. Do you… want to talk about it?”

Kaidan should have learned from what happened a few weeks ago. He’d let his emotions boil up until they exploded, and nearly got himself killed. He knew that it had been a wakeup call for John and Jane to watch out for him more. They were all guilty of it, putting other’s feelings ahead of their own. It had just bitten Kaidan in the ass the hardest. But yet, he still feels like he shouldn’t show this terrified side of himself to John. He knows he isn’t ready for him to see that.

“I’m sorry,” he says.

“For?”

“I didn’t want to do it.”

“I know.”

“It just happened? I saw him hurting you, and I knew I had to do something. But I thought I was better than that, smart enough to outwit him and get you out of there alive. I thought I would figure _something_ out. I couldn’t figure out anything to end it.”

“But you did,” John says.

“By _killing_ someone,” he argues, and his eyes water.

“He didn’t give you much choice, K.”

“But I should have been smarter, should have figured something else out. I should have known what to do. It’s not my job to kill people. It’s not my job to decide who lives or dies,” he says, sensing his voice wavering, words coming out at a frantic pace. He stops himself before he risks crying.

“It’s not mine either. Look, it sounds cruel and horrible, but you’re smart. You gotta know that there are just some people who… well, the world’s better off without them. And if it hadn’t been me on the ground getting beat half to death, it would have been someone else. Maybe someone who didn’t have anyone looking out for them, y’know?”

Kaidan feels his chest begin to burn again. He knows John’s right, and he knows that the world is a safer place without Tarak in the picture. He knows that if he let him live, he’d just go on terrorizing other people. Maybe even helpless people. And he knew that from the moment that he found him beating John. And yet…

“I let him hurt you. I… I let him.”

John shakes his head. “It’s more complicated than that.”

“I stood there, letting you have the shit kicked out of you debating whether your life was worth more than my conscience, and I might have been too late to stop it because I’m just so fucking caught up in my own head sometimes. And one time, it’s going to be the wrong time. Did you… did you think I was going to let you die?”

John takes a deep breath in. “Not really. I knew you’d make the right call eventually. I just didn’t know if it would be quick enough. I just worried maybe you’d make the right decision a second too late.”

Kaidan thinks of what he’d be doing if Tarak had actually gotten the chance. He thinks of having to watch John’s head be bashed in, dying so quick they didn’t even have a chance to try and save him. He knows if it ever happens - to either of them - that’s how it’ll be. Too fast to stop and no chance to rewind. He doubts he’d be sitting here right now if John hadn’t made it. He finds it hard to have anything to fight for if he’s all alone. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” John says.

“That was too close.”

“You can say that again. What you did…”

Kaidan pauses a moment and takes a deep breath. “I… I killed someone, and if I hadn’t, you would have died.”

John nods. “Good. I needed to hear you say it yourself. Because it’s true.”

John pushes Kaidan’s arm out of the way and slides it around his body. He curls up with Kaidan and holds him tight. Kaidan hesitates a second. It feels wrong for someone to show him love after this. He’d been partially expecting John to leave him, run away the second he saw that there was a part of Kaidan that could be so cruel, so merciless. He wasn’t expecting someone to _understand_. He slides his arms around John and makes him comfortable, and presses a soft kiss to the top of his head.

“You didn’t need forgiveness for this,” John says, like he can read his mind.

“Okay.”

“But if it’s any consolation, we haven’t had each other long enough to be taken away from one another yet.”

Kaidan nods. “Yeah.”

“I hope we never have to know what that feels like.”

Kaidan shuts his eyes. “Yeah, me either.”


	22. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;) ;) ;)
> 
> That's all that needs to be said.

It’s nice to see the sky again. Jane’s been in the bunker so long that she forgot what it looked like. She’s missed fresh air, nature. She’s grown to love Miranda’s bunker, but stretching her legs for real feels good. She hopes that she somehow manages to find John and Kaidan while they’re out here. Maybe they’ll be passing through and find them, and they can all be together.

She’s surveyed the area outside of the bunker and figured out that the bunker is not that far from the mall, and she wonders if John and Kaidan are even still in the area. Boston isn’t a huge city, but when you’re picking it apart bit by bit, it can take a while. But it’s been long enough that she wouldn’t be shocked if they moved into the city a bit more. She hopes that it won’t be terribly hard to find them. She hasn’t really brought it up with Miranda yet, but she’s expressed her desires to go back. And if Miranda wants an alliance, they need to find them eventually.

“Now, you gotta take it easy. Nothing too adventurous, okay?”

Jane nods, and is mindful of the places she’s still healing. It still hurts to breathe and walk just a bit. Each breath feels a little bit like she’s sucking in razor blades, and sitting up on her own is still a struggle. She regains strength every day, but it’s a slower recovery than she wants.

“Yep, no playing the hero. Got it. So, you got like… zombie bait or something?”

Miranda rolls her eyes. “Funny.”

“I mean, I am serious. If we want to lure one in, we do need a way to like… do that.”

Miranda closes the latch on the bunker and pulls over a sheet of fake grass. It’s more elaborate than Jane anticipated. She figured a steel door was enough, but no. There had to be some fancy means of cover. Miranda stands and pulls her hair back. She somehow still looks gorgeous with her hair in a messy bun and a heavy winter coat thrown over her. She passes Jane a gun, and she slips it into the waistband of her pants. Miranda looks at her own gun and loads it with a separate type of magazine.

“What’s that?”

“Sleep darts. We don’t want it dead, just asleep.”

“So, you really think sleep darts work on zombies?”

“I’m hoping.”

Jane nods. “Alright. We’re here to reel in zombies and we’re going on hope. Good.”

“Hopefully zombies are attracted to sarcasm, because I think you’ve got us all set,” Miranda smirks.

“Funny,” Jane says, trying to hide the fact that she really likes it. She likes when Miranda challenges her. It makes her feel like maybe they’re in the same league. Like they could be truly good allies. Besides, Jane isn’t sure she’s spent this much time with a woman in a long time. Even her stays at the Safe House aren’t usually this long.

“Alright, come with me.”

Jane follows Miranda a few blocks, keeping watch the whole time. She leads her to a back alley not too far away, and they peer around the corner. Jane hears it first, the hissing and grunting. As they look around the corner, Jane sees a zombie gnawing on a freshly dead body. She gasps, and Miranda’s hand comes over her mouth. When she gets the memo to be quiet, she lets go.

“How did you-?” she whispers.

“His name is Tarak. He led a group called the Blue Suns close by. I’d been raiding his base and taking out his men little by little for the past few months. I think he was catching on.”

“And you killed him?”

Miranda shakes her head. “No, I actually didn’t. I was scouting for other bodies to use as bait, or trying to figure something else out earlier today, and his body was just out in the backyard.”

“Do you know who did it?”

“No clue. Had to have been recent. He was still a little warm. Maybe one of his men had enough of his bullshit. Wouldn’t shock me.”

“Yeah, I guess not.”

_It’s one less person for John and Kaidan to worry about too,_ she thinks.

Miranda motions for Jane to get on the other side of the alleyway, if she can. Jane checks her gun and sees that it’s loaded with the same kind of sleep darts that Miranda’s loaded hers with. She hopes to god they work, because it sure doesn’t look like they have any other weapons. Miranda peers around the corner, and Jane does as well. The zombie hovers over Tarak’s body, and digs into his throat. Blood pools around the body and the zombie gurgles. It’s clearly distracted, and Miranda pulls out her gun. 

She aims, and fires a dart at the creature. It hits, but just in the shoulder. It jerks and looks at them, and begins to sniff. Miranda pulls back around the corner, and takes in a deep breath. She goes to shoot again, but Jane beats her to it. She fires, and this one hits its neck. It cries out, and begins to frantically jerk.

Jane can see the panic growing in Miranda’s eyes. If this doesn’t work… she doesn’t have much of a backup plan, as far as Jane knows. They also would have to run, and hope they could outrun it.

Miranda fires again, this one in the chest. The zombie is now enraged, and begins to run toward the entrance to the alley. He jerks and fidgets along the way, like he’s fighting something off. Jane hopes the sleep darts are actually working, just have a delayed response.

“Dammit,” Miranda whispers. 

It gets closer, and they both can hear it, rushing toward them. Jane turns and fires another dart, this one to the chest again. The zombie’s within a few feet of them, and one or two more steps and it will be able to grab them, and they have to make the call to stay and fight or run. Jane looks to Miranda, waiting for her order, and prepares to run. And then, they hear a thud.

Jane turns and sees the zombie on the ground, twitching. 

“Holy shit,” Jane says.

“We did it,” Miranda replies.

She lets out a little gasp and covers her mouth, bouncing once or twice on her toes, before realizing what she’s doing. Jane can’t help but smile, and looks up at Miranda, who smiles as well. It’s a shy smile, but beautiful nonetheless. Jane can’t help but feel proud, hopeful that they’re one step closer to ending this for good.

Miranda rests a hand on her shoulder, and slowly paces toward the zombie. It’s stopped moving, for the most part, just subtle jerks here and there. Miranda pulls a pair of handcuffs from her belt and unhooks them, carefully turning the creature over and locking its hands in the cuffs. Jane steps forward, ready to act if something happens, or if the zombie decides to attack. 

Miranda hauls the dead weight up, and Jane helps.

“Alright, let’s get this guy back to the bunker.”

 

***

 

Jane watches closely, sitting vigilantly beside Miranda before the examining table. They’d returned to the bunker and dosed the zombie up with the cure, restrained its hands, and waited. Miranda wasn’t sure how long the cure would take to begin working, not at this stage of the disease.

“With you, it stopped almost immediately. But there wasn’t much to fight off, of course,” she says, twiddling her thumbs.

“Yeah.”

“He’s a bit of a mess. Bullet wound in the leg, malnourished probably. He could be facing a rough recovery if he wakes up.”

Jane nods. “When.”

“Hmm?”

“When he wakes up,” she repeats.

Miranda smiles. “Okay, yeah.”

“So… it begs the question, right? What do we do when he wakes up?”

Miranda shrugs. “We take care of him. He’s probably going to need food, water. But once he’s ready to talk, we find out what he knows. If he remembers any of what happened to him.”

“If he does?”

Jane hopes she and Miranda are on the same page. She hopes that it won’t come down to it, but if the person remembers everything they’d done, there’s no way they could manage the moral implications of it. If he remembers, he’s going to need a bullet to the head.

“We can’t follow through with this,” Miranda says.

She grips hard at the chair beneath her and swallows. Jane has the feeling again, the one where she wants to help Miranda when she’s sad, wants to take care of her, because she knows nobody has in a very long time. No matter what she was coping with, she was never alone. She’d had Thane for some time, and Kaidan for years. She’d always had John. Miranda hadn’t had that in years.

Jane kneels in front of her, and rests her hands on Miranda’s legs. “Hey, we’ll figure something else out then.”

“There’s nothing else to figure out. If this doesn’t work, it’s back to square one. People keep dying because I wasn’t smart enough to fix it.”

“No,” she says, shaking her head, “that’s not it. It’s because we’re faced with the impossible. It doesn’t mean we fail if our first attempt doesn’t pan out. We try again. Maybe by then we’ll get you with the Alliance, somewhere that you can put your brain with other people, and find something together. We’ll figure it out, Miranda. But I trust you right now. I have faith that what you’ve created will fix this.”

Miranda rests a hand on top of Jane’s, and it feels so tender and so raw that she almost jumps back. She thinks about Thane, and about how she promised herself to never let someone get close again. She thinks maybe it’s wrong, maybe she’s betraying him. But she also knows that Miranda probably wouldn’t feel the same way as her, if this is what she’s feeling after all.

She pulls away when they hear the person begin to move. They’ve sat and watched as the zombie began to resemble a human once again, over the course of a few hours. Slowly, the decaying skin began to heal, and the sores and burns vanished. His cheeks are sunken in, and he looks like a man starved, but he looked like a man at least. Young, too. Jane doubts he’d been a zombie for a terribly long time.

Part of her prays he doesn’t remember a thing. She wants to know that there’s a way to end all of this, to begin having a normal life. She doesn’t know what that would even mean at this point. What would she do? Settle down? Find a job? She doesn’t know what she’d even be good at besides surviving at this point.

Miranda nervously twiddles her fingers and stands over the cot they’ve put the body on. He begins to come back to himself, and whimpers in pain. Miranda grabs a bottle of water from the kitchen, and some crackers, something that’ll go down easily.

“Easy,” she says, kneeling beside the body.

The man swallows and chokes, his throat rubbed dry and raw. 

“Here,” she says, “water.”

Jane watches her care for him, and how her voice is unusually gentle. She wonders if this was how Miranda was with her sister, if it’s how she was with partners. She sees a side of her she didn’t think much about before.

The man clutches the bottle of water, and tilts it to his lips. Jane thinks it might be a good sign that at least he remembers how to do that. Maybe if he remembers basic human functions, he’ll still have his humanity. Miranda doesn’t show the same optimism. Jane’s never seen her this terrified before. The man swallows half the bottle of water, and reaches out again. Miranda places a few crackers in his hands, and he eats them ravenously. It takes a few more minutes, but he calms, and clears his throat.

“Where… where am I?”

“Safe,” Miranda says.

He looks around the bunker, and makes sense of the surroundings. “I… I don’t understand. I was attacked. Did I survive?”

Miranda pauses a moment, and nods. “You did. You… you were one of them, but we helped you.”

His eyes water. “No… no, no no. I got turned?”

“Yes.”

“You can kill me if you want. You can do it. I don’t want to be one of them.”

“No,” Jane interjects, “you’re cured. You’re not one anymore.”

His breathing evens out. “What? How is that possible?”

“We have a cure,” she says, taking the reins from Miranda. “You have a name?”

The man nods. “Yeah, it’s Richard. Richard Jenkins.”

“Okay, it’s nice to meet you. I’m Jane. That’s Miranda. Now, tell me… do you remember what’s happened to you since the attack?”

Jenkins swallows, and he racks his brain for any information stuck in there. He bites down on his lip and shakes his head.

“No, I’m sorry,” he says, “I remember them swarming me, and getting bitten, and for a bit, things hurt a lot, and then it was dark for a while.”

“Dark?” Miranda asks.

“Yeah, like… I don’t know… there was just nothing.”

A smile spreads on Jane’s lips, and she looks to Miranda, who doesn’t seem to process the information. She stands up and begins to pace and fiddle with her hair the way that she does when she’s nervous.

“You don’t remember anything?”

He shakes his head. “No. Nothing.”

Miranda steadies herself on the cabinet behind her and takes in a deep breath. Jane moves over to Miranda, and grips her shoulders. Her own eyes water.

“You did it.”

Miranda smiles, and wipes her eyes. “Yeah, we did.”

Jane shrugs. “No, this was all you.”

Jane slides her arms around Miranda’s shoulders and pulls her in close. Miranda squeezes her back, and sniffles away tears into Jane’s shoulder. She grips tightly at Jane’s t-shirt and mumbles something she can’t understand into her shoulder. Jane picks her head up, cupping her face. She brushes away a few tears from Miranda’s cheeks, and for a moment, the two of them can just laugh.

And it’s what feels right, so Jane pulls Miranda closer again and kisses her. It shocks even her, but she’s taken back at how wonderfully soft and gentle Miranda’s lips are. And she’s even more shocked when Miranda kisses back. Miranda grips at Jane’s hair and bites down on her lower lip, and Jane lets out a low, hungry moan. She doesn’t know how long she’s wanted this, but somehow it’s better than she expects. She swears she would do so much more to her — and wants to do so much more — if there wasn’t another person in the room.

As Miranda goes in for another kiss, Jenkins clears his throat.

“Uh… hi,” he says.

Miranda steps away, and scrubs her hands over her face. “Right.”

Jane simply watches as Miranda jumps back to “Doctor Mode” and tends to Jenkins. She expects the sounds of Miranda giving him a full body exam to drown out the adrenaline and fuzzy feeling running all throughout her body, but somehow, just the sight of her makes it worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aww look at that, Jenkins gets a second chance at life. Sweet boy :')


	23. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jane and Miranda get a lil cozy. John and Kaidan seriously can't catch a break. Art by dakotaliar on tumblr!

 

It’s been some time since John has said anything. Kaidan knows that he’s been this way lately. Sometimes he gets lost in thought, or mourning, letting himself spend too long thinking of Jane, or how they’re supposed to find her. He lets him be quiet, usually. Forcing him to talk has never made it much better.

“Huh, snow,” John says, his voice quiet and strained.

He turns around and sees John behind him, moving slowly, and looking up at the sky, innocent and childish. But there’s clearly something wrong. Sure, the bruises on his face are still healing and fading, and he’s still got scabby cuts, but his eyes droop and his skin looks unreasonably pale. He can’t tell if it’s just the cold or if it’s something else, but his nose is bright red as well, and his cheeks look swollen and wind burnt. 

Kaidan gives a wary smile and nods. “Yeah, it’s snowing.”

John looks around, and swallows. Kaidan moves closer and takes a better look at him. He’s not in good enough shape to keep moving.

“You okay?” he asks.

John nods. “Yeah.”

Earlier in the day they’d decided to track down any other traces of humans in the city, wondering if maybe they’d find the woman that Tarak was talking about, the one that had been making their life hell. John said he remembered them saying she had dark hair, had been sabotaging their defenses, taking out their men before any of them could do a thing about it. Maybe if this woman was so smart and so good at surviving, maybe she’d come across Jane, or know how to find her.

“You sure?”

John grumbles. “K, I’m fine.”

Kaidan steps closer, and he can see the coating over John’s eyes, and him fighting to keep his head up. It doesn’t look like he’s sad or crying, just like he’s on the verge of exploding. Kaidan reaches a hand out and brushes it past his cheek, and immediately flinches. He slowly moves it to his forehead, finding an abnormal flush of heat on his skin.

“Hey, I think we should take a break. We should hole up somewhere for a bit.”

John mumbles a reply. Kaidan holds his hand on John’s head for a few more seconds and nods.

“No, we need to stop moving. I want you to rest. You have a fever. I think you’re getting sick.”

“I’m okay.”

Kaidan takes John’s hand with his free one, and looks into his eyes. “I just want you to rest up. We can get back to looking for Jane once you feel better. Okay? Do this for me?”

John gives him back a sad look, clearly trying to be brave, but also on the verge of wobbling over and passing out.

“Okay, I guess.”

Kaidan takes his hand and examines the houses nearby. Most of them are old brownstones, and now that they’re near downtown, they’re further away from what they’re currently calling home base. With John no longer feeling well, Kaidan doesn’t want to risk making it worse going all the way back. He can worry about relocating and getting the car here later.

Each of them has a chimney, and he hopes it means a fireplace, or a way to keep John warm, or hopefully sweat out his fever. He picks one, and checks through the windows. It seems empty, and he’s able to pick through the lock and bring John inside. Already, the cold isn’t as pervasive, doesn’t pierce right through their bones. John whimpers, and takes a seat in the nearest chair. Kaidan focuses on scanning the house, evaluating where the best place for John to rest is, and sides with the upstairs living room. It’s free of zombies, and they can at the very least lock it down for safety. Plus, there’s a fireplace he’s able to get going.

Kaidan brings him upstairs and helps him sprawl onto the couch. He shakes the blankets nearby off, ridding them of dirt and dead bugs that may have made a home. He eases John’s boots off, and helps him out of his jacket, tugging blankets around his body. He shivers and begins to sweat, and Kaidan isn’t sure if they have any medicine. He has bandages and first aid stuff, but not medicine. John lets out a soft moan and shuts his eyes. It seems as if his condition worsened the second Kaidan pointed it out. But he’d rather have him asleep and resting than out there.

He kneels in front of him, and brushes his sweaty hair out of his face. “Better?”

John barely responds, but he nods a little. Kaidan touches his face, and strokes his cheek. “How’s your leg feel?”

“It’s fine.”

“No infections?”

John shakes his head. “No, it’s totally healed.”

Kaidan nods. “Okay.”

Kaidan notes to check it out later, but he thinks its unlikely it would be an infection. John’s struggling to breathe, so he’s more inclined to believe it’s some kind of illness, a bad cold. He hopes it’s nothing worse like the flu or pneumonia. Behind them, the fire gets going, and begins to warm the room. Kaidan can’t see John’s breath anymore, and he’s glad that at least he’s getting relief from the cold.

“If…” he struggles out, and winces in pain, “if I’m sick with something, I don’t want you getting it too.”

Kaidan shakes his head. “I’ll be okay.”

John barely opens his eyes. “I’m serious.”

“Me too.”

Kaidan leans forward and presses a soft kiss to John’s head. He shivers and moans, but curls into Kaidan a bit more. Kaidan can tell that at the very least, he’s somewhat comforted. 

“I love you,” he whispers.

Kaidan nods. “I love you too. Get some sleep, okay?”

John gives a soft reply, and rests his head back onto the pillow. It takes less than a minute for him to pass out, and Kaidan readjusts the blankets around him and pull off his own jacket to drape it over John as he sleeps. He decides that maybe he’ll stay right here. Part of him can’t risk leaving his side. He’s learned he never knows what’ll happen if he lets John out of his sight for even a second.

 

***

 

John wakes up hours later, coughing and struggling to breathe. His head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds. His eyes burn and he feels like he can hardly even reach out and cry for Kaidan to come help him. Even if he does, he doesn’t know what Kaidan can do to make it better. He lets out a low moan and coughs again.

Almost immediately, he feels Kaidan at his side. He hopes Kaidan doesn’t ask how he’s feeling because he feels ten times worse, and like he’s going to die.

“Hey, I’m here. It’s okay. What do you need?”

_You,_ he thinks. He wants Kaidan to hold him, to take care of him and make sure he comes out of this, but he knows asking could get Kaidan in trouble. He can’t risk the same thing happening to him. He's smarter and better than he is, and he deserves to be alive. John can’t imagine a world without Kaidan, and he knows that no matter what happens to himself, Kaidan needs to live.

John barely opens his eyes, but tries to sit up a little. His stomach aches in hunger, but he doubts he can get anything down his throat. Even water feels like it would hurt. Kaidan helps him, and eases him onto the pillows on the couch, and kisses the side of his head.

“Here, I made you soup.”

“Thanks,” John replies, but it hurts just a little. 

“Of course.”

Kaidan reaches over to the coffee table and passes him a bowl full of steaming broth and noodles. It reminds him of staying home from school as a kid, having his mom take care of him. Sometimes he’d fake sick when he didn’t want to deal with the other students for a day, because at least in his own home he felt like people loved him for who he was.

“It’s hot,” he says.

Kaidan shrugs. “You were getting restless the past couple minutes. Figured you’d shake out of it soon. I was going to wake you if it got worse.”

John gives a tired, strained smile, and fumbles with the spoon. He hopes he’s able to actually eat on his own. Asking Kaidan for help would just be embarrassing at this point. He manages a spoonful, and has never been so grateful for canned soup.

Kaidan rests a hand on John’s forehead, and sighs. “Still hot.”

John nods. “Yeah.”

“Well,” he begins, “at least it’s not your leg getting infected. I’m… I’m not sure I’d know what to do.”

“You would.”

Kaidan gives a weak smile back. “You might trust me a little bit too much.”

John continues to eat, and finds that his throat at least feels better, but it doesn’t change how terrible he feels overall. He wonders if after all the fighting, running, surviving impossible odds, he’s meant to die of some kind of illness that he would have survived if it weren’t the apocalypse. He thinks of all the badass things he’s done in his life, and to be taken down by the flu would just be so cruel. 

“I just hope it doesn’t get worse,” Kaidan whispers.

“Me either.”

He can tell that there’s something burning inside of Kaidan, that there’s something he won’t communicate that’s hurting him and rubbing him so raw.

“I’ve nearly lost you too many times,” he says. “Especially lately.”

John nods. “I know.”

Kaidan clears his throat and reaches for John’s hand. “I’m going to make sure that you’re okay. I promise.”

John doesn’t know what it means, but there’s a part of him that’s afraid to find out. He wonders the lengths Kaidan would go to protect him, and it scares him because he suspects its somewhat close to the lengths that he’d go to for him.

John leans himself back on the pillows, and shuts his eyes. Kaidan doesn’t move right away, lost in thought, but ultimately, he pulls the blankets over John again. He kneels beside the couch and strokes the side of his face. John watches through half open eyes as he goes to press a kiss to his head, but cuts him off.

“No,” he mutters.

“What?”

“I’m sick. Don’t get too close to me. Please.”

Kaidan’s eyes water, and John knows he understands, but it doesn’t make it any easier to cope with. It’s not like a physical injury where he can offer physical comfort and stay close to him. Here, he needs to step away. Kaidan’s never been good at that.

“Okay,” he says.

“I love you. I just don’t want to see anything happen to you. Wash your hands, shower… make sure you don’t come down with this either.”

Kaidan doesn’t listen right away, and instead, leans forward and presses a kiss to the side of John’s head. He sniffles as he backs away, and heads for another room in the house. John knows he’s doing the right thing, but it still doesn’t help how much it hurts to watch him walk away.

 

***

 

Jane sits with Miranda on the couch, while Jenkins sleeps in the infirmary area of the bunker. Miranda said he mostly needed rest and food, all to build up his strength, before they could release him into the wild. He was a talker, they learned.

He told them all about how he’d joined a resistance group hoping to find some action. He had spent most of his adolescence running and fighting zombies, until he found a way to help. And then promptly got himself bitten. Jane had told him about the day she and John started running from the outbreak, and he responded with an inappropriate and insensitive “Cool!” and Jane resisted punching him. Also, his parents’ names were Joanne and Robert, and that they wanted him to play it safe and be an accountant, but he really just wanted action. Jane had stopped listening to the endless stories after some time, but at least he was alive and optimistic. It was… something?

Jane hasn’t spoken to Miranda about their kiss, and Miranda’s been somewhat awkward. Jane took it as a good sign that she was willing to kiss back, but she knows that sometimes things happen, things get carried away and you decide to just never talk about them again. She thinks of the night she hooked up with Kaidan, and how they quickly vowed they’d never do it again. Even now, it still feels strange to think about. She hopes Miranda is not one of those.

“So…” Jane says.

“So, what?” Miranda whispers back, cautious not to wake Jenkins. 

“About earlier. Us… You ever done that before?”

Miranda doesn’t look up, and Jane wishes she would. “Kissed a girl?”

“Yeah,” Jane replies.

“No.”

“Have you ever wanted to?”

Miranda shrugs. “I guess I never thought about it. You spend so long trying to survive, not worried about who is in your bed. But sure, I guess the thought never bothered me. You?”

“Yeah, I have. Just never got around to it.”

“And now that you have?”

_God, I want to do so much more,_ she thinks.

“It was… pretty good.”

Miranda smiles and nods. “It was.”

Jane raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Yes. I… I’ve got to admit I’ve grown quite fond of you. It’s been nice to not only have company, but the company of someone you trust and care for.”

“Likewise,” Jane says. “It makes the outlook not so bleak, you know?”

“Yeah,” Miranda says, and rests a hand on Jane’s leg. God, Jane just wants to touch her and be close to her again.Miranda’s eyes dance over her body, and she wonders what’s going through her head. She slowly moves closer, and cups the side of Jane’s face. Her soft fingers stroke her skin, and Jane swallows. 

Suddenly, she tastes Miranda’s lips again, and melts into her. She curls her arms around Miranda’s waist and pulls her into her lap. She feels the press of Miranda’s body against her own, and it feels so natural, so desirable. Jane pushes Miranda back onto the couch and slides between her legs, hardly breaking their kiss. Miranda’s hands wander down her body, finding a grip below her waist. 

Jane feels Miranda’s hips push against hers, and she pulls away to catch her breath. She leans back down, knotting her hands in Miranda’s wavy hair and kisses lower down Miranda’s jaw, finding spaces on her neck that make her gasp and slide closer to her body.

“Wait,” Miranda whispers, cutting Jane off.

“Hmm?” she says, pressing kisses along the side of her jaw.

“I don’t want to… I don’t want to do anything more than this. Not with Jenkins here.”

Jane looks over the edge of the sofa, and sighs. “Damn. Right.”

Miranda cups the side of Jane’s face, and presses her forehead to hers. “Doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy with what was going on.”

Jane gives a soft smile back and kisses Miranda’s nose. “Okay.”

“And… and well, I’ve been alone so long that I don’t want you to think I’m using you because you’re here…”

Jane strokes one of Miranda’s strong cheekbones and shakes her head. “I don’t.”

“I just want to make sure it’s right.”

“Me too,” Jane whispers, kissing her again.

Miranda smiles softly and pulls Jane onto her. She fixes the pillow behind their heads, and wraps her arms around Jane’s waist. She thinks of the first night’s she’s spent next to people. She remembers being sixteen, dating some boy who is undoubtedly dead now, curling up next to him after sex, thinking “hey, maybe you could like… be nice to me after getting off”, and not finding any comfort in being beside someone. She thinks of Thane, and the way he didn’t even question keeping an arm around her, holding her so protectively when it felt like they still hardly knew one another. 

Miranda feels different, but just as good as Thane. She doesn’t think she could have survived this long without John and Kaidan had she not had Miranda with her. And of course, she aches for the two of them like nothing else, but another girl — who is so capable and strong, and who compliments her skills and needs so well — feels perfect right about now.


	24. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An early update, as this weekend will be busy since I have my graduation and family in town! Didn't wanna forget and skimp out on your guys. Enjoy :)
> 
> Also, writing the John and Kaidan part of this chapter is the hardest I've cried writing this fic thus far, so have fun with that.

They send Jenkins on his merry way. Jane’s not sure how far he’ll make it, but he’s certain he knows where to go to find the rest of his unit. She’s not sure how to break it to him that they could all be dead, but they saved him and gave him a second chance. In a way, they don’t owe him anything more. She gives him the location of Rahna’s base, and tells him to keep quiet about what happened to him.

Miranda packs up the remains of what they can carry. Jane mostly takes clothes and food, and Miranda handles the medical supplies, and carefully secures the cure and what she needs to synthesize more. Miranda says she has a plan to spread the cure as far as she can get it, but she hasn’t explained. Jane’s worried, but not worried enough to question it. Besides, she doubts she’d understand it anyway. She’s only completed up to a tenth-grade education, and she hadn’t done so hot in chemistry.

They say their last goodbyes to the bunker, but Jane’s confident they’ll be back. Besides, they can always make the trek back if they need supplies or a more stable bed. And it’s good to know that such a place still exists in Boston. Perhaps, once they find John and Kaidan, they can come back and load up the car with the rest of Miranda’s supplies. She thinks it would be beneficial to all of them.

As Jane steps outside, knowing that she’s going to be out in the elements for good again, she can’t help but feel hopeful. She skims the area, full of busted up houses and overgrown plants, and wonders how close John must be. She wonders if he’d left the city, gone back to the Alliance after she went missing. Maybe he couldn’t bear to complete the mission believing she was dead. She hopes he’s stuck around this long, and that there’s a way to track him down. She has ideas, and she knows Miranda’s ready to listen to them.

A thick layer of snow coats the ground, and has frozen over enough to walk on top of. It’s still unbelievably cold, but they can make some progress before holing up for the night and really evaluating a game-plan.

“You okay to walk?” Miranda asks.

Jane nods. “Yeah, I feel good.”

They begin to move once Miranda locks and covers the bunker entrance, careful to not slip on ice or snow. 

“So… where to?” Miranda says.

Jane thinks for a moment. “When I left them, we were working our way through the city. They would be scouting inward, I think. We were in Back Bay, and if they keep progressing up Back Bay, they’d eventually hit Downtown. But John was hurt, so I don’t know how much that slowed them down. They might not have actually made a ton of progress in scouting the city.”

“How bad was he hurt?”

“His leg got pretty messed up during the mall attack, but I’m pretty sure Kaidan got him to safety. So… if he couldn’t walk for a bit…”

Miranda nods. “Right. Well, we’re not terribly far from Back Bay. It could be good to scout there first. Maybe we can pick up on a trail.”

Jane smiles. “I hope so. If not, I know a place we can go that might have seen them.”

Miranda shrugs in the direction of Back Bay and begins to lead the way. Jane’s happy to be outside, happy to follow, and deep down knows that she’s so close to finding her brother again. To be on the trail of _something_ again feels good. She can’t help but smile, even if the freezing air makes it hard.

She follows Miranda as their boots crunch in the snow. She hopes they’re heading toward a new beginning.

 

***

 

Kaidan kneels before John, and smooths his damp, sweaty hair from his forehead. His skin is clammy and warm — though, cooler than the past few days — and Kaidan isn’t even positive that John is really conscious. However, he appreciates these moments because at least John won’t bully him out of the room. 

John lets out a low whimper and pulls the blankets around his body more. Kaidan fixes his pillows for him, and rests a hand on the side of his face. He flinches at the touch.

“Shh,” he whispers, “it’s okay. It’s just me.”

John mumbles something in response, but Kaidan can’t make it out.

He’s done his best to stay away from John, and so far shows no signs of illness, but it might not be any indicator of what is to come. Kaidan knows the answer is getting him medicine. There has to be some kind of drugstore not far from here that he can rummage through, or even if he’s so desperate, he can go as far as Rahna’s base and try to trade them for some supplies. The problem in the way is the massive amounts of snow that have accumulated over the past few days, and the fact that it’s still snowing now.

He won’t make it long out there, but he also won’t make it long listening to John hack and cough, and struggle to even sit up. 

He decides he’d rather risk dying than let John die of something completely curable. He goes to grab his jacket, and at some point, John comes to. Kaidan steps back into the living room and pulls his jacket over his shoulders. 

“What are you doing?” John asks.

“I have to go,” Kaidan says. “I need to find medicine.”

“Where are you supposed to look?” John mutters. “It’s a mess out there. If you go out into the snow, you’re going to die. You’re going to freeze to death, and then I’m good as dead too.”

Speaking is hurting him, and Kaidan can more than tell. He wishes he could do better for him. Kaidan had the flu years ago, and he’d stayed home from school for several days, just trying to get the virus out of his system. His mom had made him soup, tea, enough medicine to make him functional and feel like a human again, and none of them had been concerned about the prognosis.

But looking at John now, he doesn’t know if he’s going to pull through. It’s the sort of thing they’ve been able to avoid for the past five winters. He doesn’t know if this sort of thing happened before he joined with the Shepards, but he’s thankful he hasn’t had to watch it until now.His eyes are sunken in and he looks like no amount of sleep will ever fix his exhaustion, and his nose is bright red against his pale skin and discolored lips. It makes the stubble on his cheeks look far darker, and his cheeks hollower. 

“I don’t have enough to take care of you here, and I don’t want to know what’ll happen if I let this go untreated.”

John tries to sit up and prop himself up on the couch, but Kaidan can tell the aches running through his body are making it hard. His hands shake, and he lets out a soft whimper. Kaidan sets down his backpack and moves closer. John shivers at his touch, but keeps it together. He’s not in enough pain to cry, just to want someone to hold.

“You shouldn’t even be around me. The last thing we need is both of us getting sick.”

Kaidan shakes his head. “No, doesn’t matter to me.”

“It matters to _me,_ ” John snaps. “I’m not having you die on my account. It’s not worth it. I’m going to get through this. I know it. I just need you to take care of yourself. Keep yourself safe, and healthy, please… That’s more imp-.”

“Stop doing that,” he breathes, shutting his eyes.

“What?”

“Stop acting like I’m some kind of hero who would just move on if something happened to you. Stop pretending like that’s something I can handle,” he says through gritted teeth.

He shuts his eyes and breathes in, but it doesn’t change how he feels. It doesn’t make the pain go away or the tears clear from his eyes. It only makes it worse. He doesn’t do this, not in front of John. He saves moments of weakness for when he’s truly alone or just with Jane, especially when it comes to John. He knows he could come to his boyfriend with these problems, fears, but maybe it’s not in his wiring. There’s part of him that’s scared to let John see the weaker parts of him. Since they’ve been together, he’s always been a caretaker, the one that both John and Jane lean on. He doesn’t know what he’ll lose if he breaks from the role.

“Oh.”

“Forget it,” Kaidan says, and steps away from the couch. Before he can get too far, John weaves his fingers through his and brings him back. 

“Come here,” he says.

Kaidan fights it for a moment, and shakes his head. “I have to go.”

“Shh, come here,” John repeats.

Despite earlier protests, John pushes his blankets back and lets Kaidan come closer. Kaidan hesitates a moment, but agrees on the rationale that he could help keep him warm, and that right about now, it would be nice to be held. He slides off his boots and rests his body against John’s, with his head resting on his shoulder. He feels John breathing underneath him, and chokes on a sob. He’s alive, and right now, maybe it’s okay if he takes a moment to be afraid.

“I don’t want you to forget that I love you too. It’s not just you loving me, and me taking care of you in return. That’s not what this is. I can’t watch this happen to you and do nothing about it for my sake. Sometimes I wonder if it even occurs to you that there’s part of me that would be irreparably broken if I had to lose you,” he says, and sniffles away his tears. 

John cups his face and presses a kiss to his forehead, and it seems like he understands. He wraps his arms around Kaidan and rests him on his shoulder, both of them under the covers. Kaidan grips at John’s sweatshirt and tilts his head into his body. He wipes away the rest of his tears on the fabric and hangs on for dear life.

“I’m so — so terrified of losing you,” he gasps, and John weaves a hand in his curls. He swears it might be the first time John has actually seen him cry. He doesn’t like the feeling of being vulnerable, but he likes the way John knows how to take care of him. “I keep having to watch you nearly die, and I can’t keep doing that.”

“Well,” he says, as strongly as he can, “it’s a good thing I’m not going anywhere.”

Kaidan nods and breathes him in. John’s going to be fine. There’s nothing that they can’t get over, that is too much for them. When the weather calms down, he’ll get medicine, he’ll continue taking care of him. Right now… there’s this.

“I love you so much,” John whispers to him. “So I’m gonna ask you right now, to take five minutes off of being the hero, and take care of yourself.”

“You’re sick, and you need someone to—,” he begins to ramble.

“No. I need you to relax.”

Kaidan’s eyes fill with tears again, and they leak down his cheeks. He wipes his face on John’s sweatshirt and holds him closer. He struggles to calm himself, and to keep his tears back. John runs his hand up and down Kaidan’s back and presses soft kisses to the top of his head. 

“Shh… it’s gonna be okay. I promise. Nothing’s gonna happen to either of us.”

Kaidan nods, gripping the fabric of his sweatshirt harder. He sniffles and nods. “I’m just getting so tired of running.”

“I know,” John tilts Kaidan’s head up just slightly, and looks him right in his tear-coated eyes. “One day… one day this is all going to be over, and you and me are going to be on the other side of it. Alive, happy… a normal life. You and me, we’re going to make it. No more running. Just us.”

Kaidan swallows most of his tears, and for a moment, he completely believes John. John brushes his tears away with his thumb and kisses the top of Kaidan’s head.

“I promise to pull through,” he starts, “if you agree to always do the same.”

Kaidan nods. He doesn’t know what the future’s going to hold, or what the next obstacle is going to be. He knows there’s plenty of things out there that could kill him, where he wouldn’t have a choice to hang on and survive, but hearing John say it makes him willing to try. 

“I just know that the whole world could go and fix itself, go back to normal, and I wouldn’t want a second of it if you weren’t by my side,” he says.

Kaidan’s eyes water again. “Likewise.”

“So we hang on,” he says.

Kaidan nods, and rests his head back down on John’s shoulder. “Yeah… I promise.”


	25. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some plot, some fluff, some angst and feels. Happy Friday!

“Friendlies!” the person on the other side of the gate yells. Kaidan steps forward as they pull back on the giant steel door and let him into the base. Immediately, he feels the warmth of a campfire and heat lamps. He sighs, and unzips the top of his jacket a bit.  
 ****

A scavenger on the inside looks him over and raises an eyebrow. “You’re one of the Alliance guys, right?”

Kaidan nods. “That’s me. I’m looking for Rahna. She around?”

“Just to be safe,” the scavenger says, and begins to pat Kaidan down. He takes the gun holstered around Kaidan’s leg and holds it up, “you can have this back when you leave.”

“Kaidan!”

Rahna emerges from a tent nearby, and she rushes to him and pulls him in for a hug. A part of him still feels weird knowing she’s out here, scavenging, being ruthless. It feels wrong, and it still aches a bit. But after the several days he’s had, he’s eager to see someone who can maybe help them out. In more ways than one.

“What are you doing here?” she asks. “Actually, never mind. Let’s get you inside first.”

She leads him toward a door to an underground bunker and they step inside. Kaidan sheds his jacket, and tucks his hat and gloves into the pockets. The trek over here hadn’t been easy, and he can’t feel his hands or face. But when John slipped into another deep, delirious sleep, he knew he had to do something. He could be gone and come back by the time he woke up again if he tried really hard. 

Rahna leads him deeper into the bunker, and finally stops him. 

“What’s up?”

“I need medicine,” he says, “John’s been sick and he’s not getting better.”

She crosses her arms. “Like with what? He got bitten or something?”

Kaidan shakes his head. “No, I think it’s the flu, but it could get much worse. I’ve been picking through every drugstore nearby and everything is expired. Please, tell me you guys have something I can bring back for him. I don’t have anything to trade with you right now, but I… I need this. I need him to pull through.”

Her eyes fill with concern and she nods. “No, I understand.”

“So you can help?”

“Come with me.”

They move further into the bunker and Rahna unlocks a heavy steel door, inviting him in. It’s a fully stocked infirmary, one he could only imagine having readily accessible. He sighs in relief. First, Rahna guides him to an examining table, and has him take off his jacket. Something about her hands on his body reminds him so much of simpler times, and makes him slightly uncomfortable, but it’s not entirely a bad feeling. Ten years ago, they’d been dumb engineering students, falling in love for the first time, fumbling their way through god knows how many firsts. She wonders if she looks at him and thinks of all those times, and not how different he is now.

Rahna places her hand on his forehead, and pulls it away. “No fever.”

“I feel fine,” he says.

She feels the sides of his throat, and doesn’t find any swollen glands or signs of illness.

“Okay.”

“I just need medicine for John, and then I’m on my way,” he says.

Rahna sifts through cabinets and pulls out several boxes. Kaidan slides off the table and goes to her. She sorts through them, checking expiration dates and passes him a box of cold and flu medicine. He looks at it himself, and steadies himself against the counter. 

“How bad is it?” she asks.

“He’s improving, but it’s slow, and the weaker he stays, the worse a chance he stands at getting better. I just need something to get him functioning again.”

“This should do it,” she says, handing him the box of medicine. 

“Thank you. I… I’ll figure something out. Once he’s better, we’ll find a way to make it up to-.”

She cuts him off and rests her hand on his. “Kaidan.”

“I’m serious,” he says.

“It’s fine. No one’s going to miss one box of medicine. We’ll be fine.”

“Thanks. We just keep hitting road block after road block. It’s like ever since we got here, everything’s gone to shit. How do you survive out here for ten years and all of a sudden have it all come crashing down?”

Rahna nods. “I know.”

“Never mind that. Look, there’s another reason I came.”

“What’s up?” she asks.

“A couple weeks ago, we were scouting that mall down in Back Bay, and we got overrun. John got hurt, Jane stayed back so I could help him get away, and she never came back.”

Rahna swallows. “I’m sorry. How’s John taking it?”

Kaidan blinks back his tears, and shrugs. “He’s dealing. I think he finally accepted that she’s not coming back, but it’s all up in the air, I guess.”

“How so?”

“When we went back to the scene, it’s clear she was hurt, but she got away. Like someone had rescued her, or kidnapped her.”

“I mean,” Rahna begins, “the Blue Suns hang around here. But one of our scouts said they found the leader’s body not too far from here. Looks like he’d been gnawed at by some of them.”

Kaidan raises his eyebrows. “What? In their base?”

She shakes her head. “No, just… out. Like on the street.”

Kaidan crosses his arms. “Oh. Because…”

“What?”

“Their leader? Tarak? Yeah, I killed him. But it was in their base, in the backyard. So, someone moved him. And… okay, when we were there, he mentioned something about another woman going around and taking his men out. Do you think…?”

Rahna stiffens. “You killed him?”

“He was going to kill John. I had no choice,” he says, sternly. Like he had no choice but to protect her by killing Vyrnnus. But this time, he’s not concerned for her approval.

“So you think someone moved the body? What about one of them?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I’m probably sounding crazy. But I know the woman they’re talking about isn’t Jane. But maybe the woman they are talking about knows something.”

Rahna thinks for a moment, and grows quiet, before she perks up again. “Wait… There’s a woman who comes around here sometimes and is always open to trading. Don’t know her name or anything, but she’s always around. One of our scouts said they spotted her the other day, but she wasn’t alone.”

“What do you mean?”

“She was with another woman. Not sure if it’s Jane or not, but you never know.”

Kaidan feels relief wash over him. Rahna’s right. There’s no way to know if it’s Jane or not, but part of him has to believe it is. Jane’s not dead. They would have found a body or something, but they haven’t Whatever happened to her, she’s out there. 

“Thank god.”

“Kaidan,” she says, resting a hand on Kaidan’s arm, “you know it might not be her. It’s not even great intel.”

“I know, but it’s something. What can you tell me about this woman?”

“She never gave us a name, but she’s got dark hair, blue eyes. Stunning. You’d know her if you saw her. Oh, and she has an Australian accent.”

“Huh, okay. Well, thanks. I… uh, should get going before John wakes up again.”

Rahna nods. “Of course.”

She’s quiet for a moment as he slips his jacket back on and pulls his gloves over his hands. Once he’s ready to head back into the cold, she pulls him in for another hug. He holds on back and shuts his eyes. 

“Be careful,” she whispers.

He nods. “Of course. You too.”

“And good luck finding Jane.”

He smiles. “Thanks. I know we’re going to.”

 

***

 

It’s later when Miranda and Jane settle around a fire in the minuscule backyard of some townhouse that Miranda starts to ask questions.

“So… your brother,” she begins.

“What about him?”

“What’s he like?”

Jane shrugs. There’s a lot of ways to describe John. He’s dorky, protective, kind of awkward sometimes, but also smart in ways he wouldn’t give himself credit for. He’s reasonable, and acts with his heart, not his head most of the time. 

“I don’t know. He’s like me, I guess. We’re pretty similar. I’m a little more responsible sometimes.”

Miranda smirks. “Right.”

“He’s… he doesn’t have a problem with most people unless you put the people he loves in danger. He’s easy to be around.”

“For you,” she adds.

“Well, yeah. Are you worried he’s like… not gonna like you?” Jane teases.

“Maybe.”

She leans back on the cold, lumpy ground and looks up at the sky. “Wow, Miranda Lawson, I never thought you’d ever be self-conscious about something.”

“It happens, believe it or not.”

“You’ll be fine,” she says.

“What about Kaidan?”

“He’s pretty similar too. He can be a bit hard to read sometimes, and sometimes doesn’t say what he means exactly. But it’s because he’s thinking through all the options, trying to determine how to keep us all alive. It’s what he’s good at. Taking care of people.”

“Do you think either of them will buy this plan?”

Jane swallows, and after a moment, she nods.

“Yeah, I do.”

“Really?”

Jane turns on her side and looks at Miranda. “Yeah. I mean, John will agree to it if he sees how confident I am in it. If he senses I’m in it one hundred percent? Absolutely. Kaidan just… if you have good enough logic, he’ll buy it. But… a lot can change in a few weeks. I don’t know what either of their mental states are now. Who knows what they’ve been through.”

Miranda nods. “Yeah.”

“But I think convincing the Alliance to give us the means of carrying out this plan… that’ll be the tricky part. John and Kaidan will buy into it. Maybe not right away, but they will.”

“Are you excited to see them again?”

Jane feels her eyes water and nods. “Yeah. I’ve… I’ve never been separated from John this long in my entire life. He’s _always_ been there. I just hope they’re still out there. You never know, right? They could both be dead, and I could keep looking for the rest of my life and never know what happened to him.”

Miranda reaches over and clutches her hand. She brushes a thumb against the back of Jane’s palm, and gives her hand a squeeze. Jane tries to swallow the lump forming in her throat. But it’s something she’s tried not to think about. Since the outbreak, she’s gone everywhere with John. She’s never _truly_ worried about him not coming back because she’s always been there. But now? Any number of terrible things could have happened to him. He could have realized she was dead, gotten reckless, got himself killed. He could have been swarmed, bitten, or shot by some scavenger. She has no reason to believe he’s alive, besides just wanting him to be. And if anything’s happened to Kaidan… she knows she’s never going to find John.

She feels tears drip down her cheeks, and sniffles them away. She has to believe he’s out there, or she doesn’t see much reason to keep going herself. She wipes her eyes, but it doesn't make it better. She wants her brother, she wants home — anywhere with him. She knows Miranda’s going to feel that way eventually, but it doesn’t change the fact that this hurts. 

She can’t get it out of her head that he could have died, that he and Kaidan both are dead. She thinks maybe she’s stupid for even hoping they’re still out there. She wonders what she’d even do in a world where John wasn’t there. Then it hits her that if he is still alive, he’s been living with the same thing. She needs to find him. Soon.

Miranda wraps her arms around Jane’s body and presses a kiss to the back of her neck. It only makes her want to cry more. Someone’s here, someone to comfort her, and it almost makes it feel like it’s easier to cry. She turns over and pulls herself into Miranda’s arms. It seems too natural, too easy for her to find a safe place here. She rests her head against Miranda’s chest, and Miranda weaves a hand in her hair.

“It’s okay,” she whispers, “we’re going to find them.”

She sniffles and it’s a terrible sound, gross and overworked, but she finds it in her to nod. She stops crying, but her hands still shake, and she doesn’t want to speak anymore. Miranda understands it without her having to say it. She kisses the top of her head and runs her hand up and down Jane’s back. 

“Thank you,” Jane says, and Miranda nods. 

“Of course.”

The fire begins to dim and doesn’t keep them warm anymore. Miranda sits up, and helps Jane up as well. She wipes away her tears and kisses her forehead. 

“Let’s go inside. It’s getting cold now.”

Jane nods, and grabs her things, and follows Miranda inside. They find the bed, and strip down from their jeans and jackets, before crawling under the covers. The sheets are hard and crunchy, but the mattress has maintained some of its usual bounce and comfort. It hardly takes a second before Miranda slides her arm over Jane’s body again and presses her forehead against hers. 

Jane swallows, finally feeling calm again. She reaches for one of Miranda’s hands and pulls it closer to her chest. 

“When we finally track down your brother,” Miranda begins, and it sounds like a _when_ not an _if_ , “how are you going to explain what we are to him?”

Jane smirks and kisses Miranda’s knuckles. “Someone I care about a lot? The smartest and prettiest girl in the world?”

“Oh, you flatterer.”

“Why? You want me to call you my girlfriend? Because I can.”

Miranda laughs now too. “Oh please, I wouldn’t let anyone call me that until they took me on at least one date. You’d have to buy me dinner first.”

“Hey, I got you noodles earlier-.”

“You stole noodles.”

“No one else was going to eat them. Finders keepers.”

“Fine,” Miranda says, “let’s go with ‘smartest and prettiest girl in the world’ then.”

Jane kisses her, long and slow, weaving her legs between Miranda’s. “Okay.”


	26. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shifty, sexy eyes emojis*

John is shocked to find that for the first time in days, it doesn’t hurt to pick his head up. He can breathe through his nose, and his body feels a normal temperature. He remembers Kaidan coming back into the house, and deliriously swallowing pills, but not much else. He’d been so tired and out of it that it didn’t all click to him. 

His eyes flutter open and he looks around. He spots Kaidan sleeping not far away, near the fire place. He looks exhausted, the scruff growing in thick on his cheeks and jaw, curls disheveled and unkempt, maybe even a little damp. His breathing is heavy, fast asleep. John doesn’t want to wake him.

He sits up as much as he can and his body creaks. He winces, and checks to see if he’s woken Kaidan up. Kaidan stirs on the ground and sighs. He rubs his eyes and turns over. It takes a moment, but when he sees John up and able to move, all of his energy returns. He rushes over to John’s side and slips himself between his legs.

“Hey,” he whispers.

“Hey,” John replies, cupping his cheek.

Kaidan looks up at him, and feels his head. No fever. His eyes water, and he slides his arms around John’s body, and holds him tight. John hangs on back and kisses the top of his head. The worst is over, and he’ll be okay. He rubs Kaidan’s back as he hears him collapse into tears again, soft though. Something relieved and happy this time.

“It’s okay,” John reminds him.

Kaidan nods, and breathes him in. He grips the fabric of John’s shirt tightly, and sniffles into his chest.

“What did you do?” John asks.

Kaidan picks his head up and wipes his eyes. “I went to Rahna. Every bit of medicine I found was expired, and I needed to get something for you.”

“All that way?”

“Of course.”

John cups his cheek and brushes his thumb against his skin. John doesn’t know what to say, and it’s okay, because Kaidan continues for him.

“I couldn’t let anything happen to you.”

John gives a tired smile and presses his forehead to his boyfriend’s. He swears he doesn’t know what he’d do if he didn’t have Kaidan.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

“Mmhm,” Kaidan says back, “I’m just happy you’re okay.”

John kisses his forehead and pulls him close again.

“I have more good news, I think.”

John strokes his cheek. “Hmm?”

“Rahna said she spotted the woman, you know, the one Tarak was talking about. And she was with another girl.”

John shuts his eyes and shakes his head. “K, you know Jane isn’t the only other woman in the apocalypse.”

“I know, but I feel like… I don’t know. I felt like it was good news.”

Kaidan looks up at him with such hope, with such a renewed sense of strength that he can’t help but sigh and kiss him again. He has no idea if it’s Jane, and he’s given up hope that he’ll ever see his baby sister again, but he’s grateful that there’s part of Kaidan that wants to keep pushing on. Maybe he won’t keep pushing to find Jane, but maybe he has hope again. John hadn’t realized how close he was to losing it.

“It might be,” he appeases. “Let’s not bank on it, but it’s good to keep in mind, you know?”

Kaidan — somewhat disappointed — nods. “Sure.”

“Thank you,” John says, gripping his hand. “For all of this. I might not have pulled through if it weren’t for you.”

Kaidan smiles. “One day, you are going to have to do a lot of repaying.”

“I hope not, but I’d be happy to care for you any day,” John begins, “I mean, you’re getting up there. You’re getting kinda old.”

Kaidan laughs and shakes his head. “You ass.”

“I’m just saying. Almost thirty. Soon you’ll need a hip replacement.”

“You’re the worst,” Kaidan argues, burying his head into John’s chest and holding on tight. John holds him back and runs his hand up and down Kaidan’s back.

“Yeah, but you still snuggle up to me like it’s no one’s business.”

Kaidan nods into his chest and squeezes him. “Mmhm. Always.”

 

***

Jane and Miranda step into the base, and Jane’s shocked, but also not so shocked to see that they take to Miranda better than they take to her. She supposes it makes sense. Last time they were here, she wasn’t particularly kind to Rahna, but she notes that she’ll be nicer this time.

It was just that she knew exactly what she’d done to Kaidan, and Jane found it hard to forgive. She thinks about being left behind, being left for dead out here, not as experienced as they are now. Jane’s always thought she was a pretty ruthless person, didn’t have much time for bullshit and acted before she thought. But she doesn’t imagine a situation ever arising where she could do half of what Rahna did.

When they’d brought Kaidan to their base to patch up his head wound and watch over him, there was part of Jane that wanted to tell Rahna to back off, that they’d handle it. He was one of them and didn’t belong to her anymore. 

“Jane?” Rahna says as she comes from one of the lower bunkers. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” she says. She wonders why Rahna sounds so shocked. Sure, her showing up without John and Kaidan is strange, but she wonders if there’s something Rahna knows.

“What are you doing here?”

“We’re scouting. Looking for John and Kaidan actually. I was injured and we got split up-.”

“I know,” she says, crossing her arms. 

“You do?”

“I do. Seemed like you were pretty dead.”

“How do you know this?” Jane asks.

“I saw Kaidan a few days ago,” she says.

Jane’s head begins to spin. Kaidan. Alive. They’re still _out here_. She gives a relieved sigh and Miranda grabs her hand. 

“He’s alive?”

“Yes.”

“And John?”

Rahna stiffens. “Kaidan said he was sick. It was why he came here. He needed medicine. But he did say your brother was somewhat on the mend.”

“What was he sick with?”

“Kaidan thought it was the flu, and didn’t want it to get worse.”

Jane’s heart begins to hurt. She should have been there. She should have been helping take care of him. She knows John was in the best hands, but part of her needs to be with him as soon as possible.

“That’s all? It sounded survivable?”

“I reckon if it were much worse, Kaidan would have wanted more than Tamiflu.” 

Jane nods and takes a deep breath. “Right. Did he say where they were?”

Rahna shakes her head. “No. He didn’t give me any of that. I just know he risked his life walking all the way here to get it. So, they can’t be terribly close.”

“Shit,” Miranda says.

“We’ll find them,” Jane asserts. “At least we know they’re alive.”

“And Boston’s not a terribly large city. I think he mentioned something about being near Downtown. But I’m not positive.”

Jane nods. “Okay, then we start heading that direction.”

“What’s been going on out here?” Miranda asks.

“Well, Blue Suns are taken out-,” Rahna begins.

“I know. Found their leader dead in their yard.”

_Yeah, and we let him get eaten a little bit,_ Jane thinks.

“Again, that was Kaidan.”

Jane raises her eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“Ask him about it when you find him. All I know is that he and John got rid of them.”

“Shit, okay. They’ve been busy I guess.”

“I’ll say,” Rahna continues. “Other than that, not much. Just the usual. Things have slowed down with the weather. Glad to see it all beginning to defrost a bit.”

Jane nods. “Me too. So, you think we’d be able to find them?”

“With John sick, I don’t think they’ll have gone very far.”

“Right.”

Miranda grabs Jane’s hand and gives it a squeeze. It’s hope. And it’s enough. Jane looks at Miranda and waits to see if she’ll talk, if she’ll tell Rahna about their cure. Maybe there’s medical supplies they’ll need, but Miranda stays quiet. Jane trusts that there’s a reason for it.

“Anything else you need?” Rahna asks.

“No,” Jane says, “unless Miranda’s got anything.”

Miranda bites down on her lip for a moment and shakes her head. “No, we’re fine, thank you. We’ll be going then.”

“Yeah,” Jane says, “hearing that John and Kaidan are alive is more than enough. We’ll find them. I know we will.” 

 

***

 

“Why didn’t you tell Rahna about the cure?” Jane asks.

Miranda shrugs and looks up from the fireplace. If she’s learned anything out here, it’s to never show anyone all your cards. Even people she knows she can trust. Not Rahna, not Jacob. She doesn’t plan on showing John or Kaidan all her cards either. She thinks Jane might be the first. She wonders if she’s already told her too much.

“The Alliance hasn’t even okayed our plan yet. Don’t want to reveal it to others until we know for sure.”

Jane nods. “I guess that makes sense.”

She’s been thinking about what they learned at Rahna’s all afternoon. Kaidan’s alive. And probably John too, then. She knew she’d remember the look on Jane’s face when Rahna said that for a very long time. It was pure joy, relief, too maybe. It was the kind of reaction she knew she’d have if she heard she could see Oriana again. Part of her knew she had to reunite Jane and John. She had to do it because she couldn’t save her own sister. It felt like a responsibility in a way.

But responsibility still wasn’t the right word. Maybe it was something else. Something softer, that she’d told herself not to feel anymore. Miranda figured it only took god knows how long being alone to realize she didn’t want to be anymore.

“Your brother and Kaidan could still opt to shoot me in the face. Or you. You do have a nasty scar on your neck.”

Jane brushes her fingers against the bite mark on her neck and smiles. “They wouldn’t. Well, not until I had a chance to explain.”

“You hope,” Miranda teases.

“No, I know. John wouldn’t do anything rash without thinking it through first. And Kaidan wouldn’t dare.”

Miranda nods and keeps looking at the fireplace.

“You know, we should try to see how long we can get John to believe I’m immune to the virus.”

Miranda starts to laugh. “What?”

“It would piss him off _hardcore_ if I were immune to the virus and he wasn’t. It’d be hilarious.”

“Or maybe he’d do something stupid like get bitten to try and prove you wrong.”

Jane smiles. “Maybe. I guess it’s good that I keep you around. Someone’s gotta be the smart one.”

“Is that all?” Miranda says, smirking. “The only reason you keep me around?”

Jane moves over her, and they lean back on the mattress strewn at the center of the living room. She wraps her arms around Miranda’s neck and presses her forehead against hers.

“No, definitely not the only reason.”

Jane kisses Miranda and weaves her hands in her dark hair, still damp from the shower. Miranda swallows hard and kisses her back, bringing her hands down Jane’s body. Her touch is so gentle, so hypnotizing and Miranda wonders what it would feel like bare skin to bare skin. Jane begins to inch up the bottom of her shirt, and Miranda notices, taking matters into her own hands and sliding the shirt over Jane’s head. Miranda eyes over the canvas of freckles on her skin and gives a smile. 

Jane is small, and very skinny. Of course, she knew that from operating on her and taking care of her after her injury, and she’d dropped quite a bit of weight during the recovery process. But then it was to save her life, not on display for her. But now that she is, she thinks that she’s beautiful. She knows Jane doesn’t worry about her looks much, or her appearances, and somehow it makes her more attractive. Maybe she’s just envious that Jane’s not trying to be perfect. She wishes she could live her life the same way.

Miranda pulls her back down and turns Jane over, kissing along her neck and holding her close to her body. Jane tilts her head back and lets her continue across the canvas of freckles. Jane lets out a soft moan and grabs at Miranda harder. Jane’s hands wander and find the buttons on Miranda’s shirt and begin to slip them through the holes. She wiggles her way out of her shirt and tosses it aside, and quickly gets to work on slipping Jane’s pants off. Miranda finds her body working faster than her brain. She wants this in more ways than one, but the terrified parts of her become overwhelming. 

Part of her knows she loves Jane, and that she shouldn’t hesitate to show her affection, but she wonders if she’s just been alone so long that she’s letting lust take over. And that’s the last thing she wants. But as Jane slides her pants off and begins to tug at the sleep shorts Miranda has on, she finds it hard to question it anymore.

“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Jane mutters between kisses.

Miranda shakes her head and lets Jane turn her over. It’s all too smooth and sexy, until Jane tries to take her sports bra off and elbows herself in the face.

“Ow, shit!” she mutters.

Miranda can’t help but laugh. “Sports bras are the worst.”

Jane rubs her cheek where she whacked herself and nods. “You’re telling me.”

She leans back down and presses her body to Miranda’s with a giggle.

“Your face alright?” she asks.

Jane nods. “I’ll survive.”

She kisses Miranda again, weaves a hand to Miranda’s back, and begins to unhook her bra. Miranda’s pleased it goes smoother than taking off her own. Jane moves her hand down Miranda’s body, tightening her grip as it finds her curves. She brushes her hands over her breasts and Miranda finds it shocking that Jane’s never been with a girl before. She knows what to do too damn well.

Jane kisses the side of her neck again, nipping and teasing the space below her ear and Miranda loses track of where her gentle hands go next. It’s all hypnotic and feels too damn good for her to care _where._

One of her hands slides lower, and pushes under the waistband of her underwear. Jane’s hand brushes softly against her first, taking care to find just the right spot. Miranda sighs heavily against her, and Jane kisses the side of her neck. She finds her center and begins to rub gentle circles against her. Miranda shuts her eyes and leans back as Jane carefully lures her deeper and deeper. She can’t focus on much other than the way Jane continues to kiss her and touch her, and the weightless feeling spreading all over her body.

Her toes begin to curl and she lets out a low whimper. Jane’s hips grind against hers and it makes her touch that much stronger. She swears all the contact in the world still wouldn’t feel like enough. 

“Good?” Jane asks, as if she couldn’t already figure it out.

Miranda nods, breathless, “So good.”

Jane smiles as Miranda shuts her eyes and sinks deeper into the mattress. Jane applies more pressure and Miranda drifts off into a fuzzy, euphoric delirium. She feels a tight sensation rise in her stomach and she arches her back. Jane grips her hand as she comes loose and kisses the back of her palm.

Still out of breath and numb, she feels Jane kiss her lower, across her chest, between her breasts, and down her stomach, and pushes her underwear all the way down her legs. Miranda can hardly believe she’s still not done. Jane nestles herself between her legs and presses soft kisses against Miranda’s thighs. She knots her hands in Jane’s still drying hair and guides her where she wants her most.

Jane finds her center quickly and Miranda lets out a gasp. Jane grabs her hips as she fidgets underneath her and slides her tongue against her body. Miranda digs her nails into Jane’s scalp, and instead of telling her to stop, Jane pauses herself and lets out a soft moan against Miranda’s skin.

“How,” Miranda tries to say, but is cut off by a long moan as Jane’s mouth begins to set her body on fire, “Are you sure you’ve never had sex with a girl before?”

Jane laughs and nods. “Pretty damn sure.”

She returns to Miranda and continues, harder this time, sensing Miranda teetering on the edge again. She can’t tell if it’s just been a _really_ long time since anyone’s been so close to her, or if the thought of Jane doing _anything_ to her is just enough to get her halfway there, but no one’s been able to put her in such a state so fast before.

“I’m close,” Miranda breathes, and Jane nods. She moves her hands up Miranda’s body, finding the curves of her breasts and brushing her thumbs over them. Miranda feels a string inside her come loose and she topples over the edge again, this time stronger than before. She reaches for one of Jane’s hands and squeezes it tightly as she rides out her high. Jane moves closer, wrapping her arms around Miranda’s neck again. 

Miranda takes a few seconds to breathe, before tilting Jane’s lips up to kiss her. It’s slow and Miranda feels herself drifting off and feeling completely at ease. Jane cups her cheek and strokes her thumb against Miranda’s skin.

“Now you’ve given me a lot to live up to,” Miranda says.

Jane smiles. “What’d I call you? The smartest, prettiest girl in the world? I think you can figure it out.”

Miranda kisses her again and turns her onto her back. She eases Jane’s underwear off her waist and down her legs, taking care to make contact and touch her wherever she can. She runs her hands up Jane’s legs again, and presses her lips to the hollows of Jane’s hips. She places kiss after kiss along her stomach, and up her body to her chest. She brushes her hand softly against the brutal scar in her side, and her lips rest just below the bite mark on her neck.

Jane watches her, breath hitching in her throat. She kisses Jane’s neck softly, her hands moving across her body. Jane lets out a soft gasp and presses her body harder to Miranda’s.

“Mm,” she mutters, “keep going.”

Miranda moves lower again, placing a trail of hot kisses against her body. Jane shivers at her touch and shuts her eyes. Miranda reaches her lower stomach and nibbles the soft skin there. Jane sighs and curls into herself.

“Stop teasing,” she says.

Miranda laughs, and kisses lower and lower, and moves to the inside of Jane’s thighs, not quite where she wants it. She presses kiss after kiss to her and hears her moan and tense up.

“Not what I meant either,” she groans.

“Oh, come on, not a fan of foreplay?” she whispers, sending the vibrations all over Jane’s skin. She leans her head back and sighs.

“Not at the moment.”

Miranda laughs, and moves between her thighs. Jane gives a content noise from the back of her throat.

“Mm, better. Much better.”

Miranda covers her with kisses and begins to find what makes her tick, what drives her wild and over the edge. Jane knots her hands in her hair, and guides her against her body. The rhythm that works for both of them. She takes cues from Jane that she’s doing the right thing, listening to her moan and feeling her writhe and gasp at her touch. She feels one of Jane’s legs wrap around her body and keeps her close. 

“Oh my god,” Jane gasps.

Miranda’s never found sex to be a terribly intimate or affectionate act before. The time never called for love or tenderness. In a lot of ways, it was always a release or an attempt to ease stress. Of course, there was touching, and kissing, and things other than the actual sex, but it didn’t feel like this before. It’s the first time for her that it feels like she’s genuinely sharing something with someone.

As she carefully works Jane toward a climax, Jane stays in contact with her the whole time. Miranda knows she’ll never get tired of her touch. Jane leans her head back and lets out a soft gasp. Her grip on Miranda’s hair tightens and she feels a sweat rise to her skin. And then her grip loosens fast and her breathing evens out. Jane takes her shaking hands and tilts Miranda’s head up, and brings her back up to her lips. She swallows hard, still trying to catch her breath.

“You… you learn that from those erotica novels?”

Miranda laughs and kisses the tip of her nose. “See? And you made fun of me for them.”

“I did not!”

“You kind of did,” she teases. “Who’s laughing now?”

“Not me,” she says, pulling Miranda in close for another kiss. She curls up with Jane, and rests her head against her shoulder. Jane’s hand strokes her back softly, and she feels her eyes beginning to close. Jane sits up a little, noting Miranda falling asleep. 

“Here, come on. Put some clothes back on. It’s going to get cold.”

Miranda reaches for the remains of her clothing, and pulls on the flannel she was wearing before. Jane tugs her sweatshirt back over her head and a pair of leggings, and covers them both with a blanket. She leans back down and invites Miranda closer again. Miranda rests down on her shoulder again and grips the soft worn fabric of Jane’s hoodie. Jane presses a kiss to her forehead and plays with her hair. She feels so safe, and unlike the way she has felt with anyone else before. She feels like maybe Jane might see her for something other than her looks, or for being perfect. She might see her as a person, and a person who she might truly care for.

Jane snuggles her closer and begins to drift off herself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (also pssst the next chapter has one of my fave scenes so far in it, be ready)


	27. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it! Took a break to work on some MEBB stuff, but I'm hoping to get back to semi-regular posting for this fic.
> 
> I know I say it every chapter, but honestly... this is my favorite and I'm really, really happy we're at this point in the story.

“I haven’t taken a bath in… well… a long time,” John says. “I don’t think I like this.”

Kaidan looks over at John, hardly fitting in the bathtub. With John sick, and Kaidan taking care of him there hasn’t been much time for self-care or keeping clean. Though, Kaidan had been taking care to shower sometimes twice a day to prevent himself from getting sick.

Kaidan desperately needs to shave, and offered to let John shower first. But then they discovered that the shower wasn’t working today… but there was a bathtub.

“You look ridiculous,” he teases.

John raises an eyebrow and tries to situate himself in the tub. He reaches for the bar of soap Kaidan sets on the side of the tub for him, and rubs it until it bubbles. He cleans the dirt and sweat off his arms, and dunks his head under water, running his hands through his hair. He resurfaces and wipes his face. Kaidan catches a glance as his auburn hair falls in front of his face, and makes him look like a second grader with a bad haircut before picture day. He smiles just as John pushes his hair out of his face. Jane said he had a buzz cut for most of his childhood, and teenage years, but Kaidan likes the longer hair much more.

Kaidan squirts a dab of hair conditioner into the palm of his hand, and rubs it along his jaw and up his cheek. John glances up as he cleans off his legs. 

“Come here,” he says.

“Um… what?”

“Come in here,” he repeats, forceful this time.

Kaidan raises an eyebrow. “I really don’t think I’m going to fit.”

John pulls his legs in and makes room. It hardly seems like enough to fit, but Kaidan’s willing to take his chances. He sighs, and slips out of his boxers, carefully stepping in. He slides for a moment, and John grabs his arm and eases him down to the tub. The water overflows just slightly and they elbow each other a few times just to make space. John starts laughing, but they eventually find a way for both of them to sit nicely in the tub.

“Now what?” Kaidan says.

“Gimme your razor,” he orders.

“You just want me here to shave my face? I mean, good luck. There’s a lot to get to work on.”

John bites down on his lip and nods, already grabbing the razor from his hand. He drags it along his skin, carefully, and Kaidan shuts his eyes. He lets out a soft hum of appreciation, unable to deny that it feels so good to have John’s hands on him in such a gentle way. 

“You’re so lucky you don’t have to do this that often,” he says.

John shrugs. “Well, clearly all the spicy food my dad said I should eat didn’t work out so hot.”

“What?” Kaidan laughs.

“You know, you eat something harsh and an older dude says ‘It’ll put hair on your chest!’”

“Ah,” Kaidan says, “yeah I guess it didn’t achieve its desired effect. Not on your face either.”

Though, Kaidan thinks, it doesn’t make the spare few strawberry blonde hairs on his chest or at the bottom of his stomach any less tempting.

John shakes off the hair on the razor and dunks it in water again. “Ah, here.”

He tilts Kaidan’s face to the side and brings the razor down his cheek again. He finishes half of his face, and brushes his thumb against the soft skin. John leans forward and kisses along the freshly shaved skin.

“Uh,” Kaidan begins, “you want to do the rest?”

John moves back and looks at the unfinished side of Kaidan’s face. He smiles.

“What if I left it?”

“I’d _hate_ you.”

“You can do it yourself. And you’d never hate me.”

Kaidan softens and nods. “I know. But seriously… do the other side of my face.”

John smirks and presses the blade to the other side of Kaidan’s face again. He drags it down and cleans the hair off his face, rinsing it off in the tub. John’s gentle, and makes sure to get every last bit of his overgrown beard. 

“Mm,” John says, “it’ll be so nice to kiss you now.”

Kaidan scoots closer to him in the tub and wraps his arms around John’s waist. His thumbs

Kaidan shuts his eyes and takes in how good it feels, until the razor snags along his jaw.

“Ah, shit,” he mutters.

John presses his thumb against the knick and applies pressure.

“Sorry,” John replies.

“It’s fine.”

“Not so bad,” John says, and pulls back his hand. The knick stops bleeding and he leans forward to kiss the side of Kaidan’s head. Except he slips, and ends up kicking him and splashing water onto the floor. 

“Ow! That was my spleen,” Kaidan laughs.

“Your spleen is rock hard then. I think I broke a toe, Jesus,” he grumbles. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

John cups the sides of Kaidan’s freshly shaved face, and strokes his thumb along his strong cheekbones. He thinks of all the times he’s come so close to losing John, and so many of them have been recently. He finds it so hard to imagine that in a moment of such peace and quiet, they could both be dead at any moment. He’s just glad that for now, neither of them are. 

Kaidan pulls him into a long, damp kiss and curls his fingers around the dripping locks of John’s hair. John sighs and bites down on Kaidan’s bottom lip. He swallows and goes in for another deeper kiss, and the two slide closer together.

Kaidan reaches for the bar of soap and dips it under the water. He rubs the bar over the rest of John’s skin and rinses it off for him. John looks down at the water and swirls away the stubble that’s fallen into the tub.

“Just remembered why I don’t like tubs.”

Kaidan smiles. “Because you’re sitting in your own dirt like a tea bag?”

“That, and everything stays here. I’m bathing with your beard.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I think you’re clean.”

“And you?”

Kaidan rolls his eyes. “John, I’ve _been_ showering. It’s not like you, being all lazy and sleeping all the time.”

John smiles back and kisses his nose. “You ass.”

Kaidan stands and reaches for a towel nearby, and rubs himself down before passing it to John and stepping back into the bedroom. Kaidan pulls on a pair of boxers and pants and John wiggles his jeans over his hips. John sits down on the edge of the bed, and Kaidan turns around. It’s been quite some time since they’ve had any peace, or quiet moments. He’s always liked mornings with John. Still fuzzy with sleep and warm under the covers, or holding one another as they tried to get dressed, making each step unnecessarily hard but pleasurable nonetheless.

“What are you looking at?” John says. His voice is still groggy and raspy from being sick, but at least he’s speaking.

“I just love you,” Kaidan replies, tugging an undershirt over his head.

“I love you too.”

“Gimme a few minutes?” Kaidan asks

“For?”

Kaidan steps closer to the edge of the bed and slides his arms around John’s shoulders. John glances up at him, and gives a tired smile.John pulls him onto the bed and they lean back against the stiff sheets and pillows. Last night was the first that they spent together in a bed in several days, with John sick and Kaidan always trying to stay nearby. It was a nice change and Kaidan was grateful to get a break from back and neck pain from sleeping on the floor.

Kaidan slides between John’s legs and rests on top of him. It takes a moment to get comfortable and not elbow each other, but they find it, and Kaidan slips his arms around John’s shoulders. He presses his forehead against his and shuts his eyes.

“Anyone ever tell you how handsome you are?” he whispers.

“Mm, you flirting with me?” John teases.

“I’d do much more than that.”

“God, I’m so happy to be back in commission,” John says.

Kaidan smiles and brushes his thumb against the curve of John’s lips. “Me too.”

He leans down and kisses him. He nibbles at John’s bottom lip and hears him gasp softly into his mouth. Kaidan weaves his hands in John’s damp hair and kisses him harder. John slides his hands lower and under the waistband of his boxers. Kaidan smirks and moves his lips down to the side of John’s face. He kisses along his cheekbones, to the tender space below his ear, and along his neck and throat.

John makes him feel like a teenager again, like he’s discovering things for the first time all over. They’ve been together for over five years, which is the longest relationship he’s ever had, and he knows he’ll be with John until he dies. But something about him… it doesn’t matter how long it’s been. Each kiss feels exciting and fresh, and like a privilege he can’t believe he has.

“I love you,” Kaidan whispers, in the spare moments that his lips come away from John’s skin.

“You said that not even five minutes ago,” John breathes, laughing.

“Doesn’t matter. I mean it. Never know when we won’t get the chance again.”

John’s grip on his waist tightens. “Yeah, you got that right. Because I think you’re about to kill me.”

“What?” Kaidan laughs. “Either finish you off or take a rest?”

John laughs too and pulls Kaidan’s lips back to his. “Damn right.”

“No sex,” Kaidan decides, “not now. You just got clean.”

“Should have opted for shower sex,” John says.

Kaidan shrugs. “It’s actually more of a mess in practice than you’d think.”

John kisses him again. Kaidan runs his hands down John’s body.

“I think today’s going to be a good day,” John finally says.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I have a good feeling. I don’t know what about. But it’s started off nice so far.”

It’s such a simple and sweet statement that Kaidan feels his heart swell. He leans his forehead on John’s and holds him tightly.

“Okay. I think we could use a good day.”

 

***

Miranda stops walking and takes in a deep breath. Jane watches her and waits for her to come to her conclusions.

“Smoke. You smell it?” she asks.

Jane sniffs the brisk air a few times and nods. It reminds her of their old wood burning fireplace back on the farm, that would keep the entire lower level of the house warm, and leave their bedrooms freezing cold in the winter when their dad didn’t want to turn the heat on and waste money. Those were often the nights where Jane and John would share a room, because two people could keep one warm more than one.

Then once they were on their own, they’d do anything to stay warm. She sometimes thinks about what her dad would say now that there wasn’t even the _option_ for heating systems most places. Maybe he’d think people were smart for saving money.

“Someone’s been living here. Either a campfire or a fireplace.”

Jane skims the old rooftops and eyes each chimney. She looks at the row of brownstones along the grassy park area, and spots one smoking.

“There,” she says. “Let’s check it out.”

They head toward the house with the smoking chimney and eye it over from the outside.

“There’s no need to go in if we don’t think it’s a threat. Could just be another group of survivors,” she says.

Miranda nods. “Yeah, true.”

As Jane goes to speak, they hear voices echoing down the barren streets.

“We’re not alone,” Jane says. Miranda looks to her and nods. She’s heard it too. Low talking. Men, specifically. 

“Yeah, stay close until we know if they’re friendlies.”

Jane nods, and follows Miranda as they move forward. She keeps on guard and follow the sound of the voices. Maybe they’ll lead them to more resources, to John and Kaidan. Then, instead of finding answers, they hear gunshots across the expanse of the street. Miranda yanks her behind a car as the shots are met with gurgling and grunting. 

“We got a few of ‘em,” she whispers. “Two other survivors. Can’t see where they are though.”

“So we take them out before we keep moving?”

“The zombies or the people?” Miranda says, with shock on her face.

“Zombies first. If they’re not friendly, them too. Could be some of Rahna’s people.”

Miranda nods, and pulls out her pistol. “Or maybe someone meaner.”

Jane peers out from the other side of the car, and begins to fire on the small hoard of zombies near the center of the street. These big, formerly luxurious streets make for great battlefields. Places to hide on both sides, cover all around, an open no man’s land to fight through. If their lives weren’t on the line, she might find it fun.

She can’t make sight of the other survivors, or how far away they are, but far enough that she only hears their shots as short pops. She suspects that they’re somewhere in the Common, hiding behind cover or something. One of the zombies goes down, and it wasn’t their own bullets. Jane looks to Miranda, and slides her another clip of ammo. As Miranda’s reloading, one of them grips her hair and tugs her over the car. Jane stands up as the creature struggles to bite at her. Miranda kicks it square in the face and it backs away, just enough for Jane to blow its head off. She takes Miranda’s arm and looks her over. No injuries. 

The shots end. One last zombie goes down inside the Common, and she waits for movement. None.

“We good?”

“We’re good,” Miranda replies. “Hang on.”

Miranda’s eyes move ahead of them. Two people step out of cover, from behind a large statue in the park. There’s no way they would have seen the people hiding behind cover in combat from this angle, but now that they’re in the open, Jane can see perfectly. She feels her heart tighten and her eyes fill with tears. She begins to move, and Miranda goes to grab her hand, but she’s already gone.

“Jane,” she warns.

From a distance, she watches her brother turn, and hesitate a moment, eyes full of shock, and shoves his gun at Kaidan. He picks up speed and begins to move toward her. Kaidan says something to him, but there’s no stopping him either. She doesn't even realize how quick she’s running — how quick they’re both running — until they collide. The shock of it hurts, and nearly knocks her off balance, but it’s the best feeling in the world. 

John pulls her into his arms, and holds onto her with a death grip. She wraps her arms around him and hangs on tight. She doesn’t know if it’s because she’s been gone so long — the longest she’s ever been away from him — but she suddenly remembers how much larger he is than her. He’s nearly a foot taller than her, and made of thin muscle and bone, while she’s always been short, and somewhat scrawny. But now, he feels more like when they were kids, before he outgrew her and became a man.

As he shifts a hand to the back of her head to cradle her against his chest, she realizes he’s crying. He's never been shy about it, not with her, but something about it hurts her now. All this time, he thought she was dead, and probably blaming himself for it, maybe blaming Kaidan for it too. All this time, he thought he would never get to see her again. He buries his face in her shoulder and grips her harder. She won’t let go until he’s ready to.

She senses that he’s taking his time trying to figure out if this is real, or if he’s seeing things. She feels his shaking fingers weave in her hair, breathing her in, slowly coming to the conclusion that this is real, and breaks into more tears.

She holds onto his jacket tighter and feels her own eyes water. 

“It’s okay,” she whispers. “It’s okay.”

He nods, and lets out a choked sob into her hair. “I didn’t think you were coming back.”

A few hot tears leak down her cheeks and holds him tighter. “No, I always come back for you.”

It takes some time for him to calm down, and she doesn’t rush it. She tells him she loves him countless times, and doesn’t pull away before he’s ready. Eventually, John pulls away from her and cups her face. His hands shake against her skin, like he still can’t believe she’s here. She can finally get a good look at him, and notices that he looks so different. He has a few new scars on his face, and his skin is paler, like he’s been sick or in pain. Part of her hates herself for being away so long, for letting this happen to him. She wipes his eyes for him and he gently tilts her face toward him, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She pulls him in again for another hug, one that feels less desperate, like they have time. She notices Kaidan rest a hand on John’s shoulder, letting him know he’s there too. He doesn’t let go just yet, but slowly, he backs off. Jane steps away from John, and goes to Kaidan. The hug takes him by surprise, but god has she missed him too. Kaidan hangs onto her tightly, and grips her jacket.

_Thank you for keeping him alive,_ she thinks. She knows Kaidan was probably the only reason John kept going.

“It is damn good to see you,” he says, holding her tighter for a moment, and letting her step away.

She backs away, and looks at the both of them. John’s wiped his eyes and looks like he can speak again. His shoulders don’t look like they carry the same weight, and she can’t help but notice how relieved he seems. In a way, she’s glad she didn’t have to see him at his worst. She knows it would have hurt too much.

“I know,” she says, “I look pretty good for dead.”

Kaidan rolls his eyes and John can’t help but smile. God, she’s missed the both of them so much. It doesn’t take much more than a second before John’s eyes drift to Miranda behind them, and he clears his throat.

“Right,” Jane says. “I’ve got someone you should meet. I think we have a lot to talk about.”


	28. Chapter 27

It’s about halfway back to John and Kaidan’s hideout that Jane notices Kaidan has his hand suspiciously close to the holster on his leg. He’d been perfectly happy to see her and have her return to them before, and John had been so obliviously happy she was back that he’d hardly broken from walking right next to her and turning to look at her every few minutes. It was like he was expecting her to vanish or for him to wake up from a dream.

Jane looks down at her shoulder, and sees that her jacket has fallen to the side, exposing her bite mark on her neck. That’s what’s tipped Kaidan off.

“Hold up a second,” he says.

Jane stops walking, and John does too. Kaidan reaches for John’s arm and pulls him a little closer to him.

“What are you doing?” John asks.

She turns around and faces him. John immediately notices that Kaidan’s about to grab his gun. John’s eyes widen, and he doesn’t even look back to her. Just at Kaidan.

“What are you doing?” John asks.

“Pull back your jacket, Jane,” Kaidan orders.

She swallows and looks to Miranda. “It’s not what it looks like.”

“Then what is it?”

John looks at the ground instead of her, like he’s blaming himself for being naive. It’s like he already knows what Kaidan’s going to say, what’s really going on here. He swallows, and looks up as she tugs back the side of her shirt and shows them the bite mark. Instantly, John looks like he’s going to be sick.

“What? What the hell?”

“It’s not what it looks like,” Jane says.

Kaidan narrows his eyes. “It sure as hell looks like you’ve been bitten.”

“I was.”

John runs his fingers through his hair and turns away from them. Kaidan watches John, and Jane knows he won’t do anything unless John lets him or tells him to.

“I didn’t come back to put you guys in danger or to hurt either of you. I was bitten, but look at it.”

“I am,” Kaidan says. “I see it.”

“It doesn’t look like every other bite mark out there, does it?”

“No, it doesn’t. But it still doesn’t make me feel good.”

“This happened at the mall. When we parted ways, I got attacked.”

Kaidan looks down, running ideas through his head. “That was weeks ago. Nobody has ever… Nobody lasts more than a day or two after being bitten.”

John looks up at Kaidan, both of them confused. John steps away from Kaidan and closer to Jane. Kaidan’s hand rests on top of his gun. Miranda hovers near her and Kaidan eyes her too. Jane knows they’ll check her down next. John pushes back the side of her jacket too and looks at the wound. He brushes his thumb over it, and flinches at the touch.

“It’s healed,” she says.

John takes another moment to look at it.

“I wouldn’t do this to you. You know that I wouldn’t. I was hurt badly, and the second I knew I’d been bitten, I was this close to killing myself because I’d rather have that than walk around like one of them. I passed out before I could. And then when I woke up… it’s a lot to explain, but you _know_ that I wouldn’t let this happen. Kaidan knows it too.”

She looks back to him, and his hand leaves his gun.

“So what happened?” John asks. “Are you immune or something?” 

She shakes her head. “No. There’s a cure.”

John swallows and shakes his head. “That’s impossible. Ten years out here and someone now finally has a cure? Where has it been this whole time? And how the hell do we know it would even work?”

“Because I’m standing right in front of you. If this cure was useless, I would be dead. You would have never seen me again. Or you would have. But I wouldn’t have been myself. I would have been one of them. But look at me… I’m not. I’m me, and I’m fine. It works. But we can’t do it alone. We need support from the Alliance, and we need a way to spread it and end this for good.”

“How?” Kaidan asks.

Miranda steps forward. “It was my doing. The disease. I worked for the corporation that created it, because of that I know how to fix it. I spent years trying to make this cure something that would actually work.”

“You _helped_?” 

She nods. “Yes.”

“So then why should we trust you?”

“Because,” Jane begins, “Miranda’s lost enough too. She’s willing to do whatever she can to make it right. But I need you both to believe me. I know you don’t know her and you don’t trust her yet, but _I_ do. I hope that’s enough.”

“You trust her?” John asks.

“I do,” Jane replies, “I completely do. John, I know I’m asking a lot here. I know that showing up when you thought I was dead is a lot on you, and telling you that I might know how to save the world isn’t exactly believable, and I’m sure I sound crazy. But I need you to believe me. I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this. Please.”

She wonders if maybe he’s still in shock, if he still doesn’t know what to make of her being alive. Maybe there’s part of him that broke off and shut down after losing her, and he doesn’t know how to get it back. Perhaps he doesn’t want to trust her because he still doesn’t believe it’s real.

She grabs his hands and gives them a squeeze. She wishes she could tell him that she’s doing all of this so he and Kaidan can have a normal life. She thinks of Miranda and Oriana and how she’ll live the rest of her life knowing she couldn’t save her sister, but she still has a chance to save John and give him a happy life. Then, it’d been all for him. She’d been so overcome with losing Thane, she didn’t care if she had a happy future herself. But his future mattered to her.

“I… there’s a normal life out there waiting for us, but I can’t do it without you.”

He looks up at her. There’s something missing in his eyes, and she just wishes she could fix it. It’s something childish, unreasonable, that she doesn’t know how to grapple with. Maybe it has nothing to do with the cure, or what they do moving forward. 

“And I won’t leave you again,” she says, “I promise.”

Finally, he squeezes her hands back and pulls her into his arms. She rests her head in his shoulder and hangs onto him tightly. He grips her tightly, and doesn’t let go.

“Don’t you dare.”

She shakes her head. “Never again. We do this together from now on, okay?”

John steps away and nods. “Yeah, we do this together.”

He kisses her forehead and turns back to Kaidan. Kaidan seems more on board as well. At least, he’s not ready to shoot her and Miranda.

“So,” he says, “a cure.”

“You on board too?” Jane asks.

“Well, I’m smart enough to not argue with someone who by all accounts should be dead, but isn’t. Who am I to say it doesn’t work?”

Miranda smiles. His response is exactly as Jane said it would be.

“What do we think the Alliance is going to say?” he finishes.

Jane shrugs. “I don’t know. If we can _prove_ it works, and come up with a decent plan to spread it? Might be doable.”

“Then the mission’s changed,” John says. “We’d have to head back to the Safehouse and talk to Hackett and Anderson about this.”

Kaidan nods. “Yeah, we would. We’ve scouted most of the city, and if we have a cure, what’s the point in putting our asses on the line out here?”

“No point,” Jane says.

“Good, then we’ll head back tomorrow,” John agrees.

 

***

 

“You good?” John asks, reaching his arm out to help Jane onto the roof.

She nods. “You act like I’m not half your size.”

He gives a smile and holds onto her as she sits down beside him. It feels like they’re kids again, sneaking out onto the roof when their parents were fast asleep and looking up at the stars. She leans against the siding of the house, and looks up. She hasn’t had a moment alone with her brother since they reunited, and she knows how much there is to say. Of course, she could tell John and Kaidan what happened to her, how they’d been scouting for them and trying to find them alive. But it’s different now that it’s just them.

They hear Kaidan and Miranda chatting down below by the camp fire in the back, and they seem to be getting along well. Kaidan was interested to learn the inner workings of the cure, and hear the science of it. Jane and John stared blankly, not having much clue what the words meant, but John was happy to see Kaidan’s eagerness to learn about it and move forward to ending the end of the world.

John is silent for a moment. What’s there to even say? He was expecting to never see her again, and had resigned himself to a life of being one half of a pair that’ll never be whole again. She’s sure that there’s a whole myriad of complicated feelings that come with that.

“Look at that,” he starts, “just like we’re kids again.”

She laughs. “Yeah. Except this time, nobody’s going to catch us and tell us to get the hell down.”

“Kaidan might,” he argues. “He’ll tell me I’ll break an arm or something, and that he doesn’t know how to fix that.”

Jane laughs too. “Sounds about right. Seems like you’ve given him some scares lately. Maybe give him a break.”

Jane looks up at the new scars on his face. A gash along his temple, a healing cut on his nose.

“Mm, yeah. It’s been… well, let’s just say if this cure is what you say it is? It can’t come soon enough. Got the shit kicked out of me, had a near death bout with the flu. I could use a long ass nap.”

Jane smiles. “You and me both.”

John’s quiet for a moment. “Yeah, well, you got stabbed and bitten by a zombie. So… you might win.”

Jane laughs and elbows him. “Well, to be totally fair… Miranda’s bunker? Where I was staying for a few weeks. I mean, fuck.”

“What? You stayed in a five-star bunker? What’d they have? Gourmet ramen or some shit?”

“No… she seriously had it made down there. Running water — hot water — food, a full infirmary. A comfortable mattress. Carpet that didn’t smell bad.”

“Oh, I see how it is,” he teases, “you nearly die and get the royal treatment. That’s fair. Can we go back there and chill for the night?”

She shakes her head. “Nope, gotta have one last night in a sketchy house to keep you humble before you get back to the Safehouse.”

John fumbles for words, like he doesn’t know how to say them or if it’s even okay to ask.Judging by that, she already knows what he’s about to say.

“So… Miranda…”

“Yeah, what about her?”

He shrugs. “Well, you said you trust her completely. Do you?”

Jane nods. “I do. There’s a lot of reasons that maybe I shouldn’t. There’s a lot of past in her past, and a lot of things that feel really raw, but I trust her. And I care about her.”

He raises his eyebrows. “Care about her? Like… _care_ about her?”

She hesitates. “We’re kind of together.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. So… you get stabbed and bitten by a zombie, live a life of luxury in an underground bunker, find a cure for the disease, _and_ get a girlfriend? All in a matter of a few weeks?”

Jane smirks. “Yeah, sounds like a lot when you put it that way.”

“You don’t say.”

“Now, you going to give me the big brother sex talk? Tell me to be safe and tell Miranda if she breaks my heart, you’ll end her?”

John leans back against the roof and stretches his legs out in front of him. “Well, no. At least neither one of us is getting pregnant. Unless this cure does something really fucking weird to us.”

She snorts. “Not that I’ve seen. But you approve?”

John glances over at her, and shrugs. “I guess so.”

“That’s it?”

“I don’t know her yet, Jane. I’m still a little iffy about her creating this virus, to be honest. I just… we’ve lost so many people. So many have died, and it’s hard for me to just forgive that easily.”

“I know. It wasn’t easy for me either. But maybe out here, we should measure people by who they choose to become and what they do moving forward. Maybe we measure people by who is willing to right their wrongs. I think Miranda’s trying to do that. I trust that she’s not pulling a fast one on us. We haven’t always been great people either, you know? You and me.”

He nods. “I know. You’re right.”

“So I just want you to try and understand her. Try and be helpful. I believe she can end this.”

“I can hold out hope,” he begins, “because if it means that nobody else has to die? If it means the world can go back to normal? I’m okay with that. I’ll do whatever it takes on just the _chance_. It’s better than sitting around living like this for much longer. The longer this shit goes on, the more we risk having to watch the people we love die. I’m hitting the point where I’m not capable of that anymore.”

She reaches over and rests a hand on top of his. He flinches, and she hears him sniffle.

“That feeling?” he says. “Waking up and you not being there? Thinking you were dead? I… I hope I never have to feel anything even close to that again.”

“I know. I spent every day I was recovering, every day we were scouting, just hoping we’d find you and Kaidan. As much as I can care for Miranda, this is different.”

He nods. “I know.”

She scoots closer and curls up against him. He holds her back and brushes his fingers through her hair. She shuts her eyes and imagines that none of this ever happened, that they were just innocent kids again, sneaking onto the roof to stargaze and talk where no one could hear them.

“Oh,” she remembers, “I have something for you.”

He sits up. “Okay.”

Jane reaches into her backpack and grabs the thick book she’s been carrying with her for weeks. Dropping it could have meant more supplies or less of a backache, but she wanted to hang onto it long enough to give to him. She never thought about leaving it behind.

“Miranda had a lot of books in her bunker. This one reminded me of you.”

He looks over the hardcover with the Pillars of Creation on the front, and flips through the pages with a sentimental smile. He opens to a page on the constellations and sets it between them.

“Here we go,” he says.

When they were kids, he knew every single one. He could point at the sky and tell her which formations were what, and knew when they’d change and be the most visible. She wonders how much of that he still remembers.

“So it’s February, so we should be able to see,” he begins, drifting off to look up at the sky. Finally, he points, “Canis major.”

She follows his finger to a formation he traces for her. She only partially sees it, but she likes watching him figure it all out.

“Oh, and Lepus. You see it? It kind of looks like a rabbit,” he says.

She makes that one out and nods. “Yeah, I see that one.”

“Ah, and that big clunky star not too far away. To the left. That’s Sirius.”

He laughs under his breath a moment and points to a formation of stars above it. “And up there, Gemini. The twins.”

She smiles back. “Yeah. Shame we weren’t born in February or March.”

He shakes his head. “No, actually Gemini is May to June. We were close, but not quite.”

“If this cure works,” she says, “if we can spread it on a wider scale. What’ll you do after?” she asks. She’s been thinking about it a lot herself, and she still doesn’t have her own answer. She wonders if maybe she’s just been with John this long because it’s the end of the world. What would their lives look like had they gone to college? Lived a normal life? Would they still be as close? Would they spend the same amount of time together? If the cure works and life can go back to normal, how will they be?

“Take a nap,” he responds. “A good long one. Probably with Kaidan. One where we don’t have to worry about time.”

She smiles. “Sounds nice.”

“What about you?”

“I… I don’t know yet.”

“So you believe so much in this cure, but don’t know what you’d do when it came?”

She shrugs. “I guess not. Maybe I did when I was with Thane. I had these ideas of him getting better, spending my life with him. Now, I just don’t know.”

“Maybe you’ll feel the same way about Miranda in time,” he adds.

“Maybe. Did you have those feelings about Kaidan right away?”

“What about Thane?”

Jane swallows. “Sometimes all the memories are so marred with grief, I don’t really remember.”

John thinks for a moment. “Not seriously. I did in an infatuation kind of way. But there’s a comfort that comes with being with someone for a long time. The butterflies change, you know? Instead of looking at them and feeling nervous and giddy, they feel like home. Even when everything around is shit.”

“Yeah…”

“You’ll figure out what to do with a normal life. I’m sure of it. Might take some adjusting after all these years of running, but we’ll all figure it out. But most importantly, you won’t have to be alone when you need to work through it.”

She nods. “Good.”

“We’re better together. I feel safer. I feel like a complete person with you around,” he says.

“Me too. A lot less lost. A lot less scared.”

“Exactly.”

She leans back on the roof as well, and gets as comfortable as she can up here. She knows they’ll go inside eventually, but it’s nice to have their own moment. They don’t need to say it to know it’s true. They’re both happy to be back, and they’re grateful to have one another again.

John leans back too and shuts his eyes. She looks over at him.

“Don’t get too cozy up here,” she chides, “if you fall off, I’m not vouching for you to Kaidan.”

He laughs. “Right. It’s my own dumbass fault.”

She nods and elbows him. “Always is.”

He laughs and groans. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“You may be older, but god, you are _so_ not the smarter twin.”

“Depends on the subject,” he argues.

“Stars, yes… common sense, no.”

He opens his eyes and looks over at her. He nods. “I think that’s a fair assumption. I can live with that.”

“Good,” she says, and settles back on the roof to look at the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So unfortunately because of school and MEBB being busy and chaotic, I've caught up with what I have written, and this is the last finished chapter I've got. So I'm going to try to get ahead and be on my game again, but updates may not come at the same routine every Friday! But have no fear. Exciting stuff is to come!


	29. Chapter 28

 

“Are they going to think I’m an enemy?” Miranda asks. They’ve been driving about an hour and are straight up in the middle of nowhere at this point. Jane offered to drive the first stretch, and Kaidan agreed to take over after that.

Jane smiles and shakes her head. “Look, five years ago, Kaidan brought me and John back, and we were ten times as angsty and cranky as you are. We were only there for a hot shower and because John wanted to get in Kaidan’s pants.”

“I heard that,” John mumbles from the backseat. Jane looks over her shoulder, where the two of them are relaxing in the back seat. John rests with his head in Kaidan’s lap, and Kaidan toys with his hair as he pretends to nap.

“It worked,” Kaidan replies.

“You’ll be fine,” Jane reassures her. It feels somewhat mean, but it’s cute seeing Miranda nervous. For someone so perfect and put together, it’s wild to see her so frazzled. “Trust me.”

“So who all am I going to be meeting?”

“Everyone,” Jane says. “There’s Anderson and Hackett, who handle operations. They’re both nice enough if you don’t fuck with them. Anderson’s like a big old dad. He just likes taking care of people. Hackett cares, but it’s sometimes hard to see.”

“I’m not totally positive his face is capable of emotion,” John begins, “but you know he likes you when he gives you a ‘good job’ or a ‘glad you’re back in one piece’.”

“Yeah,” Jane adds, “exactly that. And then you have Garrus, our resident sniper. He usually sits at the top of the Safehouse and scouts. Same with Ashley, she’s one of our best fighters. She joined up with the Alliance when she was just sixteen. She and Kaidan used to be scouting partners, and they’re like siblings. Same with James. Liara’s our intel expert. She and Sam decode communications that come through and help plan scouting and missions out in the field. Joker and Steve are our transportation experts, and Steve helps handle procurement chains and trade routes. So our new alliance with Rahna’s gang will be mostly his job. And Doctor Chakwas is the shit.”

Miranda smiles. “Okay.”

“Miranda,” Kaidan says, “seriously don’t worry. They’ll like you just fine, and we’re reliable people to vouch.”

“We’ve been gone so long that they’re probably going to be shocked we’re even coming back,” John says.

As they approach a mountainous area up ahead, the car hits a sharp bump, and sends them all in the air. John sits up and grips one of the handles on the side of the car, and looks out the back window at what they’ve hit. 

“What the hell was that?”

“I don’t know, but everyone okay?”

“Yeah,” he replies, “we’re good.”

Jane keeps driving, and after a few more meters, the car begins to wobble and tilt to the side. 

“Fuck,” Kaidan mutters under his breath, “we’ve got a flat.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” John says. “Right here, right in the middle of bumfuck nowhere?”

“Yep,” Kaidan says.

Jane puts the car in park and sighs. “Alright, then we’ve got to change it.”

She pushes open the door and gets out. Miranda follows, along with the boys. She surveys the car, and sees that the back left tire has a gaping gash through it. She walks a few feet back and sees a piece of old, rusted metal laying in the middle of the road, the likely culprit.

“You’d think someone could clear off the goddamn roads around here,” she says.

“Yeah, I hear that street cleaning in the apocalypse is a booming business,” Miranda replies.

Jane can’t help but smirk. “Right? Okay, John, you want to get to work with the jack?”

“My pleasure,” he says, rolling his eyes.

“Wait a minute,” Kaidan says, holding up a hand. Everyone goes quiet, and Jane hears it too. Gurgling and groaning. But she can’t identify where it’s coming from. She looks around and doesn’t see anything. Perhaps there are enemies hiding up in the mountains or in the trees, but Kaidan sets his sights on something and takes a few steps off the highway. Jane follows him and draws her gun.

He walks toward an open hole in the side of the mountain where a doorway is carved out and held up with wooden beams.

“Oh, well, that’s not creepy at all,” she says.

“Yeah, I just want to see…” he says, focused more on the entrance ahead of him than her. It’s pitch black, and there’s a set of tracks leading inside. Probably an old mine. And she’s seen more than enough horror movies her lifetime to know that they absolutely shouldn’t go in.

“Kaidan. This is a _terrible_ idea.”

“I know,” he says, and turns back around. “John, get started on the tire.”

“You’re so not going in there,” John says.

“I know, just… work on the tire.”

A low gurgle comes from inside the mine, and Kaidan takes a step back. Jane grabs the fabric of his flannel and pulls him back further.

“We need to stay away from this place.”

And then a shadow emerges from the darkness. Kaidan steps back and moves toward the car again, and draws his gun.

“John, get to work on the car. We’ll cover you.”

John grabs the tire from the back of the car and crouches on the ground with the jack. Miranda joins them and takes position with her and Kaidan. The shadowed figures grow as they approach them, and Jane realizes it means there’s more than one.

“I’m seeing at least five.”

“We can handle five if we keep a distance,” Kaidan says. He doesn’t get to finish before one runs at them. It charges and he fires, striking it in the chest, but not enough to take it down totally. They continue to fire as the creatures emerge from the darkness. Jane turns back to check on John, who has gotten the car lifted enough to change the tire.

“How’s it going?”

“I’m getting there. Just keep shooting.”

“I’m out of ammo,” Kaidan says.

Jane reaches to her belt and tosses him more, and focuses on a zombie rapidly approaching Miranda. She fires a round through its head and blood sprays onto the ground in front of them. Up ahead, Jane notices something near the entrance to the mine.

“Cover me!” she yells.

Kaidan eyes her warily, as she steps forward and gets closer to the hoard. Miranda follows her and shoots whatever moves closest to her.

“What are you doing?”

“We can blow that entrance and slow them down!”

“So we’re going to get close to it?”

“Yep,” she says, moving behind a rock. She turns around and sets her sights on a box of dynamite just at the entrance of the mine. Miranda keeps firing and swapping out her ammo, taking point for her as she steadies the gun on the box. She takes a deep breath in, and thinks about Thane. She shuts her eyes a moment, and imagines what he would do if he were in her place. Thane hardly ever missed. 

She opens her eyes and fires. She sees the box shake, but no explosion just yet. She fires again, and this time, the blast echoes across the landscape, and throws her back. Rocks fall and cave in the entrance to the mine most of the way. Miranda’s knocked back and covers her head as rubble flies toward them. Several zombies grunt and mewl as the cave in crushes them. A few trapped on the other side reach through cracks, but will never manage a way through. At least not while they’re around.

Kaidan fires on the remaining zombies, and they collapse. Jane passes one, which Kaidan’s shot in the head. Its skull is half blown off and she can see decayed brain slipping out. She raises her boot and crushes the remains of its head. She looks into the mine, where a few still struggle to get out. She picks up a stray stick of dynamite and takes the lighter from her back pocket. She lights the fuse and waits a few seconds before rolling it deep into the mine.

Jane hardly hears or feels the blast, but hears more rocks crumble inside. She turns back around and goes to Miranda, tending a cut on her cheek. She reaches a hand out and pulls her to her feet.

“You good?” she asks, examining the scrape.

“I’m good,” she says.

Jane reaches into her backpack and grabs a cloth. She presses it to Miranda’s cheek and holds it there a moment.

Kaidan approaches them and looks at the mine entrance. He holsters his gun and pauses.

“You _really_ like blowing shit up, don’t you?” he asks.

Jane shrugs. “I mean, it’s kinda fun.”

“Yep,” John yells from back at the car, “totally fun. I’ve been having a _great_ time.”

Kaidan smirks, and goes back to the car. “We can help now”

“Nah,” he says, groaning and lowering the jack. “I got it.”

“So we’re good to get driving again?” Jane asks.

Kaidan nods. “Yep. My turn to drive.”

 

***

 

As the car pulls up to the Safehouse, Garrus yells down to the rest of them that they’ve made it back. With a car this time. Kaidan swings the car back around to the parking lot and hops out. There’s an eerie silence surrounding the Safehouse, and he can’t put his finger on it. He knows that in some ways, the Alliance wasn’t expecting them back. It wasn’t a suicide mission, but no one would be shocked if they hadn’t managed to come back in one piece, or have all _three_ of them back. 

“Holy shit,” Joker mutters as they step out of the car. “Guys, they made it!”

Steve emerges from the garage, looking shocked, but relieved to see them back. People trickle out, and come to greet them and begin to unload the car. Anderson steps outside, and immediately, his shoulders sag in relief and he greets them.

“It’s damn good to see you back in one piece,” he says.

“Yeah,” Kaidan replies, “you too, sir.”

He hugs John and Jane, and then looks to Miranda. Jane clears her throat and pushes Miranda forward a bit.

“Guys, this is Miranda. She’s… gonna help us. We’ve got a lot to talk about.”

Anderson raises an eyebrow. “Uh huh…”

Ashley steps outside and quickly runs to Kaidan. She throws her arms around him and he takes her in. The night before they set out for Boston, he stayed in her room with her because she wanted to make sure she had time with him, in case he never came back again. He promised her he would, because he always managed to find a way back. But Ashley wasn’t so convinced.

Kaidan holds onto her tightly and she grips the fabric of his shirt. 

“Thank god you’re back,” she whispers.

“I promised you, right?”

She nods and steps away to greet the Shepards. Anderson clears his throat.

“You ready for a debrief right now, or you want a rest first?”

Jane nods. “Let’s get to it now. This is important.”

Several minutes later, they assemble in the War Room. It’s _everyone._ Every fighter and scout, and intel expert stands around the table, and Anderson gives Miranda and Jane the floor. Kaidan feels his anxiety bubbling, and he doesn’t know if he’s even going to fight and defend their plan himself. Part of him wants to believe, because he’d give anything for a normal life again, but he knows what it might cost them. If he thinks Boston was difficult, he doubts they’ll all make it out of this mission alive.

“Alright,” Jane begins, “I’m going to cut right to it. There’s a cure for the virus.”

Muffled whispers echo around the room, and Kaidan surveys. Ashley crosses her arms and waits for more. James looks to Ashley, and doesn’t get much. Ashley looks to Tali, who clearly doesn’t know what to make of it either. Doctor Chakwas rubs her chin, and Liara definitely doesn’t buy it. Hackett looks like he’s seen a ghost, and then seconds later, like he’s about to roll his eyes. 

“Excuse me?” Anderson asks.

“There’s a cure for the virus, and we want to find a way to spread it and end this.”

Kaidan shoves his hands in his pockets. It’s very much so Jane’s style to come out and say things and be this blunt. It’s John’s style too. Though he’d shake a little more when he speaks, and would probably shut up the second someone says it’s a dumb plan. But not Jane. She’s going to fight like hell for this.

“We’re going to need a lot more information, Shepard,” Hackett says.

“I know. So we’ve got it. Miranda?”

Miranda clears her throat, and pauses a moment. Kaidan finds it hard to believe someone like Miranda could be _nervous_ about something, but then again, he thinks he might not know the whole story. 

“Uh, so my name is Miranda Lawson. My father’s name is Henry Lawson and he worked with a cooperation called Cerberus for years. I was brought up with it all around me, me and my sister. About twelve years ago, they started experimenting with controversial, underground genetic enhancements, and they thought they had found a cure for aging and an immunity to many human diseases. But… they didn’t. What we got instead was the virus. They…”

Miranda trails off and Kaidan notices that Jane’s tensed up. Whatever Miranda’s about to say next, they clearly don’t know already.

“They tested it on a small town — Mindoir — and when they saw what it could do, they saw a new purpose. Anyone who survived was clearly among the best humanity had to offer, so… they let it spread.”

Kaidan turns to John, and can’t read his expression. He looks to Jane, but she doesn’t make eye contact. John digs his nails into his arm and bites down on his lip. Kaidan thinks of what he could say to him to make it any better. He could tell him that it would have hit their town anyway. That he’s lucky. If he and Jane hadn’t been away that summer, they could have been one of the first victims of the virus, but now they’ve made it ten more years. How somehow, this shitstain of a world brought them together. But he wonders if any of that would make it better.

“I left them the second I saw they weren’t going to stop-.”

“You _helped_?” Garrus interrupts.

People whisper around the room, and the mood changes. Jane interrupts.

“Yes, she did. But look, she’s here now and she wants to fix it. She was no more than a kid when she helped them, but she took everything she had and ran and spent the last several years trying to find a way to make a cure. That’s what we should be focused on. She knows the locations of their bases, and how to get in and take them down.”

“And how do you know that it works? Jane, you know we trust you, but we’re going to have to see some solid proof before we send people out there to do this,” James says.

“I know,” she agrees, and tugs the side of her shirt back. Several people gasp as she reveals the bite mark on her neck. Kaidan watches Hackett lower his hand to his gun, and Anderson steps closer to her.

“It’s healed,” John says before anyone else can. Kaidan’s surprised to hear him speak after what Jane shared about Mindoir. “She was bitten weeks ago, and she’s still here. We’ve never seen someone last more than a few days after being bitten. It’s scarring and healed over.”

“But what if it’s some kind of—,” Liara begins.

“No. Look, I like you all just fine, but I won’t let any motherfucker shoot my sister, okay?”

“Son,” Anderson begins, “obviously Jane’s still standing and her bite mark doesn’t look like anything we’ve seen before, but we do need more proof. I want to see it work first hand, or have Doctor Chakwas take a look at it before I risk sacrificing any of you to do this.”

“Too bad we’re fresh out of zombie prisoners,” Ashley says.

Kaidan smirks and looks away. Then, a scream echoes down the halls. The entire room turns, and John and Kaidan move toward the door. Gurgling rumbles down the main hall from the other side of the building, and glass shatters on the floor.

“Shit,” Anderson says. “Something got in. Nobody’s been watching the roads.”

Something heavy sends a deep rattling through the Safehouse, and it takes Kaidan a second to realize it’s the vents.

“They’re not coming from the roads,” Kaidan says. “They’re coming from below.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dun dun dun.....


	30. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back from my vacation, and ready for another update! Hope you guys enjoy! :)

 

When Kaidan first moved into the Safehouse, he spent weeks memorizing maps of the school and the surrounding landscape. He didn’t know why, but somehow, learning all the ways out of a place calmed him back then. It calmed him now too, but in a different way. He was waiting for the Alliance to turn on him, to throw him out. He wanted to know what his plan was if they threw him to the wolves and left him on his own after Rahna had done just that. But they never did.

In the pile of maps he studied, there was also a map of local electric grids and the sewer system. It was how he knew immediately that there was an entrance to the sewer tunnels directly connected to the building. He always thought that if the building came under significant attack, that would be a safe bet out. He stupidly hadn’t expected that it would be something else’s safe way in.

“Keep all non-combat personnel in the War Room, and we’ll leave Jane and John behind to guard them. Any other fighters in the base are to search the area and find the source of the breach,” Hackett orders.

John pulls his gun and goes to stand near the door with Jane. Kaidan goes up to John and hesitates a moment. He doesn’t like parting ways with him, or knowing that he’s in danger elsewhere. 

“I’ll be fine. We’re going to block up the doors and make sure nothing gets through the vents.”

Tali approaches them, and hands both John and Kaidan a walkie-talkie. “There. Keep to channel four, and report back on what you find.”

Kaidan nods. “Thanks, Tali. You make sure everything stays up and running, alright? And if we lose power somehow, make sure you’re ready with floor plans.”

“Of course. Be careful.”

“Kaidan,” John says, low… something just for them, “make sure you come back.”

“Always do.”

Ashley steps up near them and passes Kaidan a few more rounds of ammo. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he comes back in one piece.”

Kaidan and Ashley step toward Anderson as he begins to send the fighters to parts of the Safehouse to scout and rescue the crew stuck on the other side. 

“Sir,” Kaidan says, “they’ve got to be coming from the sewers. Garrus would have seen them coming for miles. They took alternate means into the building and they’re getting into the vents through the basement.”

“It makes sense,” Garrus replies. 

“It does,” Anderson begins. “Then we’re going to send scouts throughout the building. Recover whoever you can. If they’ve been injured, bring them to the infirmary. Leave the dead for now, and we’ll handle burial once we’ve secured the Safehouse. Garrus, you tackle the east wing, James—the west. Alenko, Williams, will you guys handle the basement?”

Kaidan nods. “Yes, sir.”

“Move out,” he orders. 

Ash and Kaidan begin to make their way toward the basement entrance. Absolutely nothing moves, and the crew has clearly implemented lockdown procedures. All Kaidan can hear is the faint gurgling of zombies throughout, and the thumping of creatures making their way through the vents. It bothers Kaidan to not stop and look in every room on his way down, but he hears James and Garrus begin to do just that.

“Kaidan, you there?” John says over the walkie-talkie.

“I’m here,” he replies. “What’s up?”

“Just checking to make sure these things work.”

“Of course they work!” Tali yells at him.

Kaidan smiles. “I didn’t doubt you, Tali.”

“Thank you,” she replies.

As he and Ash move toward the basement, she clears her throat. “Well, this must be a downer.”

“Uh, yeah, you can say that again,” he replies.

“I mean, usually you say hi, and then go shower and ‘nap’.”

“Ashley, please…”

“I’m not wrong, sorry.”

“Well, fine, color me disappointed. I was looking forward to my nap. A real nap. Not your weird ‘nap’ in quotation marks,” he teases.

“Sure.”

“No… really this time. I… I honestly didn’t think we’d make it back some days.”

She swallows. “Yeah, me either.”

He glances over at her, but she’s already shaken off her concerned demeanor. He knows what she’s thinking though. It used to always be the two of them, and they never worried about the other making it back home. Now, every time one of them leaves, that feeling of dread is there. He wonders if this is how Jane and John feel about each other. Ashley is the closest thing he’s ever really had to a sibling.

Ashley pulls open the door to the basement and they examine the stairwell down. It’s dark, and Kaidan can make out soft hissing somewhere down there. Down the hall, he hears gunshots, and Ashley pulls him down the steps. He presses the flashlight on his belt on, and they make their way down.

“There’s a gate that leads into the basement near the back. If that’s come open, then we know how they’re getting in. If we can get it closed, then we can contain the situation.”

“We’ll need more than a gate in the future, though,” Ashley says.

“I know. But right now it’s what’s most important. Stay close to me, and stay away from the walls.”

Kaidan makes his way down the steps, and finds the bottom. He picks up his flashlight and shines it in the direction of the gate. Ashley follows close behind him, and he swears he can hear both of their hearts beating.

Behind them, something croaks and Kaidan turns slowly, and focuses his flashlight on the sound. A grizzly and decaying corpse appears behind Ashley, and he only looks at it for a split second before Ashley blows its head off.

A myriad of sounds ring out in the pitch black basement. Something falls of a shelf, another creature groans nearby. One of them kicks something. Ashley curses under her breath.

“Tali,” Kaidan whispers into the walkie-talkie, “any chance we can get a little light down here?”

There’s a crackle, and then, “There should be a circuit breaker near the gate.”

“Good, so we traverse the whole creepy basement to get there.”

“Sorry,” she replies.

Ashley reaches for Kaidan’s shirt and moves closer to him. Kaidan takes small steps forward, feeling everything in front of him before he moves. He keeps the flashlight directly in front of them and sees the shoved open gate in front of them. Then, he picks up speed. The gate was mostly rusted shut, but not locked. A single padlock sits untouched on the gate, and Kaidan sighs in relief. If they can secure the gate, then the biggest issue is clearing out the ones that have already gotten in.

“Here, take this,” he says to Ash, before passing her his flashlight and gripping the gate. He begins to pull the gate closed but the rusted bars and gears make it nearly impossible. He keeps pushing, and finally, there’s some movement.

“West wing secure,” James says. “Moving upstairs.”

“War room holding steady,” Jane replies. Gunshots echo in the background. “Basement squad?”

Ashley reaches for the walkie-talkie on Kaidan’s waist and responds. “We’re here. Found the source of the breach and working on it now. Tali, where’s that circuit breaker?”

Kaidan continues to push the gate shut, and hears distant gurgling coming from the end of the tunnel. His heart rate picks up, knowing they’re coming this way. He doesn’t have much time to shut the gate now, and he hopes even if he does that it holds. Kaidan can make out that the creature is getting closer, but with Ashley looking for the circuit breaker, he doesn’t have much light at all.

The gate shuts nearly all the way, when Kaidan feels a decaying hand grab him. Ashley shines the light on him, and gasps.

“Kaidan, back away!”

He remains at the gate, and forces it the rest of the way shut, holding on to secure the padlock.

“I gotta lock this!”

“Kaidan, move!”

He fumbles with the lock, and feels wrinkled flesh grazing against his face. All he can smell is dead body, and he knows what he’ll find looking back at him if he looks up. The creature shakes at the gate and hurls its body at it over and over again, each time shaking Kaidan’s resolve to stay. Finally, the lock clicks into place and he takes a step back. Ashley pulls out her pistol and fires a round into its head.

“Gate’s locked,” Ashley says.

“Good,” John replies.

“Ash, where’d you say that circuit breaker was?” Kaidan asks.

“Over here,” she says, guiding him in the direction. He pulls out his flashlight and begins to survey the array of switches. He finds one labeled “basement” and it doesn’t do anything.

“Fuck,” he mutters.

“Try another,” Ashley says.

“I’m not seeing another basement switch.”

Something whirs in the bowels of the basement, and Kaidan turns around. He watches as slowly, the lights flicker to life. Though, slowly is an understatement. He sees that they work, and that they’re _trying_ but it’s not helping much.

“Ash? You still there?” he asks.

“Yeah, right here.”

Kaidan turns around and searches for Ash with the flashlight. He finally finds her, standing up against the gate, and takes a few steps forward. A low gurgle comes from within the basement, and he stops and looks around. Nothing. He takes a step forward when he swears he feels something touching him. 

“Kaidan…” Ashley begins.

“What?”

“You’re not touching me, are you?”

He flashes the light on her again, and she stands against the gate, paralyzed. He looks her up and down, and she isn’t wounded, but thenhe sees something off. Bony fingernails and decayed flesh rest on her side, and he follows the arm back to the same monster she shot moments before. Skull half blown off, an eyeball leaking down one side of its face… 

“Ashley, move!”

Kaidan steps forward and grabs her shoulder, only to see another hand come out from behind the gate and grab Ashley by the neck. She struggles to remain as calm as she can, but he hears her whimper in fear. The zombie grips her throat tighter and Kaidan raises his gun. Ashley begins to fidget away in a panic.

“Kaidan, shoot it!”

“I’m trying!” he says. “Just stop moving!”

Ashley tries to tug herself away, but this time, she lets out a cry of pain, and Kaidan watches her side fill with blood where the creature’s nails dig into her skin. She cries out in pain, and Kaidan can sense she’s on the verge of tears. Kaidan steadies the gun on the monster and fires a shot. It hits the creature in the shoulder, and only enrages it more, and pulls Ashley against the gate harder. His flashlight falls in a panic, and he drops to the ground to find it.

She reaches behind her and shoves her fist at the creature, clocking it in the face. It allows her some distance, and Kaidan fires again, and this time, the creature goes down. Definitely dead this time.

Ashley collapses to her knees and pulls herself against a wall as the lights begin to come up in any reasonable capacity. She whimpers and grips her side. Kaidan crouches beside her, and looks around the basement. Now that they’re visible, he can see whatever other monsters are down here with them.

“Kaidan, take care of them first,” she says.

He turns and aims his gun at one of the stragglers making its way toward them. He unloads a few bullets into its body before it collapses, and focuses on the next closest. It goes down after one bullet to the head. That’s all he can see for now, and hopes he’s not missing yet another. He waits a moment or two to see if they’re really dead or not. When none of them move, he turns to Ash.

The lights finish coming on overhead, and he can see what’s happened much better. She covers her side with her hand, but blood slips through her fingers, and she’s struggling to breathe.

“Lemme see, okay?” he asks, keeping his voice low.

She whimpers and doesn’t take her hand away from her side. Kaidan cups her face and strokes her cheek with his thumb.

“Ashley, let me see. I just want to help.”

“No,” she replies, and her voice cracks.

She winces in pain and shuts her eyes. Kaidan loops an arm around her back and holds her up, shifting her into his arms. His shirt fills with warm blood immediately, and she cries out at the movement. She holds onto him anyway, despite her pain, and rests her head against his shoulder.

“Okay, we need to get you to Doctor Chakwas. You’re losing a lot of blood.”

“Don’t… don’t touch it.”

“Shh,” he says, cradling her close and heading for the stairs. “I promise it’s going to be okay.”

She grips his shirt, and tries to follow his breathing patterns. He carefully brings her up the stairs and into the main corridor, where Jane and Miranda are scouting.

“What happened?”

“One of them grabbed her. I think it’s just a scratch, but she doesn’t look too good.”

Miranda moves closer, and Kaidan pulls Ashley’s hand away from her bleeding side. He looks down at her and sees her lips turning blue, and she’s beginning to shake. Her wound is bad, but it’s not that bad. If she’d been shot, especially somewhere essential, he’d understand. But this seems uncharacteristic for the type of wound.

He rolls up the bottom of her shirt, and right beside the gash marks left by the creatures nails is a bite mark. It oozes and bleeds, and the skin underneath is red and inflamed. He’s seen people get bitten in the past, but it’s never been someone he cared so much about. A feeling of pure helplessness spreads all over his body, and all he can do is beg for someone to help her.

“Oh my god,” he whispers. 

“She’s been bitten,” Jane says.

Anderson and Hackett rush out of the War Room, and stop when they see the scene in front of them. Hackett’s hand hovers over his gun, and Kaidan knows he’s just following protocol. If someone’s bitten, they need to be put down immediately. It’s how it’s always gone, and the rules can’t change just because he loves Ashley.

“Please,” he says. His eyes haven’t had a chance to well up with tears yet, but they do now, “don’t do it.”

“Kaidan, you know how it has to go. She’s been bitten, and she _will_ turn—,” Hackett begins.

“Unless we show you that the cure works,” Jane says. 

Kaidan looks up and waits for her to continue.

“We can give it to Ashley, and if you keep her alive, you can see exactly what this does and why we need to spread it immediately.”

“What’ll it do to her?” Kaidan asks. 

“Nothing. It’ll just stop the virus from working. She’ll live,” Miranda says.

“She’ll be the same person… completely fine?”

“I’m fine, aren’t I?” Jane says.

He nods. “Yeah.”

Jane rests her hand on his shoulder. “Kaidan, she’ll be okay. You just have to trust us.”

“Okay,” he says, “do it.”

Miranda crouches next to them and opens up her bag. She pulls out a case, and a single syringe from inside. Kaidan thinks for a moment. Is it worth giving Ashley the cure if it will kill her another way? Or if she won’t remember who she is or who anyone else is?

“Wait…” he says, “what’ll it do to her?”

“Cure her,” Miranda says. 

“No trade offs or catches?”

Miranda shakes her head. “No. She’ll be perfectly fine.”

“Kaidan,” Jane says, “let her do it.”

He nods and lays Ashley on the ground. He backs away for a moment and watches Miranda roll up her sleeve and find a vein in her arm. He reaches for Ash’s hand and holds on gently. Miranda plunges the syringe into her arm, and injects the entire dose into her. There’s no dramatic reaction, and Ash remains exactly as she is.

“That’s it?” Anderson asks.

Miranda nods. “It needs time to work, and it’ll knock her out for a while. But when she wakes up, she’ll be okay.”

Anderson turns to Hackett, who rubs his chin. He sighs. “Okay, take Williams to the infirmary and have Doc patch her up. Miranda, I want you there too. If we see any signs of the virus breaking through, don’t hesitate to follow protocol.”

Kaidan scoops Ashley into his arms, and carefully carries her down the hall to the infirmary. He rests her down on one of the beds and backs away.

“Kaidan, give us some space, okay?” Doctor Chakwas asks.

“I…”

“Please. You know I’d never let anything happen to Ashley.”

He nods. “I know.”

“She’s going to be fine. Go find John and have him help you get cleaned up.”

He looks back at Ash, and knows she wouldn’t even be in this situation if he’d been more attentive, faster. He never grew up with siblings, and she’s the closest thing he has. No matter what happens, even if he has nothing to do with it, if anything happens to her, in some way, he’ll always blame himself.

“Okay.”

 

***

 

Kaidan sits beside Ashley’s bed, and feels just on the edge of sleep himself. He knows that his first night back at the Safehouse should be a relaxing one. Usually, it consists of crawling into bed with John, getting up to other trouble, and sleeping well into the next day. But their walls feel less secure now, and he can’t go to bed when he knows Ashley is down here alone. At the very least, he wants to talk to her before he gets any sleep.

So instead, he sits with her, in an uncomfortable chair, holding onto her hand. The sun’s gone down when the door opens just a bit and John steps in. He’s showered and changed out of his clothes, and has taken some time to take care of himself. He’s glad that at least someone’s enjoying their first day home.

He slides his arms around Kaidan’s shoulders and rests his head on top of his. He kisses him and lets out a long sigh. Kaidan shuts his eyes and leans into him. He smells so good, like fresh soap — a new scent, something warm and vaguely minty — and his cheeks are stubble free. 

“How’s she doing?”

“Fine. Miranda says she’s mostly just sleeping it off for now.”

“Good. I got us clean sheets upstairs.”

Kaidan gives a weak smile. “That’ll be nice.”

“Yeah.”

“You here to drag me to bed?”

John shakes his head. “No, I know you won’t go. Just checking in.”

“I’m okay.”

John kneels in front of him and circles his arms around Kaidan’s waist. Kaidan cups the side of his face and brushes his thumb against John’s cheek.

“Just tired?” he asks.

Kaidan nods. “Yeah, but I’m good. Don’t wait up for me, okay? Just relax and take it easy.”

“I think I can do that.”

Kaidan pulls him in and kisses his forehead softly. “I love you.”

“I love you too. Let me know if you need anything.”

John stands up and heads out of the room, leaving him some privacy. He waits a while longer before Ash begins to stir. She whimpers at first and grips the bandages at her side, before curling into herself. Kaidan stands and takes a seat on the edge of her bed. She grips his hand as she finally comes to, and opens her eyes just a little.

“Hey, you’re okay,” he says.

“Kaidan?” she asks.

His eyes water, and he doesn’t realize how terrified he was of losing her until now. He’d been expecting her to be somehow different, to not recognize him or remember him. To hear her say his name feels like waking up.

“You recognize me?”

She nods. “Of course. Where am I?”

“The infirmary.”

“But I—.”

“I know,” he begins, “you were bitten, but Miranda had the cure, and we gave it to you. It worked.”

Ash thinks it over for a moment, and bites down on her lip. “Really?”

“Uh huh. You feel any different?”

“No. Just sore, and stiff. I want to go back to my bed.”

“Doc says you should be back to normal by morning, just take it easy. You can sleep in your own bed tomorrow.” 

“Okay,” she says, and then drifts off. “You thought I wouldn’t know who you were.”

He shrugs. “Yeah. I didn’t know what the cure would do to you.”

She grips his hand harder. “I could _never_ forget you.”

Kaidan nods and sniffles away the burning sensation in his eyes. Ash picks her hand up and wipes away the tear that’s fallen down his cheek anyway. He leans forward and presses a kiss to her forehead, and breathes her in. Somehow, after all these years, they’re still here. After Rahna left him, he didn’t think he stood a chance, but he knows he wouldn’t have if it weren’t for Ash. He knows he’ll spend the rest of his life repaying her for saving him back then.

“You going to go back up to your room at some point?”

He shakes his head. “No, probably not tonight.”

“Wow, first night back and you choose to spend it with me.”

He smiles. “Yeah. I want to make sure you’re okay.

She shifts her eyes over to the bed just beside hers and nudges him. 

“Hmm?” he says.

“Pull it closer. If you’re not going to leave all night, you might as well stay on a bed.”

He steps around her bed and tugs one of the other cots closer to hers. He sits on the edge and slides his boots off, before leaning back. Resting feels nice, and he feels tension leave his body within seconds. He shuts his eyes and nearly passes out on the spot. He turns on his side and looks back to Ash.

“You can sleep,” she says, “trust me, I’ll let you know if I need anything.”

He gives a wary smile back and rests back down on the pillow. “Mm, okay.”

His eyes flutter closed and he takes a deep breath. Immediately, he begins to drift off to sleep. It’s far from how he imagined his first night back, but at the moment, he wouldn’t rather be anywhere else.


	31. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some sleepover party cutes for you guys <3

Miranda has never had female friends before. She had her sister for most of her life, and after that, Jane was the first woman she’d spent any length of time with. For ten years, there’d been no one to play with her hair or help her do her nails, or chat about girly things, or anything. When she still had Oriana, the two would stay up late at night talking, and there was always someone to help with picking out clothes or trying out new looks. Superficial things that Miranda didn’t even particularly _enjoy,_ but she’d kill to have back now.

So it comes as a pleasant surprise when Jane tells her they’re going to be heading to Ashley’s room for the night, instead of just migrating to their own room for bed. The first night they arrived, Jane didn’t sleep well. With the Safehouse coming under siege, and she and John worrying about Kaidan for most of the night, it had hardly been a good night’s sleep. She was hoping to find some tonight, but Jane has other plans.

“Miranda,” Tali asks, pulling over a large box full of nail polish bottles, “which color would you like?”

Tali is a small girl with smooth brown skin and eyes so light they looked like they could glow. Jane explained earlier that Tali is one of their tech officers, and was mostly self-taught. She’d been just a child when the virus hit, and that the rest of her family was dead. But she’d come to the Alliance, scared and alone, but vowed to work and learn as long as she had a safe roof over her head.

“Uh, really any color is fine,” she says timidly.

“No, no, no,” Ashley yells from across the room. “That’s not how it works. You pick a color, we do your nails for you.”

“Ash,” Jane teases, “I think we know how a pedicure works.”

Ashley reaches next to her and grabs a pillow, hurling it at Jane. Jane blocks the throw, and reaches for her glass of wine on the nightstand.

“Hey, don’t you dare hurt my wine.”

Miranda’s surprised that the Safehouse has so much alcohol around to use. Though, she had to imagine that certain alcohols benefited from the apocalypse, giving them better time to age. Earlier in the day, she’d walked in on Kaidan lecturing John on the matter, that the scotch they had in the basement was actually _better_ now that it had been left to sit another ten years. John just sat there, unamused, drinking whatever Kaidan offered to put in front of him.

Jane takes a sip of the glass of red wine she’s been nursing for the night and passes it to Miranda, who sips as well. Jane hasn’t said anything explicit about them being together, but she has to imagine the rest of them have figured it out. Sam — their comm specialist — was the first to comment or drop hints she was in the know, and Jane had just given a calm shrug and kept her eyes on Miranda.

“Okay,” Miranda says, “I like that pale blue.”

Jane smiles over at Miranda and nudges her to give up her hands to Ashley. She rests them on the book Ash has between them, and opens the nail polish. Jane explained most of the Safehouse customs to her along their travels, and that included sleepover parties in Ashley’s room. She’d thought it was mostly a joke, but she is quickly realizing that it was not.

“So Miranda,” Tali begins, “if you’re from Australia, how did you get here? And is the virus there as well?”

“I believe so. But perhaps they’ve found a cure, or a way to manage it. It’s hard to say. But I came here when I was young, and only retained the accent through my family. Though, I haven’t been with any of them in some time, so…”

“It’s charming,” Liara says.

“Well, thanks…”

“I think it’s cute too,” Jane agrees. “I guess my brother and I both have a thing for foreigners.”

Ashley scoffs. “Oh come on, Kaidan’s from Canada. That’s not foreign.”

“It’s not the U.S,” Jane argues.

“No shit, Sherlock.”

“So,” she says, waving her wine glass at Ashley, “therefore… foreign.”

“Uh huh,” she replies, rolling her eyes.

Ashley begins to paint Miranda’s nails. She’s not great at it, and Miranda ends up with smudges of blue around her cuticles. It doesn’t take long before Tali rushes over with nail polish remover, and dabs at the sides of her fingers. 

“You’re messing up,” she chides Ashley.

“Go easy on me, I’m injured.”

Jane smiles. “Hey, none of us told you to break out of the infirmary. Did Kaidan find out yet?”

“I think so, but he knows by now not to argue. There was no way I was going to stay in there for more than one night. Doctor Chakwas is not going to poke me with anything else if she doesn’t have to.”

“Shouldn’t be a need,” Miranda says. “The cure isn’t terribly complicated. And if you’ve made it this far, you’re in the clear of anything going wrong.”

“How did you… figure this out?” Liara asks.

“A lot of time researching and studying the samples of the disease I had. I can… I can show you the data at some point. Though, a little boring for a sleepover party.”

Jane finishes off her wine and refills it again. “She tried to explain it to me, but I didn’t even get to go to eleventh grade, so…”

“It’s okay,” Miranda replies. “You’re good enough without it.”

“Now you’re just trying to make me blush,” Jane says.

Miranda watches as she taps her own freshly painted nails against her wine glass. Jane’s opted for a deep red, and it seems to suit her. Red is a relevant color to her. It’s bright and vibrant, just like her. Her hair color might also help make the association, but Miranda thinks of all the other emotions and objects that come to mind when she thinks of red and feels like it fits. Jane’s at home here, and she noticed it the moment they entered the Safehouse. Her shoulders carry less weight, and she looks less tired and alert than she usually does. She interacts with people here like its home, and they’re family. Miranda can’t help but feel like when she’s here, she’s meeting Jane’s family. It’s the closest she’ll get, aside from John.

“Miranda, do you have a family?” Tali asks.

Miranda swallows. She thinks of Oriana. She thought that finding someone to love her would ease the pain, make her feel less lonely. But there are some times when she sees Jane and John together, or even the other day with Kaidan and Ashley, that she just longed for her sister even more. It’s been so long that most days, she can look in the mirror and see herself, not her sister. But every now and then, it hits her that she was groomed to be something, and it all led to the end of the world. And that despite the greatness her father put on her, it wasn’t enough to save her sister.

“No… well, I don’t know where my father is. Not really. I think he might be dead, but I don’t really care.”

“Harsh,” Ashley mutters.

“He was a monster. I don’t care if something got him. He deserved it.”

Jane nods. “There are just some people who don’t make the world better. And it’s okay if they die.”

After a moment, Ashley nods too.

“I had a sister, though,” she continues. “She died too. She was the first to die from… all of this.”

“I’m sorry,” Ashley begins. “I had sisters too. Three of them, and I was the oldest.”

“They’re gone too?” Miranda asks.

“Yeah. I’m the only one in my family left. So I gotta keep going just for them.”

Miranda’s quiet for a moment, and she feels Jane brush her leg against her own. “I guess I do too.”

“You know what you can do?” Liara says. Her voice is quiet, and Miranda likes the calm she brings to a room. It makes her feel safe, and she wasn’t expecting it. She’s never been surrounded by so many brave and brilliant women before, and it takes her by surprise that she doesn’t feel like she has to fight to be better than them. They seem to respect each other, and the different ways they have managed to stay alive. Liara seems unreasonably intelligent, and like a wealth of knowledge. Sam running comm lines — hell, even being able to set them up is something — and keeping everything around the Safehouse in check, especially at her age, strikes Miranda as so impressive. Same with Tali. And Ashley and Jane are clearly made to be warriors. The two have survived this long on brute strength and tactical intelligence, and it shows.

“You can cure the disease and give everyone a normal life back,” Liara says. “We saw that you can do it. Now it’s just time for the rest of the world.”

Miranda nods and gives a shy smile. “Well, that’s what we’re trying to do.”

Ashley finishes Miranda’s nails and puts the top coat on. Miranda looks down. She’s done a decent job, and cleans up the edges of her nails now that she’s done.

“There! Now you’re one of us.”

Miranda gives a soft smile. “Well, thanks.”

“Of course. It’s not every day we get new people here.”

“You this accepting of everyone who walks through your doors?”

Sam shakes her head. “No, but it’s not every day Jane brings home a new partner.”

“I-,” Jane begins, “I never said we were together.”

“Oh come on,” Sam teases.

“Yeah,” Liara adds, “you aren’t the most subtle, Jane.”

Jane shrugs and finishes her wine. “Well, okay, I guess.”

“We’re just happy to see you happy again,” Tali says.

“Exactly,” Ashley finishes, “and we figure that’s trustworthy enough.”

Miranda smiles and doesn’t look over at Jane. Miranda isn’t sure she’s ever made someone happy before. Maybe Jacob for some time, but not like this. Jane had been so grief stricken before, and she didn’t know exactly what she was like before they met. But something she’s done has made her happy, and given her new life. Miranda didn’t think she could even do that.

Later, after her nails dry, and Jane’s had a few more glasses of wine, they retire to their own room. The night before, Jane had spent half the night, while she was restless and worried about Ashley trying to find a way to get two beds together so they could share. She brought John in an hour or so later and he helped her form a double bed with two cheap dorm beds. They bound the frames together and pulled a large fitted sheet over the two, and climbed into bed together. Except Jane didn’t get much sleep.

They stumble into their room and find the bed. Jane strips out of her jeans and sweater, and pulls on a t-shirt, leaving her pants off. They step into the bathroom and brush their teeth standing next to one another, and Jane wobbles a few times, feeling fuzzy from the wine. She bumps into Miranda and giggles, and Miranda slides an arm around her back to hold her up.

Miranda changes too and joins her in bed moments later. This place feels like home already, and resting next to Jane in a bed that can be all theirs for some time feels like heaven.

She turns on her side and slips an arm over Jane’s waist. Jane gives her a sleepy smile and cuddles into her.

“You’re blurry,” she mumbles, falling toward sleep quickly.

“You might be a little buzzed.”

Jane shakes her head. “No, not at all.”

Miranda giggles, and pulls her closer. “Don’t worry, I’ll look out for you.”

“Mmkay, good.”

Miranda leans forward and presses a soft kiss against Jane’s lips. She kisses back, and it is slightly sloppy and messy, but tastes like wine and Jane’s minty toothpaste. Jane weaves her fingers in Miranda’s hair and their bodies come together. Their hands wander all over each other and underneath clothes as they kiss, and sweat begins to rise on Miranda’s skin. Jane moans softly into her mouth and slides herself on top of Miranda. They stop for a moment to catch their breath, and Jane rests her head down on Miranda’s shoulder.

A cold wind sweeps through the Safehouse, and the two pull one another closer. Jane begins to mumble something in her sleepy state, but doesn’t get terribly far with the sentence.

“Shh, just go to bed,” Miranda says, beginning to play with her hair.

Jane doesn’t respond, because she’s already asleep. Miranda sits up a bit, and pulls the blankets around Jane closer. Jane doesn’t seem to notice but she does wrap herself around Miranda tighter and seems to find comfort in their closeness. Maybe one day she’ll have the guts to tell Jane how she’s given her a new life too.


	32. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut AND Plot? It's more likely than you'd think!

“Hey,” Kaidan says, walking over to the bathroom where John’s showering, “Sam and Tali figured out a new soap scent.”

John turns around just slightly as he twists the shower faucet on. He waits a few moments for the hot water to kick on, and then steps under the water. “What is it?”

“I dunno. Smells good. Like almonds or something.”

Kaidan sniffs the bar of soap, and furrows his brows as he tries to figure out what it is. John didn’t want to admit that he desperately missed their usual first nights back at the Safehouse. It usually consisted of a hot shower, snuggling with Kaidan, often sex. But instead, with Ashley bitten and recovering down in the infirmary, John wasn’t surprised Kaidan opted to sleep there for the night. He’d gone down in the middle of the night to check on him and found him asleep on a cot beside her bed.

He hopes tonight is different.

John beckons for Kaidan to bring it over for him to try out. Kaidan moves over to the half a wall that separates the few showers connected to their rooms, and passes it to him. He smells it for a few seconds, and nods.

“Almond. Musky almond.”

Kaidan smiles and shakes his head. “Now there’s something to put on a fancy soap label.”

John begins to lather the soap and rub it over his body. Kaidan remains standing next to him, and John notices Kaidan eyeing him up and down. Growing up, he’d been self-conscious about his body. He was tall and lanky, with thin muscles, and could never shake how wrong he felt in his own skin. No matter what he did, he couldn’t make himself feel like all the other boys he went to school with.

Until Kaidan. After that, he never felt as if he had to be anything but himself.

“You checking me out?” John asks.

Kaidan smiles and shakes his head. “No, of course not.”

“Because it’d be okay if you were.”

John turns around to Kaidan, and quickly yanks him toward the water. Kaidan lets out a defiant yelp, and pulls away.

“Stop that, I’m wearing clothes!” he laughs.

The shower sprays the bottom of his jeans and a bit of his shirt. At least John didn’t try to drag him in with socks on. Wet socks would have been grounds for a breakup. 

“Well, then,” John shrugs, “there’s an easy solution to that.”

Kaidan laughs and rolls his eyes. “All you had to do was ask.”

Kaidan tugs his t-shirt over his head, throwing it aside, before going for the belt around his waist. John bites down on his lip and raises his eyebrow, giving an appreciative hum that Kaidan can hear. Kaidan smirks and shakes his head.

“Oh, stop it.”

“Take it off,” he whispers.

Kaidan unzips his pants and eases them and his boxers down his hips. Hardly a second after he’s free, John pulls him forward and under the shower head. Their lips press together as the water sprays over their heads, and Kaidan eases his arms around John’s neck. His fingers weave into John’s auburn hair and pulls him closer.

“I love you,” Kaidan whispers between kisses, and John nods in response. He slides his hands down Kaidan’s body, taking in his smooth skin and the soft curves of his muscles. His grip moves below Kaidan’s waist and he pulls Kaidan against his body more. 

“You know you have a great ass, right?”

Kaidan pulls away and laughs. “And I was trying to be so romantic.”

“I mean,” John says, cupping Kaidan harder, “I’m not wrong.”

Kaidan kisses him again and pushes him against the wall. John moans into his mouth as Kaidan kisses him harder. The tile walls send a chill up his back, and push him into Kaidan more. John feels a warm sensation spreading all over his body, starting in the pit of his stomach. A sweat rises to his skin, and he reaches for the shower head above him as Kaidan’s hands begin to sneak lower. 

He opens his eyes for a moment, taking in the look of Kaidan as the water pours over him. John feels like a horny teenage cliché, but he can’t deny how good Kaidan looks with his curly hair drooping down his face, and the water droplets streaming down his skin. He swallows and kisses him again. Kaidan presses his knee between John’s legs and rubs against his hips. John tilts his head back and gasps as Kaidan teases between his thighs, and cups him gently. He works his hand against him with soft strokes, and kisses down John’s throat. 

His desire only grows more the harder Kaidan kisses and rubs him, and it becomes harder to breathe. He digs his nails into Kaidan’s ass, and shuts his eyes. They don’t say anything, and John can hardly focus on anything but Kaidan’s touch bringing him closer to a close. He gasps and feels weak in the knees as Kaidan’s thumb brushes over the tip. He redirects Kaidan’s lips to his own, and bites down on his bottom lip as he finishes, leaving a coating on both of their stomachs. Kaidan rinses his hand under the spray of the faucet, and wraps his arms around John’s neck again. John sighs and presses his forehead against Kaidan’s.

There’s nothing but the heavy sounds of his own breathing and the running water. John swallows, and Kaidan kisses the base of his throat, again and again. He nips softly at his skin for a few moments, before stopping, and resting against him, lips pressed to his skin.

“For the other day,” he whispers, “when I was teasing you and didn’t follow through.”

John smiles. “Oh, so how do I repay you?”

“Wash up, and take me to bed. I’ve got a few ideas.”

John tilts Kaidan’s head up and kisses his forehead. “Deal.”

John takes the soap and rubs it between his hands. He smells it again. 

“What’d we call it?” he asks.

“Musky almond,” Kaidan jokes.

John laughs too, and nods. “Okay. Musky almond it is.”

 

***

They sit in the War Room, bright and early. Miranda begins to lay out plans on the table in front of them. Kaidan finishes off his second coffee of the morning, and leans into John where he sits next to him. More trickle into the room, starting with Liara and Sam, and later other fighters. Kaidan wonders why the other soldiers are here, because there’s no chance in hell that they’d be going on this mission. 

If Miranda’s going, Jane’s going to go with her. And John won’t let Jane out of his sight again. And if John is going…

John toys with Kaidan’s curls and Kaidan shuts his eyes again for a brief moment. It was so hard to get out of bed earlier, and he still wishes he were curled up with John under their covers. After their shower, they had gone back to bed, and as promised, John was more than willing to return some favors. 

Jane enters the room with Anderson and Hackett, and Miranda stands over the papers she’s laid out on the main table. Kaidan sits up, and joins them as they look over the plans. Hackett nods to Miranda and she begins.

“This is a layout of all the Cerberus facilities surrounding their largest HQ,” Miranda says.

Kaidan eyes the plans. He thinks he’s looking at an old map of the northern northeast of the US. The maps are muddled, but he can see rough coordinates on the sides. It should be enough to get them where they need to go.

“The HQ is the largest facility they have, and the one they used to deploy the disease.”

“How did they do that?” John asks.

“They have a large bioweapon that can be used to disperse anything over a massive amount of land, and with the disease, it was able to reach not only North America, but parts of Europe, South America and Asia. Some of Africa. It was capable of reaching nearly the entire world.”

Kaidan furrows his brows. “There’s no way. That’s some sci-fi shit. They couldn’t reach into the atmosphere and destroy the whole world.”

“Then how do you think we’re here right now?” Jane questions, crossing her arms. 

“They didn’t have to reach the whole world,” Miranda confirms, “and neither do we. Cerberus only needed to hit enough people to outnumber everyone else. They knew if they got North America and Europe, and even _some_ of Asia, that was more than enough to start spreading the disease everywhere. So, if we cure enough places, then the numbers tip drastically in our favor. They did it to us, we do it back to them.”

“It makes sense,” Anderson says. “So what do we have to do?”

“I know these bases. I grew up in them, and I know how their systems work. But we need to begin somewhere, and it’s these bases. They’re far less secure than the HQ, and have not only resources, but would have the most up to date access codes and plans. We can infiltrate them and find a _safe_ way to cure the disease, that doesn’t risk the Alliance losing people again. Exact locations aren’t clear, but I can identify approximate areas.”

“And what if those bases aren’t safe?” Garrus asks.

“Nothing we do is safe, Garrus,” Jane replies. “No matter where we’re at, there’s always at least ten things trying to kill us once we leave this building.”

“Once we find what we need, we can make our way toward the HQ and finish synthesizing enough of a cure to disperse it to the rest of the world.”

“And how is the cure coming along? Does Doctor Chakwas think that this plan can work?” asks Anderson.

Doctor Chakwas, from the back of the room clears her throat. “Miranda and I have been working on it, and will keep working on it. What she has is solid, but we’ll need to find a way to replicate enough of it to have a permanent impact on a large area of people. But, I think it’s definitely possible. A risk… but possible.”

“The question now,” Hackett starts, “is how big of a risk is it. How many people could we lose if this is a suicide mission?”

“We won’t lose anyone,” John says defiantly, “because that’s what this plan is. We work our way up smaller obstacles, that way we can get in and out safely, before they can stop us.”

“Who would we be up against?” Hackett asks.

“I’d reckon a handful of soldiers at each base, and probably a larger force at the HQ. But if we’re attacking individual bases, they’ll want to fortify the others. So, we can possibly take out more at the small bases and face less resistance at HQ. And the Illusive Man — their leader.”

“I know, stupid name,” Jane mutters.

“He’s mostly talk. He’s defenseless without his army.”

“What about the one who attacked me?” Jane asks.

“Oh,” Miranda replies, “him too. He could be a trickier opponent, but no more or less than fighting off waves of zombies. I think our risk is calculated, and because of that, may not be that great. If we’re careful.”

Hackett nods. “I agree. Alright, Lawson, you’ve got yourself a mission. Take as much time as you need to research a cure, and then we’ll make concrete plans to get you up there to do this.”

“Sir,” Jane says, “I’d like to join Miranda on the mission.”

John speaks up as well. “And so will I.”

“Me too,” Kaidan says.

“Somehow, this is not shocking at all,” Anderson replies.

“The four of you, be ready to ship out at our notice. And Miranda, keep us updated on the cure progress,” Hackett says, sounding final and firm, “we’ve got ourselves a disease to cure.”


	33. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy Birthday, Shepards!!!

 

John wakes up to Kaidan nudging him softly in bed. He groans and rolls over, ignoring him for the moment. Spring sunshine sprays through their window, and he even hears birds chirping outside. It’s been weeks since Miranda laid out their plan to infiltrate the Cerberus bases, and he knew it wouldn’t be long before they had to leave the comfort of the Safehouse yet again.

“Wake up,” Kaidan whispers.

“No,” John murmurs back.

Kaidan pushes his covers back, letting the cool air sweep over his body. John whimpers and reaches for warmth again. Kaidan slides on top of him and straddles him, resting his hands on John’s bare chest. He brushes his fingers over the barely-there hairs on his skin, and leans down to kiss the top of his head.

“It’s important.”

“Why are you sitting on me? It’s early.”

“I said: it’s important.”

Kaidan kisses the side of his head again and reaches for something on the nightstand. John rubs his eyes and yawns. He looks up at Kaidan, clearly he’s been up a while. He’s had time to push his hair back into some order, and he doesn’t look nearly as groggy as John is sure he does. But god does he look handsome, even in just a pair of boxers and a t-shirt.

Kaidan sits on him, one leg on either side of his body, holding something. It takes John a few moments to identify that it’s a cupcake. 

“What-?” he mutters.

“It’s your birthday,” Kaidan says, a little too excited for this time in the morning.

John thinks a moment, and nods. He supposes that it is, maybe give or take a day or two, but it’s good enough. When the disease first hit, he and Jane hadn’t been so great at remembering dates, but they’d made sure to celebrate their joint birthdays together, in whatever ways they could. John didn’t always like birthdays growing up, but now, he had to at the very least be grateful. Another birthday meant another year he’d managed to survive, by some miracle, and another year he got to have with Kaidan and Jane.

“Oh,” John says, “yeah, I guess it is.”

“So… a cupcake… for you.”

Kaidan pushes the pastry toward him. It’s got a small candle in the top, and he reaches over to his nightstand to light it. The candle begins to burn, and Kaidan takes in a deep breath to begin singing.

“Ah, no singing, please,” John requests.

“Come on, I have a lovely voice and you know it.”

John sighs. “No. Happy Birthday is the most uncomfortable song ever. The cupcake is more than enough.”

“Fine,” Kaidan agrees, “but you still gotta make a wish.”

John sits up, and takes the cupcake. Kaidan remains in his lap, and wraps his arms around John’s shoulders. John looks at the cupcake for a moment, and then back at Kaidan. He has a lot of things to wish for every day. He hopes he survives another day, that his sister survives another day, that Kaidan does. He wishes for warm showers, and safety, and his own bed, and maybe some good old birthday sex with Kaidan later on. But with such massive plans looming on the future, he can only think to actually wish for one thing.

He shuts his eyes.

_I wish for both of us to live long enough to have a normal life together._

And blows out the candle.

He waits for the candle to stop steaming and puts it off to the side. John takes a swoop of frosting off the top and rubs it off on Kaidan’s nose. Kaidan laughs and shakes his head to get it off, but it doesn’t work. John leans forward and presses his lips against Kaidan’s nose, and eats the frosting off his face.

“You have no right to make fun of me for being corny,” Kaidan says, “ever.”

“Come on, if we lived a normal life where dessert was in surplus, I’d eat frosting off every part of your body.”

Kaidan rolls his eyes and settles in John’s lap some more. “Yeah, well, I’d only let you get me all sticky like that if it was your birthday.”

“Where’d you even get a cupcake?” John asks.

“Baked it. I bribed Gardner to let me use the kitchen for just a bit. Miranda had something in mind too. So…”

“You baked it yourself, huh? You must really love me.”

Kaidan brushes his thumb against the side of John’s face and nods. “Mmhm. I do.”

John sets the cupcake aside on the nightstand and wraps his arms around Kaidan. Kaidan pulls him in for a kiss and bites down on John’s bottom lip. He leans Kaidan back and quickly climbs on top of him, slipping himself between his boyfriend’s legs. Kaidan lets out a soft sigh as they press together and grips John’s hair tightly.

“I love you too,” John mutters against his lips.

Kaidan kisses him again, long and soft, and then pulls away. “Twenty-seven.”

John nods. “Catching up to you.”

“Eh, I’ll always be a little ahead.”

John smirks. “Old man.”

“Doesn’t stop you from getting into bed with me,” Kaidan replies, and leans in for a kiss.

“What makes this birthday special?” John asks. “Cupcakes aren’t usually part of it.”

Kaidan strokes his cheek with his thumb and kisses the side of John’s head. “Because I didn’t think we’d make it to this one.”

John’s quiet for a moment. He knows what he means. They’ve had too many close calls over the past few months, more than usual, and the past year has dealt them some of the harshest blows yet. There were plenty of days where John didn’t know if they’d survive through to the next. But underneath all they’ve overcome, John knows Kaidan is saying that he doesn’t know if they’ll have another.

“But we did.”

Kaidan nods. “Yeah.”

“And we’ll be around next year too. And I’ll be expecting a cupcake from here on out. Every year.”

“Well, just think… if we cure this disease, the world can start going back to normal. Maybe we find a place to live, permanently. We can be normal. Have our own house, our own bed. Jobs that don’t involve killing things. We’d never have to worry about losing each other again.”

John holds onto him tighter. Kaidan presses a soft kiss against his lips, and hums a response. 

“Maybe get married.”

John glances up. “You proposing to me?”

Kaidan laughs and shakes his head. “No, I’d make it much more special.”

“Good. I want a flash mob,” John adds.

Kaidan laughs again, and it sounds so infectious that despite being so close to one another, he still wants him closer. 

“Flashmob. What about a flashmob of zombies?”

“No,” John replies.

“Okay, sounds like a plan. So… what do you want to do on this birthday?”

John presses his forehead against Kaidan’s. “I don’t want to leave this room at all. Except for food. You and me, just stay here in bed all day.”

Kaidan nods. “I think we can arrange that.”

 

***

 

“Miranda?” Jane asks, entering the kitchen. She’s shocked that nobody’s here, right after prime dinner hours. Even if food is finished serving, people usually linger for a bit and talk, or bring out the drinks. But now, it’s just them.

“Wait!” she yells from behind the stove.

Jane holds up her hands and steps back. Miranda gave her orders to wait for her to eat, but as time went on, she was beginning to suspect that something was up. She’d been clear about the dining hours when Miranda first moved into the Safehouse, and she’d been adhering to them well. But Jane had to suspect that perhaps her birthday had something to do with it. She’d never formally told Miranda when her birthday was, because it didn’t really matter. However, she wouldn’t have put it past Kaidan to let her know that she and John had birthdays coming up. 

Jane takes a seat at one of the tables in the mess and waits. Pots and pans clatter inside, and she smells food, something different than the meat that Mess Sargent Gardner had prepared earlier. It almost smells like Italian food. Jane hasn’t had well-cooked Italian food in years.

“Dammit,” Miranda hisses.

“You okay in there?” Jane yells back.

“Fine. Just… give me a minute.”

Jane nods. “Okay, go… right ahead?”

She hasn’t seen John all day, and they’ve never really made a big deal out of birthdays since the world ended. It didn’t seem important to them. She suspects he’s probably spent the entire day in bed with Kaidan, and she thinks he’s deserved a solid day of R&R.

Miranda appears, and she looks like hell. Still beautiful, but her hair’s pulled back into a messy, floppy bun, and her jeans are damp, as if she’s been spilling things all over the whole day. 

“Hi,” she says.

“Hey, what are you doing in there?”

“Working on something.”

“Aha…”

“You ready?”

Jane nods. “I am.”

Miranda steps back into the kitchen, and brings out two drinks, whiskey on the rocks. She places them on one of the long tables in the mess, right across from one another. Miranda vanishes back into the kitchen, and brings out two plates full of food, and places them in front of the glasses with silverware. She’s made some kind of pasta dish, and it smells wonderful. 

“Wow this is… this is great.”

Miranda swallows and runs her fingers through her hair. “You think so?”

“Sure. Sit down.”

Miranda sits, and begins to bite her thumb nail. And then she gets up again. She returns with a small candle, and pulls a lighter out of her pocket. Jane smirks, but tries not to let Miranda see.

“Miranda Lawson, are you trying to take me on a date?”

Miranda sits down again and looks just slightly less nervous than before. “I guess I am. I… Kaidan told me it was your birthday. I felt like I should do something special for you. I mean… you’ve done so much for me, and have been good to me when maybe I didn’t deserve it.”

“Miranda, you saved my life. I would have died in some high-end mall in Boston if it weren’t for you.”

Miranda nods. It’s a fact she can’t deny. Jane would have bled out, or turned into a zombie if it hadn’t been for Miranda finding her and rescuing her. She still has no idea how Miranda managed to pull it off, or how she’d survived even long enough to get back to her bunker. She remembers bleeding out, and knowing that the end was near, and sometimes when she thinks back, she remembers someone reaching out for her, and being carried somewhere. 

“That is true.”

“I know.”

“But you know… all I’ve done… this entire world that we live in. I had a role in it all.”

Jane looks down and shakes her head. “You know it’s not that simple, Miranda.”

“Sure, it’s not. But… it’s something.”

Jane reaches across the table and takes Miranda’s hand. She brushes her thumb against the silky skin on the back of her palm. 

“But we’re going to fix it. One way or another, we’re going to put the world back to normal. I know it. I’ll die trying.”

Miranda nods. “Me too.”

Jane thinks for a moment about how she can’t imagine John and Kaidan saying the same thing. Jane has always known that death is always just one mistake away at all times. She doesn’t believe that she’s a lucky anomaly that will survive anything — though, she was beginning to wonder if empirical evidence suggested otherwise. She knows that if it comes down to curing the whole world of this disease and dying, there’d be a part of her that would be okay giving her life. Same with Miranda. She doesn’t think that it makes their relationship any less strong. Just one that’s so based in their world.

“But for now… we’ve got this.”

“Yeah,” Miranda says, “go ahead and try it.”

Jane takes her fork and begins to swirl the pasta around it. She takes a bite, and finds that Miranda’s pasta is a little al dente, but the sauce is good and it’s a miracle she could make something with this much flavor with what they had in the mess hall. Now, if only they were making tasty meals like this on the regular here. 

“It’s good. Very good,” she says.

Miranda sighs in relief and smiles. “Good.”

“You must have bribed Gardner something serious to get ahold of all the spices and seasonings,” she says, and raises an eyebrow.

Miranda smiles. “It was your birthday. I had to do _something_.”

“It’s wonderful, Miranda.”

Miranda blushes. Jane looks down at her plate, and then at the empty spot next to Miranda. She pushes the plate across the table and comes around to the other side so that they can sit next to one another. She re-positions the candle between the two of them and cups the side of Miranda’s face. Before Thane died, he made her promise that she’d live, and not spend the rest of her life mourning him. He wanted her to love again, and said that she’d taught him it was possible to love after a terrible loss. Jane doubted she could ever learn to love after him, but it was becoming harder to deny when she was around Miranda.

“Do you think of what comes after this?” she asks.

Jane shrugs. “I spent so long running and trying to live that there wasn’t much time to imagine the future. But I guess now that we’re getting closer to fixing all this, maybe I should.”

“I think so.”

“What do you think about?”

“I think about a normal life where I can get a normal job. Maybe something dreadfully boring like accounting. I’m good with numbers. But it might be a nice change of pace. It’d be nice to own a house, or an apartment. Don't know what happened to Australia, but I could find out if the rest of my family is around somewhere.”

Jane nods. “That sounds really nice.”

“You?”

“I don’t know. I don’t always associate happiness with being somewhere, or a place. It’s who I’m around. When this is all over, I still want to be near John and Kaidan. And you. I’d be happy staying here for a while, because it’s been home for so long.”

“Me?” Miranda says.

“Yeah, you.”

“Oh.”

Jane reaches over and takes her hand, gently stroking the back of it with her thumb. “Of course I want you around. I care about you a lot.”

Miranda pauses a moment and lets out a heavy sigh. Jane watches her, and thinks that maybe Miranda’s giving herself a pep talk. She wonders if this is a breakup, but if it were, why make a nice birthday dinner? Why not just lay it on her?

“Okay, I got this. Look, I also wanted to say something that’s been weighing on me for some time. I don’t know how many more chances I’ll have and I can’t chicken out again. I spent so many years bottled up, with no one to talk to or share my thoughts with, no one who _cared_ or took the time to find out who I was. And you don’t realize how lonely it is until someone does start to care. I’d probably still be down in my bunker by myself if it hadn’t been for you. But now we have a real chance, and a chance to have a normal life. Maybe even one together.”

“Yeah,” Jane says.

“What I’m trying to say is that I love you. I’d almost forgotten what it felt like, or pushed it away every chance I had. But I’m glad I didn’t this time because you make me feel like I’m something. Not something groomed to be perfect or following everyone else’s rules. Just… myself. And that finally feels good enough.”

Jane pulls Miranda in and slides her arms around her shoulders. Their lips meet, and Miranda holds on tight. Jane can feel her hands shaking against her back, and it only makes her hold her tighter. Jane deepens their kiss and knots her fingers in the back of Miranda’s bun.

She pulls away after a moment and presses her forehead against Miranda’s.

“I love you too,” she whispers.

Miranda smiles, and her hands quiver again, but Jane can sense relief all over her body.

“Oh, good,” is all she says, and giggles. Jane strokes her cheek and kisses her again. 

“I didn’t think I could fall in love again. Not after what happened with Thane. But… I’m so glad you were ready to prove me wrong,” she says.

Miranda holds her close, and Jane moves herself halfway into Miranda’s lap. Jane whispers that she loves her again, and saying it feels like waking up. Miranda responds with another kiss, and to hold her tighter, and the pattern continues for longer than either of them can count. Until Mess Sargent Gardner walks in, ready to reclaim his kitchen.


	34. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And begin act 3, the beginning of the end, and angst to come. The suspense is real, my friends. Enjoy :)

It’s late morning when the truck is finally loaded up and ready to leave. Anderson and Hackett spent most of the night prepping all the essential items and resources that they’ll need for their mission. Several boxes of bullets and a few spare guns. Medical supplies from Chakwas for minor field injuries. Food to last a few weeks. Enough copies of the cure that they can synthesize it when they get to the facility. It should be enough. None of them are planning on being gone _that_ long. Nothing like the Boston mission.

John takes one last look around his room and sighs. He knows he’ll be back. He knows he will. There’s no way he and Kaidan aren’t going to come back and have so many more nights here together. Curled up in the sheets, whispering to each other about their future as if it were a secret, now that the end of the world was coming to an end. He knows they’ll be back. He’ll give everything he has to make sure of it.

But it doesn’t make the ache in his chest go away, the lingering fear that maybe he won’t. Or that he’ll have to come back here alone, sleep in a bed haphazardly assembled for two, and spend the rest of his days reaching for someone who isn’t there. Or maybe Kaidan will come back without him, keeping his head up the way he always has, but deep down grieving so intensely, and all their memories here stinging.

“Hey,” Kaidan says, low, not to startle him.

John turns around and shakes out of his trance. Kaidan stands in the doorframe, and his eyes skim the room like he’s looking for something. John gives a weak smile.

“Hey.”

“You good? They’re loading up the car down there.”

He nods. “I know.”

Kaidan steps into the room and takes his hands. John sighs and leans into him. Kaidan cups his cheek and strokes it with the side of his thumb. His dark eyes flicker up to John’s and he feels somewhat more at ease.

“We’re going to make it,” Kaidan whispers. But there’s fear in his voice. 

“I know.”

“I promise. I don’t want you to be scared, okay?”

Maybe he isn’t promising they’ll be okay, but promising that they’ll do whatever they can to stay alive, to stay with one another. It sounds good enough.

“I know. I know we’ll be okay. There’s just a lot riding on this.”

Kaidan nods. “You’re telling me. Just always remember I love you, okay?”

“I know. I love you too.”

Kaidan kisses him, and John feels like he can believe what Kaidan’s saying. He knots his fingers in Kaidan’s plaid shirt and draws him closer.

_I just want a life with you. That’s all._

Kaidan pulls away after a moment and breathes John in. The silence says ‘I love you’ enough that they don’t need to again. Kaidan steps back and goes to the drawers by his side of the bed and begins to rifle through it.

“Go ahead and meet me downstairs,” he says.

“I can wait.”

“No, just go get a head start. I’m just checking to make sure I’m not forgetting anything.”

John doesn’t budge and leans against the door frame. Kaidan looks back, and waits a moment before starting to look through drawers. John wonders if he’s hiding something, or he has something up his sleeve. He shakes it off and reaches into his nightstand, and take out a small drawstring bag. John furrows his brows.

“What’s that?”

Kaidan puts the bag in his back pocket and shakes his head. “Nothing. Just… stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Yeah.”

John smirks. “Okay. Alright, I’ll meet you downstairs since you clearly don’t want me here for some reason.”

Kaidan shuts his eyes. “John, it’s not… ugh.”

Kaidan looks down as if there’s a confession on his lips. His eyes dart across the room and examine things to make sense of what’s happening in his head. John thinks it should make him nervous, but he wonders if Kaidan needs comfort. That matters more than his own fear.

“You okay?”

Kaidan nods. “Yeah. Good. It’s just weird. Leaving always makes me wonder if there’s things I should say or do before I miss my chance.”

The feeling’s all too familiar. John has ten years of it on his shoulders, but he’s grateful that he’s never missed chances with Kaidan or Jane. They’re still here, and he’s confident they will be for some time. He can’t count the number of times he woke Kaidan up just to say he loves him one more time, not knowing if it would be the last.

“I know how you feel. But like you said. We’re going to be okay.”

Kaidan sighs. “Yeah. Just… always know that I love you, okay? No matter what happens.”

“I do. And I love you too, more than anything.”

Kaidan’s lips curl into a weak smile, but content for now. John holds out a hand for him, and pulls him into the doorframe. Kaidan leans against his shoulder and slides his arms around John’s body. They look back into their room together as a sense of sadness and dread washes over them. Maybe the dread is undeserved.

When they come back, the world will be different. Sure, they can stay here as long as they want, but it’s not a place they come back to and consider safe because it is. It’ll be a place that’s home, like their own little apartment. Because there won’t be a need to leave for long periods of time again. When they come back, there’ll be a future.

“Okay,” Kaidan says, “let’s head out.”

They don’t _really_ know what lays on the other side of the mission, or even what they’ll encounter once they start finding more Cerberus facilities. Any one of them could be a death sentence. He just knows he should trust Miranda, and trust all their abilities to stay alive. As they head back downstairs and to the car, where Anderson and Hackett are finishing up loading

“Remember,” Anderson says, “if this mission gets too dicey, where you think you can’t pull it off or make it home, drop it and we’ll find another way. It’s not worth losing all of you to. We can find a way to eliminate the risk if we try again.”

“It won’t happen,” Jane replies. “We’re going to get it done. And all four of us are going to come back in one piece for the nap of a lifetime.”

“You’ve been relaxing for weeks, Lola,” James chides.

Jane looks up at him and smiles. “Whatever.”

Kaidan slams the trunk and rounds the car again. “Who’s ready?”

Jane and Miranda both nod, and begin to say their goodbyes. Ashley comes up to Kaidan and wraps her arms around him tightly. There’s something uneasy in her demeanor, something that makes John nervous. It takes him a moment to realize she’s terrified that they aren’t coming back. Kaidan holds her back tightly, and whispers something to her that seems to calm her just a little. He tells her he loves her and kisses the side of her head before she goes to Jane and hugs her too. Kaidan slides into the driver’s seat and turns on the car. 

Ashley approaches John and hangs onto him for a few seconds. Then, she backs away, words hanging on her lips.

“Make sure he comes back, okay?”

John looks over to Kaidan inside the car, and nods. “You know I will. Wouldn’t let anything ever happen to him.”

She nods. “Okay. You guys too.”

“Of course. Nothing’s going to happen to any of us. I swear.”

She accepts it, and backs away. Anderson gives him a firm handshake and salute, just before he slides into the car himself. Kaidan looks back at him as they begin to drive down the winding road leading to the freeway.

“What was that about?”

John shrugs. “It seems like none of them think that we’re coming back. They think it’s a suicide mission.”

Kaidan rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “Well, then we have a job to do. Prove them wrong.”

 

***

It’s six hours later when they reach the coordinates Miranda’s set on the map. It’s far north, and while it had been warming up at the Safehouse, it’s back to frigid mornings and evenings here. In some places, patches of snow still coat the frozen and dead grass. They’ve found a house nearby with a fireplace, still standing and seems like it won’t be too susceptible to the freezing winds. It’s far enough that they won’t be followed if they drive fast enough, but not too far that they can regroup and tend to any potential injuries.

“Hey, K, this is probably the closest you’ve been to Canada in some time,” Jane says.

Kaidan rolls his eyes. “I lived on the other side.”

“How did you get all the way here if you were from Vancouver?” Miranda asks.

“You move around a lot,” Kaidan says. “You don’t know how far you can go until you have to run for your life. Besides, the Alliance hasn’t always been where they are now. There’s been a few relocations since I’ve been with them.”

John, still half asleep in the passenger seat, pushes his hood back down and rubs his eyes. Kaidan glances over and messes with his hair.

“Morning, sleepy,” he says.

John mumbles something and sits up straight. 

“We’re coming up on the coordinates Miranda gave us for the first base.”

Miranda nods. “Yes, that underground facility. See that door right there?”

“The overgrown shitty one?” John says.

“It’s mostly underground,” Miranda explains, as Kaidan parks a safe distance away, “and goes for several levels underneath. So, it’s bigger than it looks.”

“Yeah, I’d hope. Because damn it looks like a shoebox,” Jane replies.

“You hope? I hope it’s small as shit,” John snarks.

“And if there are people there, I’m sure they’re going to know we’re here if you two keep arguing,” Kaidan reminds them.

“Right,” Jane agrees.

Miranda goes first, rushing up to the single door that leads into the bunker. She pushes the dust out of her way and looks at the door.

“Dammit.”

“What?”

“Locked. It used to be a computer system that opened this door. If it was, I could hack it and get us in. But… the locks are manual now.”

“We’re going to need to break in,” Jane replies.

“Yes. Come on, around the back.”

They round the back of the tiny bunker, and Miranda squats down on the ground. She pushes away some bushes and shrubs away to reveal a window. Miranda twists and turns the knobs on the window, and Kaidan hands her a knife. She wedges the blade between the window and the frame and begins to pry. Kaidan steps forward.

“Easy, I’ve had that knife for like ten years now.”

“I won’t break it,” Miranda insists.

“You better not.”

The window pops open and Miranda passes back the knife, and Kaidan sticks it in its holster on his backpack. 

“Through there,” she says.

Jane nods. “I can get in.”

“The door needs someone to get in there and turn the wheel. No offense to Jane, because she’s definitely strong, but no one greasing the doors for years might require more muscle.”

“I’ll go with her, then,” John says.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Kaidan interrupts, “if there’s anything in there, we need someone who can be quiet. Between the two of us, we know that’s not your thing.”

John crosses his arms. “Okay.”

“So me and Jane will go,” Kaidan concludes, “you two can take point outside and make sure the coast is clear. We’ll get you in as soon as possible. If my ass fits through that window.”

“There’s a lot of it,” John says.

“I hate both of you,” Jane groans.

They crouch beside the basement window. She sheds her backpack and sticks her gun in the waistband of her jeans. She slides a leg through and carefully eases her entire body in. She turns over, and finds a foothold not far down on a shelf. She moves to the side, making room for Kaidan to climb through. 

“There’s a shelf here. I think it’ll hold,” she says. She looks over her shoulder at the basement, and sees that they’re in a lab. The ground floor holds several examining and operating tables, and medical machines that haven’t been used in ages.

Kaidan struggles to pull his broad shoulders through, and bumps his head on the rim of the window. 

“I’m sucking literally everything in right now,” he groans.

“Shhh!”

He wiggles his way into the basement and grips onto the edge of the window until he finds footing. 

“Ow,” he mumbles, “okay. Feels sturdy.”

She grabs his belt loops and pulls him closer. He looks down, and then back at the window. He wobbles on the shelf seeing the drop.

“Miranda, why the hell is this basement so deep?”

“Probably a lab, had to accommodate for some equipment.”

“Yeah,” he says, “I don’t like it.”

They find a secure footing on the shelf, and Jane begins to move lower to the ground. She grips at the shelf as she searches for another foot hold. Then it begins to creak.

“I don’t like the sound of that,” Kaidan says.

“Me either.”

“Come on, move faster.”

“I’m trying,” she says, and feels a sharp poke in her finger. “Fuck, I got a splinter.”

“Again with the talking,” he reminds her. “You got this job because you’re quiet.”

The shelf creaks again as she moves down to the next level, and this time, it sounds like the wood is beginning to buckle. 

“Shit,” Kaidan whispers.

“Yeah you can say that again. Come on, the shelf my hand is on is sturdy enough to hold you.”

Kaidan puts his boot down, and the shelf wiggles but holds for now. Jane moves down another wrung and holds her breath as it begins to buckle. Suddenly, the wood slips from under her fingers, and cracks beneath her grip. She lets out a gasp, and reaches for Kaidan. He clutches her hand as she begins to fall.

“I got you,” he says.

“This isn’t going to hold. We’re going to have to jump.”

Kaidan pulls her up higher to try and give her a solid grip on another shelf, but then his grip falters, and the wood in his hands cracks as well. Jane has no time to grip another ledge before they’re both falling to the ground. Her shoulders take the worst of the fall, and her body stings with shock. She groans and rolls over, checking for no major injuries. Kaidan’s hit the ground just beside her, and he rolls over slowly.

“Are you guys okay down there?” John yells.

Kaidan groans and pulls himself to his knees. “Yeah, just need a hip replacement. And a back replacement. And I’m damp.”

“What?”

“I fell in something wet. I’m trying really hard to not think about what it is.”

Jane climbs to her knees and brushes herself off. She looks around. It could have been far worse. They could have landed on one of the many rusted and bloody scalpels around them on the floor. She stands up and holds a hand out for Kaidan. He grabs his gun where it’s fallen beside him and takes a moment to catch his breath.

“What the shit is this?” he says.

Jane shakes her head. “I have no idea.”

There’s rows and rows of beds, and most of them have bodies. She trails over to one of them, where a skeleton lays, mouth open as if screaming. Skin falls off the body in leathery strips curled around bone, and the bed below is stained a mix of red and yellow. Jane can figure out one is blood, but feels herself getting sick at the thought of yellow being human decomposition. And most of the beds look the same. Bodies, tied down and suffering, long dead.

“Wait a minute,” Kaidan says, and reaches a hand out to touch the one nearest to them. Jane’s hand shoots out and pushes his away.

“Don’t touch it,” she snaps.

“It’s dead.”

“I know… I just… don’t touch it. It’s fucking gross.”

Kaidan nods, and instead points to the logo on the skeleton’s shirt. Jane recognizes it from where it had been painted on all the walls in Boston, on the armor of the one who attacked her.

“They worked for Cerberus,” she says.

“They’d do this to their own guys? But why?”

“They don’t seem to care. People are just numbers to them. They sacrificed Miranda’s sister for this too. Lives don’t matter to them. Loyalty doesn’t matter.”

Kaidan bites down on his lip and nods in the direction of the front door. “Let’s just get what we need and get out of here. I don’t like this place one bit.”

“Me either.”

They work their way through the old lab, and up the stairs to the front door. Kaidan keeps watch with his gun drawn, but nothing in the bunker moves until they see the entrance in sight. Footsteps crunch behind them, and Jane pushes Kaidan toward the door. He grips the wheel at the front and begins to spin, but it doesn’t budge. He groans and puts his back into it with full force, and finally it moves.

“Hurry,” she whispers.

The door finally opens, and he cracks it just enough for John and Miranda to enter, but they aren’t on the other side of the door.

“Come on, they’ll see it’s open and get in. Let’s start going through the place.”

Kaidan waits a moment, and then follows her. She leads him down the steps again to part of the bunker that doesn’t seem as destroyed. The walls are a clean white and chrome, and it’s dusty, but it doesn’t look like the lab by a long shot. Kaidan puts on his flashlight as they follow a hallway straight back.

Jane knows they’re being followed, but hopes they can get the jump on whatever it is. Kaidan steps forward and keeps moving down the hallway to a central room. It’s large and open, and hardly looks like the labs. The walls are intact, and while the dust makes it hard to breathe, it’s functional. Even some of the computers on the walls still flicker with life.

Kaidan walks toward something sprawled on the table at the center. Jane hesitates and lets him go to it. She quickly realizes that it’s a map, and that certain towns are marked, and charted with circular areas of impact. Kaidan’s hand shakes, and he rests his fingers on top of Vancouver.

She watches his eyes water and he takes a deep breath in trying to swallow his tears. She can’t imagine what it’s like to have no idea what really happened to her family, like Kaidan does. He has no idea if they were bitten and turned into zombies, if they slowly starved, if some other scavenger group found them and killed them in cold blood. He doesn’t know, and he never will. But he keeps going and reminds them all how important it is to keep moving forward…

She can’t fathom it either. Dot after dot, and circle after circle. There are so few spaces left untouched, and she knows they all just bled together after some point. Her eyes drift to Mindoir, her family, her whole childhood gone in an instant. Knowing what she does now, she feels like such a pawn in a terrible game no one signed up for. Her own eyes water too.

“Look at this,” he says, his voice gripped with pain. “All these places. Places they hit. They weren’t cities where people lived, where families lived. To them, they were all targets. They were just things to check off, places to have wiped off the map. What kind of person thinks so little of human life?”

Jane rests her hand on the small of his back. “I know.”

“And no matter what we do, it won’t bring back those who died.”

“No, but you know we have to do it anyway, right?”

He nods. “I do, and god I want this mission accomplished more than anything. But I also know if I come face to face with one of them, I won’t feel even the slightest remorse in killing them. Not a bit.”

“They don’t deserve your mercy, Kaidan. Some people don’t, and that’s okay. You know that, right?”

He looks up and nods. She doesn’t say anything else, and gives him a moment to wipe his eyes and turn back around. Jane finds a single computer in the corner of the room with light. She paces over to it, leaving Kaidan at the table. She sits down at the cobweb infested chair in front of it and looks at the files.

“What’s that?” he asks.

“Archive footage.”

“Of?”

Jane skims the names of the files. She sees lots of numbers — dates she thinks. And then she sees a date that looks familiar. It strikes dread through her, and she knows that maybe she shouldn’t look. What she’s about to find won’t give her anymore peace, but there’s a part of her that just so badly wants to understand.

She clicks the folder anyway. Inside, she finds several damaged video files, and plays the first one. It’s grainy and the audio is botched to oblivion, but she sees home in front of her. She sees green fields, dispersed farm houses, the local general store, and grass and crops for as far as the eye can see. A helicopter cam tapes over Mindoir from above. A voice crackles, but only every other word comes through.

“Test — Lazarus Serum — location — Mindoir, August 8th —.”

The video clip changes from above, to something on the ground. She watches as a helicopter flies over the town, sprinkling something from the sky in the middle of a thunderstorm. She feels her eyes water. If she had stayed home that summer, she would have died just like everyone else. She and John would be with their parents now. They never would have had to survive this long on their own. But at the same time, they never would have met the people they did, learned the things they did. 

The video footage begins to play clips at the local doctor’s office — where Jane went to get all her vaccinations as a kid, where she’d gone when she broke her arm in second grade after John tried out an all too powerful ninja kick on her. She looks at members of the town she grew up in, people whose names she long forgot, all being examined by men in lab coats. Each one of them exhibits early signs of the virus, things that she’s learned to watch out for. Then, she sees something she hopes she wouldn’t have to see: her parents.

Her mother lies on one of the examining tables as a doctor looks into her eyes with a scope. Her hands shake and her skin glistens with sweat. Her father stands beside her, and it’s obvious he’s trying to hide his own condition as well. He holds her hand and strokes the back of her palm with his thumb to comfort her.

She wonders what they were thinking when all of this began. Did they pray to see their kids one last time? Or were they like Kaidan’s parents? Grateful that their children got a chance to get away and survive. 

She swallows, but fails to keep her tears back. She lets out a soft sob, and Kaidan rests his hand on her shoulder. He steps beside her and turns the computer off.

“Hey, you know this is just going to hurt.”

She nods. “I know.”

She’s lived with the knowledge that Cerberus did this — that Miranda worked for them when they did — for months now. She’s not surprised at what she’s seen, but something about seeing it brought to life feels so raw. Maybe she’s just been suppressing it for so long that she doesn’t know what to make of it now.

Kaidan slides his arms around her and lets her lean against his shoulder. He holds onto her tightly, and rubs her back as she regains her breath and composure. She squeezes him back and lets out a sob into his shoulder.

“It’s going to be okay,” he says. “We’re going to stop them. We’re going to get even. I promise.”

She nods and wipes her eyes on the fabric of his shirt. Footsteps echo down the hall and John and Miranda appear in the doorway. Jane steps away from Kaidan and wipes her eyes. John takes notice that she’s upset, but doesn’t swarm her Jane looks at Miranda’s backpack, and notices she’s filled it up. She can’t see everything, but she can make out some heavy duty medical supplies. Tons of bandages, morphine, penicillin, clotting agents… things that indicate Miranda’s preparing for something big. She knows what it means. If the soldiers weren’t here in force, they might be elsewhere, and they could be facing something truly dangerous.

“This is the control center,” Miranda says. “If there’s any access codes, it’ll be here.”

Jane nods. “Okay, go ahead.”

Miranda hovers over a console that’s barely running and begins to type. Kaidan and John stay near the doors and watch. Miranda mutters something under her breath, and Jane comes over to see her. She fumbles with codes on the computer, and pulls up file folders, and they’re all empty. 

“Dammit,” she whispers.

“What’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing here,” Miranda gasps. She looks at the barren filing cabinets and the bloodstained walls, and computers that just barely flicker to life. Even she can’t hack into things that don’t work in the first place. Jane rests a hand on her shoulder, and Miranda jerks away. Jane knows the plan as well as Miranda does, but she’s beginning to suspect there’s a part of it that Jane doesn’t know.

Maybe there’s a deep-rooted vengeance that Miranda needs to achieve, for the loss of her childhood, for being a pawn in a dangerous game, for her sister. She can’t imagine how many people she wants to mercilessly kill, and Jane knows she’d never stop her. These were the kind of people who didn’t deserve a second’s hesitation. She just prays that all this time, Miranda hasn’t been chasing ghosts. Ten years is a long time to hunt something that simply isn’t there.

“Miranda, we knew that we weren’t going to strike gold at every outpost. We knew that, and it was always part of the plan.”

“But you don’t get it. This is my mess to clean up, and I can’t do that if there’s no trail leading us anywhere.”

“We know where the second bunker is,” Kaidan reminds her. “That’s where we look next, right?”

“Yes, but… but look, they could have _all_ evacuated long ago and been dead for years. And we’ll never find them.”

John steps forward and holds a hand up. “We’re here to cure the disease, not kill every Cerberus bastard we see. If we succeed, they won’t matter.”

“He’s right, Miranda,” Jane replies. 

Miranda’s eyes water and she shakes her head. “No. Not for me. It still matters. I want every single one of them to pay. I don’t want them getting away.”

“If it makes you feel any better,” John continues, “it doesn’t look like they met the nicest fate here. There’s dozens of dead Cerberus soldiers around this facility. I think this one was overrun — not evacuated.”

Kaidan nods. “I agree. I don’t think they got away so easily here. And if the rest of these bunkers are like this? Then I guess that’s just karma.”

Miranda looks down and sighs. “I suppose.”

“Miranda,” Jane says, “you know we’re going to do this, no matter what it takes. When this is all over, we’ve undone everything they used you for, everything they’ve done. It doesn’t matter.”

Miranda wipes her eyes and nods. “Okay. Just… if we find them… if we find him? I want to be the one to put a bullet in The Illusive Man’s head.”

The three of them nod. John crosses his arms and shrugs. “I know for a fact that I won’t be stopping you.”

“Lock down bunker zero, we’ve been infiltrated,” a muffled voice says down the hallway. All four of them turn, and draw their guns. They let Miranda go first. She moves silently toward the doorframe and peers around the corner. Sure enough, there’s a guard pacing down the hallway. Jane wonders why they’d keep a guard at a completely abandoned bunker, but she thinks of the map, and how from _most_ civilization, this would logically be the first one hit. 

“I don’t know. There’s a car parked outside, and some lights are on. The back window is busted in,” the voice whispers.

Jane looks around the corner too. The guard wears a uniform similar to the one the man from the mall was wearing, except instead of a jagged blade, he wears an assault rifle strapped over his shoulder.

“Heavy weapons,” she whispers.

John and Kaidan nod, and John passes Kaidan another round of ammo to keep in his back pocket. Miranda takes a deep breath, and steps out with her gun drawn. 

“Hands away from the gun,” she orders.

The soldier looks up at her, and doesn’t move.

“You shouldn’t be here! Who are you?”

Miranda steps just slightly closer, and into the light. The guard takes a moment, and lets out a soft gasp.

“You’re her.”

“Damn straight.”

“I have orders to shoot on sight with you.”

Jane watches from behind cover as the soldier grips the handle on his rifle harder. She steps out from cover too. She feels John reach out for her, but she’s gone too fast. She holds her gun to the solider as well, and then moments later, Kaidan and John step out of cover as well.

“Go ahead and shoot,” Jane says, “you won’t even get a bullet in before one of us stops you.”

“What happened here?” Miranda demands.

“Place got overrun by zombies. Some fucked up experiments gone wrong.”

“So other facilities are up and running?”

“No,” he says, but Jane knows that all of them can call his bluff. 

A gunshot goes off and strikes just beside the guard’s foot. He jumps and loses his grip on his gun. Jane doesn’t know who fired, but it gives Miranda the perfect opportunity to grab him and disarm him. She puts him in a choke hold and presses her gun against his temple, kicking the other gun out of the way.

“There’s other facilities. Facility zero is fifteen miles from here, am I right?”

“No.”

“I worked for Cerberus, you idiot. I know I’m right. And you would have never wanted it locked down if there wasn’t something important there. Correct?”

The guard squirms and doesn’t help her, so she presses the gun to his skull harder.

“It’s our backup facility,” he finally mutters. 

Miranda nods. “That’s what I thought.”

“Backup?” Jane asks. “So what does that mean?”

“It means that everything we’d need to keep the HQ up and running is stored there. Extra copies of the virus, access codes, extra security keycards. Everything we need,” she replies, as if to taunt the soldier.

“Okay, then let’s head there,” Kaidan says.

“One matter of business,” Miranda says, looking at the soldier. He begins to fidget and wiggle out of her grip, and her grip on the gun falters. She fires, and it no more than grazes the side of his head. He cries out and grips the gash on his head, but only gets a second or two before Miranda fires a round into his chest. The guard yells again and clutches the oozing wound near his heart. His teeth stain a deep red as he chokes on blood, and struggles to breathe.

“Let’s go,” Miranda says.

Jane takes her arm and begins to lead her toward the stairs. Kaidan and John cautiously step over the dying man, still choking and gurgling.

“Wait…” he says, as they turn to leave.

They turn back around and Jane trails her eyes lower to the comm device on his arm. She notices immediately that it’s on. Something is transmitting. After another moment, Jane realizes that their entire conversation was being broadcast somewhere.

The guard smirks, crimson teeth bared, and laughs as he takes his last breaths. “Now they know you’re coming.”


	35. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well kids, enjoy the last happy chapter of this fic. For real this time. Have fun and savor it while you still can <3

 

_“Come see your sister,” her father says._

_Miranda swallows and looks down. Something doesn’t feel right. She and Oriana were together earlier in the morning before her father and President Harper called her into their office to talk. She hadn’t seen her since._

_“Why?”_

_“Follow me,” he demands._

_Miranda knows better than to argue when he wants something of her. Miranda stands up from her desk and her test tubes and petri dishes, and follows him down the hallway. Cerberus HQ always felt more like a sterile hospital or psych ward than it did a company. It didn’t feel like a helpful workplace. But what did she really know after all?_

_He leads her to the end of the hall to the viewing room overlooking the operating room, and she feels dread well up in her gut. Especially when she realizes that her sister isn’t standing in the room with them. There’s no reason for them to be here unless they’re running some kind of test. And nothing’s been scheduled for a few more weeks._

_“Where’s Oriana?” Miranda asks._

_Her father doesn’t answer, and directs her to stand next to their CEO. Miranda hadn’t known what to make of him from the moment she met him, but her father’s told her so many times that if anything, she should be grateful. When their mother died, and they left Australia, they were starting from scratch. Just a very rich and smart man with two small daughters who could be groomed into whatever someone wanted. And he’d made them perfect._

_President Harper offered them a lavish place to live, helped Miranda and Oriana find the best schooling he could, and gave her father a paycheck that bought her enough things to stop asking questions. It wasn’t until recently that she realized they’d come all this way for the sole purpose of her father and Harper to work together._

_She stands next to President Harper and sizes him up. There’s always been something slightly inhuman about him, and she wishes she could put her finger on it. His graying hair is always pushed out of his face perfectly, and his suits are pressed to a crisp. And his eyes have never seemed real or genuine. But again… maybe she should just be grateful._

_“Thank you for joining us, Ms. Lawson,” he says, and dabs the end of his cigarette in an ashtray in front of them._

_“Sure. Where’s Oriana?”_

_“Miri, we’re about to test our hard work for the first time,” her father says. There’s so much excitement in his voice that Miranda doesn’t know what to make of it. They work in science. Science can be wrong. It can be wrong, and then you try it again. First tries usually don’t go well._

_“Okay, and where’s my sister?”_

_The shutters on the windows open up, and Miranda can see what’s inside the operating room. What she finds, she can’t really fathom. Oriana lays flat on the operating table, clearly subdued in some way. Her hands and feet are bound to the table, and one of their doctors — Wilson, she thinks — hovers over her sister._

_“What’s going on? Why is she in there?” Miranda asks, trying not to show her panic._

_“Your sister has offered her body to science,” her father says._

_“What? No! We don’t know what this serum can do, and if it doesn’t do what we want, it can kill her. We can’t use this on her. We_ can’t. _”_

_President Harper remains silent and lights another cigarette._

_“She’d never agree to this,” Miranda asserts. “Let her go.”_

_“Miranda, I have not invested this much time and money into this to let the first glimpse of success go to another person. I will not have that.”_

_Miranda’s eyes well with tears, and she thinks of all the charts she has in her head on this facility. Which hallways lead to the operation room? Where can she get a gun to break her sister out? How can she stop them before it’s too late?_

_Raw panic takes over and she can’t even think as President Harper nods his head, and Dr. Wilson steps over Oriana’s sedated body._

_“No,” she whispers to herself. “Don’t.”_

_“Miranda, silence.”_

_Miranda’s been working on this serum for nearly a year and a half now, and she knows what it can do. But she also knows what can happen if it fails. Injecting_ anything _temperamental into the bloodstream could kill a person. She just prays she’s done her job well enough._

_Dr. Wilson picks up a large syringe and finds a vein in Oriana’s arm, and plunges it into her skin. Miranda shuts her eyes, and hopes she doesn’t have to watch her sister die. At first, nothing happens. She remains subdued, and her vital signs remain stable. She looks to her father, who rubs his fingers together in anticipation._

_He’d give his own daughter, and Miranda wonders if he’d give her if this fails. In some ways, she wishes he’d picked her first. She and Oriana look completely identical. Perhaps to her father and President Harper, the two are completely interchangeable. President Harper looks on too with an eager determination. However, Miranda at least knows to him, Oriana at risk is the same as any other person. He’s waiting to see if his investments and team have paid off._

_Then, Oriana’s heart begins to race._

_“She’s seizing,” Wilson says._

_“Sedate her!” Harper yells. “It’ll pass.”_

_“No,” Miranda says, “it won’t.”_

_Oriana starts to shake, and her body loses control. Blood drips from her nose, and she chokes on something. The machines beep uncontrollably and even Miranda wouldn’t know where to begin. She has no idea what the first thing to stabilize would be._

_“Let me go to her!” she yells._

_“Miranda, stop right now!” her father chides._

_Miranda pulls away from him and goes to the glass window, and bangs her fists against it. “Open the door, now!”_

_“Ms. Lawson, do you really think a twenty-year-old lab assistant would be able to save her more than a certified doctor?”_

_“That’s my sister, you bastard. Let me_ go.”

_Wilson reaches behind him for a sedative and checks for the right dosage. He finds the syringe and turns around, but by the time he does, everything’s stopped. Miranda waits, hoping her heart will start beating again, and that she just needs to be stabilized. Her eyes drip tears, and she waits, unable to breathe._

_“Come on,” she whispers to her sister. “Don’t do this.”_

_“No life signs,” Wilson says over the comms._

_Miranda lets out a single sob, and covers her mouth to hold it in. She knows better than to let everyone see her cry, but this has to be an exception. And if her father isn’t somehow distraught too, she doesn’t know if he’s even human._

_“Henry, I’m…” President Harper begins. “This was unexpected.”_

_Rage bubbles in Miranda’s chest and she turns around. “That’s all you can say? You’ve killed someone. Someone important to him, someone important to_ me! _And all you can say is that you didn’t expect it? I warned you, and you didn’t listen. And now she’s dead. What? Am I next? The next batch goes to me?”_

_“Miranda, watch your tongue,” her father snaps. She wishes she could see any remorse, any sadness in his eyes, but there’s nothing._

_“I won’t. You know I won’t. And one day, I swear I will make you pay for all of this.”_

_“Uh, sir?” Wilson says._

_“What is it, Wilson?” Harper responds._

_“Look at this.”_

_Miranda turns around to find Oriana’s hands shriveling to barely anything. It’s almost as if she’s decaying at a rate inconsistent with_ any _known science. Miranda’s chest tightens and she watches as the decay spreads up Oriana’s arms and to her face. And then, her eyes open. They’re not the same warm blue eyes she’s used to seeing, and it’s not the same face who would laugh at Miranda’s terrible jokes, or stay up all night braiding each other’s hair, talking about what their lives will be like when they’re finally old enough to make their own choices. Her eyes are a dark and milky blue, and Miranda’s not even sure they can see anything._

_Oriana gasps, frantically, almost as if ravenously hungry and begins to fight against the restraints. Blood streams from the gashes she creates on her wrists and ankles and she fights with everything in her to get away. Wilson backs away from the table, and despite the horror unfolding before her, Miranda quickly realizes she would not feel bad if Oriana happened to kill Wilson._

_“I said,_ sedate her _,” President Harper shouts._

_One of Oriana’s hands comes free and she manages to grab Wilson. He lets out a scream, and she tugs him toward her. Miranda hardly knows what to make of what she sees until Oriana takes a bite out of him. Blood spurts from a wound on his neck, spraying all over the room. He screams for mercy, but she gives none. It’s something Miranda’s seen in horror movies, something that could never happen in the real world._

_Oriana drops her grip on Wilson, and he collapses to the ground. Miranda can’t believe how much blood he’s losing, and knows he must have been dead nearly instantly._

_“Put her down!” Harper screams._

_A soldier enters through one of the side doors, and Oriana shoots up on the operating table. The guard jumps back and fumbles with his gun. Miranda bangs the glass, and yells for them to let her in. She thinks maybe she can reason with her sister, that if anyone can get through to her, it’s her. But instead the soldier opens fire._

_A bullet strikes through Oriana’s stomach and she collapses back on the bed. Miranda begins to think of first aid, of everything she knows about gunshot wounds. She knows a lot, and she thinks maybe she can help her._

_“Can I… can I go to her?” Miranda asks._

_“No,” her father says._

_“Let her in,” President Harper responds._

_One of the glass doors slides open, and Miranda steps in. She hesitates, but realizes Oriana isn’t fighting back now. Even if she does, maybe dying isn’t so bad. Maybe it would be okay if she got to be with her sister._

_“Ori? Hey… it’s just me. I’m not going to hurt you like they are.”_

_Miranda hovers over the bed, and looks at the oozing gunshot wound in her sister’s body. She rests her hands on top of it, and watches the blood seep through her fingers. Her sister barely looks human. She looks nearly decomposed and clearly thirsts for something new, something ruthless. If she were not like this, then maybe she could help her. She could take her to the medical ward and patch her up. But this Oriana is hardly Oriana. She doesn’t fight back, and she doesn’t want to hurt Miranda. At least that much is still human._

_“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” she sobs. “I should have known. I should have been able to stop them.”_

_She looks up, knowing that her father and President Harper are watching and listening to every word she says. President Harper lights another cigarette, and pays little attention._

_“I’m going to kill them. I promise you, I’ll kill them.”_

_She thinks that her statement will get a rise out of them, but instead, her father turns to President Harper._

_“What do we do now?”_

_“Henry, I don’t think this is a failure. But I think we’ve found a new solution.”_

 

_***_

“He wasn’t always called that, you know,” Miranda says.

Jane snorts. “Yeah, I believe that. Who pops out a kid and thinks ‘Yep, I’ll call this one The Illusive Man’?”

Miranda laughs too and covers her eyes with her arm. “If I were going to give myself a nickname once I became all high and powerful, it’d be so much less pretentious.”

“Like what?” Jane teases.

“I don’t know. Not _that_.”

“But is he a formidable opponent? Or is he all talk?”

“He himself is mostly talk. But I wouldn’t underestimate those around him. He’s probably had a small army guarding him for the past ten years. If you can get him away from the eight assault rifle wielding assholes for five minutes, I’m sure he’s an easy kill.”

“And you’re going to kill him?” Jane asks.

“Yes. And if my father is alive, I’ll kill him too. Unless something somehow changes, I want to be the one to do it.”

“Something changes?”

Miranda smiles. “If one of you finds a better reason to kill him, I’ll step aside.”

Jane smiles back. “I’m honored.”

“Good.”

Miranda and Jane lay together in bed. Miranda knows it’s not her fault the bunker was empty, or that they’ll have to look elsewhere. But it doesn’t make the dreadful feeling in the pit of her stomach go away. 

She knows that the other bunkers are going to be fortified and that they’re going to be in trouble. She knows tomorrow she might lose the only family she’s even come close to in ten years. Dying doesn’t bother her. It’s always been something she prepared for. She can’t help but think of her sister, laying helpless on an operating table. All while Miranda did nothing.

She thinks that her sister dying is the most painful thing she’s ever lived through. She doesn’t want to see Jane die and know that she was wrong.

“I just want to fix what I started,” she whispers.

“We will,” Jane reassures her, brushing her leg against Miranda’s.

“Ten years of thinking all about what I’ll say or what I’ll do when I’m face to face with them. What if the time comes and I can’t do it?”

“Miranda…”

Miranda sits up. Her eyes water and she tries to look away from Jane. “What if I’m not brave enough to do it? And what if when I do, it doesn’t make me feel better? What if no matter what I do, I still get up every morning, see myself, see _my sister_ and know she’s still dead because of me?”

Jane thinks a moment. Maybe it’s a thought that’s never occurred to her. Sure, she and John are twins, and there is a clear resemblance, but there’s definitely enough of a difference that she never looked in the mirror and saw him staring back at her.

Jane sits up too and crosses her legs in front of Miranda. “Hey, listen to me. We get through it. You didn’t survive ten years out here, most of it alone, because you’re weak. Whatever feelings we have on the other side of this? We get through them, and we figure it out. And you know you never have to do it alone. I’m always going to be right here.”

Miranda feels tears drip down her cheeks and she shakes her head. “I… I’m so afraid you won’t be.”

Jane reaches her hand up and wipes away Miranda’s tears. “I’m gonna be.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I’m not dying, Miranda. Any of us dying isn’t part of the plan.”

Miranda swallows and tries to calm herself down, but it’s not nearly as easy as she hopes. She sniffles, and her eyes well up again.

“I know. I’m just scared.”

Jane slides closer and wraps her arms around Miranda. “Now, is the perfect woman actually admitting she’s afraid?”

“I’m not perfect,” Miranda asserts, “but yes.”

Jane’s quiet for a moment and presses her forehead against Miranda’s. “You’re perfect to me.”

Miranda laughs through her tears and shakes her head. “You’re so corny.”

“Aw, come on, it’s cute and you know it.”

“It’s really cute.”

Jane smiles, and pulls Miranda in for a kiss. Their lips brush against one another and it sends chills up Miranda’s spine. They haven’t been together for very long, but sometimes it feels like she doesn't remember a time before Jane. Maybe those times are so marred with pain and misery that there’s no point. 

“I love you,” she whispers.

“I love you too,” Jane replies. “You have no idea how much I love you.”

“I do,” she says back.

“And,” Jane begins, “we’re going to make it through tomorrow. I promise you, baby. We’re going to be okay.”

Miranda nods. “It sounds so easy when you say it.”

“Because I believe it’s true.”

Miranda kisses her again, and Jane slides herself into Miranda’s lap. Miranda’s always liked how much smaller Jane is. She’s thinner, less filled out, and far shorter. But there’s a lot of energy, determination… a lot of hope in such a small person.

Jane kisses her harder and pushes her against the headboard. Miranda lets her hands wander down Jane’s body and their chests press together. Jane lets out a soft sigh and bites down on her bottom lip. If this is their last night together, if this mission goes south, she wants to spend it all with Jane.

Miranda weaves her hands in Jane’s hair, taking out the bun she had her hair in, and running her fingers through it. Jane gives a grateful hum against her skin, and kisses lower down Miranda’s neck.

Jane removes her lips from the side of her neck and cups her face. She strokes Miranda’s cheek and smiles. Miranda reaches down and pulls Jane’s t-shirt over her head, exposing her freckle ridden bare skin.

“I want you tonight,” Miranda whispers.

“We’re not going to die,” Jane reassures her.

“Dying or not, I know what I want.”

“Okay,” she replies, and kisses Miranda again, “just keep it down so we don’t disturb the boys.”

Miranda laughs. “You got it.”

 

***

 

The house is eerily quiet, and all John can focus on are the sounds of Kaidan brushing his teeth before bed, and the fire crackling in front of them. When they’d returned to the house, all of them knew they’d be facing something tomorrow that maybe they weren’t ready for. Something that they might not survive. Miranda had been somber and quiet, but Jane stayed with her, and seemed to cheer her up somehow. It then occurred to him that it was hardly sadness or defeat, but an intense focus.

Kaidan steps out of the bathroom and shuts off the light. He’s changed out his jeans and jacket for a pair of sweats and a soft sweater that John’s been thinking about curling up against all night. He’s left his hair curly after his shower, and he’ll bother with shaving sometime tomorrow. John thinks that if this is their last night on Earth, then he wants Kaidan like this. Undone, unguarded… real.

He pauses a moment in front of the fireplace, and nudges the logs to get the fire going more. He sits on the edge of the pullout mattress and leans back. John holds a hand out for him, and Kaidan curls into him. 

“Hey,” John whispers.

Kaidan smiles. “Hey.”

He pulls Kaidan’s chin forward and presses his lips against his. He tastes like minty toothpaste and a bit like the whiskey that they shared earlier in the night when their bed was still folded up inside the couch. John feels his cold hands up the bottom of Kaidan’s sweater, and he flinches.

“Stop that,” he laughs.

“Never.”

“Rude,” he says, and kisses him again. 

Kaidan pulls away for a moment and shuts his eyes. John tugs him closer. He keeps telling himself not to be sad, not to be scared. They’ve _always_ made it back. But something about tonight feels final, feels like a point of no return. He knows they've stepped into a bigger puddle than usual, but he just hopes no one has to die to get out of it.

John rests his head on his elbow, and after a moment, Kaidan moves closer and rests his head on John’s arm, and weaves himself against his body. John tugs the covers around the two of them.

“What are you thinking about?” Kaidan asks.

“Stuff. There’s a lot to think about.”

“Mmm, yeah,” he replies. “Anything in particular?”

“About what’s at stake if we fail.”

Kaidan nods. “A lot.”

John rests his hand along the side of Kaidan’s face. “Yeah. It’s on us to fix this. If we die… so does any hope of fixing the world. I just hope we’ve done enough, if we’ve done our research, know the risks. I keep thinking maybe there’s something we’re missing here, something that can keep us safe.”

Kaidan silences him with a kiss. “It’s… It’s gonna be—it’s gonna be what it is.” 

“What are you thinking about?” he asks.

“Everything. Good times, bad times. We’ve been through a lot these last few years, but there’s nobody I’d rather have gone through all of it with than you. And that makes me believe that things are gonna be okay.”

“You think we’re gonna make it?”

Kaidan nods. “I know we are. I promise you that.”

He goes quiet for a moment and looks away. It’s the same look he had earlier in the day in their room. There’s something he wants to say, or do, something he’s worried he won’t have a chance to say or do again. John takes his hand and pulls it close to his chest and rubs the back of his palm.

“Sorry. There’s just a lot to think about. I’m getting distracted,” he says.

“I understand,” John says, “come here.”

Kaidan leans in for another kiss and slides on top of John. He wraps his arms around him and kisses him harder, biting down on his bottom lip and gripping the auburn hair on his head. Kaidan’s scruff brushes against his mouth and tickles him, but he can’t think to break their embrace. John grinds his hips against Kaidan’s and hears him moan softly into his mouth. John’s hands wander lower to Kaidan’s waist and slips his hands under the fabric.

“God, you’re just… so…” Kaidan gasps against his lips.

“I know, so are you,” John replies, and pulls him in for another kiss. Kaidan laughs against his lips and it sends chills all over John’s body. But despite how much he wants Kaidan physically, he knows this isn’t the time. And he knows he’ll have other chances.

Kaidan slowly pulls away, and shuts his eyes. “I’ve got something for you.”

John smiles. “Like a present?”

Kaidan laughs under his breath. “Something like that.”

Kaidan reaches into his pocket and pulls out the small bag he’d brought from their room. Whatever’s inside, he debated not bringing it, and nearly forgot it. And the second his hand touched the bag, there was a sense of anxiety and hesitation. But now, he seems happy to show it off.

“Look, I know that it seems like we’re facing the impossible, and that we might not make it. But I believe we will. I just don’t want to take us for granted, ever.”

“Me either,” John replies.

“I’ve never loved somebody the way I love you. And I know that there isn’t anyone else for me. For as long as I live, it’s always going to be you. There’s no way I could have made it this far without you by my side, and I don’t want to ever imagine a day without you. I’m so lucky to have met you, and so lucky that you were willing to love me back. So… I have something for us.”

John smiles and rests his hand on the bottom of Kaidan’s chin. Kaidan opens the small pouch and drops two rings out onto John’s chest. They’re silver, and nearly identical. Simple. Marriage never seemed like John’s thing growing up. He’d brushed it off as romance being stupid and not worth it, but then Kaidan came into his life, and everything changed.

“You… you’re proposing?” he stutters out.

Kaidan pauses a moment and shakes his head. “No, not really. Look, it may be a while before we get to do anything like this in any formal sense. I don’t know if I would even want a ceremony, or all the bells and whistles. I was always a little hesitant about marriage, thinking it was something I was supposed to do because I _had_ to. But I just want you.”

John smiles back. “I want you too”

“So, for us. You take one, I take one. It’s not marriage, just a… promise between you and I that no matter what happens, we come back to one another.”

Kaidan passes one of the rings to John, and he eyes it over. Kaidan goes to slip John’s ring on his finger, but John stops him.

“No way, you can’t give me a ring and not let _me_ say something.”

Kaidan laughs. “Okay. Go ahead.”

John thinks for a moment of all the things that he could say to Kaidan. He’s said most of them over the past five years in some capacity, but the words seem to have more weight now. Until the world fixes itself and goes back to normal, this is the closest they’ll ever have to wedding vows. He wants to make sure that whatever he does, it’s right.

“When I first saw you, I thought that you were one fine piece of man,” he starts, and Kaidan interrupts with another laugh. John presses his finger to his lips, as to not wake up Jane and Miranda. “But I learned there was so much more to you than being really, really hot. You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met, and I’ve never doubted for a second that you were the love of my life. There isn’t anyone else out there who I’d rather be with, and until I die, it’s always you. I am who I am today because you were willing to love me, and you didn’t stop. No matter what comes at us, or what we have to face, I know that I’ll get through it with you at my side. For better or for worse, right?”

Kaidan smiles, and brings his thumb up to the side of John’s face where a few tears have leaked down his cheek.

“For better or for worse,” Kaidan repeats.

John takes Kaidan’s left hand and finds his ring finger, and he starts to slide the ring on. Only for it to get stuck at his knuckle.

“Shit.”

“Try the other one. It might fit better,” Kaidan says, resting his head against John’s chest as he laughs.

“This is why people have fricken rehearsal dinners, Kaidan,” John teases, picking up the other ring. He slides it onto Kaidan’s hand with ease, and pulls his hand against his lips to kiss it. It looks nice. John’s never thought about how great Kaidan would look with a wedding band on his finger, but he feels a certain warmth when he sees it. Kaidan picks up the other ring and thinks for a moment.

“John Shepard,” he begins, “you are the love of my life. Nothing in the entire world will change how I feel about you and how much I love you.”

He kisses the ring, and slides it onto John’s ring finger. They weave their hands together and John looks down at their fresh rings. They look good. Perfect, actually. He didn’t imagine getting married ever, and in a way, he still hasn’t. But he thinks maybe swapping rings late at night, just the two of them whispering to one another, is the perfect thing for the two of them.

Kaidan leans down and presses a kiss to his lips, and John kisses back. He clutches Kaidan’s curls, and makes the kiss last long and tender. When Kaidan pulls away, he rests his head on top of John’s and kisses his temple.

John wants to stay like this forever. He doesn’t want to leave this bed, or his pseudo-husband, and he never wants either of them to face any danger again. He wraps his arms around Kaidan, and holds him protectively. After a moment, Kaidan holds on back, and tucks John’s head into the crook of his shoulder.

“We skipped ’til death do us part’,” John says.

Kaidan laughs. “Yeah, let’s skip that until we’ve got a nice, safe house, maybe a baby. At least two dogs.”

John laughs too. “A baby? Where the fuck are we supposed to find a baby?”

“Who knows? Never know when you’ll accidentally acquire a child.”

John rolls his eyes.

“Okay,” Kaidan says, “the baby is entirely negotiable. The two dogs? Non-negotiable. At least two.”

John smiles and nods against his chest. “Deal. Two dogs it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beautiful art done by Dakotaliar on tumblr :)


	36. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can say about this chapter is I'm very, very sorry for what's about to happen. I'm formally requesting low key liveblogs of this chapter.
> 
> BUT!!! console yourself with the beautiful art done by Dakotaliar on tumblr in the mean time, to go with the prior chapter!!!

Jane feels dread in the pit of her stomach as they begin to approach the facility. Miranda sits in the passenger seat as she drives, and keeps watch ahead. They left the house mid-day, figuring time wouldn’t make much a difference in this case. Cerberus knows they’re coming, and they have a chance to fortify the base before they get there. Whatever they face is what they’ll face. She wishes she didn’t have to look at it that way.

Miranda looks out the front window as they get closer to a heavily forested area. Trees are scattered around them, but the highest concentration is in front. It’s dark and there’s a single gravel road leading up a hill. She can make out the silver tops of _something_ but nothing to indicate that it’s Cerberus. Jane puts her foot on the brake for a moment. Kaidan leans forward from the back seat and shakes his head.

“I don’t like the looks of this.”

“Yeah, I vote let’s not go into the creepy forest.”

“Do you want to cure this virus or not?”

“I do,” Kaidan says, “but I’ve seen a movie or two.”

“It’s hidden so that people can’t find it,” Miranda says.

Jane takes her foot off the brake and nods. “Alright. Onward.”

She navigates up the gravel road, the tires skidding at a few points as the road devolves into hairpin turns. As they move up the hill, she sees it. Windows. Slowly, a building built into the side of the mountain comes into sight. It’s silver and white, with big windows, and watch tower at the front.

“Again,” Miranda says, “don’t presume it’s small because it’s not all visible.”

“Oh, I’m not assuming anything,” Jane replies.

They make their way up the hill, and Miranda points for Jane to park in an area that the cameras can’t detect. Jane parks the car behind several large trees, and out of view of one of the nearest cameras.

“We’re good here.”

“Ready?” Jane asks.

She looks in the rearview mirror and sets her sights on John. He’s been quiet the whole trip, and she knows it’s weighing on him that something terrible could happen here. She knows it too, but John’s never been great at hiding things. He holds onto one of Kaidan’s hands and brushes his thumb against the back of his palm. Obviously in a car with her and Miranda, he can’t be as open and affectionate with his concerns. But at least he has that. Instead of looking nervous himself, Kaidan pulls John’s hand to his lips and kisses the back of his palm.

“Ready as we’ll ever be,” John replies.

The four of them step out of the car. 

“So what’s the plan if they steal our car?” Jane asks.

“We hide, and then when we’re in the clear, we run,” Kaidan says.

“But they won’t steal our car. There’s nothing of value in it. And they have no use for a car, really.”

“You’re optimistic,” Jane says.

“She’s just saying that because one time we did lose a car,” John replies, loading up his pistol.

“It wasn’t fun,” Kaidan adds on.

Miranda pulls out a blueprint of the facility and the other three gather around her. Jane immediately realizes she would have been doomed in architect school, but she’s glad her girlfriend is at least somewhat intelligent.

“So we’re going to enter through the basement because hacking a back door won’t be as much of a risk. Then, we work our way up the stairs. We’re looking for the control center and the security room. The control center will have what we’re looking for to get to the HQ, and the security room will have badges and ways to get in without tripping the alarms. Security room is on the bottom floor.”

“But what are you talking about with access codes?” Kaidan asks.

“Codes to get in, codes to disperse,” Miranda says. “If we have those, we can launch the cure through the atmosphere processor. Without it, we’ll never be able to make it work.”

Kaidan nods. “Well, okay, then that’s our goal. We don’t need to mess around or look for things we don’t need. Not right now.”

“I agree,” John replies.

Jane looks to them, and nods as well. “In and out. No risks. Got it.”

Miranda rolls up the blueprint and heads toward the back. They keep themselves low and Jane hides behind bushes whenever they’re in sight of a window. Miranda stops ahead of them, and she peers over the top of the hedge. Inside, she makes out the shadows of several soldiers, and sees them step into sight. They’re well-armed, and well armored. It’ll take some lucky shots and serious stealth to get out of there alive. She looks back to John and Kaidan, where they’re also ducking behind the bushes, and sees Kaidan reach behind him to brush his hand against John’s leg.

“Alright,” Miranda whispers, “they’re gone, let’s keep getting closer.”

She approaches a small cut out in the thick brush and plants, and finds a single door with a keypad on the side of it. The group bunches around Miranda and ducks behind the bushes. They're out of sight of the windows, but in case any scouts happen to pass by, they want the jump.

Miranda looks over the keypad, and begins to type numbers in. Jane doesn’t ask how she knows the code, but the door clicks open with a soft hum, and they’re in. Miranda steps inside first, and finds they’ve entered through a utility closet. The door doesn’t close right away, and she turns around to see that Kaidan’s pulled John into his arms.

He brushes his thumb against John’s cheek and whispers something to him. He presses a kiss to his lips, and John holds him back. 

“We’re going to be okay,” he whispers, and John nods.

She figures she should give them one last private moment before shit hits the fan, and they miss their chance. But she hates to think of the cost if it does go south. Jane looks around at crates of bullets and guns, and even a few heavier weapons like grenades. The boys look at the shelves near them, and Kaidan opens one of the crates.

“Ammo. Would fit our guns,” he says.

“Good,” Jane says, “take some extra. And anything else that looks helpful.”

Kaidan nods, and shoves a few more packs of ammo into his bag. He passes a few to John, who tucks them in his back pocket. Miranda looks underneath the door, and no shadows pass underneath. She pops the lock open and looks outside. 

Jane imagines that this is what the other facility looked like once. Completely clean white and silver walls, and equally pristine and sterile floors. Each lab room in the facility has large clean windows, and most of this hallway seems empty. Miranda steps out and Jane and the boys follow. They scan for potential enemies, but there’s none down here.

The building smells of antiseptic and steel, and Jane wonders who could really live here for that long. Did Miranda live here? She looks up, and spots a small machine scoping the hall with a tiny blue laser. She was always more outdoorsy, not so technology driven, but she has to imagine that this is some real futuristic shit in here. She’s never seen anything quite like this before.

But at the same time, she can’t shake the feeling that she’s being watched, and that they’re walking into a huge trap. Sure, they expected an army at the door, but having no idea what lurks around each corner is not better.

Just as they step into the hallway, Kaidan grabs Miranda’s arm.

“Cameras.”

“If we find the security office, we can shut them down.”

“But not before then?” 

She shakes her head.

“We might need it more escaping than we do now,” John adds.

Kaidan sighs. “I don’t like the sound of that, but okay.”

“The stairwell is there,” Miranda says, pointing to a door at the end of the hall. The group moves toward it.

Suddenly, footsteps echo down the hall, and Jane can’t identify where they’re coming from. She turns just as the stairwell door behind Kaidan opens and a guard brandishing a gun presses it to the back of Kaidan’s head. John pulls his gun immediately, and it only makes the guard press the barrel further into Kaidan’s skin.

“Freeze,” he says.

“You drop it first,” John replies.

The guard laughs. Jane removes her hand from her holster. Another gun in this situation is only going to make it worse. She’s learned that sometimes brute force doesn’t get what you want. _Sometimes_. She looks to Kaidan, and sees only the faintest sense of worry on his face. He holds his hands up in surrender, and lets the guard step out of the stairwell and into the hallway. He cocks the gun to fire.

“John, drop your gun,” Kaidan says.

“I’m not — no way,” he replies.

“Do it,” Kaidan orders.

He looks at the three of them, knowing that the guard can’t see his face, and he holds an advantage there. John lowers his gun, and the guard chuckles.

“See? He lowered it,” Kaidan says.

“Wait until backup arrives. You won’t stand a—.”

Kaidan moves his head to the side, and the gun goes off. A bullet shatters the glass window behind Miranda. Kaidan elbows the guard in the stomach and knocks him back, giving enough space and angle for Kaidan to grab the gun and disarm him. He presses the gun to the back of the guard’s head as he holds him in place.

“Security room. Where is it?” he asks.

“I won’t tell you shit.”

“Well, that’s not going to go very well.”

John raises his gun again and steps forward. Kaidan presses the gun into the man’s head more.

“Tell us where we can find it, and what we need to get in there. Or you won’t have a chance to live and regret it.”

Jane watches, and thinks of what she learned about Tarak, and Kaidan killing him. They’ve been traveling together for nearly six years now, and she’s never seen Kaidan hurt a living human before. He wasted no time on zombies, but humans seemed off limits. He’d done it once and paid a price. But to learn that all the years he spent hating himself for being a killer, and to realize Rahna had been killing to stay alive this whole time… perhaps there’s part of him that genuinely doesn’t have time to look for kinder options. Or perhaps it’s Cerberus, and what he knows about them now. They’re the last people to deserve mercy.

All she knows is that he’s not bluffing when he says he’ll kill the guard.

“You’re shitting me. You wouldn’t kill me. You’ll just have every other soldier on you. And when The Illusive Man hears about this…”

Miranda lets out a soft giggle. “He doesn’t care if you live or die. Everyone here’s a number or a position to fill. You die, he’ll find someone your size to take the uniform.”

“Security room access. Now,” Kaidan repeats.

“Back pocket,” the man says.

Kaidan reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a badge. The guard swallows and Jane rests her hand on her gun. As Kaidan takes the keycard, the guard begins to move. He jerks, and swings his arm, now brandishing a knife. The blade slices through the sleeve of Kaidan’s shirt, and he doesn’t even take a moment to react before firing a bullet into the guard’s head.

The guard falls and blood pools around his head. John lets out a sigh and goes to Kaidan. He looks at the cut on Kaidan’s arm. It’s nothing serious, and mostly superficial, but he passes Kaidan a wad of gauze anyway to keep over it.

“That’ll get us into the security room,” Miranda says.

“I think we should split up,” John suggests. “Me and Kaidan can take the security room and shut down the cameras and alarms. We’ll get there as clean as possible. You guys get a jump on the control center and those access codes. It could take some time to find. By the time you get up there, we’ll have everything deactivated and we’ll catch up.”

“Got it,” Miranda agrees.

Jane hesitates. “I don’t like splitting up.”

“No one does,” Kaidan says, “but John’s right.”

Jane nods. “Fine. You guys do that, and we’ll clear a path to the control center up top.”

John rests a hand on Jane’s shoulder. “Be safe? And stay on walkie-talkies.”

“Be safe,” she agrees.

John and Kaidan slip down the hallway, guns drawn and head toward the security room. Jane’s not sure if they’ll face resistance there, but she’s shocked they haven’t seen more soldiers already.

“We ready?”

Jane nods. “Ready.”

Miranda guides Jane up the stairs, and over the guard’s dead body. They reach the main floor, and Miranda ducks down below the windowed door. Several pairs of footsteps race past the door, and she shuts her eyes. Jane keeps her eyes peeled over the edge and watches the Cerberus guards race toward the bottom level of the facility.

“They’ll have gotten an alert that one of their guards is dead,” Miranda whispers.

“So they’re heading for John and Kaidan?” she replies.

“The security room is pretty defensible. If John keeps watch while Kaidan gets into the system, they’ll probably be okay.”

“Probably?”

“Yes, no more or less probable than us being okay.”

Jane nods.

“One more floor, and then we’ll be at the top.”

“And then what?”

“It’s up to John and Kaidan to get that door open and let us in.”

“Then we’d better hope they can handle those soldiers.”

 

***

Kaidan brushes the key card against the scanner at the door, and waits a moment for it to hum open. The door pops open and they step inside. The security office is small, and only a few desks and computers, headed up by one large system at the center of the room. John locks the door behind them, and they keep low. It’s abandoned, and he’s beginning to think they’re just really the luckiest people in the zombie apocalypse. They said there'd be resistance, but so far there’s been very little.

“How’s it going guys?” John asks over the talkie.

“Fine so far,” Jane says back, “but we’re just in the stairwell. We’re expecting to find some resistance when we open the door.”

“Don’t give them ideas,” Miranda says in the background.

“We’re in, and we’re investigating. I’ll get Kaidan on one of the computers, and we’ll be in business.”

Kaidan surveys the computer systems. They’re high-tech, and something he hasn’t seen in years. He sometimes wonders what the world would look like had the apocalypse not happened. Sometimes he wonders if they’d have flying cars by now, how tiny cell phones would be. If touch screens would be the total norm. He thinks that maybe the untouched future would have looked something like this. Then it dawns on him that he might not even know how to work these kinds of machines.

“You good?”

“Yeah,” he replies, “just trying to figure out what to do.”

“Shut down security cameras. That’s most important.”

Kaidan sits down in front of the large LCD screens and taps on them. A scanner appears before him, and he looks down at the badge in his hands. He raises it to the computer screen, and it begins to register the barcode. Suddenly, the screen fills with folders and utilities. 

“I’m in,” he says, voice low and dramatic. On purpose.

“This isn’t a spy movie, K, _please_ ,” John groans.

Kaidan smiles and begins to survey the operations on the computer. “Oh come on, I always wanted to say that.”

“What can you see?”

“It’s got cameras on all the different hallways.”

“Good, deactivate those so Jane and Miranda can get through.”

Kaidan holds up a hand. “No, I’m going to keep them up. Look.”

He points to one of the screens, where he spots Jane and Miranda stepping out of the stairwell. They look as if they’re moving in a rush, and Jane slams the door shut behind them. She locks it and jams a chair under the doorframe as they move down the hallway. His gaze follows them to another frame where they wait outside a heavily barred and locked down door. Miranda frantically punches numbers in, but the rim around the door flashes an angry red.

“Okay, they’re there. I need to get that door open for them—.”

A bullet cuts through the glass window of the security room, and strikes one of the machines near Kaidan. The computer — thankfully not the one he needs — sizzles in its final moments, and John steps closer with his gun drawn.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, but I think they’re coming for us. Look, I can get them into that room if you buy me a little time. Keep them off of me, and we’ll be okay.”

John nods. “Got it.”

John looks around the room as the footsteps approach, and he grabs a steel desk that’s on the other side of the room. He hoists it up and puts it in front of Kaidan, and ducks behind it himself. Four soldiers round the corner and Kaidan turns to get back to work. He’s studied computers, but he doesn’t know how to keep up with technology that kept advancing past the apocalypse. But basic codes and navigation should still hold up.

He begins to search through the utilities and operations on the computer, and find one that seems promising.

 

DOOR OVERRIDE 

 

As he presses the button to get into the utility, a bullet ricochets nearby. He jumps at the blast, and looks over his shoulder. John unloads one of his magazines into a soldier. The bullets bounce off his armor, but one finds a home between the shielding and he grunts in pain. As he bends over to console the bullet wound, John shoots again, this one, hitting him in the forehead. He goes down.

“We have intruders in the security room!” one of them yells into his comms. “Send backup!”

Kaidan swallows.

“How’s it going, K?”

“I’m working on it!”

“Working on it isn’t cutting it. Get them in there and help me out.”

More bullets fly, and Kaidan sees the impressions they’re leaving on the table they’re using as cover. One of them’s going to break through and hit him or John. He skims the names of the different doors within the building.

B A R R A C K S

C A F E T E R I A

L A B S A

L A B S B

 

He swears he goes through fifty names, and not a single one labeled “Control Room” or “Control Center”. There’s no control anywhere.

“God dammit,” he mutters.

“Come on, tell me you can do it,” John says.

“Do not pressure me,” he snaps.

“Yeah, I’m the one taking on bullets here, so anytime you can figure it out would be great!”

Kaidan rolls his eyes and continues skimming. He must have missed something. There’s no way that he can open every door from this computer except for one. That would just be all too complicated and coincidental.

Then he sees it.

 

A L P H A

 

“I swear to god, if this isn’t it…” he mutters to himself.

“Yep, keep talking to yourself,” John advises, shooting more of the soldiers. Kaidan looks behind him for a moment, and sees one of the soldiers clutching a bleeding wound in his stomach. He struggles to fire, and the bullet embeds itself in the steel desk. Kaidan presses the button for “Alpha”. He glances back at the screen where Jane and Miranda wait outside the Control Center, and the door lights up green.

“Thank fucking god,” John says. “Now help me out with this?”

Kaidan nods, and steps away from the computer. They ditch the desk and take cover behind the large computers in front of them. Kaidan peers over the edge and fires a few rounds at the nearest soldier. A bullet lands in his throat and he begins to gag and collapse to the ground.

Two more soldiers round the corner, and one of them leaps into the security room through the broken window. Shards of glass cut into his hands and blood drips onto the desks. He approaches Kaidan and fires a shot into their cover. Kaidan reloads his gun and looks over. As he does, a bullet flies through the air and hits the soldier in the head.

The last soldier — now looking awfully concerned — fires on them relentlessly. Kaidan fires a shot at the soldier’s hands and he drops his gun. Blood sprays onto the white and silver walls, as he scrambles to reach his weapon again. As he does, Kaidan singles in on the uncovered space on the soldier’s chest and fires. 

John takes a deep breath and sits down on the tiles. Kaidan looks him over for injuries, but he’s fine. The only blood on him doesn’t seem to be his own. That, Kaidan can more than live with.

“We good?” he asks.

“We’re good,” Kaidan says. “Let’s shut those cameras off.”

“Wait a minute,” John says, looking at the screens.

“What?”

Kaidan watches too, and then he sees it. More soldiers, surrounding something — or someone — approaching the Control Room. 

“We gotta get to them. They’re about to be ambushed.”

 

***

 

The inside of the Control Room is full of technology that Jane’s never seen in her life before, but Miranda seems well versed in it. The Control Room windows overlook the expansive landscape in front of them. She’s sure back in the day it used to be green and lush, but now it’s mostly dead and abandoned. She paces toward the window, knowing she’s hardly more than security here, and looks out.

“Some view, huh?”

She nods. “Yeah. Too bad they’re fucking evil here.”

Miranda quirks a smile and steps behind one of the computers. She begins to type, and nothing happens at first.

“Okay, there’s a code for the synthesizer here.”

“So you can make copies of the cure?”

She nods. “Yes, I’ll be able to make copies at a rapid pace, while also dispersing the cure. But I need that code. The processor won’t even work if we don’t have it. But I’m sure it’ll take me a few minutes.”

Jane knows John and Kaidan have accomplished enough to get the Control Room door open, but haven’t made it back up here. She hopes they haven’t had to face too much resistance getting here.

“Fuck,” Miranda mutters. “It’s locking me out.”

“Keep working on it, Miranda,” Jane encourages, but she really has no idea what she’s talking about. Her knowledge of computers is so minimal, she’s sure it’s easier said than done.

“I’m trying. I need more time.”

“Okay, I think we’re fine. I don’t think anything’s coming for us. The cameras are off—”

Guns click down the hall, and she immediately thinks it’s John and Kaidan. 

“In here!” someone shouts.

She’s not wrong on her belief that it could be John and Kaidan, but she certainly doesn’t expect the two of them to have an escort of highly armed guards. They look unharmed, but the guards toss them into the Control Room. One of the guards drags Kaidan away from John, and John begins to panic. Kaidan holds up a hand, and tells John to relax. Another guard points his gun at Jane and ushers her over near Miranda, and Miranda away from the console.

She presses a few buttons and steps away when the guard shoves the gun at the back of her head. She takes her place next to Miranda and they toss their guns on the floor as directed.

A man enters the room, and examines the four of them. He’s tall and handsome — but looks like he’s not entirely human. There’s something evil, something dark about him that Jane can’t place her finger on. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s wearing a business suit to the goddamn apocalypse, and looks like he’s been living in luxury for the past ten years. Jane knows already that this has to be The Illusive Man. She makes note to let him know his name is fucking stupid.

“Miranda,” he teases, “you simply don’t know when to give up.”

“I promised I would come back to kill you,” she says.

“And you have yet to make good on that promise. And I highly doubt that you will today. I don’t think any of you will be getting that chance. Did you really think that four people — an ex-scientist, two farm kids, and a freshmen engineering student would be able to stop all of this?”

Jane swallows, and clears her throat. “You did.”

“Excuse me?”

“You thought we’d be able to. Because if you didn’t think we were capable, you wouldn’t have all these guards here. You wouldn’t be holding us hostage here. You wouldn’t have come to the Control Room. You would have just run and saved your asses.”

He steps closer to Jane, and she quickly realizes he’s armed. He has a sidearm on his hip, inside his jacket, and she knows someone like him wouldn’t be afraid to use it. Though, she doubts it would be on all of them, but maybe one of them, just to prove a point.

“You’re trying to cure the Lazarus virus.”

None of them respond. There’s no need. He already knows.

“I figured that she’d be the one to try and find a cure. Because Miranda — and you three included — don’t see what kind of opportunity this brought us.”

Kaidan furrows his brows. “Opportunity? You think this is an opportunity? For what? To prove you’re the strongest humanity has to offer, while you live in some chrome bunker with your pressed suits and gelled hair? I think you could have lived your rich boy fantasy without killing half the population. You must be some special breed of deranged to think this is any kind of solution.”

The Illusive Man smiles. “It’s a shame that all of you want to do something like this. Surviving out there for ten years speaks to your strength and skill. If your perceptions and judgements weren't so skewed, I might say you were the best of humanity for making it this far.”

The Illusive Man turns around and looks at the computer, and smirks. Jane looks to Miranda. She doesn’t know if she’s gotten the access codes, or if they have what they need to go to the HQ. But if The Illusive Man can see what they were trying to get, then he can change the codes and put them back to the start.

“I know what you’re trying to do, Ms. Lawson,” he begins, “you think that whatever cure you have, you can use the headquarters to disperse it. You think that if you can get yourself into the facility, you’ll be able to cure it.”

Miranda doesn’t flinch. The Illusive Man walks over to her and places his hand along her jaw.

“Isn’t that right?”

She refuses to move, and The Illusive Man tilts his head slightly. The guard behind Miranda moves his gun from the back of her head, and strikes her across the side of the face. Jane’s body tenses up, and she fights against the guard’s grip on her hands. Miranda consoles the cut on her cheek and spits blood from the cut on her lip onto The Illusive Man’s perfectly shined shoes. While he’s distracted, Jane spits on him too.

“But you’re missing something. Something you need most. Something that will stop your entire plan in its tracks.”

Miranda’s eyes water. Jane doesn’t know what to make of it. For them to have gotten so close, and failed to get the dispersal codes… it doesn’t seem possible. And she doubts The Illusive Man will give her another chance to retrieve them. He draws his gun and looks around the room at the three of them. He waits a moment, sensing their hesitation and anxiety, and fires on the computer. It flickers dead and Miranda shuts her eyes. 

“It doesn’t matter, you know,” Jane begins. “It doesn’t matter if we don’t have the codes. It doesn’t matter if you stop us here. Because we aren’t going to stop trying, and we won’t stop trying to cure this. Whatever you do, there’s always going to be our next try. If it’s not us, it’s going to be someone else. Someone better. Someone you should more afraid of. Also, your name is fucking dumb.”

The Illusive Man paces over to her, and she sees his finger hovering over the trigger. She’s faced death so many times before, and she’s come back from it before. But this would be different. Not in front of Miranda, or John.

“I know that,” he says. 

She can smell the scent of cigarettes and whiskey on his lips and it makes her shiver. She wants him away from her.

“Which is why I just need something to slow you all down.”

He raises the gun and fires it in Kaidan’s direction. Jane jumps as the gun goes off, and her ears ring. 

“Oh my god,” Miranda gasps.

Kaidan clutches his side as he slowly drops to the ground.

_It could be blanks, to make us scared,_ she tells herself. _It’s probably just blanks, just so he has time to get away._

Kaidan lets out a low whimper of pain and shuts his eyes. He curls into himself around the wound and struggles to keep himself sitting up. Maybe it just skimmed him, nothing serious. Or she keeps telling herself that to make herself feel better.

Jane looks to John, and expects him to react stronger, to want to go to Kaidan. But his expression is blank, and she can’t read it. She thinks that this is shock. Maybe he _can’t_ process what’s happened or what he’s seeing. His eyes are coated with tears, but he doesn’t move and hardly breathes. She understands the feeling. She’s still hoping the she’s right and it’s not real bullets in the gun. Something deceptive. Something someone named The Illusive Man might do.

Instinct and anger take over. If you mess with one of them, you have to deal with all of them. She wants The Illusive Man to know exactly what he’ll have to live with for what he’s done.

“You - you,” Jane begins, and lunges forward at him. 

Miranda grabs her arm, and The Illusive Man steps closer to Kaidan and presses the barrel of the gun to his forehead. Kaidan barely reacts, and she wonders if maybe he can’t. Jane looks down at Kaidan, at his hands filling with blood and knows this isn’t some trick. This is real, and he’s running out of time.

“Jane, don’t!” Miranda yells. “He _will_ kill him.”

Jane holds her hands up in surrender. Her eyes water and a few tears drip down her cheeks.

“Just… let one of us go to him,” Miranda pleads.

“No,” he says, and crouches down beside Kaidan. “You don’t have the access codes, and now you have to see him die too. You all still have potential. There are things we can use you for. Cerberus could use you.”

Kaidan winces and grabs his wound harder, but musters enough to speak. “Fuck. You.”

The Illusive Man smiles, and backs away when he realizes that blood is getting on his shoes. He turns to the other three, and nods his head. The guards step away from the three of them, and circle around the door.

“Good luck with your cure, Ms. Lawson,” The Illusive Man says, before his guards encircle him and they step out of the door.


	37. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I'm still sorry.

John reaches Kaidan first, surprising no one. Jane’s shocked John can even move, but she senses it’s the part of him that needs to take care of people kicking in. Emotions and shock can come later. Kaidan needs to make it out of here alive first.

He crouches down beside him and cups the side of his face. Kaidan lets out a stifled cry of pain and leans his head back against the cabinets behind him. Jane can barely see the worst of it, but she can tell its bad already. She crouches in front of Kaidan, waiting for orders on what to do to help.

“Hey, Kaid, lemme see? Let me see, okay?” John says, brushing his thumb against the side of Kaidan’s cheek.

Kaidan hesitates a moment, and pulls back his hand. Cold air sweeps into the wound and he gasps in pain. Jane takes it all in, and feels like she’s going to be sick. Half of Kaidan’s shirt is already an angry crimson, and the stain is spreading fast. A slick coating of blood covers his hands and arm, and his breaths are struggled and slow. She thinks of her wounds back in Boston, and can’t remember if they were this bad or not. If she found a way to survive, maybe Kaidan would too.

“Fuck,” Jane whispers, “this is not good.”

It’s not what John needs to hear, and he ignores her. John puts Kaidan’s hands back, and adds his own, applying more pressure to the wound. Blood passes through Kaidan’s fingers and onto John’s hands. No. This can’t be right. He can’t be losing this much blood this fast. Kaidan whimpers at more pressure, but doesn’t fight it.

Kaidan struggles to speak. “I… I need you guys to get out of here.”

“No,” John replies. “Not without you.”

“I won’t even make it back to the house. Go while you still can,” he chokes out.

“Miranda?” Jane asks.

Miranda slides in closer to Kaidan and presses her fingers to the side of his neck. “Pulse is slow, but if we hurry, I can help him back at the house.”

“Alright,” John agrees, “then that’s what we’re doing.” 

“Hang on,” Miranda says. “Kaidan, can you feel your legs?”

He swallows and nods. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Then as carefully as we can, get him to the car.”

Kaidan stops Miranda before she goes to help John hoist him from the ground. Jane watches as he curls a bloody hand around her wrist. It doesn’t impact Miranda whatsoever. “You have the access codes, right?”

John looks to Kaidan, and then to Miranda. “K, did you miss that-?”

“I do,” Miranda says, nodding.

“What?” Jane asks. She knew Miranda was good, but this is a new level of exceptionally good. Maybe the last few taps she administered to the screen were what did it, and she just didn’t realize.

“I… I have them. He needed to believe we didn’t have them. Or he’d change all the codes.”

Jane sighs. “Thank god.”

“Alright,” Miranda instructs, “John and Jane, you take him, and I’ll clear a path.”

Miranda steps aside and lets Jane get closer to Kaidan. John slides his arm around Kaidan’s back.

“Ready?”

Kaidan bites down on his lip and nods. “As I’ll ever be.”

John helps him lean forward and get up. Jane watches more blood leak through both of their fingers, and knows standing him up was a terrible idea. Kaidan lets out a stifled cry, and leans against John. Jane slips her arm around the other side of his back and slings an arm over her shoulder. Miranda leads them out of the room. It only takes a few steps for Jane to realize this is going to be one hell of a walk to the car. She’s beginning to worry that Kaidan may not even make it there.

With each few steps he grips onto Jane’s shoulder harder, trying to keep himself calm and the pain under control. 

_Just keep going,_ she tells herself, _he’ll be fine. Just don’t stop._

“Miranda,” John says, struggling to carry the weight, “we can’t get him down the stairs.”

She nods. “Elevator.”

Miranda calls the elevator, and braces her gun. The door opens, and its empty. Jane and John help Kaidan into the elevator and Miranda pushes the doors shut. She stands in front of them before the doors open again, and steps out to check if the coast is clear. When she gives the signal, they step out, and keep moving down the hall. Jane sees the door to the utility closet ahead, and focuses on that. She doesn’t focus on the amount of weight she’s struggling to carry, she doesn’t focus on the sound of blood dripping onto the floor, and she tries to ignore the fact that Kaidan’s condition is deteriorating fast.

“Come on,” Miranda says, opening the door. 

Footsteps and voices echo in the stairwell, and they know they’re being followed. 

“A little faster,” John encourages Kaidan, but they’re only able to go marginally quicker. Miranda pulls the door shut behind them, and brings them outside. While they get a head start, she barricades the door to the utility closet, just as soldiers begin to bang their way through.

Jane sees the car up ahead and finds more strength to keep going. 

“Almost there,” she says, and Kaidan doesn’t respond.

Miranda pulls open the backseat door as they reach it, and John helps Kaidan slide in. He lets out a soft groan and leans his head against the seat, shutting his eyes. He takes in deep breaths, but Jane can tell each one is excruciating. 

“Miranda, you’re the only one calm enough to drive,” Jane says.

Miranda nods and slides into the driver’s seat. John strips off his flannel and balls it up, pressing it to Kaidan’s wound. He brings one of Kaidan’s hands over it, and then his own. Kaidan swallows tears and whimpers as John applies more pressure. A few tears leak down the side of his face.

John looks back to her. “Help Miranda and keep watch to make sure we aren’t being followed.”

She steps away, and climbs into the passenger seat. Miranda starts the car and looks back at John and Kaidan. 

“We good to go?”

Kaidan nods. “Just… don’t hit too many bumps.”

Miranda pulls around the wooded area and begins to move down the curvy path down the hill. She knows that each hairpin turn is probably putting Kaidan through an unreasonable amount of pain, but she knows Miranda took painkillers from the last base. She just hopes that Kaidan makes it long enough to get to them.

As they round a corner, they hear humming behind them. Jane turns around, and sees another truck speeding up behind. She pulls out her gun and rolls down the window. She leans her body halfway out as Miranda drives faster, and begins to fire. A few bullets strike the front of the car, and one breaks part of the windshield. She reloads and continues. One of the soldiers fire back, and she slides herself back in the car. The side mirror shatters and clatters on the ground. She fires another magazine into the car, and at the last bullet, the windshield shatters. She reaches for her last thing of ammo and reloads. She fires a few bullets and sees blood spray out of the one Cerberus trooper’s head. Another few bullets and the same happens to the driver. 

The car begins to spin out of control and speed up. 

“Miranda, make this turn up here!” she shouts. 

Miranda does as she asks, and the car skids to the side. She grips one of the racks on top of their Jeep as they lose the Cerberus car. The Jeep begins to tip to the side, but steadies itself out. The Cerberus car careens into a nearby tree and catches fire. Jane watches a few more moments, but no more trucks come.

She slips back into the car.

“Did… did she?” Kaidan begins to ask.

“Yeah, yeah she did,” John replies.

Jane turns back to the two of them. Kaidan manages a smile. “Nice.”

He looks even worse, and now the panic is beginning to show on John’s face. He holds his shirt against Kaidan’s stomach, but he keeps bleeding through it, and his lips are beginning to lose color. Jane doesn’t look up and make eye contact, worried it might give it away that she’s less hopeful Kaidan might survive.

“We’re almost there,” John whispers to him. “Almost there.”

Kaidan leans his head against John’s shoulder and nods. Even watching him for a few seconds, Jane knows he’s trying to keep John from panicking. He could have spent half the time screaming in pain or making it more visible, but he’s been so calm, so stoic. Jane knows Kaidan well enough to tell it’s an act, and she knows John well enough that he’ll buy it just to keep some peace of mind.

Miranda pulls up to the house, and quickly jumps out of the car.

“You guys bring him in, and I’ll ready a place to work on him.”

She rushes inside and Jane hears her moving things around. She hops out of the car and rounds to John’s side, opening the door.

“We made it,” John says to Kaidan. “We made it, K.”

Kaidan grips his shoulder and braces to have to move again. John helps him out of the car and slings him around his shoulder. With each step, Kaidan lets out a whimper of excruciating pain. Jane tries to ignore it, especially as they move up the steps.

They push open the front door and Jane sees Miranda’s taken the mattress John and Kaidan slept on last night, and laid it on the floor, and surrounded it with tons of medical supplies. Damn, she’s fast.

“Lay him down,” she orders.

John helps ease Kaidan onto the mattress. Jane stays to the side with Kaidan, and reaches for one of his hands. Miranda tosses John’s bloodied shirt aside and unbuttons Kaidan’s. Jane braces herself for what she’s about to see, but finds herself shocked when the wound itself is so tiny. So much damage and danger, all for a tiny wound. The cold air gets into the wound and Kaidan grips her hand tighter. 

“Okay. I need to stop the bleeding,” Miranda says to herself.

“Is there anything we can do?” John asks.

“Keep him calm. He’s going to need it.”

John’s eyes water and he moves himself behind Kaidan. He gently tilts his head up and rests it in his lap, clutching Kaidan’s other hand. As Miranda washes her hands and her tools, John leans over and presses a kiss to Kaidan’s forehead.

“Hold on for me, okay?”

Kaidan nods weakly.

“Promise?”

Kaidan squeezes John’s hand and nods. Jane can’t believe how calm John’s been, but she’s chalking it up to shock, to him hardly understanding how bad this really is. They’ve never had someone survive a fatal gunshot wound out in the field before. If they were back at the Safehouse with Dr. Chakwas, maybe there’d be a chance.

Miranda takes a large wad of gauze and hovers above the wound. She looks up to Jane, and the two make eye contact.

“What?”

“Remember what I said. Keep him calm.”

Jane nods and brushes her thumb against the back of Kaidan’s hand. Miranda presses down on the wound with plenty of pressure. Kaidan’s body jerks, and he grips at Jane and John’s hands until they both go pale. John holds onto him and presses a kiss to the top of his head. 

“Relax. It’s going to be okay,” he whispers, “It’s okay.”

Kaidan’s eyes leak tears and Jane knows he wants to do much worse. He gasps for air and chokes on a sob. He tilts his head into the crook of John’s arm and mutters something only John can hear. John holds him tighter.

“You’re doing great,” he says, “just keep hanging tough.”

Miranda presses down harder when the current pressure doesn’t quite do it. Kaidan bites down on his lip, hard enough to make it bleed. Jane reaches forward and brushes away a few drops of blood that drip down his chin. Jane isn’t sure how much of this can watch. She knows the pain Kaidan is actually in is astonishingly worse than he’s making it look, and both facts set her on edge.

“I’m still not applying enough pressure. He’s losing too much blood, and we need to stop it.”

“Okay, so do it,” John orders, keeping his attention on Kaidan.

“It’s going to be highly painful.”

“Yeah, and getting shot isn’t already terrible?” he snaps. “If it’s going to save his life, just do it.”

Miranda’s hands shake, but she nods and moves over the wound again. Jane senses that it won’t be pretty, so she looks away and focuses on John and Kaidan. Within a few seconds of whatever she’s doing, Kaidan lets out a struggled scream of pain and grabs both hers and John’s hands so tight she’s slightly worried her hands will break. She holds on back and pulls his hand against her chest. 

“Hey,” she whispers, “feel my heartbeat, okay? Keep breathing and stay calm.”

Kaidan tries to nod but the pain takes him under again, and he struggles to hold himself together. Even near death, he’s worrying about keeping John calm. It’s then that it starts to hit her what’ll happen to them all if Kaidan doesn’t pull through. The train of thought starts, and stops nearly immediately. Thinking that way won’t help them right now. 

Miranda lessens some of the pressure off for now, and Jane sees Kaidan relax just a bit. He curls into John as much as he can and lets out a choked sob into his arms. John strokes the side of his face and tells him he loves him, but it doesn’t make the situation better.

“Miranda, can we do anything for him? This won’t end well,” she asks.

She looks down at Kaidan. He’s hit a point in his suffering where he’s hardly conscious. Sweat drips down his forehead, and he’s struggling to breathe. John kisses him again and whispers something in his ear. 

“I… I can give him a sedative that will help. But he also might go unconscious.”

John looks up. “What?”

“He might be knocked out for a while-.”

“If you put him under, he might not wake up,” John says.

Miranda nods. “It’s a risk either way. There’s no guarantee.”

John’s eyes fill with tears, and he sniffles them away. He holds onto Kaidan and rests his head on top of his.

“John,” Jane begins, “he’s suffering.”

“Jane’s right. And if we keep him awake, he’ll likely pass out from the pain anyway.”

Kaidan musters up enough energy to speak, and holds onto John’s hand again. “It’s… it’s up to you. I’ll be okay.”

Jane wishes for just a moment that Kaidan would stop trying to convince John this will end well. John chokes on a sob into Kaidan’s hair and shakes his head. It’s a rock and a hard place for all of them. Seeing Kaidan suffer — someone who made a point of _not_ suffering, keeping them all on the up and up — hurts more than either of them can process. But taking the risk and knowing he may not wake up again seems like a choice no one wants to make.

“If I do this, will you promise to come back to me?” John whispers.

Kaidan nods. “You know I always do my best.”

John kisses his forehead again and wipes his eyes. “Okay, Miranda, go ahead.”

Miranda reaches over to one of the bottles and pulls out a syringe. She fills it and checks the dosage. Kaidan lets go of John’s hand and offers his arm to Miranda. She rolls up his sleeve for him and finds a vein in his arm. Jane looks away as she plunges the syringe into his skin, but Kaidan doesn’t flinch. She’s gotta imagine that a needle feels like paradise compared to getting shot.

It takes less than a minute before Jane sees Kaidan visibly relax. He shuts his eyes and John brushes his fingers through his hair. Kaidan’s grip on her hand loosens drastically, but she holds on anyway. She doesn’t know how lucid he is, and the thought of letting go seems cruel.

“So whatever you do now? He won’t feel it?” John asks.

“Next to nothing.”

John nods. “Okay.”

Quiet is the only way to describe the next hour or so — or at least she thinks that’s how long it takes. She watches Miranda stop the bleeding, putting immense pressure on the wound that she couldn’t before, and Kaidan doesn’t respond to any of it. It feels more like something she’d have watched on TV as a kid, but she can’t stop reminding herself that this is someone she loves dearly. Someone whose death would break part of her for good.

Jane doesn’t ask many questions. Just a few. What can she do? Is she sure taking the bullet out isn’t the best course of action? When will he come to? Miranda doesn’t have answers for all of them. Jane turns to John, and notes that now that Kaidan’s unresponsive and quiet, there’s something catatonic about her brother. He barely blinks and his stare seems to go on forever. He holds Kaidan’s hand absent-mindedly, and keeps brushing his thumb against the back of his palm. 

Jane turns to Miranda as she takes out a suture kit and begins to close the wound. She knows they have to get to a real hospital. Miranda’s bunker maybe, or even all the way back to the Safe House where Miranda can work with Chakwas. She just wonders if Kaidan even has that time.

Miranda cleans the blood on the wound and applies a few layers of gauze and tight bandage on top of it. Jane turns back to Kaidan. She brings her fingers to the side of his wrist, and his pulse is slow, but nothing immediately dangerous — she thinks.

Miranda leans herself against the couch once the bandage is on and smooths her fingers through her hair. Her gaze too seems to stare far beyond, and she doesn’t even care at the blood getting on her face and in her hair. She lets out a sigh and shuts her eyes.

“He’s okay?”

She shrugs. “He’s stable for now. We need to watch him, and the sooner I — or someone else — can really operate, the better.”

Jane nods. “Okay.”

Miranda stands and wobbles against the couch for a moment or two. Jane looks back at her brother, and wonders if there’s anything she can say that will get through to him. She rubs his arm.

“Hey, why don’t we get you cleaned up?” she suggests. Her voice shakes, and she knows it’s a stupid thing to worry about. All they want is to sit by Kaidan’s side until he wakes up, fully expecting him to apologize for scaring them, and then get back to work. Maybe he’ll take a few days easy, handle more strategic things. But he’ll be fine, she hopes.

John shakes his head at first. She nudges him and tries to get him to stand. After a few tries, he gently rests Kaidan’s head down on the pillow and rises. He looks down at the scene around them, and she knows something terrible is about to happen. John surveys the sheer amount of blood, his unconscious, suffering boyfriend. Any rational person would panic at the sight too, but it doesn’t mean his response will be rational.

“I… I,” he begins.

John looks down at his hands, and how badly they’re shaking. But he focuses on something specific on his hands. His eyes fill with tears and he begins to frantically scrub off the dried blood on his hands.

“There’s… I got blood on my ring,” he stutters out.

_Not just blood. Kaidan’s blood_ , she thinks. Her eyes focus in on a silver band on his ring finger, and it feels like a punch to the stomach. She hadn’t noticed it before, but Kaidan’s wearing one too. Also covered in blood. John continues to try and scrape away the stains on his hands and on his ring. 

“It’s… Kaidan found these for us, and I got blood on it, and it won’t come off,” he says, but so quickly and quietly, as if to himself that Jane barely makes sense of it. His chest rises and falls rapidly as if going into some kind of mad panic. His brain’s moving faster than he can keep up with and she has no idea how to stop him.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay, we’re going to get it off. It’ll be fine, John,” she says.

“It’s not fine, Jane. It’s not!”

When he looks back up, his eyes are full of rage and tears. But not at Jane, at Miranda.

“This is your fault,” he says, and begins to walk toward her. “All of this is your fault. If it hadn’t been for this stupid fucking virus, nothing would be like this.”

Miranda faces him — unafraid — and doesn’t flinch at his words. Jane knows that it’s nothing she hasn’t already said to herself.

“If we hadn’t been following _your_ plan to get the codes and cure this, Kaidan wouldn’t be fucking dying right now! If it weren’t for you, he’d be fine, none of this would’ve happened! If he dies, it’s on you-.”

Miranda grabs the collar of John’s shirt and pushes him against the wall. Her arm spans his chest and throat and he gasps at the force of her shove, and even Jane is shocked at her strength.

“If it weren’t for me, he’d have been dead an hour ago because you couldn’t do anything to help him. If it weren’t for me, your sister would be dead too. And there’d be no hope of this disease ever coming to an end. I think you should think again about what it is you’re saying to me.”

“Both of you!” Jane shouts. “Knock it off!”

Miranda presses her arm against John’s throat some more, and she can tell John’s only getting closer to a panic. He gasps and tears leak down his face. Jane steps between them and pulls Miranda off him. She backs away, and sits against the couch. Jane helps John to the ground where he breaks into tears in her shoulder. She holds him tightly and cradles his head against her.

“Shh,” she whispers, “it’s okay. It’s going to be okay. You’re having a panic attack, but we’re going to get through it.” 

He breathes rapidly, and his heart races against her chest. She runs her hand up and down his back and tells him that she loves him over and over again. John holds onto her for dear life and grips the fabric of her shirt. She wishes she had something she could say to him, but everything seems hollow and useless when he’s undoubtedly facing the hardest thing he’s ever had to.

“Jane, he’s gonna die and there’s nothing I can do to stop it,” he sobs into her shoulder. “Kaidan can’t… he can’t die. I can’t survive that.”

She kisses the side of his head. “Yes you can, but we won’t let that happen. We’ll do whatever we can for him. You know that.”

John nods and Jane picks his head up. She wipes his tears and holds him steady. “We won’t let him die, okay?”

John takes in a deep breath and holds onto Jane’s hand. She gives him all the time he needs to steady himself and calm down. She leans forward and kisses his forehead, pulling him in for another hug. She squeezes him tightly, and moves away.

“Here, why don’t we go clean up your ring now?”

John hesitates a moment and looks back to Kaidan. He wobbles a bit as he stands, but goes over to Kaidan and slips his ring off too. Then, he lets Jane walk him to the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, your thoughts and comments are so greatly appreciated, along with your continued support <3


	38. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: Still sorry.

 

Miranda washes the blood off her hands and watches the angry crimson swirl around the water and disappear down the drain. If only the rest of this problem could go away so easily. She’s not totally sure when the rest of her senses will come back, or when she’ll be able to eat without wanting to throw up. All she knows is that right now, she can barely hear or feel, and her ability to take account of her surroundings is really minimal. 

_You’ve done all you can,_ she tells herself. But she’s been here before, and it’s not the first time she hasn’t been able to save someone. It might be too soon to tell with Kaidan, but she knows the feeling she has in her gut, and it’s not a good one. With Jane, she had a full medical arsenal and could operate properly, and keep her pumped with meds and other equipment. Here, she’s got a bunch of bandages and ketamine, and can only pray the wound isn’t worse than it looks.

The bathroom door opens and Jane steps inside. Miranda looks up at her, and her expression is somewhat blank. It’s times like this that she feels like a robot, because a lifetime of being alone, being used, makes it so impossible for her to understand other people’s feelings or tie the links between them. She realizes now that it’s not only John that will break if she lets Kaidan die.

Jane rests her hands on Miranda’s waist and presses her head to the center of her back. She takes a few struggled breaths in, and sighs.

“Thank you,” she says.

Miranda feels as if she’s been kicked in the stomach because she doesn’t deserve any thanks. She hasn’t done anything to warrant it. Her eyes water and she hears John’s words echo in her head over and over again, like they have been since it happened.

“For what?”

“For doing whatever you could. It… it would have been a lot worse if you weren’t here.”

Miranda knows it’s true, but she’s only ever been able to take credit for her mistakes. And she can’t stop thinking that maybe along the way she did something wrong. Maybe she made any internal bleeding worse, maybe she got bacteria into the wound and it’ll get infected. Maybe moving him caused spinal cord damage and he’ll never walk again. Maybe it would have been less of a risk if she weren’t there and just let the Shepards handle it.

“I’m not so sure about that.”

Jane sighs and nods. “I’m sure. Come here.”

She turns Miranda around and slips her arms around her shoulders. Miranda’s eyes water and she tries to swallow her tears. It doesn’t work and Jane wipes her eyes. She sniffles out a cry and shakes her head. 

“I didn’t do enough.”

“Look, I know what John said, but-.”

“He’s right.”

“No, he’s just-.”

“He’s right, Jane. If I hadn’t come in with this plan, or if I’d planned better, or if I hadn’t even _helped_ create this virus in the first place… this wouldn’t have happened to Kaidan. And now, I can’t even do anything to help fix it.”

“Any one of us could have died at any point along the way or in the future. If you weren’t here, there wouldn’t be any hope of ever having a normal life. We could be wandering aimlessly for years, and any of us could have gotten shot in the head, no chance of saving us, by some random scavenger shit, and that would have been the end of it. Everything in this world is just — constantly changing variables. If one thing doesn’t kill us, maybe something else will. Trying to find cause and effect lines isn’t worth the time, Miranda.”

Tears slip down Miranda’s cheeks and she grips Jane’s shirt tighter. “But what happens if he dies?”

Dread washes over Jane’s face, as if it’s a question she hoped she’d never have to hear. Her eyes water too, but she does a better job of holding it together. It doesn’t take away the blank, broken look in her eyes or the way her hands shake just slightly harder than they were before. 

“We’re going to do everything that we can to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

It doesn’t answer the question, but Miranda understands. It’s one she doesn’t want to answer. But she can imagine the reality herself. If Kaidan dies, something in John will too. Despite only knowing he and Kaidan a few months, she knows that if John loses Kaidan, he’ll never be the same. He might walk around for the rest of his days, empty and consumed by grief. Jane might not be the same either. Miranda imagines her trying to take care of her brother, guiding him through grief the way she’s sure he did after Thane’s death. But there’s something about John that makes Miranda wonder if he could come out of it the way Jane has. Miranda has full confidence that Jane would have found the place she is now without her. Jane didn’t overcome because she found love, but because she’s a survivor.

Jane pulls Miranda into her arms and holds her tightly. Miranda lets out a choked sob into Jane’s shoulder, and Jane tries to quiet her.She wishes she knew why she was so upset, and has some ideas, but nothing concrete. And suddenly she feels foolish. Jane could lose someone who is close enough to family, and _she’s_ holding it together more than anyone else. She feels Jane’s hot tears drip into her hair, and let out her own set of sobs. Her hands shake and she holds onto Miranda like it’s the only thing keeping her up.

Miranda weaves her hands in Jane’s hair, and the power seems to shift. Jane curls herself into Miranda’s shoulder and cries into the fabric of her shirt. She shouldn’t have to fix everyone, and keep it together. It’s no secret that she’s terrified and doesn’t know where to let the fear out. Miranda knows that she could be that person. She’ll exhaust herself to death being brave for John. 

“It’s going to be okay,” Miranda whispers, kissing the side of her head.

Jane doesn’t nod, but she holds on tighter. She keeps herself quiet, knowing that John isn’t far away and that hearing her cry and show fear might trigger his own feelings again. Miranda runs her hand up and down Jane’s back and tells her how much she loves her, but she doubts it’ll work. She feels like the only way any of them will feel better is on the guarantee that Kaidan will live, and they’ll end this together.

The sun’s gone down, and it’s safe to say they’ve all had a longer day than they bargained for. Miranda picks up Jane’s head and kisses away the remains of her tears for now. 

“Let’s go to bed, okay?”

Jane gives a half-hearted nod and lets Miranda lead her back to their bedroom. Jane strips out of her bloodstained clothing and tosses them far enough away that she can’t see them anymore. Miranda helps her slide into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt before they crawl into bed together. Jane holds her close, and they both seem to know that there’ll be little sleeping tonight. But the least they can do is try. 

 

***

 

John hears Kaidan shift hours later, and lets out a sigh of relief. When he let Miranda plunge the ketamine into his system, he had no guarantee that Kaidan would wake up again. He’s stayed by his side, vigilantly watching for any change in his condition, but there hasn’t been any change. Stable. That’s what Miranda said, and he could accept that for now. It’s late into the night, and he’s been alone this whole time. Kaidan has barely even moved.

Jane stepped out of her room to let him know to come to them if there’s any signs of trouble. In a way, he’s worried because he’s not sure how to face Miranda again. He’s not sure how much she took to heart, but part of him still feels guilty for lashing out in such a way. Maybe he wasn’t wrong, but he feels ten times worse each time he thinks about it.

John scoots closer to Kaidan and takes his hand. He leans on the edge of the mattress and brushes his hand against the side of Kaidan’s face. Kaidan lets out a soft whimper of pain and reaches for the bandage on his side. Though his eyes aren’t open, John reads confusion on his face. Maybe Kaidan wasn’t expecting to survive this long.

His eyes flutter open just a little and he surveys his surroundings. John went ahead and made him as comfortable as he could be, propping a pillow under his head, taking his boots off, and pulling a blanket over him to keep his body temperature from dropping any further.

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re safe,” John whispers.

It takes Kaidan another few moments to shake himself out of the daze, but he finally holds back onto John’s hand. John brushes his sweaty hair out of his face and kisses his forehead. 

“John?” he struggles out.

He’s never heard Kaidan sound so weak, his voice so low and pained. They’ve faced hard times together, plenty of them, but nothing quite like this. It doesn’t restore his confidence the way he hopes it will.

“Yeah, baby, I’m here.”

Kaidan nods as much as he can and his sunken in eyes flicker back to John.

“How long have I been out?” he asks.

John shrugs. “Several hours. It’s night time now.”

“Oh,” Kaidan says.

“How are you feeling?”

Kaidan winces and shakes his head. “I feel okay.”

John nods. “Good.”

“How are you doing?”

John hardly knows how to respond. But of course it would be a question Kaidan asks.

_I’m falling apart._

_I can’t lose you._

_If you die, I don’t know how to keep going._

“It’s been a tough day,” is all he says.

Kaidan holds onto his hand just a little tighter. John looks him over, and knows he’s doing terribly. His face says pain, and he can’t deny that the ashy pallor of his skin is extremely concerning. But he’s still Kaidan, and he’s still going to fight like nothing else to survive. John knows that, but it doesn’t mean he’s going to make it through this. 

John’s eyes water and he bites down on his bottom lip. He so badly wants to be brave for Kaidan, but he’s finding it harder and harder to keep it together. His brain begins to think of all the final things he senses coming. He doesn’t know which kiss will be the last, if he’ll go to bed tonight and Kaidan won’t survive through it, and he’ll regret going to sleep for the rest of his life. 

A tear leaks down his cheek and he tries to sniffle it away. Kaidan reaches up, a brief wince flashing across his face, but he wipes John’s tears for him. He feels horrible that Kaidan is the one taking care of _him_ when he’s so close to dying.

“Shh,” he whispers, “it’s gonna be okay.”

John shakes his head, and feels more tears well up in his eyes. “I should have done something. I should have stopped this from happening.”

Kaidan shakes his head. “John, you know that wouldn’t have helped. If it wasn’t me, it’d be you. And we’d be in the same terrible position. You know that.”

_But it’s not the same_ , John thinks, because to him, Kaidan is the one that keeps them all going. He’s always been the most positive one, the one who keeps them believing there’s something better waiting for them, that there’s a chance at surviving. He has his moments of doubt, of sadness, just like any else. But him dying feels like nailing a coffin shut… that there’s no hope for a better world. There’s simply no point.

“I just…”

“There was nothing you could have done to stop it. Please, don’t feel guilty.”

John weaves his fingers in Kaidan’s sweaty curls and Kaidan shuts his eyes again. John knows he’s suffering and the right thing to do would be to get him more meds and keep him sufficiently dosed up until they can really help him.

“You okay?” John asks, clearing his throat.

Kaidan nods as much as he can and carefully reaches up to wipe the tears forming in his eyes. John guides his hand back down and does it for him before he hurts himself anymore. He swallows his tears but one leaks down his cheek anyway.

“Yeah… It just — god — it hurts.”

John thinks for a moment that he’s being incredibly selfish. Kaidan’s in an amount of pain he can’t even imagine, and knowing Kaidan, he’s probably fully aware that he’s dying.

“It’s okay to be scared,” John says.

Kaidan opens his eyes again and they fill with tears. “I don’t know if that’s what I am. I just — I don’t get scared of dying. I get scared of leaving you. Because there were so many things we’d never get to do, and I don’t want you to be alone. I just want you to be happy.”

John wipes his eyes and Kaidan grips the bandage above his wound as pain rushes through him again. His face goes white and it’s getting harder and harder to keep the pain under control. 

“I can give you something for the pain if you want. I know it’s bad.”

“No.”

“K,—.”

He shakes his head defiantly. “I don’t want anything. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, or if I’ll even survive the night. But… I just want to know that I made good of all the time I had with you.”

“I’ll be here,” he reminds him.

“I know. But _I_ want to be here too. I don’t want anything clouding it.”

Kaidan takes a few struggled, deep breaths and carefully slides himself over on the mattress. He lets out a soft whimper of pain, but makes enough room for John to lay just beside him. John crawls under the sheet and reaches out for Kaidan. He presses a soft kiss against his lips, and it makes Kaidan shiver, but then he breaks a soft smile.

“Tell me something nice.”

John smiles back. “Our house.”

“What about it?”

They’d been building a house in their minds for years. Late at night when things got tough or the two felt like they were at some kind of impasse or wondered if they should remain together, one of them would bring it up. All it took was a soft whisper of a room in the house, and they’d start filling it with memories they might never get to have.

“The dogs you mentioned the other night?” John begins.

“Yeah?”

“We should name them. Pick breeds.”

Kaidan smiles. “Okay.”

“I liked pit bull mixes when I was younger. I always wanted to adopt one from a shelter — like one that really needed a home and someone to love it.”

“I’m sure plenty will need homes when this is all over, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I like German Shepherds,” Kaidan says.

“Me too, but—.”

“But what?” he struggles out.

“We’d run into a problem really fast.”

Kaidan’s quiet a moment. “That is?”

“We can’t have a dog named Shepherd Shepard.”

Kaidan’s quiet yet again. Despite the severe pain he’s in, John recognizes his expression immediately. It’s his usual look of “oh dear _god,_ you’re lucky you’re handsome because you’re really an idiot”.

“Or we could… not name our dog Shepherd.”

“Right,” John agrees, “that too.”

Kaidan gives an exhausted smile and rubs his thumb against the back of John’s hand. For just a moment, John thinks maybe this is helping him. Kaidan’s eyes water again and he clutches John’s hand. He tries to form words, but instead finds more tears. John leans forward and kisses them away, pushing his sweat soaked hair out of the way. He can’t tell if Kaidan’s upset because of the pain, or the thought of them never having a future together, or both.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he whispers. “You and me are going to make it out of this alive, and we’re going to have the life we always dreamed of. I promise, okay? You just need to keep holding on, and not give up. We’re going to find a way.”

Kaidan nods and curls into John even more. He grips the fabric of John’s shirt, and chokes on a sob in the back of his throat.John helps Kaidan rest his head against his shoulder, and Kaidan curls into him closer. John can’t see his face, but he feels Kaidan’s struggled breathing against his body and his hot tears leaking onto his shirt.

“I love you,” he whispers.

“I love you too,” Kaidan struggles out. 

“I always will.”

“I know.”

They’re both quiet for a moment, aside from Kaidan’s pained breathing and the occasional sniffle. He’s trying so hard to be calm, and to keep it together, when John knows he doesn’t want to. He’s seen Chakwas give Kaidan stitches without any painkillers and he’d remained nearly stoic each time. He has to imagine that for him to react this openly, even if strained, what he’s feeling must be near impossible to cope with.

Kaidan tilts himself into John’s chest and lets out a pained sob into his t-shirt. John holds him tighter and runs his hand up and down Kaidan’s back. He whispers that it’s okay and that he loves him, and Kaidan nods with each sentiment, but John wishes he could actually help him with each thing he says.

“Will you stay here for the night?”

John nods. “Of course.”

“Okay. Just… don’t go. I don’t know how lucky I’m gonna get here. I don’t want to have missed anytime with you.”

John picks up his hand and weaves his fingers through Kaidan’s. He raises it to his lips, finding the ring he put on his finger the night before and kissing it. Their rings are completely clean, just as they were the other night, and it offers John some peace of mind.

“For better or worse, right?”

Kaidan gives a weak smile and nods. “For better or worse.”


	39. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still sorry for this chapter (and the rest to come), but I really love this chapter and all the emotions in it. Hope you enjoy as much <3

Jane’s afraid to get out of bed. She doesn’t know what’s happened overnight, just that John didn’t come wake her or Miranda. It could mean that nothing’s happened and Kaidan’s fine, or that something _else_ happened and John knew there was no point in getting them. She’d heard them late at night; Kaidan whimpering and struggling to cope with his pain, and John offering what he could and trying to help. She listened for hours as Kaidan suffered through the night, and heard each soft sob and cry he let out. Then it had gone quiet. 

Miranda shifts beside her, and Jane leans over to kiss the side of her head. She feels something tug at her, realizing that her love is resting beside her, unharmed and safe, and she has no idea if John still has his.

She climbs out of bed anyway and whispers to Miranda that she’s going to check on Kaidan. Miranda nods and remains in bed a few moments longer. She pulls on a pair of leggings and a sweatshirt from her backpack, and steps into the living room. John rests on the mattress on the floor with Kaidan, curled up in his arms. Under the blankets, she can’t tell if Kaidan’s still breathing or not, and a chill runs over her body.

_Please don’t let him be dead._

Kaidan’s skin is terribly pale, and his lips are an ashy blue. Nothing about his condition looks comforting. If she didn’t know any better…

John shifts when she opens the door and rubs his eyes. She swallows and moves closer.

“Hey,” he mutters.

She hesitates a moment. “Is he…?”

“Just sleeping. Nothing’s really changed.”

She nods. “Good.”

John shifts again, and looks down at Kaidan. It’s clear he didn’t sleep well, but at least Kaidan’s made it through the night. She’s sure that’s some kind of good sign. John wiggles his way out from under Kaidan and rests him down on the ground gently. He pulls the covers around him, and kisses his forehead before stepping into the kitchen with Jane.

“How was he?”

John swallows and crosses his arms. “Not good. But… he made it through the night. I think we all worried that wouldn’t happen.”

Jane nods. “Yeah. He’s tough though.”

“He is. But he’s human.”

Miranda steps out of the bedroom, rubbing her eyes. She enters the kitchen and John stiffens. He swallows and avoids eye contact, acting like a dog with its tail between its legs. Jane told Miranda that he was sorry, but he hadn’t had the courage to say it himself yet. Miranda puts a pot of coffee on the machine and stands beside Jane. John meets Jane’s gaze, and he sighs.

“We need to start thinking about what we do next,” Jane suggests. “We have everything we need to get to HQ and end this. But… Kaidan’s situation is a complication.”

“Three of us might stand a solid shot at taking it down,” Miranda suggests. 

“No,” John interjects. “I’m not going anywhere without Kaidan. I won’t leave him behind.”

“Do you expect us to move him? If we do, we could be putting him at more risk-.”

“I said I won’t leave him behind,” John insists.

“We can go back to the Safe House and drop him off with Chakwas,” Jane suggests. “She has a full arsenal of medical supplies and can put him under for surgery. That way he’s safe and we can come back and finish our mission.”

Miranda shakes her head. “We can’t do that. I’m worried he might not make the trip all the way there, and if he _does,_ by the time we get back here to reach HQ, our window of opportunity is gone.”

“What about your bunker in Boston?” Jane asks.

“Still far. And again… losing our chance of ending this.”

John looks down and swallows hard. “Then what if this isn’t worth it?”

“John,” Jane chides.

“No… seriously. What if we can’t do this? What if we fail, and then Kaidan dies, and it’ll have been for nothing?”

“So you're suggesting we give up?” Miranda asks.

“No, not really. Just that look — we’ve seen the cost. One of us could die because we’re in over our heads. Maybe this is just not attainable. Maybe we can’t do it. What’s the use of all of us dying before we can reach the goal?”

Jane swallows. She hates what she has to say, and the thought of it makes her feel sick to her stomach, but it has to be said. “John, you know I love Kaidan. You know I do. But this is bigger than him. He’d know it too.”

“It’s so easy for you to say,” he snaps, “because you’re not the one who might lose everything.”

The coffee pot dings and John pours himself a cup of coffee — black — and grips the mug tightly.

“I wish you’d stop forgetting that it’s already happened to me,” she responds. “That I know how you’re feeling right now.”

As much as Jane can love her brother, he’s always been this way. Always just a little bit selfish, sometimes so wrapped up in his own emotions that he forgets other people know how he’s feeling. Deep down he doesn’t forget losing Thane, he doesn’t forget caring for her and helping her grieve, always willing to lend his shoulder to cry into. But now, all he can see is Kaidan.

John quiets and swallows. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

“Miranda… what are our options?”

Miranda thinks a moment. “We make our way back to the Safe House and drop Kaidan off with Doctor Chakwas. Maybe we don’t get him there alive. Then we come back, and go to the HQ. Maybe we miss our window of opportunity. We drive back to Boston, same risks and potential results. We leave him here while we make a final push on the HQ, and hope we make it back.”

“So they all suck,” John says.

“Unless…” Miranda begins to think. John glances back at Kaidan while Miranda thinks, and Jane notices the weight pressing down on him. John has only been in love one time, and she thinks if John loses his partner in such a terrible way, he might never love again. She doesn’t find it hard to imagine.

“What?”

Miranda rushes to her backpack in her room, and returns moments later with the floor plans of the facility. There’s an excitement in her eyes that Jane hasn’t seen in days, and she feels hopeful too. It wouldn’t shock her if Miranda were able to figure out a solution to all of their problems. 

“Unless we bring Kaidan with us to the HQ.”

“ _What?”_ John gasps. “Bring him to a fortress full of soldiers who want to shoot him more? That’ll go well. He can’t even _move._ ”

She spreads out the map on the kitchen table, and points to the lowest level. “There’s a full hospital wing in the basement of HQ. They ran operations, tests, trauma care, all there. If we get Kaidan there and secured, I can operate on him and he can get on a better track to recovering. We’re close enough that he’d make the trek there, and if we can get him to the medical ward and lock it down, I can at least stabilize him. It won’t be easy, but it’s the option I’m most confident he’ll survive.”

“But how do we get _there?_ There’s going to be tons of enemy soldiers, and even if he were in perfect health, he could be killed before we get to the medical ward _anyway,_ ” Jane says.

“I know. But at least here we know we’re close to getting him the help he needs.”

John ponders the idea, and takes a long sip of coffee. “That’s a huge risk.”

“They all are,” Jane adds.

“I know. I just… He’s in no condition to move anywhere.”

“He stays here, and he’s not getting better,” Miranda reminds him.

“I know… I just… I don’t know. I want to talk about it with Kaidan first.”

Jane looks to Miranda, and she nods. It’s only fair. Kaidan’s life is the one most at risk if they carry out any of these plans, but Jane knows Miranda’s right. If there is a full hospital in the HQ, it’s close enough that he can survive the trip, and having real means of healing him is hard to dislike.

“Whenever he wakes up,” Jane says.

John nods. “He was lucid last night. I just hope that won’t change.”

Miranda nods. “Me either.”

John swallows. “We wait until he's awake to decide.”

John takes his cup of coffee and heads back into the living room with Kaidan. He sits down beside Kaidan and brushes his fingers through the front of Kaidan’s hair. Jane wishes she had something meaningful to say to him, something to assure him there will be a life on the other side of this. But she remembers how she felt when Thane was dying, and how nothing in the world could have made her understand that grief is a temporary feeling that eventually becomes more tolerable, livable. She knows John isn’t the type of person to try to understand that. All she can do is watch him tear himself apart with it.

 

***

 

Kaidan knows something is up when Miranda asks to have a few minutes with him. He knows that something had gone down while he was passed out — and something John might not be okay with.

It’s hard to really evaluate anything that had happened in the past day with the amount of pain pulsing through his body, but he knows that the absolute simplest thing he has to do is try. He knows it’s been a day since he was shot, and that he’s been fading between consciousness and drugs since then. He’s grateful that at least the pain feels more normal — more part of him — than it did last night. He barely remembers it, and maybe it’s a good thing to keep those memories suppressed. 

Miranda helped escort him to the bathroom, and allowed him some privacy for just a moment. Walking to the bathroom, even with her help, was a risk and took more out of him than he expected. But like hell if he was going to let himself be incapable of just going to the bathroom on his own.

He hovers over the sink and washes his hands. John must have cleaned him up some yesterday, but washing his hands now, he still sees blood swirling around in the sink from where it was caked under his nails and in the creases of his palms. He can barely even look at himself in the mirror. His eyes are sunken in, his skin’s gone pale, and his lips have no color. He looks like he’s dead already, and he feels it too.

“Are you okay?” Miranda asks from the other side of the door.

“Fine,” he says, and reaches back to open up the door for her. Miranda steps in, and shuts the door again. She sent Jane and John off to hunt down food for the night, but they don’t know when they’ll return. Miranda nods for him to lean against the sink, and she begins to unbutton his shirt. He hasn’t changed it since yesterday, and it’s still stained completely with blood, though dry now. It’s left behind a slightly pink and orange, stiff stain that makes it itchy and starchy, but he’s got bigger problems than his clothes being a mess.

He can barely walk, if he breathes too hard, he’ll collapse in pain, and his wound burns something terrible, and he doesn’t know if it’s just pain or infection. He’s lost more blood than he cares to think about — having seen it left behind on the mattress and blankets around him. Each time he moves, not only does he want to break into tears, but he feels like puking is the only proper response. 

Miranda reaches about halfway down his shirt when he feels bile come up his throat from the pain and he grips the sink behind him.

“You good?” she asks.

He hesitates a moment, and sucks in a deep breath to try and keep it down, but fails. He turns as easily as he can and throws up into the sink behind him. A sharp rush of pain floods through him, and he clutches his wound with one hand, and the sink with the other. He swears he feels blood pooling on the inside of the bandage. He lets out a low whimper, knowing he could show how afraid he was in front of Miranda.

He wipes his mouth with a towel, waiting to see if there’s anything else coming up. He opens his eyes and looks into the sink. He’s not sure what he’s expecting, but certainly not that much blood. He shuts his eyes again and leans his head against the mirror in front of him. _Holy fuck, I’m actually dying,_ he thinks.

Miranda passes him a cup of water, and he drinks it, rinsing the sink out.

“How bad is it?” he asks.

“It’s… we’re doing everything we can.”

“Be honest with me. Am I going to die?”

He glances up at Miranda. Her face says “yes” and she can’t hide it. She knows how bad this situation is, and that there’s a likelihood that he won’t survive his injuries. He knew it from the moment it happened too, and part of him wishes that John would have agreed to leaving him behind at the base.

“Unless we get extremely lucky, yes.”

His eyes water, and he doesn't doubt Miranda for a second. She’s brilliant, and she knows what she’s doing. She knows that unless they can manage to get to a hospital with proper care, he isn’t going to pull through. It doesn’t make it easier to hear, and he feels like a time bomb. It’s not “if,” it’s “when.”

When the world first ended, and he and Rahna were on the run, every moment was full of crippling fear that they were going to die. Each corner they turned or moment they let their guard down could have been it. Back then, Kaidan never thought he'd live ten years into the apocalypse. There’s no predicting getting this far, and maybe time is just catching up with him.

He reaches for the bandage against his side and struggles to stand back up. He swallows his tears and lets out a soft whimper as he moves. Now that he’s heard he has a death sentence, everything is starting to hurt more.

“I’m sorry, Kaidan,” Miranda says.

“It’s… it is what it is. I just… We need to end this. We need to cure the virus and be done with it. It doesn’t matter if I make it or not. That’s what needs to be done.”

“We have a plan,” Miranda adds.

“And that is?”

“We’re going to go to HQ. With you. There’s a hospital wing down below in the bunker, and if we get you there, then we can heal you, and disperse the cure.”

Kaidan grips the edge of the sink. “We cure the virus first.”

“We… haven’t gotten that far in the plan yet, but yes.”

“No, we do. We have to. If we get there and spend the most time helping me, and miss our chance? Doesn’t matter if I live or die.”

“John said he wanted to talk to you first.”

Kaidan nods. “I figured. If he senses that I’m at all hesitant about the plan, he won’t go for it. He needs to believe this is the best option, and that it’s also the one that’ll keep me alive the longest.”

Miranda swallows and hesitates. “But if you don’t make it?”

Kaidan glances back up. “You need all the help you can get, and if I die and John decides to stay back… that won’t bode well for you and Jane. I’ll make it long enough to get there and disperse the cure, or I’ll die trying.”

Miranda smirks. “That phrase feels a little too heavy right about now.”

“I guess it’s safe to say I never meant it more.”

“Okay,” she says, stepping in front of him. “Let me have a look at you.”

Miranda unbuttons Kaidan’s shirt, and she surveys the skin around his bandage. He shuts his eyes, knowing he doesn’t want to look, and see the damage. He’s grateful he was unconscious for most of the time he was being stitched up. Miranda feels the temperature of his skin, and furrows her brows.

“I’m going to change your bandage for you.”

Kaidan swallows. “Okay.”

She begins to peel back the medical tape, and he winces in pain. Any contact on that side of his body feels excruciating, and he holds his breath for several moments. She tugs slightly harder and he reaches out to grab her arm. She responds by giving it to him, letting him dig his nails into her arm. Kaidan begins to think that he and Miranda might make a great team. 

She tears back the bandage, and tosses it aside. Kaidan catches a glance at it as she throws it out. He sees blood, and puss, and plenty of other unidentifiable things that make him feel sick. Part of him still can’t believe something like this is happening to him, but the throbbing pain in his side reminds him that this isn’t fake. 

He avoids looking down at the stitches, and shuts his eyes. Miranda brushes her fingers around the wound, and he shivers in pain.

“Fuck, that hurts.”

“I know. I’m going to give you some antibiotics just to be safe. The last thing we need is for you to get an infection.”

He nods. “Yeah, that would suck.”

Miranda loads a syringe and checks the dosage. Everything else hurts so much that he doesn’t even feel the needle enter his skin. He wishes it were pain meds, but he just hopes maybe this will keep him alive long enough to make it to the HQ.

“Thanks,” he says.

“Sure.”

“No,” he continues, “for all of it. I’d have died yesterday if it weren’t for you.”

Miranda swallows and nods. “I hope I get the chance to do more.”

“Even if you don’t save me, it’s buying me time. I can’t ask for anything else. It… it gives me a chance to get my goodbyes in.”

Miranda’s expression goes blank. Kaidan feels bad for bringing the reality to the forefront again, but he can’t hide it. At the end of the day, it’s his life to lose.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Can you do me a favor?” he asks.

Miranda nods. “Yeah.”

“Make sure that Jane takes the night shift watching me tonight. Make sure it’s not John.”

“What?”

“I have to talk to her. Alone.”

Miranda hesitates a moment, and then nods. “Okay.”

 

***

 

Jane finds it strange when Miranda pulls her aside and tells her that no matter what she does, she has to be on the night shift watching Kaidan tonight. She figures that he and John would want every possible moment together, knowing they were running out of time. But the way Miranda said it left her wondering if there was something else at play.

She tells John she wants him to get sleep tonight, and he doesn’t argue it, but insists he’ll come down later to check on Kaidan. It’s good enough. They’ve managed to move Kaidan to the couch, which seems a little more comfortable than the mattress on the floor. He’s even slept better since then, less restless than before. Jane sits beside the couch on a chair after lighting a fire. 

Kaidan looks worse, somehow, and a sensation runs through her gut — the realization that he was not going to recover from this. From his sunken in eyes, to the cracked and dry, pale blue of his lips, there was no way he was improving. But then again, there was no logical explanation to why she’d survived the attack at the mall. Even with all of Miranda’s expertise, it seemed to defy the odds. For her own sanity, for John’s… she has to believe.

Jane pulls his blankets around him tighter, and presses her hand to his head. It doesn’t feel like there’s a fever, but his skin is damp with sweat and his breathing is shallow. She broke down the other day, thinking about Kaidan dying, but she hasn’t had any alone time with him to really talk about it or let it sink in. But sitting with him now, she has no idea what to feel. Just dread.

She reaches out and brushes her thumb against the back of his palm. His skin feels icy cold, and she curls her other hand around his fingers. He shifts just slightly, sensing her presence, and he swallows. She can tell he’s in pain, and he doesn’t want to ask for help. She just wishes that he understood he could do whatever he wants around her. 

Kaidan grips her hand tighter and lets out a soft whimper. Jane pulls her seat closer and brushes her fingers through the front of his hair. 

“Hey, it’s okay… tell me what you need,” she whispers. 

“Jane,” he mutters.

She nods. “Yeah, I’m here.”

She moves closer as he clutches the wound in his side, and curls up into the couch cushions more. Each breath sounds painful, and he gasps. His bottom lip quivers as he tries to sit up.

“Shh, take it easy,” she says, sliding closer, and helping him up. She rests one hand on top of his wound and the other around his back, and slowly eases him up. He lets out a pained cry and grips her hand tightly. She stays beside him and hangs onto him for a moment as his breathing comes back to normal — or as normal as it can be. 

“Thanks,” he whispers.

“Of course,” she replies, going back to just holding his hand.

He shuts his eyes for a moment and leans up against the pillows. There’s something on his mind, and she’s afraid to hear it. 

“How do you feel?” Jane asks.

He bites down on his bottom lip, and he shrugs. “Oh, you know…”

She can’t help but give a smile. It’s so Kaidan, so fitting… and it makes her think about how much she’ll miss him if he dies. Everything from his gentle smiles, and willingness to care about everyone, to the fact that he somehow _always_ knows what to do. Kaidan has always been the one to keep them all together, to keep them from losing it, and reminding them that there’s always something to keep fighting for. 

“Seriously, if you need anything, you don’t have to be afraid of asking.”

Kaidan opens his eyes again and there’s a thick coating of tears across them. “I know. How’s John?”

“Sleeping,” she says, “for now. He’s taking it exactly as you’d expect. But we’re going to get through it.”

Kaidan swallows. “Okay.”

She clutches his hand tighter. “You know it’s going to be okay, right?”

He nods. “Yeah.”

Words start falling out of her mouth, and she means them, and she hopes she’s right. But in times like these, if anyone’s going to be a skeptic, she knows it’ll be Kaidan. Maybe she’s saying them for herself, and not him. “And we’re going to get you out of this too. Miranda, John, and I are doing everything we can for you.”

His expression goes blank, and he hesitates to say anything. She can see the words on his lips, and part of her hopes he won’t say them.

“Jane, you know that’s not going to happen.”

The statement hits her in the stomach and she feels like she can’t breathe. 

“What?” she asks.

“There’s a reason I wanted you here tonight.”

“I know.”

Kaidan pauses a moment and he squeezes her hand. “You remember what you and I talked about, that night in the hospital?”

She’s hoped this isn’t what he wanted to talk about, but deep down she knew it was. She knew it in the back of her mind the moment he was shot. 

Her eyes water and she nods. “Yeah.”

Each word clearly hurts him, but he struggles through them anyway. “There’s going to be a moment — very soon — where you’re going to know without a doubt that I’m not going to survive. There’ll be no doubt in your mind that I’m going to die. And I need you to promise me you’ll make John leave.”

Tears leak down her face and she shakes her head, defiantly. “Kaidan, I can’t do that. I can’t leave you behind. I just can’t.”

“I did it for you,” he says sternly, “I did it for you back at the mall. I made him leave, and you promised you’d do the same for me.”

“But that was different. There was no guarantee that I was going to die. I was going to be right behind you,” she gasps, her tears clouding her words. 

“But you weren’t,” he corrects. “We thought you were dead. And I dragged him away because you asked me to. It killed me to do, and I know this won’t be easy on you either. But now I’m asking you to do the same for me.”

She sniffles away her tears, and doesn’t respond. He gives her hand a squeeze, but she can’t look at him. She can’t believe that this is the way things are going to end, and that none of them can come up with a better solution to save him. It feels like failure, and she can’t fathom failing him like this. 

“Jane,” he says, becoming choked up himself, “you gotta understand. This situation isn’t good. I get worse each day, and I know my time is coming to an end. I don’t have much choice. Getting me out of this alive would take a miracle, and I think we’re running out of those. And I… Jane, I can’t let him see me die. It would ruin him. I can’t let that happen.”

She moves her chair closer to him and rests her hand against his cheek, brushing the tears off his face. His bottom lip trembles and he shakes his head.

“I don’t want to do this,” he whispers, “but I have to. I need your help.”

“We’re going to get you out of this. We have a plan, okay? We’re all heading to the HQ, and we’re going to cure the virus, and Miranda’s going to get you to the full hospital downstairs, and she can help you. You don’t have to die.”

“I know the plan. And if it works, great, I guess. But I’m not stupid, Jane. I know my odds, and I know they aren’t great. What we need is for John to buy into this plan and for us to get there, and for Miranda to have long enough to cure the disease. John needs to trust that I’m going to be okay, and then we have to cure the virus. Anything after that is secondary and up in the air — including me.”

Jane chokes on a cry in the back of her throat and leans her head against Kaidan’s chest. She lets out a muffled sob into his shirt, and he weaves his hands into her hair. She doesn’t want to let him go, and she wishes her body had the power to even pick her head up. She’s never really thought about losing Kaidan in much detail. He’s always been smart and calculated, and the kind of good guy who always survives because they did the right thing. To lose him like this feels like defeat, even as they teeter on the edge of a victory.

“It’s not fair,” she gasps.

“Nothing’s been fair,” he says, tilting her head up, “but we’ve done good. The three of us have made a hell of a team, and meeting you and John has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. No matter what happens, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Jane holds onto him tighter and tries to catch her breath, but it doesn’t work. Kaidan presses a kiss to the top of her head and holds her close.

“I love you,” he whispers.

She nods. “I love you too.”

After a few moments, she picks her head up and wipes her eyes. She reaches out and wipes Kaidan’s for him too. He tries to fight his tears, but fails.

“And just… don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. It won’t be so bad. Maybe I’ll get to see my parents again. I think they’d be happy I made it this far.”

“Yeah,” she replies, “they would be.”

She supposes they’ve reached an agreement, and it feels raw and numb in her chest, but she knows why Kaidan’s asking her. She knows he trusts her to put something bigger than them above his life. As much as it hurts, she believes any one of them would ask the same thing of someone they love.

“Can you do me a favor?” he asks, clearing his throat. He reaches a hand up and rubs his eyes.

“Sure.”

“Can you help me change my shirt?”

She nods, and Kaidan pushes the blankets off of him enough to try and sit up. He presses a hand on top of the bandages, and she slides one around his back. He lets out a soft whimper, but carefully eases himself up on the couch. She unbuttons his bloodstained shirt and slides it down his arms. 

She’s shocked to find his body so frail and weak already, and his skin slightly stained with blood. She wonders if he’s actually lost weight, or if she just can’t fathom seeing him in such a sad state. She rifles through his nearby backpack for another that buttons up the front, as trying to get a t-shirt on wouldn’t treat him too kindly. 

“Why care about your looks now?” she teases.

“John’s gotta believe I’m getting better. Changing my shirt, a fresh shave, being up and about… it’ll help him stay the course with the plan. That’s what’s most important.”

She nods. “Yeah.”

She begins to slide the shirt up his arms and he buttons the bottom. She helps him roll the sleeves up to the middle of his forearms like he usually wears, and helps him comb his hair into some order. It’s an improvement already.

She takes a seat beside him again.

“Thank you,” he says, “and thank you for going along with this plan.”

She nods hesitantly. “Of course. I should let you get some rest.”

Kaidan lets go of her hand and nods. “Yeah. You make sure you do too.”

Jane forces herself to nod again, but there’s part of her that doubts she’ll be able to sleep with all that’s transpired tonight.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *passes tissues*


	40. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaaack. Sorry for such a long and unexpected delay in posting. Work and real life have been quite busy lately, and I also wanted to make sure that I got this ending 100% right. Your thoughts and comments are always SO appreciated, and buckle up kids.

Kaidan finishes shaving the left side of his face and turns on the faucet. He watches the remains of his beard drift down the drain, and manages to feel good about himself. He looks better, even if he feels worse. The pain in his stomach burns and sears, and each step puts him closer to throwing up and crying. If he didn’t have to be brave for someone, he’d probably just lay in bed and beg for someone to put him out of his misery. Now he understands why Thane asked for what he did… 

Miranda helped him shower as much as he could. Washing his hair and taking a washcloth over the rest of his body is just about as good as it can get. At the very least, he doesn't smell like blood and sweat anymore. But he looks human, and he looks _better._ Now he just has to act it.

He hears John come down the stairs and join Jane and Miranda in the kitchen. He asks where Kaidan is, fear gripping his voice, and Jane tells him. Then, they begin to discuss the plan. Kaidan hovers over the sink and dabs at his cheeks with a washcloth to wipe the remains of the conditioner off his skin. He thinks of walking and his eyes water. But he can’t do that.

He swallows his tears and thinks about how good it’ll feel to sit down, and how good it’ll feel if they pull this off and Miranda can dose him up with loads of drugs for a while. He steps back from the sink. Each step rips through him and he stifles a cry, leaning on whatever he can until he comes into sight. Then, he begins to walk on his own. His knees wobble and he hopes he doesn’t collapse. He knows that runs the risk of tearing open his stitches, and bleeding to death. Once he’s close to the door, he leans against it again.

“So,” Jane begins, “we were talking about what we do next. Miranda and I think we need to move out… possibly as soon as today.”

John looks at both of them and sits. “Okay. I just… I don’t know if we’re ready to do this.”

_We have to,_ he thinks, _because I’m running out of time._

“What else do we have to wait for?” he says.

John turns and looks up at him. John lets out a sigh of relief, and pulls out the chair beside him. Kaidan takes in a deep breath and pulls himself into the chair. John clutches his hand underneath the table. His body throbs and it takes him a few seconds to return to himself. 

He looks at John’s hand — at the rings on their fingers. He shuts his eyes and thinks about what their lives can be like once this is over. If he survives long enough. He wants to be able to call John his husband, like a normal person, and to get a boring job he complains about, but doesn’t care because he gets to come home to someone he loves. He never wants to spend a day without him.

“Every hour we wait, they’re figuring out a way to stop us and we won’t have that. We can’t risk it,” Kaidan says.

Jane looks up at him, and there’s something dark behind her eyes — something sad. But she nods. He knows it’s his fault, because he’s asked her to do the impossible.

“Kaidan’s right. We need to move fast.”

“Can he handle that?” John asks.

“I can handle it,” Kaidan asserts.

John shakes his head. “Miranda?”

Miranda shuts her eyes. “Look, if we set out and go to the HQ now, Kaidan will make it there. We just have to disperse the cure and then we can get him to the hospital bunker down below. Then I can operate.”

Kaidan fully expects John to insist they get him to the hospital first, and then disperse the cure. But Kaidan would die — literally — before he lets that happen. As much as he wants to live out the rest of his days with John, he can’t let his life be more important than saving the world. Some things are bigger than him, and that he can accept dying for.

John’s eyes water and Kaidan squeezes his hand. He wishes he could tell John how he knows he’s strong enough to get through this. No matter what grief lets him think, he’s brave enough to survive losing him. He knows he is. But he wishes he didn’t have to find out the hard way.

Kaidan takes in a deep breath and nods. “We don’t have time to wait around for much longer. We have to go and we have to do this while our opportunity is still there. While Cerberus is still scrambling to figure out how to outsmart us. He knows we’re capable of stopping this, of winning. That’s why he needed to slow us down. But I think that the best thing we can do now is prove that we’re not going to do that. We can’t give him that chance. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m in. And willing to do whatever it takes to end this. Because I know that I for one, really never want to have to see a zombie again.”

“I’m in,” Jane says, and gives a smile.

Kaidan looks to John and he can tell John thinks he’s being ganged up on. But with his own life the one most at risk, he thinks maybe he deserves a little autonomy on the matter. Miranda nods and sits up.

“Me too.”

John eyes all of them, and he swallows his hesitation. After a long moment, he smirks too. “Okay… let’s go save the world then.”

*******

Jane was never sure what to expect of the dispersal facility. She imagined something large and like something out of a sci-fi movie, but when it comes into view up ahead as their car curves along the mountain’s edge, she’s still somehow surprised. It _is_ big, but somehow larger than life. It comes into sight as they round a bend in the mountains, subtle hints of silver and white, no windows, but a large beacon reaching into the sky, so high that the clouds swallow it at the top. Maybe Miranda wasn’t joking when she said they could disperse an entire cure to the world. 

“Holy shit,” she whispers. “That’s it?”

“Yes.”

“And where are we parking?” John asks.

Jane looks into the backseat, where John sits with Kaidan. Kaidan’s been silent most of the drive, and Jane understands. It’s clear that each word he tries to say, or any kind of movement puts him in agonizing pain — even more than he already is. He’d seemed okay enough to move out at the house, but in the hour it’s taken them to drive to the facility, his health has deteriorated far too fast. She can tell he’s even struggling to breathe.

“Wherever’s safest,” Kaidan replies.

“We may have to park a distance away,” Miranda says, and she definitely wishes she didn’t have to. 

“We can’t,” John says. “We need to get as close to the building as we can because Kaidan won’t make it walking a distance.”

“We may not have a choice,” Miranda says. 

“Miranda’s right,” Kaidan says, “we may not have a choice of where we park if it compromises the entire mission.”

Miranda reaches across the console and grips Jane’s hand. Jane looks down and squeezes back. Jane brushes her fingers against the back of Miranda’s palm.

Kaidan sits up just enough and taps Miranda on the shoulder, breaking their momentary focus. He lets out a soft whimper of pain, but holds himself up just enough. “Give me the map.”

Miranda pulls the map of the facility out of her bag and passes it to him. Kaidan unfolds it and studies it for a moment, and finally points to something.

“Here. We can stick to the tree line as best as possible if we come in this way. We may not know what we’re walking into if we go in through this window here, but at least it’ll get us close enough so we’ve got four people instead of three to take them all on.”

Jane looks at the line he draws with his finger, and nods. “He’s right That’s what we have to do.”

“And your ideas for getting _up_ into the window?” John asks.

“We’ll find something. We always do. We pull up to the edge here, and someone should be able to jump across and get in, and then we’ll find something.”

“Go ahead,” John reluctantly sighs. 

Miranda begins to drive again, taking each hairpin turn carefully, knowing that each movement sucks the energy right out of Kaidan. Miranda carefully veers toward the ledge Kaidan indicated on the map, and parks the car. Miranda passes Jane more bullets, and Jane shoves them in her backpack as they unload the car. 

“Keep low,” Miranda says.

Jane nods, and ducks behind a nearby bush. John moves over to Kaidan’s side of the car and eases him out, and pulls him behind the same bush. Kaidan sits and draws a hand to his side, gently pressing down on the bandage again. Jane wonders if he’s bleeding again, or if maybe Miranda should stop and change the bandage for him. Or if something worse is wrong. 

John reloads his gun, and reloads Kaidan’s for him, and in the moment he’s distracted, Kaidan meets Jane’s eyes. He doesn’t need to say anything, but she knows what he means. He’s asking her to remember what they discussed, and it feels like a knife in her stomach. She knew she made a promise, but there’s a part of her that doesn’t know if she’ll be able to do it if it comes down to it. 

“I think Jane can jump across,” Miranda says. 

“Okay,” Jane says, glad for a distraction. 

She steps out from behind the bush and surveys the building. The sleek walls don’t leave much room for climbing, and maybe there’s a reason, and it isn’t just to keep people like her out. She thinks of all the zombies she’s seen scaling walls and getting to all the places they thought could be safe. 

Her eyes lock on a pipe running up the side of the building to the gutter, and knows if she’s careful, she could grab it. She takes in a deep breath, and shoves her gun under the waistband of her jeans. She wiggles her way to the edge of the cliff, and jumps. Her hands collide with rusted metal and gravity drags her down as the pipe wobbles. She takes a moment to steady her breathing and begins to climb. The group talks behind her, but she drowns them out, only focused on reaching the window ledge and getting it open, if she can.

She reaches over, and clutches the ledge, and begins to toy with the window. She bangs a few times, and feels it beginning to come loose.

“It needs more force,” John says.

“Yeah, you want to come over here and hit it?” she asks.

“No,” he replies. “Use your elbow.”

She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, like it’s that easy.”

She knows using more force would completely eliminate her grip, and she’s only got one chance before she plummets to the ground and breaks all her bones. Another deep breath, and she gives a hop against the pipe, and swings her elbow hard enough to pop the window inwards. Her hands scramble and she manages to clutch the ledge again, and pull herself over. She slips her legs through first, and lands on her feet inside the building. She’s only allowed a single stable moment before someone yanks her by the hair.

She lets out a cry of pain, and hears Miranda rushing toward the window outside. Her attacker turns her on her back and goes to swing his pistol at her face, when she rolls out of the way. She reaches for her gun at her waist, and pulls it out. The Cerberus trooper fires on her, clipping the side of her cheek. Pain rushes to the surface of her skin, and she fires frantically on the soldier. Her bullet ricochets off the soldier’s armor, but alarms him enough to drop his gun. Jane lands a kick in his stomach, and knocks him off of her. She straddles the soldier and presses her hands to his neck, clamping down on his throat. He struggles for air as she presses harder, and his lips begin to turn blue. She reaches for her gun again, and fires a round into his skull. Blood sprays on her shirt, and on the ground beneath him, but she climbs off as Miranda enters the room.

Her hands shake, and she steps away from the soldier. Miranda comes closer to her, and examines her cheek. Jane already knows it’s worse than it looks, and brings her sleeve up to stop the bleeding.

“You okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” Jane says.

“Okay,” Miranda whispers. “Be careful.”

Jane drops her sleeve and pulls Miranda in for a kiss. Miranda slides her arms around her, and kisses back, intense and desperate. Something about it makes Jane think Miranda isn’t expecting them to come out of this alive.

“Let’s find a way for the boys to cross,” she says, still tasting Miranda on her lips. 

Miranda steps away and begins to scan the room. She moves toward a closet in the long, intricate hall and opens it up. Jane skims for a ladder, or something that they can slide across to climb on, but sees nothing. Then Miranda gasps.

“Perfect. Jane, help me with this.”

Jane finds Miranda struggling to lift a spare door behind a curtain in the room. She joins her and hoists the door as much as she can. She struggles to carry it as well, but it’s definitely enough to get John and Kaidan across. 

“Ready?” Miranda groans.

“Ready,” Jane says, and together they push it up, and lodge it on the window ledge. They slowly move it out the window until they feel John grip it on the other side. Jane hops onto a table below the window and looks out it. John secures the door on the other side of the ledge, and helps Kaidan to his feet. Kaidan wobbles at first, but carefully moves across the door as John holds it on the other side. He bends down and ducks himself into the window with little more than a groan. Jane takes his hand as he pulls himself into the room, and helps him stand. At first, he lets her know he’s okay to keep standing. And then a moment later, signals he needs help to sit.

“Hey, what’s going on?” she says, sliding an arm around his back.

“I think it’s fine,” he breathes. “I just… need a minute.”

Jane looks down at his bandage and sees the faintest drops of blood forming through the fabric of his shirt. 

She presses her hand on top of the wound and he winces in pain. When she looks up, she sees blood along the inside of his lips. 

“Here,” she says, and brings up her clean sleeve to wipe his mouth. A wave of pain rushes through him and he grips her hand tightly, curling into her shoulder. She hears John coming across the door, and knows Kaidan needs to go back to being stoic right about now.

“Come on,” she tells him, “we’re so close. Just keep holding on.”

Kaidan nods and takes in a deep breath, nodding for her to stand and help him up.

John slips through the window and kicks the door down into the gap between the building and the mountain and rushes to Kaidan. He cups Kaidan’s cheek and checks him for injuries, and there’s no new ones. And besides, it doesn’t matter. Kaidan’s already become distracted with what this room is. John looks at the walls, and follows as Kaidan limps down a line of photographs with descriptions. It doesn’t look like a lab or an office building — not in this room. It looks like a gallery. Jane wonders why a lab needs a gallery like this, but everything Miranda’s told her about The Illusive Man seems to add up. This isn’t just a lab. It’s a place for their legacy to be celebrated. 

It’s also a place for them to remind the world how easily they can end and fix the world.

John paces down the rows of pictures, and Jane hopes he’s paying attention. The pictures in front of him move in chronological order, with dates marking important events.In the first picture, The Illusive Man stands with another man with dark hair and bright blue eyes. They wear the same sterile, pressed business suits. John’s eyes bounce to the description. 

 

_President Jack Harper and Vice President Henry Lawson mark the opening of their new science facility, the first steps in fully committing to studying the impacts of the Lazarus Virus._

 

“Lawson?” Kaidan asks, but his eyes are focused on another picture. John steps closer and looks at a picture that almost looks like a mugshot — a mugshot of Miranda. It’s Miranda, but not quite. Younger, with less scars and anger, and shorter hair. “You father. And that’s… you?”

Miranda stiffens and shakes her head. “No. My sister.”

They continue moving down the line, and find pictures of decomposed flesh, labeled and on display.

 

_Tissue Samples from Subject Zero._

 

“Now you see why I want Cerberus wiped off the map?” Miranda says, and her hands go to her pockets. 

John looks down, and Jane can swear his eyes water. Miranda had a twin — a twin sister — just like him, and one she couldn’t save. Jane thinks of the things John said in a blind rage, a selfish one, assuming he’d be the only person who has ever lost someone. He’s done it to Jane, to Miranda… If Kaidan dies, he may never recover from the grief, but it doesn’t mean that those who _have_ moved on don’t understand what it’s like. She hopes he’s beginning to understand that much.

“She was the first,” Kaidan says.

“Yes. A sacrifice, for science.”

“Miranda,” John begins, “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t know.”

“When the Illusive Man has a bullet in his head, I’ll be happy.”

Jane knows that job is reserved for Miranda, but she thinks each of them has a good reason to want to unload a round in The Illusive Man’s head. She’s not afraid to litter the floor with his follower’s bodies along the way either. 

Kaidan nods. “We’ll make sure that nobody has time to beg for mercy.”

“Miranda, is there a security room up here? Some place we might be able to see what we’re up against?” Jane asks. There’s a part of Jane that just wants to get out of this gallery, out of any place that’s willing to celebrate a genocide like this. 

“Yeah, there should be one just down the hall. Let’s go.”

Miranda nods and leads them toward the door from the gallery. The upper level of the facility looks down on the lower levels, and a pristine courtyard. Kaidan leans against the railing, and tries to walk as effortlessly and quietly as he can. Each step trims minutes off his life, and Jane can tell he’s running out of time. Kaidan looks over the ledge and swallows. He nods in the direction of the lower levels, and dread washes over him seeing the number of soldiers lining the lower courtyard and levels of the facility. 

Miranda leads them to a thick black door, scans a key card, and the door pops open. She ushers them into a security room lined with computers and screens. It reminds Jane of the one in the last facility, but this time… this time they can see tons of soldiers with big ass guns on every single screen. Miranda locks and barricades the door behind them for now, and rushes to one of the computers. 

They don’t get very far before a robotic voice chirps over the building intercom. 

“Welcome to Sanctuary, your safe haven amidst the wasteland.”

Jane crosses her arms. “Sanctuary?”

Miranda shakes her head. “I don’t know. Maybe they’re using it for something else.”

“Hey,” Kaidan says, rewinding footage on one of the cameras. Jane moves over to him, and Miranda hesitates before joining the rest of them.

Kaidan looks back to the three of them and waits a second before pressing play. When he does, they see lines upon lines of people — looking haggard and exhausted — moving their way through the courtyard down below. Jane feels like she knows exactly what she’s watching, but she hopes she’s wrong. She hoped that this entire apocalypse was an accident, something that got set loose and ran, but to know how deliberate it was burns at her. Anger didn’t drive her for the past ten years, but the last few months since knowing the truth, she knows it has.

“What are they doing? Are they… they’re dropping all their belongings. Food, supplies, medicine. These people are coming here and dropping _everything,_ ” John says.

“All for the promise of a roof over their heads,” Kaidan replies. 

Jane steps over to one screen that doesn’t look like the others. She’s expected to see labs and offices, and other facilities, but she’s not expecting to see tubes… test tubes. With humans in them. Her stomach churns as she takes a closer look at the screen.

“What the hell?”

The room is labeled TESTING CHAMBER and Jane knows immediately that it’s not good news. There’s people in the capsules, and there’s something… not right about them. She looks closer and sees the way their skin is sagging off their bones, like they’ve been trapped in there for weeks, like they’re not even alive.

“Miranda,” she says, hoping she has a different answer than she’s expecting. “What is this?”

Kaidan limps over and leans against the chair he sits in and John hears him suck in a breath. 

“I… I don’t know.”

“Can you play security footage of this room?”

“Jane, we don’t really have the time,” John says.

“I just… I want to know.”

She thinks of her parents, and the footage she saw back at the other facility. Knowing didn’t help her, and instead, it kept her awake at night. But understanding what they’re up against has helped them thus far. She keeps hoping she’s wrong, but knowing Cerberus is capable of anything, rather than just rows upon rows of dumbfuck soldiers… it doesn’t renew her confidence. 

Miranda hesitantly rewinds footage, until they reach some movement. Miranda stops it and plays the video forward. Kaidan reaches beside them and turns the volume on the computer up. They watch as all at once, a group of survivors step into the pods, and the glass seals around them. One — a child — begins to bang on the glass immediately. The woman in the pod beside the child reacts, and bangs on the glass as well. The child screams and Jane can swear he hears “mom” somewhere in the chaos. And then a green mist puffs out from the top of the capsule. They begin to choke and gag, and the child quickly drops to his knees. Jane watches as their behavior changes from panicked to straight out manic, and ravenous. She’s seen it thousands of times before, the desire for blood, and the lack of care of anything that stands in their way.

“God dammit,” Miranda says. “God _dammit_.”

“This was from the other day,” Kaidan says, swallowing his tears. “This wasn’t something that happened ten years ago. It’s _still_ happening.”

“It explains why we haven’t encountered any other people in these parts,” Jane says.

“All of this, and they’re still trying to make this work. On innocent people,” Miranda gasps, and covers her mouth. Jane rests her hands on Miranda’s shoulders. Miranda can’t look away from the screen, from the bodies trapped in the pods. Jane wishes she’d stop taking every death as blood on her hands, or that reassuring her they’re going to cure it and make sure this never happens to anyone again would help.

“We’re going to stop this. We’re going to. They won’t hurt another person. I promise.”

Miranda reaches for Jane’s hand and pulls her closer for a moment. She presses a kiss to the top of Miranda’s head and holds her for a moment. She knows they can’t afford to waste time, but Miranda’s no use to them shaken up. And it doesn’t help her own morale to know Miranda’s suffering.

Footsteps echo outside the door, and Jane feels John’s hands tug her down to the floor. Jane ushers Miranda behind a desk as someone walks past the door. And then two someones. She keeps hearing footsteps and knows they’re more than cornered.

“Miranda, we have a problem,” Kaidan says, after a moment of silence.

“What?”

“Did you look at those cameras? There’s too many of them. We don’t stand a chance against that many soldiers. Everywhere we go we’re going to have to face heavy resistance. Either we need a backup, or we’re going to get ourselves killed.”

“What do you suggest?” 

“A back route into the dispersal facility. Vents, maybe.”

“Like my ass can fit in vents?” John snarks.

“We don’t have that, but-.”

The door to the security room shakes, and a soldier forces his body against it. Jane reaches over and grips Miranda’s hand. Miranda’s fingers shake, but she holds on back. Her breathing is quick and panicked. Jane looks over at John and Kaidan. John pulls Kaidan into his arms and shields his weak body from the direction of the door. 

“It’s going to be okay,” John whispers to him, and presses a kiss to the side of Kaidan’s head. Kaidan’s eyes don’t say fear, but show he’s thinking. The attack at the mall was the most pain she’s ever been in in her life, and she hardly had to deal with it for a few minutes before going unconscious. To think that Kaidan’s been living with that kind of pain for days, and remaining so stoic, she wonders why he’s even trying or calculating plans at all. She wouldn’t blame him if he just wanted to lie down and give up.

“This door shouldn’t be locked!” someone screams outside.

Miranda grips Jane’s hand harder. Jane’s gotten used to searching for escape routes from every room she enters, but there’s none here. Secure for a reason, naturally.

The banging gets louder, and Jane opens her eyes. She spots Kaidan surveying the room, and finally, he spots something. His eyes set on the Testing Room camera, and he carefully grips his wound and pushes himself off the ground.

“I have an idea,” he says.

“What?” Miranda whispers.

“We gotta let them out.”

He points to the zombies trapped in the tanks.

“ _What?_ ” John asks.

“We need to let them out. Trigger some kind of alarm down there and cause a distraction. That way all the soldiers up here will have to go down there. If we can set enough free, it’ll get them off us.”

Jane looks up at Kaidan. This isn’t a usual Kaidan plan. His plans are calculated and usually not risky. He’s all about getting everyone out alive, but as she looks at his condition, she wonders if maybe these are rash decisions from a dying man. He’d never hurt them, but the pain and the suffering might just be enough to push him to this edge. But deep down, she knows he’s right. His plan stands a better chance of working than sitting here waiting to be shot.

“Kaidan, if we do this, it’s going to be more for us to fight too,” John reminds him. “Just… let’s not do anything we’re going to regret.”

“I’m not sitting here waiting to die if there’s something we could do about it,” Kaidan argues.

“But-.”

“But I’m right. Jane… Miranda. This will work, right?”

There’s another bang, and this one sounds like it shakes the door knob. And another. Miranda opens her mouth to speak, but Kaidan’s finger is already on a button, and he presses down. He ducks back behind a desk, and watches as the glass casings on the zombies slide down, and they begin to crawl out of their pods.

It takes several steps before they can walk, deformed legs wobbling and quaking with each step. They hiss and snarl, searching desperately for food, and red lights begin to flash in the Testing Chamber.

“Alert!” the automated voice says. Jane almost doesn’t hear it over the banging. “A biohazard breach has occurred in the Testing Chamber. All personnel to the Testing Chamber.”

The soldiers continue shoving their bodies against the door, and Jane holds onto Miranda and John’s hands, hoping that they didn’t just unleash a hoard of living dead if it wasn’t going to help.

And then, they step away. 

The banging stops and John lets out a sigh of relief, pulling Kaidan closer to him and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Kaidan slides his arms around John and rests against his chest. 

Miranda climbs off the floor and goes to the security cameras. She loads the one in the hallway outside them, and sees that there’s no guards passing by anymore. They all take a moment to sigh, and move toward the door. Miranda opens it slowly, and slips herself out into the hallway. As they begin to sneak out of the room, they keep close to the railings to see the chaos down below. The courtyard is full of soldiers, and full of zombies, and it’s hard to tell who is winning or losing. All Jane knows is that it’s better if they kill each other than them.

“Breach! We have a breach on the lower level, send backup!” a soldier yells, blasting bullet after bullet into the hoard, and then he lets out a deafening screech. “Help! Send help now!”

Jane watches as a zombie claws off the helmet the soldier is wearing, and bites deep into the neck. Blood spurts in all directions, and instead of letting go to chew, the zombie just keeps digging. It doesn’t take long before the soldier drops to the ground, and dies.

“This way,” Miranda whispers.

Jane ducks behind the railings, and moves along, following Miranda. The fighting gets worse downstairs, but with the soldiers distracted, they stand another chance to get to the dispersal facility. 

“Wait,” Kaidan says. “Nobody move.”

Jane turns her head in time to see the cause of concern. A single fleshy hand reaches up and grips the level they’re standing on, bony fingers slipping up the bars behind them, directly behind Kaidan. He takes a deep breath as the hand brushes against the back of his shirt. The zombie lets out a faint gurgle, and paws at the fabric on Kaidan’s shirt. John pulls his gun, and Kaidan shakes his head, and then blinks profusely to the point where it looks ridiculous, but when Jane looks at the zombie, she understands.

Dark brown, but milky eyes gaze absently in front of it, and she watches as the beast relies on its hands and smell to figure out where to go. Instead of shooting, John wiggles forward just slightly and pulls the knife out of Kaidan’s boot for him. Without moving too much, Kaidan grips the blade and tucks it close to his body.

The zombie clambers over the railing and situates itself in front of Kaidan. Kaidan takes in a deep breath, and doesn’t let one out. Jane surveys the situation; there must be something she can do to help. Shooting the zombie will give their position away, and letting Kaidan get bitten won’t help them out either. The beast sniffs a few more times and crawls closer to Kaidan, feeling its way up his legs, and stopping halfway up his body. Jane focuses on his shirt, where she makes out the tiniest bit of fresh blood, right where his wound is.

It gurgles inches away from his face, and just as Jane goes to do _something_ to protect him, Kaidan plunges his knife into its throat. He moves forward and digs it in further, silencing the zombie. Blood spurts on John, but he moves too, fighting to keep the creature in place. After a few moments, it stops moving. 

Kaidan pulls his knife out of its throat and sighs, sliding off the zombie.

“Okay,” he says, voice wavering, “I don’t want any of those things in my face again.”

“Agreed. You okay?” John asks.

“Fine.”

They keep low to the ground, and Miranda guides them toward a utility room at the end of the hallway. She pushes open the door and they step inside, climbing to their feet. As Kaidan stands all the way, he lets out a gasp of pain and clutches his side. John immediately goes to him and slides an arm around his back.

“What’s up? Tell me what’s wrong.”

“I just… shit — it’s fine. Let’s get this done.”

“We can stop for a second. It’s okay,” John urges, and tries to help Kaidan to the ground, but he refuses. 

“No,” he mutters, and that’s when Jane sees a faint twinge of blood on the inside of his lips. She hopes this time John won’t see.

John turns back to Jane, for guidance. She hesitates a moment. “Kaidan’s right. The sooner we do this, the sooner we can get him real help.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan replies, “what she said.”

Miranda opens a hatch behind them, and she looks down. Jane steps closer and flashes her flashlight down the tunnel. It looks clear, but far from comfortable or spacious. 

“I’ll go first,” Miranda volunteers, and begins o move down the ladder. Jane turns to John and Kaidan.

“You’ll follow?”

“Yeah, we’ll make it down too,” John says, and helps Kaidan ease himself to the ground. Jane steps onto the first few rungs of the ladder, and moves down after Miranda. She keeps her flashlight focused below them. As they’re halfway down, the shaft shakes violently. John moves up a few rungs, positioning himself behind Kaidan to keep him from falling. Jane hears Miranda slip below her, and the ladder shakes even more.

“Oh my god,” Miranda gasps.

“Miranda, you okay?”

“I’m fine,” she says. 

“What the hell was that?” John asks.

“If I didn’t know any better,” Miranda begins, “I’d say it was an explosion.”

“Oh good,” Jane mutters.

“Get to the bottom, _now_ ,” Miranda says. 

She wiggles her way down to the base, and jumps, landing on tiled floors. Jane hops to the ground as well, and searches for a light. She finds a switch, and flips it on. An empty room stands before them, and a single locked door. Kaidan and John make their way to the ground, and Kaidan leans himself against a wall. Jane swears he looks paler than he did a moment ago, and his breathing doesn’t inspire confidence. 

Miranda hacks her way through the door, only to find herself face to face with a large console, and two red boxes beside the center computer. The dispersal facility is large and sterile, with a single island desk at the center. She expects more charts, more buttons, but it’s simple… too simple.

“Dammit. _Dammit,_ ” she gasps, “I thought they might do something like this.”

“What?” Jane asks, coming up behind her.

“There’s two key cards and two overrides I need to open up the console.”

“We have the access codes, though, right?” John asks.

“Yes, but that’s to deploy the cure, _not_ get into the system.”

Jane knows one of them must be with the Illusive Man, and she has an idea of where the other one is, and she doesn’t like that thought either. 

“Okay, where do we get them from?” John asks.

“One will be on The Illusive Man. He wouldn’t go anywhere without it, and he can’t be far. He’s running out of places to run. But look for his office. He’d probably be there. And his override will be too.”

“And the other?” Jane asks.

“It’d be with Kai Leng… The Illusive Man knows no one’s dumb enough to try and take it from him. The second override has got to be near him. He’d be guarding it.”

Jane checks her gun for a full magazine and cocks it. “Yeah, well, he obviously doesn’t know me very well.”

“I’ll go for The Illusive Man,” John begins. “And Jane can take Kai Leng. We’ll get those cards. Kaidan, you stay here with Miranda.”

Kaidan nods and draws his gun. “Got it.”

There’s a moment of hesitation, before John steps closer to Kaidan. Everything thus far has been a series of calculated and rigid movements, steps in a plan, not of the heart. John slides a hand to the side of Kaidan’s face, and Jane can tell John is fighting off tears. 

“You stay alive, okay? Until I get back?” John pleads, so low it’s like a whisper.

Kaidan nods. “I will. I promise.”

John takes in what he’s saying for a moment, and nods. He clutches Kaidan’s curls and pulls him in for a kiss. He pulls away slowly, and Kaidan brushes his thumb against the side of John’s cheek.

“You stay safe, too? I don’t like the idea of you facing him alone.”

“Me either, but I’ll be strong if you promise to do the same.”

Kaidan gives a nod, lets him go, and nudges him toward the door, and John turns to leave. Jane follows.

“John?” Miranda says.

John turns just slightly. “Yeah?”

She hesitates a moment, and nods. “If you have the chance… kill him.”

John hesitates, and looks back to Jane. Jane wishes she understood what was going on in his head. She knows he’d love nothing more than to fire off a full magazine into The Illusive Man’s brain for what he’s done, but now… he knows what Miranda’s lived through too.

“I…”

“I mean it,” she says again. “I’m better off here, helping Kaidan, prepping the cure… If you find him, end him. Maybe you deserve it more than I do.”

Jane rests her hand on John’s arm and he nods a second later. “Okay. I’ll make him pay.”

Jane steps out the door and into the hallway with John. Heat courses through them, as the distant flames surround the upper parts of the hallway. She knows that a fire burning this fast isn’t good news, and they need to move fast.

“You remember where his office is?”

John nods. “Yep, I remember the map.”

She’s quiet a moment. “Be careful, okay?”

“I will. Same for you. Make sure that this time, you come back and not him.”

Jane smiles. “That’s the plan.”

John leans forward and pulls her into a hug. She holds onto him tightly, and buries her head in his chest. She knows there’s a chance that one of them might not come back, but she tries to push the thought away, and instead focus on how good it’ll feel to know some of the worst people still alive out here are dead and gone. That much can keep her going.

“Give him hell,” she says.

“You too.”

John pulls away, double checks his gun, and turns the corner, heading directly for the worst of the flames.

 


	41. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who is ready to CRY?

John finds The Illusive Man’s office without much struggle. Soldiers are clearly avoiding the area as the flames worsen, but he hears The Illusive Man’s voice echoing over dying, scalding intercom speakers coming through in harsh crackles and what sounds most like demonic whimpers. Technical issues due to the fire — he’s sure — but also seems kind of fitting for the zombie apocalypse’s resident douchehbag in charge.  
****

“Surround the _shhhh_ dispersal faci- _shhhh.”_

John ducks behind a fallen crate as several soldiers race by up ahead. He peers his head out, and watches them wave flames away from their armor, and rush toward alternate routes to the dispersal facility. He hopes the fire’s gotten bad enough they don’t make it there in time. Kaidan and Miranda can only hold off so many.

Once the coast is clear, John slides his way out of cover and progresses down the hall until he sees two large double doors in front of him, made of glass. He runs up to them and peers in. Empty. He can break in and search the area as quickly as possible, and get back to Kaidan. He throws his elbow against the glass, and is met with a jolt of pain up the right side of his body. He glances back at the glass, and there’s no more than a small crack in it. He elbows the glass again. Nothing. And then kicks.

A plume of smoke billows out on top of him from an above vent, and he ducks to the ground. He pulls his t-shirt in front of his mouth and nose and shuts his eyes until the worst of the smoke dissipates. He breathes in, but it still feels like his lungs are on fire. As he keeps low to the ground, he glances back up, and notices a sensor on the inside of the vent. It might not mean anything, but anything is better than what he’s got now. 

He raises his gun and fires at the sensor, striking directly in the center. The glass doors in front of him open, and he ducks himself into the office. 

The Illusive Man’s office must have been something at some point. Lined with bookshelves and massive display screens, it feels fitting for a super villain. John moves over to the large steel desk in front of him and begins to pull open drawers. He finds papers, books, pens, condoms, and god knows what else, but no key cards. He slams the desk drawers shut and moves to the other side with no success. 

“Come on, you asswipe. Where’d you put it?”  
John stands and looks out the door to make sure that he’s not being followed. When the coast is clear, he turns and starts to look through the bookshelf behind the desk. He tosses book after book to the ground, searching them for bookmarks or where a key might be wedged between them.

“Not even a backup? Fuck-.”

He’s cut off when something sharp rips through his left shoulder, and cements itself in the spine of the book he’s holding. Pain courses through his body and he leans against the book shelf.His gun clatters to the ground and skids across the floor. His first instinct is that he’s on fire, and he goes to brush away the flames, or sate them in some way, but just finds blood. Lots of it. He glances up at the book, and sees a blood coated silver bullet wedged in the leather of the book. And then he looks down at his shirt. He feels warm blood pooling at his shoulder, and his heartbeat throbbing through the wound. His shirt stains dark red around his shoulder, and he brings his other hand to the wound. He tells himself to breathe, that his injury isn’t immediately life threatening, but fuck does it hurt.

He lets out a soft whimper and grips the bookshelf harder. He wonders if this is what it felt like for Kaidan, but he imagines its somehow worse. John’s hand shakes as he goes to reach for his gun, and blood streams down his arm. 

He swallows the pain and tears and turns around, only to feel the cold end of a gun collide with the side of his head. 

 

***

 

Jane has no idea where to actually find Kai Leng. She begins to think that following the scent of fuckery is really just a metaphor. More ceiling panels collapse as she makes her way through the halls, searching for where he might be. She wonders if he’d be far from The Illusive Man, or protecting something else important. 

Breathing grows harder, and she struggles to see in front of her, but she remembers what’s on the line. She has to come back for Miranda… for John… for Kaidan. For the rest of the world. They _need_ this cure spreading and out, and she’s far from giving up. 

She hears movement in a room beside her, but it’s hard to differentiate between ceiling panels collapsing, or enemies surrounding them. Jane ducks behind a crate, and peers around the corner. She doesn’t see anything through the smoke, but she looks up at the sign above her, and knows that this could be worth investigating. She crawls into the room, keeping to cover, and presses herself against a desk. She takes a look around, and spots vials on the wall. She’s in some kind of lab, with secure materials, and she wonders if maybe a cure has been in here all along. She stands and moves to the vials, and begins to look at them. Each vial is labeled “LAZARUS” and is a terrifying orange color. 

She feels sick, thinking of her parents, being injected with this — like a test, an experiment. Someone whose life didn’t matter. She doesn’t think of her parents frequently — but she finds herself wondering if they’d be proud of how far she’s made it. She talked about it with Kaidan, told him that his parents would be happy he’s survived so long, be proud of who he is. But that’s Kaidan… not her. The past ten years have been full of harsh choices, unforgiving realities, and moments she’s not sure she can ever be proud of. But she’s smart enough to know now that survival isn’t something you’re granted for simply being good.

Jane takes one of the vials in her hand, and she doesn’t understand how something so small can change the course of human history. How could there be such power in something so small? The virus has hundreds of ways to spread outside of this lab, but somehow, the right choice still feels like smashing them all.

She grips several vials and tosses them to the floor. When one doesn’t break, she stomps it with her boot until she feels a crunch and slosh of the virus beneath the sole. If anything remains standing in this facility, she wants to make sure no one can spread a virus like this again. And then, she hears footsteps down the hall.

On the desk opposite her, sits a large computer monitor, full of security cam footage. She can’t make much out, as it flickers, and cameras black out from the smoke, but she can see a figure moving down the hallway she just came. And the figure carries a sword.

“God dammit,” she mutters. 

She moves into better cover, and prepares her gun. She knows taking a knife to a gunfight is no good, but bringing a gun to a knife fight sounds like a shitty plan too. She wonders if she can perhaps outsmart him, figure out a way to snatch the card from his jacket, and sneak off, and let something else in this building destroy him. She just knows she does not want to get stabbed again.

He enters the room, pushing open the door, and his heavy boots crunch on glass. Her blood runs cold, and she doesn’t know how she’ll take the upper hand just yet. She’s trying to calculate his location based off his footsteps, but just as she thinks she has an answer, she hears nothing.

She holds her breath, thinking that everything she does, even breathing, has to sound like a roar, giving away her location underneath a desk near the back of the room. She shuts her eyes, and thinks. She thinks of Thane. She knows he would know what to do in this situation. He could always be one step faster, smarter, better than his opponent, and she knows he’d be able to get out of this alive. 

She swallows, thinking of his voice, of his gentle touch and his guidance. She swears when she really thinks of him, she can imagine his hands on her still, leading here where she needs to be, putting her in directly the position she needs. She shifts her legs over.

And then a blade comes down and clatters against the marble flooring. Instinct takes over and she reaches above her, gripping the fabric of her enemy’s clothing, and yanking him forward. Kai Leng flies into the desk across from her, and the jacket of his armored body suit flies open. There, right before her is the key card.

Jane reaches for her gun, and rolls out of the way. Her knees prick with blood as she rolls into the smashed vials, but she climbs to her feet, and holds him at gunpoint.

“Up for round two?” she asks.

Kai Leng rises to his feet, and grips the sword on the ground. He chuckles under his breath, and flips his visor down, readying for a fight. He spins his sword, and darts forward. He casts a blow, and she dodges the hit. His sword strikes a computer behind her, and a jolt of electricity runs up his arm. She elbows him in the side of the head, and he wobbles. She presses him against the sparking computer, and grips the long hair at his neck, and bashes his face into the screen. Glass cuts into his cheeks, and he’ll clearly need a minute to recover. Or so she thinks.

He kicks backwards, hitting her square in the stomach, and she stumbles back. He spins and swings the blade at her, catching across her chest and stomach. Jane hits the ground, and broken glass cuts into her palms, and her head shakes from the impact. She grips her side, and finds her hands coming away bloody. She rolls up her shirt just enough, and sees the wound is mostly superficial. Some bandages and antibiotics will do, but it hurts like a bitch now.

She swallows the pain, and struggles to get up. Leng approaches her again, and hurls his sword at her. She raises a foot, and the blade embeds itself in the sole of her boot. She quickly shoves him off, and rolls out of the way of the next blow. She grips her gun and fires at him. A bullet strikes his dominant hand, and he lets out a yelp of pain. Kai Leng shouts in a rage, and brings the sword down. Jane’s fingers flip the gun, and she holds it above her head, just as the sword comes down. The crack of metal on metal echoes through the smoke-screened room. The sword’s landed in the curve of the gun, and he pushes down. Jane pushes back, but wonders how long it’ll take before she slips and the blade goes straight through her neck.

She shuts her eyes and pushes harder. There has to be some way to deflect him. _Something. Something Thane might think to try._

She opens her eyes again, and looks beside her on top of the desk. She shifts the gun slightly, and Kai Leng presses down harder. The gun presses to her throat, and she feels herself beginning to gag. So she fires. The bullet hits a flask full of something flammable — much to Jane’s surprise. Flames billow toward Leng’s face and she shoves him off of her for a moment.

Instead of reaching for the sword again, he moves on top of her, and his steel gloved fingers come down over her neck. 

He throws a punch, and she can’t dodge this one. Jane lets out a cry of pain and struggles to console herself. She paws at his body, trying to find a way to come loose. His grip tightens, and he raises her from the ground. He slams her head against one of the other cabinets, and the glass shatters behind her. She fidgets and kicks, begging for release, to breathe, and instead winds up choking. She manages to land a kick in the knees, and Leng releases her. She strikes his face with the heel of her fist. He gasps in pain as his nose drips blood. Jane knows this is her chance. She swings another fist, and hit after hit lands, until he’s backed up against a desk, and she’s able to grab him.

She shoves his body back against one of the lab tables, and grips the heaviest thing she can find. She grips a nearby stapler, and swings it at his head. He frantically shoves and tugs at her to keep her from hitting him, but the office supply comes down with full force. His visor cracks, and blood streams down his head.

He looks back up at her, manic and wild. She strikes again, and he spits blood out onto the desk, and onto her. The stapler flips open. She looks down at his gushing scalp, and prays this will be the last blow. She shuts her eyes and with all her power, brings the stapler back down again. This time, Leng doesn’t move again. She looks down at him for a moment, at the messy pulp of his head, and the single silver staple, quickly drowning in blood.

She pushes open his jacket, exhausted, and draws the keycard from his belt.

 

***

 

“Any updates?” Kaidan asks, hovering over the computer console in front of him and Miranda.

“No. Still locked out, and neither of them have scanned the cards.”

“Dammit.”

“Don’t worry,” Miranda says. “It doesn’t mean it’s bad news.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s good either,” Kaidan says. He keeps telling himself that John has a clear advantage over The Illusive Man in a fight, but then again, so would he. But the Illusive Man doesn’t play nice. Kaidan keeps imagining something happening to John like what happened to him — an unpredictable bullet, John dying somewhere else in this building, alone, and maybe standing a chance if someone knew to come help him. The thought brings tears to Kaidan’s eyes more than his own pain.

“How are you?” she asks.

Kaidan wishes she wouldn’t ask. The more it comes up, the more it hurts. He reaches instinctively for the bullet wound in his side, and nods.

“I’m hanging on.”

He knows something’s happening. The wound burns, and his heart keeps racing erratically. He’s sure a heavy dose of penicillin won’t hurt, but there’s more important things at hand. He just knows he has to hang on long enough for John to get back, for them to get him downstairs to the hospital ward. That’s all.

“You’re doing well. We might actually pull this off the way we want.”

“I hope,” he whispers. 

He feels too lucky, like by the time the system comes back online, and John and Jane return, they could _actually_ get him to the medical ward and fix him. He’s spent so many days planning what the last things he’ll do are, what kind of choices he’ll make, knowing it’s all over, and how he’ll say goodbye to everyone. To be so close to having all those thoughts be for nothing seems unrealistic, but is becoming less so by the moment. 

Something crashes in the hallway outside, and Miranda jumps. It sounds like more soldiers rounding the corners, trapping them in here. Someone needs to stop them. Kaidan draws his gun, and before he can go to the doorway, she grabs his arm.

“Kaidan, no,” she says.

“I’m just going to have a look. The last thing we need is an ambush.”

Miranda’s nails dig into his skin, and she shakes her head. “No. I can’t let you do that. You need to survive for him to get back.”

“And I will. Let me look and cover you. Let me do _something_.”

Voices echo down the hallway, and they’re getting closer. Immediately, they both know that it’s not John or Jane. It has to be some kind of enemy. 

“I have to.”

“Don’t go,” she says, tightening the grip on his arm. Miranda doesn’t owe him anything. She doesn’t even owe John anything. But she’s been doing _everything_ she can to make sure he survives. He knows if something happens to him, she’ll take it as a personal failure. Not just someone who ended up in a shit situation and couldn’t pull through.

“Miranda, someone’s gotta see what that was. And if you die, I have no idea how to disperse the cure. It’ll be fine. I’ll cover you.”

Miranda finally nods, but he can tell she doesn’t want to let him go. Maybe she’s just smart and right. It wouldn’t shock him. Miranda’s right almost all the time. But if she gets shot down because nobody is defending her, they stand no chance of curing the virus.

He takes a few steps toward the door, and leans himself against whatever surfaces he can. His side burns and tears prick at his eyes as he tries to move, and he steps into the smoky hallway. He slowly ducks behind a wall, and peers around the corner. He sees more soldiers coming down the hall toward the dispersal facility. They need to stay out of here at all costs, even if it means he dies.

Between the pain and the smoke, it’s difficult to see them, but he fires anyway. A bullet hits one of the soldiers in the head, taking them down, and the others panic, knowing they’re now under attack. 

“We’re being shot at! The dispersal facility has been breached. Send—.”

Kaidan fires on the speaking soldier, and he doesn’t get to finish. He can’t help but feel proud that despite being half dead, he’s still a pretty damn good shot. The other soldiers jump into cover and return fire, but nothing capable of hitting Kaidan. He fires again, and sees the bullet ricochet off something up ahead. Smoke plumes out of vents above the soldiers, sending them into a flurry. 

Kaidan ducks back into cover and reaches for the clip of ammo at his belt to reload. He drops the empty clip onto the ground, and jams the new one into his gun. The ceiling above him crackles, and he watches flames billow out of a vent above him. He ducks again and crawls out of the way as chunks of ceiling collapse exactly where he was just standing. A fallen beam catches him off guard, and he hits the ground with a force. 

Pain rushes through him and he stifles a cry as he clutches the wound. He knows it started bleeding earlier, and wasn’t shocked, but it was a level of blood flow he could contain, one he wasn’t concerned about. But he feels it growing worse now, and looks down at his shirt. He suspects maybe another suture has ripped, but enough are still holding together.

He breathes in, and chokes on plumes of smoke, and shuts his eyes. Tears drip down his face as he tries to ride the pain out. He needs to make it long enough for John to come back. He isn’t expecting to walk out of here alive, but he hoped he’d at least get a solid goodbye in — an acknowledgement that it’s the end. 

As he finally overcomes the worst of the pain, he struggles to his feet, only to be pulled back by the hair and shoved into the opposite wall. His head cracks against the steel walls and his nose drips blood. A gun presses to the center of his back, and he feels the icy press against his spine.

Kaidan swallows and thinks of a way out of this grip. He could just turn around and fight back. He knows it could just lead to getting shot again, and there’s no chance he’d survive it. Kaidan jerks his head back, head butting the soldier behind him, and manages to break free. He grips the soldier’s gun and twists the grip until he hears a snap in the soldier’s wrist. He whimpers in pain and drops the gun to the ground, and tries to swing at Kaidan with his uninjured hand. He misses, and Kaidan shoves him hard against the wall. The soldier swings back, and catches the side of Kaidan’s jaw. While he recovers from the hit, the solider shoves him to the wall and forcefully shoves his head against the steel again. Kaidan’s ears ring, and he knows another hit or two, and he’ll probably black out.

He spots the knife at the soldier’s utility belt, and pulls it from the sheath. Kaidan plunges the knife into the weak spots in the soldier’s armor, and pushes it in as hard as he can. Warm blood spreads across his hands, and he doesn’t like the feeling. It reminds him of Rahna, of fighting for his life, but still being a monster. He’s been prepared to die since the day the virus broke out, but he’s always hoped he’ll die a good person, rather than live long enough to become a monster. This feels monstrous. But he supposes that at this point, he has absolutely nothing to lose.

John is off facing an unpredictable enemy, Kaidan knows he doesn’t have much time left, and few chances for miracles. He thinks that even if John happens to die, there’s some relief in knowing he won’t be far behind himself. The thought distracts him for just long enough that he doesn’t expect the soldier’s knee to ram directly into his stomach.

The blow knocks Kaidan back to the ground, and time feels like it stops. The jolt of pain feels somewhat worse than the initial gunshot. He sees stars, and the fire consuming the ceiling and walls around him make him feel like he’s drowning. He struggles to pick himself up enough to look at his opponent, and watches as he gurgles on blood and dies. As Kaidan’s eyes draw back to his own body, he notices his bandage — torn clean off — resting on the ground between them.

He removes his hand from his side, and feels sick as it comes away with a thick crimson coating. Something comes up his throat, and he gags on it, only able to turn over a little to spit onto the ground. More blood. So much of it.

His eyes well with tears, and he lets out a struggled cry of pain. He can’t move, can’t even get back to Miranda, or let her know he needs help. He suspects she’ll come looking in a moment or two, but he might not have that long. Tears leak down his face and he paws at the ground to find some means of a grip. He clutches a doorway ahead, and pulls himself forward as much as he can. Searing pain races through his body and he collapses into a fit of coughing and crying.

But he _has_ to get back. He won’t die here regardless of the pain, regardless of how close he is to dying. He swallows his pain and bites down on his lip. He just has to get to his feet, and then he can maybe make it. Tears leak down his face, but he reaches for a nearby crate and bites down on his lip. Pain rip through him and blood pools harder at his stomach. His head feels light, and he begins to see stars, but at least he’s on his feet.

Each step compromises him more and more, but he can see the doorway just a few more steps away. He takes a larger step and grips the edge of it. His eyes focus on the garish, bloody handprint he leaves behind. Miranda turns around as he leans against the door, and the look on her face says it all.

“Shit! What happened?” she says, rushing toward him.

He swallows and reaches for her, letting her sling his arm around her shoulder. “I’m leaking a little bit.”

Miranda helps him onto the ground by the island. He restrains a cry as he sits down, and Miranda hovers over him. She pulls his hand away for a second and the air sweeps into his wound.

“Fuck,” she whispers.

“I know.”

Kaidan doesn’t even need to look to know. He knows how much blood he lost the first time, and he was only staying alive because he got lucky. Now, losing more blood, taking more blows to already failing organs — he doesn’t stand a chance. He might have minutes if he gets lucky. He doesn’t even know if he’ll still be alive by the time John gets back. 

Something comes up his throat, and makes him gag. He uses his free sleeve to wipe his mouth, and just finds more blood. He didn’t think it was possible for someone to be hurt this badly.

“Kaidan, listen to me,” Miranda says. Her voice is soothing, but he can tell she’s panicking. “You gotta hang on. You can’t die now. We’re _so_ close.”

He hears what she’s saying, but it takes everything he has left to just focus on breathing. He always thought dying would be instant, but now, it just feels like clawing his way out of an impossible hole.

Miranda rests her hands on top of his, and presses down. More blood comes to his lips and he can hardly open his eyes. He looks down at booth of their hands, and he feels sicker than he already does. Her fingers are already a slick crimson, and the ground around him is quickly turning the same color. Maybe her helping him slow the bleeding is one of the only things still keeping him alive, and yet…

“Miranda… go back to the computer.”

“No, no, no, I need to take care of you. I can’t let you die.”

“It’s too late,” he whispers. “I need you to do what we’re here to do, you understand?”

“But-.”

“Miranda, _please_.”

She removes her hands, and immediately, he feels the flow pick up more. His heart begins to slow, and everything starts fading from light to dark. His eyes water, and he just wishes he could see John one more time, get in a final goodbye — one where John understands that it’s goodbye, and that he isn’t getting out of this alive. 

_Breathe,_ he thinks. _You can delay this if you just don’t stop breathing._

Then, something in the room dings.

“Thank god,” Miranda whispers.

“What?” he asks.

“One of the overrides just opened up.”

 

***

 

Jane pulls the card away from the computer in front of her and sighs. She still can’t catch her breath, and her body aches and throbs. She looks down at the cuts across her body, and while they’ve mostly stopped bleeding, the cuts burn and itch something terrible. Her hands tremble and she struggles to place the card back into her pocket. 

She knows they don’t have much time, but she needs a moment to rest. She wonders if John’s had the same luck — not that fighting Kai Leng was easy. She wonders how long it’d take him to kill The Illusive Man, and thinks maybe they could swap stories when this is over, when they’re sitting in the hospital ward later, waiting for Kaidan to wake up from surgery. Something for when they’re bored. Jane never thought that boredom would be such a desirable thing.

Her breathing begins to feel less like getting stabbed in the throat over and over, and she thinks maybe she can start heading back to the dispersal facility and end this. And then an eerie cold rushes over her. It makes the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, and her hand instinctively goes to the knife at her belt, like someone was guiding her there. 

_Move._

So she does. As she does, Kai Leng’s sword crashes into the display case just in front of her, sending vials crackling and spilling to the ground. Jane clutches the knife, and turns around. Somehow, despite the multiple stapler bashes to the head, he’s still alive. But not for much longer. 

She flips open the switch blade, and plunges it into his gut. His sword clatters to the ground, and she holds him in place by the shoulder. Blood gushes to his lips, and onto her hands, and he lets out a shocked grunt.

“You should have stayed out of my goddamn way,” she says.

Leng looks back up at her as the lights go out of his eyes, and she’s so glad she had the pleasure of watching it. She tears the knife from his stomach and lets him drop to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only two more updates after this one... how's it all gonna go down? Hit up a girl with your conspiracy theories, thx.
> 
> As always, your thoughts and comments are SO appreciated, especially as we get to the end of this story. I'd love to know how you're feeling, how you're enjoying how the plot has played out, anything. You guys are bomb for sticking with this fic for so long.


	42. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here it is... the last chapter. There's still the epilogue left, but I am SO excited to hear your thoughts on this chapter and the ending. 
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with me and this story <3

John sees stars and hits the ground — like a pile of dead weight. He grips his shoulder again and curls into himself. His nose drips blood and he wonders if its broken. It drips into his mouth and he spits it on the ground, and he thinks maybe he’s beginning to stabilize. John manages to sit up and prop himself against the wall. He removes his hand from his shoulder to see the damage and lets out a gasp of pain.

“You son of a bitch,” he says through gritted teeth.

“Find what you’re looking for?” The Illusive Man taunts, standing above him with a gun aimed right at his head.

“No, but I was going to.”

The Illusive Man laughs, and pulls back his jacket, showing off the key card hanging from the inside of his jacket. John swallows but can’t bring himself to move forward and grab it. He knows the pain will just get worse, and he knows he’ll also probably get shot again.

He has to stay strong for Kaidan. He has to get back to him. He needs to hurry up, before Kaidan runs out of time. If Kaidan can go days with a bullet still in his body, and be as brave as he’s been, John can make it happen too.

John begins to feel lightheaded and doesn’t know if he can move.

“Good try.”

The Illusive Man turns and goes for the door, and just before he reaches it, a chunk of the ceiling collapses before him and blocks most of the door. John swallows his pain and reaches for the desk in front of him, pulling himself to his feet. A bloody handprint smears across the table, and as he rises, more blood drips down his shoulder.

“I see how it is,” he struggles out. “You had to do _something_ to me, otherwise it’d be nowhere near a fair fight. You know I’d fucking destroy you.”

The Illusive Man holds his gun to John as he steps closer. 

“How did that work out for your boyfriend?” The Illusive Man says. “You know he’s going to die, don’t you? So you cure this disease, you fix the world, but what do you really get in return? What’s the point in fixing the world if there’s nothing for you to enjoy of it?”

“You won’t change my mind,” John says. 

He’s gotten so distracted with his taunts, he doesn’t realize that John’s close enough to disarm him. Bullet through his shoulder and all, the fight is still anything but fair.

“And Leng is finishing off your sister as we speak. I know he was able to track her down. Wouldn’t it be easier to stand down now and walk away? Or you could join me, and find a new purpose, now that everyone else is gone?”

John shuts his eyes and swallows. More pain courses through him, and he takes a deep breath to try and ease the agony. He knows it’s just about to get worse. 

“You’re right,” he says, and extends his injured arm for a handshake. 

The Illusive Man lowers his gun and offers his hand as well. John grips his hand as much as he can, and hopes the strength is enough. With the Illusive Man distracted, John balls his other hand into a fist, and unleashes it against his opponent’s face. His knuckles collide with The Illusive Man’s jaw, and he swears he hears a crack. The Illusive Man loses his grip on the gun and collapses against the wall. John strides forward and shoves The Illusive Man against the wall, arm spanned against his throat. 

He slams his head against the wall as hard as he can. His shoulder throbs in pain, but the feeling of hurting someone — someone who deserves it more than anyone else — feels too good right now. Killing has never bothered John, not the way it bothered Kaidan for so long. But he’d never _liked_ it. It was never sport or pleasure, just a means to an end. But this is _fun._ It feels right, just, and he thinks of all the terrible, terrible things he could do to someone like The Illusive Man, and he wonders if it’d ever be enough.

“I’ve seen your solutions. People are turned into monsters.”

“Hardly. They’re being improved,” he says through gritted teeth.

“I will _never_ be like you. And I’d rather have no purpose and have no one than turn to you. Not after all you’ve done.”

John wishes he hadn’t said it. He wishes he hadn’t thought of all The Illusive Man has done. His parents, maybe his sister, Miranda… the whole world. And if he loses Kaidan, there’d be nothing left. His eyes water, and he tries to swallow them away.

“That’s what separates us, Shepard. Where you see a means to destroy, I see a means to control. To dominate,” blood gurgles at the corners of his mouth, and John sees wild delusion in his eyes. “I am saving humanity. I wish you could see it like I do. The best of us are still around. We’ve made it this far. We have a greater purpose.”

The ceiling above them begins to shift, and John knows it’s about to give. He could end it now, and kill The Illusive Man, but not without risk to himself first. He lets go of The Illusive Man’s neck, as a large chunk of the ceiling collapses on top of them. Bits of ember char his jeans and the skin underneath, and he dabs out the fire. Smoke envelops his head and he collapses into a coughing fit.

His eyes burn and tear, and he attempts to crawl his way out of the plumes. His shoulder throbs, and he finds he can’t even use his left arm, and the pain spreads to his chest and neck.

_Make it back to Kaidan. That’s all you have to do.  
_ Something feels wrong, something tugging at him inside that sets his hair on end and makes him think maybe he should hurry up, that he needs to get out of there, and to be with Kaidan. The feeling settles in his gut, and he debates running, luring The Illusive Man back to them to finish him off there. 

Something cuts through the smoke, and its only when pain rushes through him that he realizes its a foot. The Illusive Man lands a kick to the center of his stomach and John struggles for air. He wraps his arms around his body and tries to roll out of the way. Another kick, and he swears blood comes up his throat. 

His mind races, and he’s finding it harder to breath. And then he feels hands come to his neck, and they begin to squeeze. He pushes against The Illusive Man, frantically groping and shoving at him. The Illusive Man squeezes harder with both hands, and John chokes for air. His eyes leak tears and he struggles to breathe. He won’t beg and he won’t plead for his life, but he knows he isn’t giving up this fast.

“I’m doing you a favor,” The Illusive Man says. “If I just kill you now, you two can be together.”

The thought sounds nice. He always wanted to see the world go back to normal with Kaidan at his side, but without Kaidan, it all looks bleak and hopeless anyway. But he knows that Kaidan’s still alive, hanging on like he always does, and that he’ll definitely make it to the medical ward down below.

John reaches a hand out, and gropes the charred ground beneath him, and grips something hard. He has no idea what it is, but it’s enough. He curls his fingers around it and shuts his eyes.

“Go to hell,” he says, and brings the object up to The Illusive Man’s head. 

It bashes against his skull, and his grip releases. The Illusive Man chokes some more and attempts to crawl away from John. John grips the back of his pressed and prim jacket and shoves him back onto the ground. Rage returns — anger — ten years of it, and then ten years of it in the span of a few days. Someone has to pay. Millions are dead because of one man, and even more because of the bloodshed it drove the rest to. So many unaccounted for deaths, so many murderers on the loose who will never pay for what they’ve done. John hesitates a moment, thinking that if Kaidan dies, he wants to know someone paid for what they’d done. There’s just so much anger inside of him, and he never stopped to really think about it until now. There needs to be some place to put it, because John is so fucking tired of carrying it anymore. 

He presses his boot against the Illusive Man’s head and lands a firm kick against his face. The Illusive Man gags and spits blood onto the ground. 

“You don’t know what you’re doing,” he says. “You don’t _know.”_

John kicks him again. This time he swears he breaks his nose. 

“Curing the virus isn’t the way,” he yells.

John presses his boot to The Illusive Man’s throat, and he begins to choke and gag more. He stomps again, and again, and again, until he begins to lose energy. Heat courses through him, and his eyes shed tears, but he can’t stop himself. He wondered how long it would take him to become a monster out here, but to realize he is one when there’s hope on the horizon — it makes him wonder if he deserves any good that comes next.

He glances down at The Illusive Man’s bloodied face and hesitates before kicking again. He spits up blood and grips the bottom of John’s jeans.

“Killing me won’t save him,” he says.

It ignites a rage inside John that can’t be put out, can’t be stopped. 

“Stop!” he screams, and brings his foot down again. He kicks over and over, and stomps, sometimes missing, sometimes met with crunching, and grunting, and whimpers of pain. He wants The Illusive Man dead, and he wants everyone who has hurt them to suffer as much as they have. 

John wobbles and loses his balance, but instead, he finds that it’s quiet, and the Illusive Man is done fighting back. Tears leak down John’s face, and he feels _disappointed_ that he’s won. He wants someone to challenge him, someone to push him so he feels justified in the things he wants to do.

“I wish you could see it like I do, Shepard. It’s… so… perfect.”

John looks down at him again, and hovers over him. He wobbles and walking hurts. His shoulder gushes blood, and his nose bleeds, and he just wants to rest, but rest can come later, when he and Kaidan are safe, and when they know they’ve done _something_ to fix the world. There’s no time for rest now.

He raises his boot one more time, and with all the force left in him, brings it down on The Illusive Man’s head. And again. And again. Until he realizes what he’s done, but he can’t even look at it. He watches as blood pools on the floor around The Illusive Man’s body, and John collapses to the ground.

The person who took _everything_ from him is dead, and he was the one to do it. But instead of feeling victorious, feeling like he’d done something good — a service to the world. His hands shake, and he still feels the same empty feeling in his chest. Tears stream down his face, and he wants to throw up, and cry, and have someone take care of him. All he wants is for this bad nightmare to be over. He wanted this moment to feel good, but all he can think is that it doesn’t matter.

Instead, he feels so, so empty.

It doesn’t matter if The Illusive Man’s brains are splattered all over the goddamn floor, or if the entire world is getting the cure in a few minutes, because he knows Kaidan is still going to die.

He lets out a single struggled sob, and contemplates staying here. It feels easier than facing what he has to face. But part of him still believes Kaidan can make it, a small part of him, and one that keeps getting louder by the minute. 

He pulls himself off the ground, and reaches into The Illusive Man’s coat pocket, and pulls out the key card.

 

***

Jane rushes back to the dispersal facility, and finds that the building is in worse shape than when she left. She dodges falling ceilings and dead soldiers, wondering if it was Kaidan or Miranda who did this. The door comes into sight, and she races forward. She’s been gone too long, and she hopes that both of them are still hanging on. Dread fills her stomach, hoping that Kaidan still is, but that if he’s not, at least maybe John got to be with him.

She stands in the doorway and limps forward. Miranda looks up at her, and it’s clear she’s been crying, but both overrides are open, and she’s typing furiously. They’re _so_ close, and Jane can feel it.

“Jane, he needs help.”

Jane holsters her gun and rounds the island in the lab to find Kaidan holding himself up against the cabinets. She’s been watching his condition worsen all day, but how he looks now is so far from gradual, she knows they’ve hit a point of no turning back. His hands cover the worst of it, but she can see he’s completely bleeding out now, and his breaths are so shallow she doubts he has many left.

She drops to her knees and crawls to him, spreading his legs, and pressing her hands on top of his. 

“Hey, you can hear me, right?” she says, and her voice wavers. 

“Yeah,” he says. “You did the-?”

“Yeah. So did John.”

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know. He’s gotta be coming back. He’ll be here soon. So you gotta hold on, okay? Please. You can’t die now, not when we’re so close.”

He doesn’t respond, but his face says it all. It might not be a choice he can make. He looks as if he’s been fighting death off with each breath but doesn’t have it in him to keep going. She also knows he’s telling her to remember their promise. Her heart drops into her stomach and her eyes leak tears. She rests her head against his shoulder and shakes her head.

“Come on. I know it’s hard, but it’ll just be another few minutes, and you’ll be okay.”

“Jane, I-…”

“Don’t give me that. Not after all this,” she says, cupping his cheek. “Please.”

His eyes flicker up to the security cameras on the wall, and Jane knows he’s thinking of a plan, something to get them out alive. But she gets distracted when John’s frame comes into sight in the doorway. He leans heavily against the doorframe and grips his shoulder. Blood streams down his arm, and through his fingers. His nose gushes blood, and he bears an array of new wounds on his body, but Jane doesn’t see anything critical.

Kaidan looks up to John, and concern registers on his face. “What happened?”

“It’s nothing,” John says.

His eyes skim over Kaidan’s body — over the open, bleeding wound in his side, the pool of blood forming around him — and tears leak down his face. Jane slips away and wipes her own eyes. John takes her place and rests his hands on top of Kaidan’s. This time, Kaidan holds on back.

“Hey,” he whispers.

John laughs and chokes on a sob. “Hey. We’re going to get you out of here, you know? Any minute now. I just need you to keep holding on for me, right?”

Kaidan bites down on his lip. “I know. I’ve been trying.”

“I know too,” he whispers, looking up to Miranda. “Miranda, how much time do we have?”

Miranda’s voice comes back frantic, and Jane can see her hands shaking. She steps closer to her and rests a hand on her back. 

“I need more time. Those overrides were a delay. It’s still synthesizing, and we’re going to need to do that before we can disperse anything.”

“Okay, and how much time will that take?”

“I don’t know,” she gasps. “I don’t know. A few minutes, maybe?”

Jane looks back down at Kaidan. “He doesn’t have that long.”

“We need to move him downstairs,” John says, his voice absent and committed. “We’re going now.”

“Wait!” Miranda yells. “I can’t do two things at once. I can’t make this cure happen and get him to the medical ward at the same time.”

“So we’re ditching this cure. It’s not worth it,” he says.

“John!” Jane chides. “We did not come this far to not do this.”

“And we didn’t come this far for Kaidan to die now!”

Tears leak down Miranda’s cheeks, and she steps away from the console. She grips her backpack and kneels next to Kaidan. Jane looks at the screen and sees that they have to wait a moment or two to take the next steps, so she joins them on the ground. Miranda begins to rifle through her bag and search for her medical supplies, but what Kaidan needs is a full operating room, not simple first aid. 

The computer screen pings, and Miranda chokes on a sob.

“Miranda, help him!” John shouts.

“Okay… I’m trying,” she says.

“Where do we need to take him? I’ll get him there myself. Where do we have to go?” his voice grows more erratic and panicked with each word, and Jane knows Miranda has no idea what to do. But it’s also a choice Jane can’t make for her. 

“No,” Kaidan says. “Miranda, go back to the computer.”

“What?” John says. “No, he’s going to die if you don’t help him.”

“Miranda,” Kaidan says, harder this time. “Work on the cure.”

John can’t find words, and he looks as if he’s about to throw up. “Kaidan, we don’t have to do this. We can get you out of here alive. It doesn’t have to be this way.”

“No, here’s what’s going to happen,” Kaidan says. He pulls his gun from his holster and checks to make sure it’s loaded. When he finds bullets, he looks back up at the security screens. “There’s an open hallway with a door at the end, right up there. But it won’t stay open for long. There’s going to be soldiers coming down this way any minute.”

He nods in the direction of the open hallway on the screen.

“I have enough bullets to hold off any opposition while Miranda finishes the cure. I’ll stay and hold them off… and you two go.”

“No, no, no,” John says, moving closer to him. “No, we’re not doing this. We aren’t leaving you behind. I won’t do that.”

Kaidan chokes on a sob and pulls John closer to him. It takes him a moment to find his words, and push them through the tears, but he finally nods.

“This is what I want.”

“No,” John gasps. 

“I always wanted a future for us, one where things were normal, and we didn’t have to run. I wanted our big house full of memories and those dogs we talked about. I wanted to know what we’d look like growing old together, and I _never_ wanted to leave you. I still don’t. But now I also want you to go. I want you to get out of this alive, and have a life. I want you to see what we’ve done, see the world getting better, and know that _we did that_.”

John clutches the fabric of Kaidan’s shirt and shakes his head. “But I don’t want that if you’re not there.”

“I know. But if you can do one last thing for me, I just want to know you’re alive. You don’t have to die here.”

Jane doesn’t hear what John says next, but she watches him collapse into tears against Kaidan’s chest.Then finally, he wipes his eyes and shakes his head again.

“I won’t do it. I won’t leave you behind. We’re so fucking close. I just need you to hold on a little longer. Please. God, we don’t deserve this. Just keep fighting.”

Jane looks over at Miranda, and it’s hard to see through her tears, but Miranda needs more time. The thought finally dawns on Jane that they’re not leaving just Kaidan behind. They’re going to be leaving Miranda back as well. She doesn't get to think about it for much longer when she hears John pleading for Kaidan to keep holding on, and her attention draws back to that.

“John?” Kaidan whispers. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I wouldn’t trade any of that for anything in the world. I love you, so much, but we’re out of miracles. We’re out of luck. But I just want you to live. It’s all I want now.”

John looks down at his and Kaidan’s bloodied hands, at the way it stains their rings, and he covers his mouth with his hand. Jane knows John will wait here, crying into Kaidan’s shoulder until more soldiers come to finish him off… unless she does something.

“Jane…” Kaidan asks, very quietly.

Jane nods and steps closer to them. “John, come on. He’s right. We need to go.”

John pulls his shoulder away. “No.”

Then he looks up at Kaidan, and then to Jane, and he realizes they’re in this together. His eyes water again and he lets tears leak down his face. His lip quivers and he leans against Kaidan’s shoulder for support. 

Jane steps away as John whispers something low and tear-coated into Kaidan’s ear, and she goes to Miranda. She looks down at the screen, and there’s still more time before the cure can go out. Jane wonders how long she can push the moment off, if she can get them all out of here, but she knows she can’t. She chokes on a cry in the back of her throat too. Miranda grabs her hands, and presses her forehead to Jane’s.

“You go,” Miranda whispers. “Please.”

“I… I don’t want to do this. I can’t leave you to die. We signed on to finish this together, and I can’t abandon you now. It’s not hopeless.”

Miranda stops her and pulls her into a kiss. Her eyes are coated with tears, but there’s somehow still a smile on her face. Jane has never known victory or success the way Miranda’s about to. For Miranda, it’s never been about what comes after the virus is cured, but the fact that it’s cured. That’s enough for her. 

Jane kisses her back and pulls her in close. She wraps her arms around Miranda and rests her head against her shoulder, and lets out a sob.

“You don’t really believe I’m going to die, do you?” Miranda whispers.

And Jane feels it in her heart to say no. “I don’t.”

“Okay,” she says. “So go. The world is going to need people to keep fixing it.”

Miranda passes Jane the pack of remaining test tubes and samples of the cure. Jane puts it into her bag.

“Go back to the Alliance. Help Doctor Chakwas keep synthesizing the cure so that we never run out of it. Keep making the world better. I did the hard part. Now you just have to keep doing it.”

Jane swallows her tears, and nods. 

“Now go…”

“I love you,” Jane says.

“I love you too. Thank you.”

Jane lets go of Miranda’s hand, and wipes her eyes, and crouches down beside John and Kaidan. She tugs John away slightly, but doesn’t disturb their moment. 

“I love you,” John whispers. “I always will.”

Kaidan nods. “I love you too.”

John leans forward and presses a kiss to Kaidan’s lips. He doesn’t have it in him to kiss back, but he does what he can, and slowly pulls away. John wipes Kaidan’s tearstained cheeks and kisses him on the forehead one more time. He swallows, and shuts his eyes, as if asking for forgiveness, and passes Kaidan another clip of ammo.

He makes sure Kaidan’s holding his gun properly, and that it’s ready to fire. 

“Don’t go quietly, Kaidan.”

He doesn’t say anything else, but when Jane tells him they need to go… now, or they’ll miss their shot, he doesn’t fight her. It takes him a moment to stand on his feet properly, but she pulls him toward the door. They race down the fiery hallway and toward the open exit at the end, ready for them to escape through, just as Kaidan said. 

Boots hammer down the hallway behind him and John looks behind him as the shadows appear through the smoke.

“Come on!” she screams. “We need to go!”

She yanks John’s uninjured arm and pulls him behind her as they run, and keep running, until the open air outside hits them in the face. And even then, they keep running and don’t stop. Jane’s chest and throat burn, and her legs ache. John struggles behind her, whimpering in pain every few steps, and she can tell he isn’t able to move very fast. She turns around to grab him and pull him faster. But as she does, the spire in the building lights up, as if something — energy, life — is running through it, and sprays out the top with a deafening _boom._ Particles of what look like snow spread in every direction, as far as she can see. Jane remembers looking up at the sky as a kid and wondering if she’d ever understand where it ended. And that’s exactly where the cure goes. Everywhere. 

 

***

 

_CURE DISPERSED_

 

The words are Miranda’s cue to step away from the computer and move onto her next mission. Sirens ring through the building and more and more smoke billows through the vents. She backs away and crouches in front of Kaidan. She barely needs a second to look at him — the pale skin, pool of blood around him — to know he won’t make it. Not to the medical bunker, not to an operating table, not through the surgery. What they’d need is a long shot.

She’s quiet for a moment and swallows. She goes to a cabinet on the wall, and pulls out a single syringe. 

“Kaidan…”

He barely responds, and shifts his hand to let her know he can hear her.

“Do you trust me?”

Miranda registers what she _thinks_ is a nod.

 

***

 

She grabs John’s arm again, and keeps running. They only stop and turn around when another explosion rips through the sky moments later. This time, John turns around, and horror spreads across his face. What’s left of the building bursts into flames, dark smoke billowing out of all windows and open walls. Ceilings and walls collapse on one another, but the spire continues to sprout the cure into the air. 

John begins to move back toward the building as more smaller explosions ring out inside the building. 

“No, no, no, we need to-.”

“John, _no!”_ Jane screams and grabs his arm.

He begins to fight back, and paws at her hand to get her off, but her nails dig into his skin, and her feet won’t budge. 

“We’ve got to go back for them!” he screams.

“There’s _nothing_ there for us!”

He tugs at her one more time, but she won’t let him go. Finally, he pulls so hard, it nearly brings her to the ground, but instead, she grabs his body this time, and eases him onto the ground. He collapses to his knees, and lets out a single deafening cry, so loud and broken that Jane doesn’t think she can move either. But she can, and so she moves to the ground too, and pulls him into her arms.He sobs into her shoulder, and mumbles things she can’t understand against her skin, but he holds her tight, and she knows not to let go.

As she holds him, she wishes she had words to describe how broken and empty he feels. She wonders if she’ll ever have her brother again, or if he’ll go on the rest of his days this shell of a person who is so overcome by grief that there’s nothing left of him. She swallows her tears and holds him tighter, just in the same way he did when she thought she’d lost everything. Even if Kaidan’s gone, when Thane was gone, if Miranda’s gone, there’s still the two of them.

“I love you,” she whispers.

He doesn’t respond, but holding her tightly says enough. He chokes on a sob and grips her stronger.

“I love you, and we’re going to be okay. Just like we always are. Now come on… you know what we have to do.”

John looks up, and she wipes his eyes for him. She stands slowly, and holds out a hand. He hesitates a second, and takes it, climbing to his feet too. She gives his hand a squeeze and pulls him in the right direction.

Now, all there’s left to do is run.


	43. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And at last... the epilogue. Thank you guys so much for all the support and love you've given this fic for the past year and a half since I started sharing it. It's been such a ride and a challenge creating this story, and I love it so dearly. I can't wait to hear your thoughts on the conclusion, and I hope the ending is everything you thought it would be. Whether you've been reading since the prologue, or started this week, and to all who will read in the future: Thank you <3 
> 
> This is definitely not the end of stories in this universe and with these characters <3

** Four Months Later **

There are some days where Jane doesn’t hear her brother’s voice at all. 

Jane knows early on that today is going to be one of those days.

Those are the days that leave him so consumed in grief that silence is the only thing keeping him in one piece. His gazes are mostly blank, and it seems like he’s always looking out for something — into the distance, like he’s expecting something to show up.

She misses him.

She misses being able to joke with him, lean on him for support when her own pain felt like a lot to carry, or just _talk_ to him like she used to. But she knows this is grief, and she knows she’s been here before too, in the same way, and for just as long. To see him struggle to cope with loss like she did feels like holding up a mirror and seeing her past self. She wonders if this was how he felt after Thane died. Was she as unreachable and lost as he is now?

She knew it was going to be rough — and perhaps an impossible mission — the first few days after their assault on the Cerberus base. She’d found them a place to stay, a place far enough away from the facility that John couldn’t find his way back, and tended to his shoulder, despite his protests that he didn’t need help. She stayed awake all night to make sure he slept, and that he didn’t try to sneak away while she had her guard down.

Leaving Kaidan and Miranda behind was hard enough, but she knew letting John go back for them to only find them dead would have been worse.

It was the first time that returning to the Safe House hadn’t felt like a victory, no reprieve or relaxation period, because it didn’t feel like a home without Kaidan anymore. Jane was collecting reactions to losing Kaidan, and she wished she could rid her mind of them forever, or maybe allow her mind some space to have her own. Ashley had responded with a broken sob and denial when they arrived back at the base with just two people instead of four. John didn’t know how to tell her he failed at the one thing she’d asked of him. Anderson and Hackett grew very quiet, like this was the worst loss they’d experienced in a long time. And John had stripped down his room from the one he shared with Kaidan. Pictures came down, and their beds were separated again, and it looked more like he was waiting for a new roommate assignment than for a lover to return. When she asked him why he’d thrown away all his and Kaidan’s things, he told her they weren’t thrown away. Just put somewhere else where he’d never have to see them. He moved his ring from his hand to a chain around his neck.

Sometimes she looks at him, and all she can see are the terrible things he’s said to her in his grief. Blaming her for letting Kaidan die, blaming her for bringing Miranda to them in the first place, telling her over and over again that she’ll never understand what he’s feeling, even though he already knows she does. That she’s had to lose someone she loves _twice._ Sometimes she thinks she might hate him, or who grief has made him become, for how he’s made her put aside her own grief to care for his. Sometimes she wants to call him selfish or rub it in his face that if Kaidan were here, he wouldn’t love who he’d become. But those are things she knows are best kept to herself.

And then there are other times she sees him, and how lost and sad he looks, and she wishes she could promise him that there’ll be an expiration date for all of this, but she knows that’s not true. 

She looks across the porch of the run-down house they called home overnight, where he sits on the top step, picking at the holes on the sleeves of his rusty red zip-up. She can’t hate him today. He’d woken up from a fitful sleep, and immediately looked around for something missing. He wasn’t angry or cruel, just quiet. She took it on herself to pack up camp and get them on the move, rather than ask him for help. Not today.

He looks out into the barren expanse of land surrounding them, and up into the mountains they’re near the base of. He watches for any signs of movement, but not for other scavengers or hunters. 

_They’re not coming back,_ she thinks, _so stop looking._

He doesn’t see the changes the way she does. He doesn’t notice the lack of zombies, or the fact that on a lot of days, the sky looks bluer and the ground looks less gray and dead. He doesn’t see things slowly coming back to life, new buildings rising from the rubble, towns becoming towns again, and the start of something new. He doesn’t hear birds chirping or appreciate the fact that there’s just slightly fewer things out here trying to kill them, but she wishes he would. 

She rolls up the blanket and pillow he’d been sleeping on the night before and ties it together to latch onto his backpack. John looks behind him as one of the ties comes loose and the blanket unrolls again. He swallows and stands up, moving to the blanket, and rolling it up perfectly before latching it onto the back of his backpack.

She can’t do it the way Kaidan always did.

She still has a lot to learn.

“Thanks,” she says.

He nods. “Mmhm.”

He keeps quiet a moment, kneeled in front of her, and she feels like maybe he’s going to ask her a question he’s already asked maybe a hundred times. 

_“Do you think there’s a chance he’s still out there somewhere?”_

Jane’s never known how to give him a good answer. She could tell the truth. She thinks that Kaidan only held on as long as he did so that John wouldn’t have to see him die. She’s always doubted he stood any chance of getting out alive, or living long enough for Miranda to help him in any way. The second part that she especially can’t say aloud is that she absolutely thinks there’s still a chance Miranda’s alive, out here somewhere.

But today, he doesn’t say anything. He just stands up and heads inside to load up the car with their supplies. He comes back out a moment later with a box full of food and medical supplies to bring back to the Safe House and slides them into the trunk of their Jeep. He returns inside for the last one, and rests it down. He backs away and reaches for his bad shoulder and winces. 

“If you’re getting some early onset arthritis, I’m going to have to request a new scouting partner,” she says, tossing their backpacks into the trunk as well.

She doesn’t expect it, but he rolls his eyes and lets out a quick laugh. She hasn’t seen him smile in days, and for a rare moment, her stomach doesn’t feel in knots, and there isn’t a constant nervous sweat rising to her skin. 

“Don’t joke. It’s probably genetic.”

She laughs too, and thinks maybe she can savor this moment, but John’s already moved onto thinking about something else. But he’s not relapsing into grief just yet, he’s focused on something. John reaches for his backpack and slides his gun out. He slides a fresh clip into his back pocket.

“Look over there,” he says, quietly. “We’re not alone.”

Jane sees it. There’s a small plume of smoke just at the base of the mountain, down the hill from them. They’d scoured the area for the past few days and found no signs of other life or scavengers. It was just them. 

“Want to go take a look?”

John nods. “Yeah. I don’t want anyone following us back.”

She reaches for her gun and shuts the car door, and they begin to walk. They keep against the trees, vigilant for any movement they happen to see. There’s still no people, and judging by the size of the fire, it’s probably no more than two or three people. Once they make their way over the hill, they duck behind a downed tree, and peer over at the broken-down campsite. There’s two sleeping bags, and a fire burned down to the smallest embers. There’s still an expanse of open land before they can reach the camp site, but John takes one final glance around him before moving forward. Jane rushes after him and pulls out her gun. 

As they get closer, they realize the hunters have left their belongings behind. There’s two backpacks, propped up against rocks around the camp fire. Whoever left these behind, they must have been expecting to come back soon.

“John, they’re not going to be gone for long.”

He nods and ducks toward the one backpack on the ground by the fire. He pops it open and starts to sift through, as Jane looks at the other one. They’re not looking to steal, just find any proof that whoever is here isn’t a threat and won’t trail them back to the Alliance for an ambush.

Jane pulls out a small leather-bound journal and flips it open. John’s found piece of paper crumpled in the bottom of the other backpack. He kneels and begins to read them over while Jane begins to read the journal. There’s little writing, or journal entries, just notes, mostly about locations and supply inventories. She finds poorly drawn maps and landmarks, and it all looks eerily familiar to her.She can’t tell if it’s the handwriting or the content that feels similar to her. They’ve been on this scouting venture for a week, and their travels have taken them around the area from place to place. The pages in this journal seem to indicate the exact same kind of journey. She sees trees she’s also marked as landmarks, poorly drawn storefronts that she remembers passing, and trails that they’ve hiked to find shelter and supplies. 

Jane feels her blood run cold, and she’s about to say something when John beats her to it.

“Holy fuck, Jane… they’re tracking us.”

She looks over at him and nods. Their options now are to ditch and run and hope these people can’t follow their truck back to the Alliance or wait here and take them out so there’s absolutely no chance of them tracking them further. 

John begins to rifle through the rest of the bag, when they hear whispering in the distance. He picks up speed putting everything back into the bags, to make the campsite look untouched. Jane continues to read the journal and salvage any information she possibly can. John draws his gun, and whispers for her to follow him, and run. She turns the page in the journal, and something falls out onto her lap. 

“Let’s go,” he snaps.

Now she hears footsteps crunching closer to them. She reaches to the ground and picks up the polaroid picture that was being used as a bookmark, and she doesn’t know if it gives her hope, or strikes fear into her. She doesn’t expect it to be an old, faded picture of Kaidan and John.

“John, wait!” she says.

Guns cock behind them, and both of them drop everything to stand and draw their own.Jane doesn’t prep her gun to fire, because she doesn’t think she’ll need to.

It wouldn’t be the first time she’s sworn she’s seen Miranda and Kaidan, but every other time had been a hallucination or wishful thinking, a hopeless wish that they’d somehow be alive and looking for them too. But she knows this isn’t one of those times. It’s them, and they’re real. They have to be, because they look different, like they’ve been living and changing.

What strikes Jane first is how different Kaidan looks, much thinner and gaunter in the cheeks than he was before, with new scars that she doesn’t remember, and the way he favors the right side of his body over his left, and a myriad of scarred skin wrapping around one of his arms and peeking around the side of his neck. But there’s still the same warmth behind his dark eyes and it finally feels like their gang can be complete again with him here, and it brings tears to her eyes. 

She looks to John, still gripping his gun, and doesn’t look too ready to put it down. He’s probably seen Kaidan countless times in his dreams, or in hallucinations, where his mind played tricks on him that relive the loss over and over again. John’s eyes water, and he doesn’t move until Kaidan lowers his gun, and tucks it into the back of his pants. 

John drops his gun to the ground as Kaidan pulls him into his arms. He resists at first, instead of holding him, feeling along his body to make sure it’s real, something he can touch and love, and not just another trick or mind game to re-open fresh wounds. Kaidan knows what he’s doing, and instead just nods, sniffling away his tears. It’s real this time, and there’s no reason to doubt it. John chokes on a sob and collapses into his shoulder, holding him tightly but gently, knowing how much he’s been through physically. 

Kaidan grips the back of John’s head and holds onto him tightly, and she catches sight of the golden band around his finger, nestled deep within John’s hair, as if he’s never taken it off or doubted they’d see one another again. 

Jane looks away for a moment, as Miranda’s hand weaves with hers, and it feels less like a surprise, and more like a reunion. She knew she and Miranda would find each other again, somehow, but it was just a matter of when, not if. She turns to Miranda and lets out a soft laugh before Miranda grips her waist and pulls her in to kiss her forehead. She slides her arms around Miranda’s shoulders and rests her head against her chest, and grips the fabric of her shirt tightly. There weren’t any words that needed to be said by any of them, or any explaining. Not right now.

They had never before been so satisfied with the quiet.

 

 


End file.
